baby blues, postpartum depression, or something more

I'm not sure what to think at the moment. I'm about two weeks postpartum, so I'm afraid to jump the gun. After all, I'm aware that at this point it could be the baby blues. At the same time, I'm not sure if the thoughts I've been having typically occur with the baby blues, or if they're indicative of something else.

The pregnancy was unplanned, so during my first trimester I did experience some depression. Being trans (female to male, obviously), I wasn't sure I could go through a pregnancy. But when I considered terminating, and felt repulsed at the idea, I knew that I was already attached to the idea of having a baby, and to the baby itself. I, also, knew how badly my partner wanted children. That didn't stop the depression, though, as I tried hard to adjust to the idea of being both trans and pregnant.

The depression faded in my second trimester. The rest of my pregnancy was relatively smooth. That's the part that confuses me. Except for severe morning sickness (I was beginning to suspect hyperemesis until it faded during my 20th week, and only came back a few times throughout past there), I had an easy pregnancy. My second trimester was more difficult than I'd expected, but I didn't have GD or preeclampsia or anything like that. In fact, other than anemia, I had a very healthy pregnancy that resulted in a 7 lb 14 ounces baby girl.

The first week, I was filled with euphoria. Immediately following birth, I was washed over with a sense of extreme happiness. I cried a lot that first week, but they were happy tears. It wasn't until this week that things slowly began to shift. Sometimes, I still cry happy tears. I love my baby girl so much, and she and my partner are the best things that ever happened to me. But the past three days I have felt so anxious, and so on edge. I'm not sure what to think. I have had some intrusive thoughts that frighten me. I'm filled with "what ifs". I'm so scared of losing her, my partner, and everything we've built that it seems my mind has turned against me, turning every little thing into a "what if". The intrusive thoughts are terrible, and I know I'm not that person. So, I'm confident it isn't psychosis. That doesn't stop me from being terrified that I'm losing my mind.

I've felt lonely and isolated, too. My partner returned to work this week, and he works ten hours a day, five days a week. I feel abandoned, which I know is silly because he still comes home at night, and he's doing this to support me and the baby while I can't work. Still, I have zero friends, and only have my mom nearby. She visits sometimes, but due to her own depression can't visit all the time. So, I feel depressed. Which I'm not sure is postpartum or the baby blues, given that it's not been more than two weeks yet. And I'm, also, not sure if intrusive thoughts can be a symptom of postpartum depression.

I told my partner that if it gets worse I want to get help. I have sat on depression untreated in the past, but this time is different. This time I have a huge responsibility - a baby. I'm considering medication, but I'm not sure what to expect. Could it be more than the baby blues? Could it be more than PPD? I've read about PPOCD, but it seems to be lesser known. And the possibility that it could be that is terrifying me even more. Depression is familiar, PPOCD is new territory for me.

Sorry for the length. I have always tended to write too much once I get going. If it still persists into next week, I want to find help. For now, I just wanted to try finding someone who understands, someone who can talk to me through the weekend. I don't feel like I'm in a crisis, so I don't think I need to call crisis. Yet, I can't call for an appointment until Monday as most places are closed on weekends. That's why I'm here. I'm isolated, and I want someone to talk to now.

I cannot suggest anything here, I can just give you my own experience and perception of me when I had mine.

I currently suffer with depression but have not always, so I have a pretty good gauge.

Depression and postpartum are similar to me. It's like the worst ever pms (like times 1000) without any of the good stuff. It started in general after 2 weeks.

I thought bad things when I had my babies (I didn't have the resources I do now). I was ashamed to tell anyone how bad they were. This is the thing....I reconcile it this way (after much though and self-therapizing....): To me, thinking them was my way of dealing with them without having them happen...like thinking the worst case scenarios (and I didn't WANT to think them, it just happened) anyway, by thinking them I was mentally preparing myself. And that's all.

For a little additional understanding that you may or may not find useful, I also seem to go through tragic incidents in my mind...I have deeply grieved the death of my mom even though she is not dead...I am not sure that others do this, but my brain does. Maybe this behavior needs outside assistance, but I know why I'm doing it. It's way to prep myself (It sucks but it is what it is)

So...I did the same thing with my own babies..not the grief, but other instances. Things that the odds of happening were astronomical. Things I might do. Things that might happen.

I don't know if that's the experience of other moms with postpartum. I cried a whole lot. I felt lonely. I couldn't bring myself to go out or get help. Mostly people thought I was okay.
Back then, that's what you did.
But nobody in history ever, ever loved anybody as much as I did my babies. Just like you do.

I urge you to get help and not wait too long.

And (just food for thought) I stayed home with mine. My sister went back to work at three weeks. Both were right for each of us.

I promise that you will not always feel the way you do now. But you don't have to suffer like I did during what could be the most joyful time of your life. That would be tragic when help is available.

Hugs.

Thank you for your reply. The thing that stood out to me a lot was comparing it to PMS... it does feel very similar. Except a lot, lot, lot more serious. I've always had bad PMS symptoms... anxiety around the time it starts, depression, and intense cramps. This is very similar, but on steroids.

I've definitely been ashamed of them... so much to the point where the past couple days it's caused paranoia. "What if someone knows?" "What if when I was half asleep, I said something to my partner that tipped him off?" "What if I do tell someone, and they take my baby away?" The "what ifs" are always there. Mostly I'm afraid of losing her, and losing my partner, and I do feel that my mind is going through all the worst case scenarios... perhaps to soften the blow if it does happen. I read an article recently that said that when it happens, it often feels like our instinct to protect our baby (and sometimes our partner) has gone haywire. It made sense to me, and did give me some comfort. If only a little..

My brain does it, too. Grieve people and pets long before I lose them. And with my baby, and my partner, it's been different. It's not the same as it was, and maybe that's what's causing the obsession, and the intense anxiety. It's thinking about things I might do, things that could happen, things he might do. And I feel like I'm losing it.

I'm scared, I admit. Yesterday was good. I found myself thinking I could do this all the time. Be at home with her, take care of her. But today? One small thing triggered me (I couldn't find our hammer, still can't, and I've been obsessing about it since), and it's been much harder than yesterday. I contacted my old therapist to see if she would still be able to see me, and explained the situation. I have an appointment for Monday. I want to discuss both therapy options and medication options. So, I've definitely reached out. Part of me didn't want to, for fear, but deep down I know I probably should.

Hugs back.

Hi.
Just know that it won't magically disappear one day. The good days are great but they have a way of fooling us. Nice to have one occasionally though...
Your obgyn is a great place to start also. He or she has probably asked and you didn't want to say. Just tell him/her that your depression has worsened and you think it's ppd.

Hormones. Ugh.

Good luck! And congratulations!

I know. Sometimes, I find myself wishing that it would. But I know it never works that way. Still, it is nice to have a good day once in a while.

She has asked a few times. I don't see her again for a while, though. I don't know where you live, as your account doesn't say, but the postpartum check ups do vary country by country. That is part of what has kept me down a few times. Postpartum care here is kind of lacking. It was hard for me not to feel abandoned. They spend 9 months doting over you, making sure you and the baby are okay, asking every question in their book to make sure you're not diabetic, or depressed, or developing preeclampsia... and then you have the baby, and the hospital keeps you for 2 1/2 days, and your next appointment isn't for six weeks. Six weeks feels like a really long time when you're postpartum, in pain, and depressed.

I can't lie, it was quite disappointing. The nurses at the hospital barely prepared me for it all. I was told to go to the hospital if I experienced a clot the size of a golfball. I did. Then they told me that the clot wasn't big enough. It was a good thing I went, though, as I was dehydrated. No one told me how much water to drink while breastfeeding, either. I did call my OB's office a few times, and they've been moderately helpful. But weirdly, I've found my breast feeding consultant to be most helpful thusfar. Elsewhere, I still feel a bit abandoned postpartum. I've found myself envious of some other cultures. One of the books I read mentioned that in some places in Europe, it's standard to have a one week postpartum appointment where the midwife actually comes to you. It seemed like a foreign concept to me.

I was called yesterday by someone from pregnancy care management. Given that I have a history of depression, I qualified for the program. She told me to either call emergency or call them. So, at least I know I can call her or my OB if it gets bad.

Thank you. I'm feeling relatively okay today. Still some intrusive thoughts, but I'm managing to silence them by ignoring them for the most part. I think I can make it to Monday.