[lolli12]

I was on adderall for almost one year. During that year, I was coming off/on the adderall several times per month, because my ex, was stealing them from me.
It threw me into a very bad state of mind, taking for a few days, then coming off, taking for a few days, then coming off. In all seriousness, if you are taking a stimulant, or any drug for that matter, and have someone in your home stealing them from you, please take action. I wish I had.
So, after a breakdown. My doctor (with the help of the controlling ex who was using me for my meds) took me off the adderall, and switched me from, latuda, abilify&haldol (yes, abilify and haldol at the same time - i dont remember the two weeks i was on it) to celexa, and then saphris. Saphris was the kicker for me. I tried it for two weeks. Then had to stop because the panic attacks were so bad. I had been given ativan for the attacks (but the ex who was stealing my adderall stole them from me too)
So I decided to stay off all meds. Five days later, I experienced another bad anxiety attack, and went back to the clinic. It is a state run clinic. I told the nurse practitioner my bad experience with the saprhis, not just the anxiety, but how i felt like it was dumbing me down mentally, i moved around like a slug all the time, and pretty much stayed zoned out. She told me that it was obvious to her that my meds had been working and to take the saphris again. OR she would call social services on me about my children. I couldnt believe it.
What this misinformed nurse didnt tell me, was that because I had been off of it for five days, the saphris was gone from my system. She started me back on 10 mg, i had asked for 5mg and she said that 10mg would be fine.
The next five days were a living nightmare. I could feel my brain constantly zapping all over the place. I couldnt sleep. I couldnt eat. I couldnt move. But the worst, I couldnt take care of my children (and that was the scariest part for me) Five days was all I could tolerate. So I took myself off of the saphris......again.

Its been about 4 1/2 mos since all of this happened. Im thankful Im alive. Im thankful for my children, that I havent lost them or am locked up in a hospital somewhere ( I felt so horrible, I just knew that was going to be my fate)

However,
this is my predicament. I am now suffering horribly from anhedonia, and what seems like a deep deep depression, its hard for me to do any work around the house, even harder for me to take care of my children. I manage, but, Im not near where I used to be, or where I need to be.
I cannot stop obsessing over what happened to me, the traumatic experience, ins and outs of the whole situation, i sometimes wake up at night thinking about it. And its driving me absolutely crazy.

I cannot stop researching my symptoms online and looking up all the drugs that treat symptoms similar to mine.
This nightmare has taken over my life, and I want my life back so desperately, I want to be able to spend time with my children and we all enjoy one another like we used too. I want to experience having fun again. Or get excited about going shopping (which doesnt phase me )

I want a huge nasty spider to strike fear through me again! (I never thought Id say that)

Ive tried stopping myself from obsessing. (which used to work in the past, but doesnt now) Ive been to a therapist. That didnt work.

My family seems to think I need to be medicated. But with what? And after my nightmare with the saphris, im skeptical about putting anything else into my body. Because I dont want to know if I can feel worse than I already am.
I want to be able to LIVE again. Enjoy my children, be able to work again, care about things like I used too. I know there is no such thing as a magic pill, but, I am in hopes that there is something out there that might alleviate some of my negative symptoms to where I can live somewhat normally again.

I dont know if anyone out there has suffered similarily to my situation. Maybe being switched back to back from several different meds in a short period of time, or if anyone knows of someone who has experienced this, and how they pulled through. My pessimistic side screams constantly at me that Im being punished and that I will be stuck like this forever, but my optimistic side says dont give up, there is help.

Im sorry for this long post,
any and all advice is welcomed.

Thank you for taking your time to read this post, I hope I havent made things too confusing to understand.

[DePressMe]

lolli, dancing around with meds is a tough thing to do. Having a good pdoc who is willing to work with you is important. Abilify did not work for me, but haldol did. I took the haldol in combo with some other meds. I have been on adderal for years and it has really helped me. Too bad your BF screwed that up for you. Maybe you could get a pdoc and explain the situation to him/her. I struggled for a long time to find a med combo that works for me with minimal side effects. Please don't give up...things got to get better--I agree the NP had no idea what she was talking about. Thats why the world has pdocs who are better educated. I hope you get this all sorted out.....D.

[lolli12]

Thank you, D.
The adderall was the only thing that ever actually "helped" me. I was on a low dose of 10 mg, and only needed one per day to help me. I wasnt depressed whenever I went to see the psychiatrist, but crazy enough, I left that way in the end. The last therapist I saw told me that I should go see my gp and see if they would prescribe me something, I couldnt believe I was told to do that, as, I need to see someone who knows what theyre talking about.
My older neighbor/friend, watched me, before the adderall, and after, and told me I need to see if theyll put me back on it, because she could see the big change it made in me.
The last psychiatrist I saw told me that she wouldnt prescribe it to me because it would only make my symptoms worse. I really dont see how, as, Im sure alot of my problem stems from low dopamine. But, hopefully the therapist will be able to help today. Thanks