what's the purpose of meds?

Sorry i'm really confused
i stopped taking my meds without permission about 3 months ago
because...

i think meds will make a different person. i think meds will make me start thinking i'm a part of this reality, of this matrix. i'm not! i think they want me to forget who i am, to start living earth life. it's scary...

or i should give up and start living in matrix? how you deal with this reality?

Hmm. Can you elaborate on what you mean by the matrix, or not being part of "this" reality?

well...
i feel like an alien. i can't understand people, i can't understand what they are doing and why, i can't understand their problems etc.

every day i have to pretend like i understand everything. but even talking is too difficult...i feel like i'm talking in a language i don't speak using phrasebook. i feel like a lonely alien who have to pretend being an earthman.

people tell i'm weird. that's mean i'm bad in pretending.

Is there a possibility that you're somewhat stuck in your story?

If diagnosis and med/dose choice is right, they should help you deal more easily with your symptoms and lead a normal life (or at least something close to it). They won't fix everything though. In some cases, difficulties might reappear is someone stops treatment. That said, they are not supposed to change your personality.

Have you talked to your doctor about how your medication wasn't helping you? And feeling like you don't fit in doesn't mean that you're bad or anything. You might just perceive the world differently. For example, people with autism sometimes have a hard time understanding how social interaction works, because they're not wired like neurotypicals.

You're not alone, you don't have to follow this road on your own. Don't hesitate to seek help, and a second opinion if needed.

Meds should not make you another person. What they should do is remove symptoms that make living feel unpleasant, and make you a better version of yourself, your qualities including which may be a sense of humor, intelligent, intuitive and so on.

Saying that, that which you are describing is extremely peculiar. From what I interpret, you are afraid of what things will be like once your illness has been taken care of and you are now just like most people are.
I don't know if this is the case, but if it is, just remember that your symptoms are not good for you and meds help take away those feelings which are neither pleasant, nor healthy. Everything else will remain; your talents, your personality, your loved ones and your dreams. You won't be this empty soul that was only a representation of x illness until that was treated.

Those feelings are not healthy, you are right... But only if I believe this reality is healthy and real. Maybe this is the only truth? And meds make me forget it?

I'm not sure. I don't know what is it. I want to find my reality... Where is it?

Sometimes I think start taking meds means to give up... Live life among humans.

Why does living among the rest of society as a "human" automatically mean "to give up" in your eyes?

Meds aren't evil, mind altering things. Not when taken as directed anyways...