What's wrong with self-medicating again?

A few days ago I figured getting high was better than committing a felony, and I haven't really had homicidal or suicidal ideation in like an entire two and a half days.

If I'm in charge of my "meds" I can adjust as needed. If something's making me want to kill myself, I'm not forced to take it until my next appointment. If something's making me throw up or pass out or nearly burst my bladder, I'm not forced to take it until I find a way to stop taking it without them knowing because when I bring it up I'm lying. I can skip it if I need to drive (which I do feel impaired on my prescription drugs alone but docs are all "driving on weed is bad, but do drive home from the clinic after taking your sedating benzos and antipsychotics. We're going to make you feel like shyt if you say you don't feel okay driving from the meds. You can say it's because of your mental state but that gives us reason to hospitalize you for the slightest of reasons.")

I've wanted to switch from methylphenidate IR to a lower equivalency dose of methylphenidate ER for like a month now, but there are "more important things" to talk about in those 15 minutes so I forget and I look at my list of stuff to talk about and there' sno friggin way I can bring up everything that feels important and I don't know what's most important, I don't know, wanting to take one pill instead of two doesn't seem to rank as high as "my PRN made me ruin a mattress." If I were in control or could reliably get to my pdoc to leave a message and hopefully she'd remember at our appointment, I could've switched a long time ago and wouldn't constantly worry about missing a dose and then forgetting to bring the extra back and then "stockpiling" and looking like a horrible patient. Which I know I am because I'd rather feel mentally bad than mentally numb and physically awful.