Adult attachment disorders

Sorry I keep posting and going away, my emotions have been strong lately and I run away from it. I feel guilty for not supporting all of you lately and feel guilty for even posting again.

Me thinks me T is thinking I have this. I have studied about this in my psych classes and I do meet the early criteria when I was a baby. I was born underweight and had to stay in the hospital for a month. But I think I got good care because I remember my mom said I was "spoiled" in the hospital by all the nurses who rocked me. Plus the going through severe child abuse/torture too. But I had my grandma who took care of me while my parents worked, and I always had special teachers who I became close to, so I do think that I did form some positive attachments when I was younger. But not my mom, my abuser, in fact if she died, I would be happy, I would feel safe and relieved even today that she would be gone. I feel nothing for her except fear.

But my ability to trust is so hard, especially T's, especially after my 1st one was unethical with me. She said something about push pull relationship I have with her. How I am always trying to read her to know if she is safe or not. How I get very angry and lash out when I get scared or feel threatened. She says I don't do this intentionally. She said my brain was wired this way in my younger years and when I am triggered, I lash out and become angry and push people away. Instead of dealing with conflict, I become protective of my self because I am scared. She talked about how so many people let me down or abandoned me in my life. It makes sense, now she didn't come out and say that she thinks I have this. But when I went back after our big blow up, she started to say stuff that I recognized from even my childhood abnormal psych class I just finished taking.

Well I am scared because this seems so hopeless to me and if it is something that can be worked through, it seems like it is going to take forever. I don't want to bond with her, but dang it seems like this is part of the cure.
I am taking a break for a few weeks, after 4 yrs. I need one. I am working on starting up my exercise and yoga again so I can handle stress better. I am starting a big veggie garden too this summer as part of a family project. It is up to me when I am ready to come back. She told me that she is really wanting to work on some things with me, several things, she feels she can help me. She won't let me email her either, unless I am in distress or something. I tend to act out online, stuff I wouldn't say to someone face to face.

I don't even see this disorder listed on this site, does anyone else have it too? It feels so overwhelming. I feel so lost.

Yeah, I hate it. It's hard.
I didn't attach with anyone in childhood. Apart from survival bonds with perpetrators. Some teachers etc I wanted to reach out to, but I was too afraid. I think I got some measure of 'security' from imagining relationships with them, tho.

The first person I attached positively to was my previous T. I can't tell you how unbelievably hard and painful that was. It took years of me pushing, pulling and rejecting both her and myself. I think NOW, now that I have an email relationship with her, I can trust her and feel secure in the limitations of our relationship. And I would say that, aside from my kid, she is the only person on this earth who I feel safe with. Shame she now lives in another country.

I still don't think I have overcome this attachment disorder enough to have an emotionally intimate relationhip with anyone else. All of my relationships with others (apart from with my kid) are of the 'arms-length' acquaintance variety. The moment anything gets close to 'close' I push, and run.

In all honesty I don't think people who have this disorder can ever get to a place where it is like what it would have been like if they had experienced secure attachments in childhood. Those early experiences form the structure of our brains. That can't be undone.

But, I do believe people with attachment disorders can reach a place where they are able to experience secure attachments with others... a place where they are able to monitor, control and bypass those ingrained reactions.

I hope so, anyway.

Since you are thinking so much about this, I think it would good to talk about it with your T, so you can learn what she is thinking rather than just imagining that you know. Maybe she has other ideas about this or can reassure that you don't have it, or can tell you what would be helpful in therapy if she thinks you do have it. When you go back to therapy after your break, maybe you can put this near the top of your list to talk about.

I have never really had a diagnosis from my T (although he mentioned PTSD in an offhand way once, in another context). I just work on dealing with life, learning to have better relationships, letting out my pain, becoming more self aware and functional, learning to recognize my feelings when I have them, blah blah blah. For me it is better just to work on stuff than to label myself as having various disorders. I think I might lose hope that I could become more functional and happier in life if I had a diagnosis.

If you can't wait until after your break to discuss this with your T (if it eats at you), could you go back just for one session to talk about this topic? Then resume your break?

Of course "spoilt" doesnt always mean recieving the love and security a baby requires. Adult attachment disorder is also known as RAD, which some claim to become BPD in adults. There are forums for RAD (Reactive attachment disorder) Many fostered and adopted children fall into this spectrum.

Thanks Luce,

It is hard for me too to form attachments, but I know that I can because I have even before therapy. But a lot of my attachments have betrayed me in one way or another, especially therapists, so it is hard for me to even want to have a relationship with my current T. I think my attachment to my grandparents and even my dad probably helped me some. My teachers growing up played a big role too, even if only for a year, they gave me so much. It is probably why school became my safe sanctuary.
I think we can get better, but it is hard. Thanks for replying to me, it helps a lot to know I am not alone.

Thanks Sunrise
I do plan on talking to my T about this, but after my break. I am not a label, I do know that, but sometimes knowing what you have, goes a long way to explaining some odd behaviors that one might be doing. I have PTSD, and I am glad I know because I am able to understand what is happening to me when I am triggered and I can take appropriate measures for myself. But I can see why some wouldn't want to know. For me, knowledge is power and it helps me overcome my personal struggles, because knowing my DX doesn't mean I stop working on my issues, in fact it helps me work harder. But there are no easy answers with this stuff because we are all so different. Thanks for your support Sunrise!

Thanks Mouse,
I have been doing some research, and there are different kinds of attachment disorders adults can have, RAD is one of them. For my mom to say spoiled, well to her the fact that I was held and rocked when I was an infant(which is what you are suppose to do), just shows how distorted her thinking was. You can't spoil a newborn is what I feel.
I am so glad I did so different with my kids, than the way I was raised. My kids are hugged and told each day they are loved. My kids are truly awesome and I didn't need to spank them or verbally abuse them to get to come out great. I am so proud of them, they are 13 and 14 and they just finished a triathlon, and they both have big giving hearts. I have taught them respect for others and compassion and I am truly blessed to have such great children.

Of course you can heal.............

This is sort of a side thought, but regarding adult attachment disorders: I found an adult RAD forum. I often read there and find that the people there share many of my same issues.

Hi Peaches,

Could you PM and give me the website address? I am not sure if I am RAD or not though. I am still on my break from T, and now because of financial reasons, it will have to be a longer break than I anticipated. I think I actually missed her this week.
But I have been working out on the elliptical machine everyday since Mon. and did yoga 2x this week. I feel fresher and today I actually got some of the endorphins that is suppose to happen when you exercise.
Yoga was tough, we did a lot of back bends which help cleanse the body of toxin, and emotional tension. I started to sob afterward, it was such a huge release.
I have been doing a lot of reading about attachment disorders, and there seems to be several types and like everything else there is a continuum of severity.
How is therapy going for you Peaches?

Thanks Sannah,

I hope so, it seems so far away though. How are things with you?

You will get there, though....... I am good, thank you!

Hi Exoticflower,

Here is the Web site. I decided to post it, rather than PM, since others on this site may be interested as well:

http://adsg.syix.com/adultrad/forums/

Thanks for asking about my therapy. I"ll start a new thread (or tack onto my old thread), so as not to hijack your thread!

PS - On that Web site, it is the first group listed under the heading "Trama." It says "Main Adult RAD."