[Mouse_]

Last fridays session I brought up about my fears if T died, where she seeked to reasure me that her family are long lived and besides if she did die she has phone numbers for me for someone else who would work through it with me. I remember bent over looking toward the floor and saying "But I don't want anyone else", I remembered T's gentle smile and perhaps as humanbeings this is their reward for all the good they/she has done?

I went to session yesterday and I sat down and said, "I think I'm taking this place for granted, taking you for granted, being lazy, because somedays I can walk straight out of here and then self sabotage".

T seemed to get angry with that attitude she said "Taking this/me for granted is not bad, its a big thing to reach that stage, why do you feel its wrong"? I said, "eh, I dunno, I guess I feel I should work harder, I know theres times when I could pick myself up more, but decide to go with the self sabotage" T said, "you seem to think you should be out there in the world doing it alone, all by yourself, not needing anyone, and whose thinking is that?" I smiled, I said, "yeah I can see where your going with this, but like last night suddenly I felt I'd made everything up, my life wasn't that bad to warrant this amount of therapy, I had a home, I had a mum and dad, I think I've lied all this time", T sort of moved around in her chair and said "Oh for **** sake ( geeze she shocked me when she said that, she normally only uses the "f" word when echoing back my words) your home wasn't a home, it was a shell, your mother and father weren't parents they were shells, and even if you have made it all up, why would you?" I said, "Eh coz I'm a sick ****?" T said, "but why would you be a sick ****?"< she got me on every route.

She then said after I had gone back in time again in an attempt to understand why, why, why Im in therapy, T said, "You know, any parent in their right mind would have been proud to have you", **** I nearly died when I heard those words and I smiled and said "yeah but you don't know me", T said, "oh I think I do", man I keep expecting her kindness to reach a limit and it never does, amazing, completely amazing. She said you do know that back in the 60#s when you were adopted, social services weren't as hot as they are now on approving people, so for them to have rejected your adoptive parents offical attempts at adoption, there must have been serious issues they spotted. with that my denial ebbed away again.

I sort of floated around for the rest of the day yesterday, carried away with the feeling I got from the session. I thought back to how I was before therapy, my stalking women, my story telling to gain some sympaphy, my day dreaming that they were concerned for me, thinking about me all the time, none of that exists in my life now. I understand now that like a plant that will distort itself to find sunlight, I was distortedly trying to find warmth and love and now I am getting that, the urgent desperate need to look for it anywhere has just gone away, great stuff!!

[peaches100]

Mouse,

Your t sounds so wonderful!!! I'm so happy you are getting an internal feeling of caring from her -- and an internal sense of your self-worth -- from the discussions you've been having in therapy.

What a great post, Mouse.

[searchingmysoul]

(((((Mouse)))))

Thank you for posting this....

Mouse, your relationship with your T is inspiring. I'm so glad you're getting so much out of the experience. Thanks for sharing!

[pachyderm]

OK, Mouse, how come you are getting all the good stuff and the rest of us are still out here starving... How come, how come, eh?

[chaotic13]

Mouse really great. I like your plant analogy. Its a great way to look at some of the twisted behaviors we've developed. What I like about it is that it also represents how amazing the organism is at adapting to harsh conditions. The really cool thing is how they can recover and flurous when the conditions improve.

I am blessed this week. I'm not starving.

[Mouse_]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

OK, Mouse, how come you are getting all the good stuff and the rest of us are still out here starving... How come, how come, eh?

I guess I'm just fortunate that I've got a person who has something to give and isn't ego driven.

[ECHOES]

I sort of floated around for the rest of the day yesterday, carried away with the feeling I got from the session.

This is a wonderful feeling, isn't it!

I love your post and your T's wonderfully caring responses to you.