My 2nd session was today with that T I am interviewing. Well it didn't go so well. One thing i didn't mention about my first visit was that she double booked sessions and so when I showed up my first time, there was somebody else there too for her. It was uncomfortable having her talk to that person in front of me.
Well this time I show up a little before my session and I am waiting, and waiting. I hear her talking (muffled) but yet 20min past my time, she still doesn't show up. So I call her and she wasn't with a client. She said since she didn't have anyone after me, that she thought she would just start later. Well geeze that sure doesn't give me a good impression because what about MY time? What if I had something important to go to after my session? Seems inconsiderate to me.

So needless to say that drew a flag to me. Well then we start talking about my marriage (getting preliminary info). She then directly asked me" So does your husband know about your infatuation with T1?" I said you mean HIS infatuation with me... yes there was some going both ways, but the way she said it, dang that was insensitive especially since she doesn't know the whole story. Then later in the session I asked her how do I get over what happened with my first T, and she said it wasn't real, it was only transference and counter-transference and that I just needed to forgot about it.

Then later on in the session I talked about how my mom almost drowned me at 2yr. old by throwing me into a lake and she expected me to be able to learn to swim and I didn't I went under 2 times until my dad freaked out and saved me. I talked about how a part of my recovery, I would like to deal with my fear of deep water and learn how to swim. Well then she said, remember what I told you last session. Well last session she talked about how she didn't want me to make a career out of being in therapy. I agreed, I only want to be in therapy for as long as I need to be. So she said overcoming my water phobia isn't something she agreed to treat me for.. She said were only going to talk about my past childhood and that is it. Then I asked about the unethical thing with my T and processing that pain and she said we are NOT going to discuss that. I asked why not, is it because she knows him, etc? She said she only agreed to work with my past childhood issues and that was it.
Well I have never had a T act like this, most T's I have had felt everything is an issue if it is important for me to talk about. I may have issues I don't even know about.

So now I am rethinking terminating my current T. She may not be as experienced as I would like, but she is very willing to learn. Some of my safety issues has to do with her eyes looking like my mom's. But maybe this is something I can work with, I have to tell her this, it is just an idea that I have. Once a bird came and flew into the window unexpectedly and I saw her eyes dilate or undilate and the look of fear kinda freaked out.

So I don't know what to do, I know I don't want to go back to his T I met with today. She was also VERY unhappy to hear I talk on a message board like this. None of my others T's liked it, but she told me I must stop it because it will interfere with the therapy process. Well maybe somewhat but the message boards like this also alerted me to the unethical behaviors of my 1st T, and eventually it gave me the courage to fire him. She said it was unethical of ME to talk in two different places, therapy and online. I am like whoa there, I will talk to who I want and about what I want.

I think I am still shocked from this session. At least I had a great yoga session and I feel better after all the gardening I did this weekend.

[emilyjeanne]

Hi exoticflower,

The red flags are swinging in the wind!!!! You should follow your intuition. Find a new T. She seems to invalidate your experiences. What are her qualifications? She seems to only take care of her needs. That would be very alarming.

Good grief!!!! She sounds perfectly awful!

Deciding to start late?! Not letting you talk about the things YOU need to talk about?! SOOOOO many red flags.

I'm so glad you went for that second appointment and you know bit more about her now - and I'm glad you found out at the second appointment and not months down the road. You said you feel like an idiot....don't beat yourself up! It's hard to tell from one meeting what someone is really like. You are actually really smart...you went back, you paid attention, and you are using what you learned to make an informed decision.

((((((((((((((((((((((EF)))))))))))))))))))))))) Sorry she ended up being such a dud (to put it mildly)

As for your T's eyes....I had a session once where I got badly triggered and suddenly everything seemed so unreal and T's eyes looked EXACTLY like the eyes of the person who raped me....to the point that I literally was scared that he was the rapist in disguise and I just hadn't noticed it to that point (this was after a year of therapy!). It was scary and awful and we had to sit side by side for a couple of appointments so I could talk about it without seeing his eyes. But we DID talk about it, and that eventually took away its power, and now I can look at his eyes and see that he is T, a good person who cares about me and wouldn't hurt me. It is ALWAYS good to talk about those things.

Many to you!!

[winterbaby]

She sounds very dismissive, it's too bad but at least you know not to go back.
As for her comments about your ex T and you, a T has to empathize with the client's truth.What it means to the client. Which doesn't mean the entire factual accuracy of the client's statements has to be agreed with or even believed but has to be accepted as the client's truth.
The T should not try to disprove or prove the way something happened. It is up to the client to present herself and her truths the way she feels them and the way she has experienced it. It doesn't have to be right or wrong, it just is. This T obviously does not understand that. That's a big deal.
Making such a statement as countertransference and transference shows she does not have much regard for that and if she is supposed to be good with abuse victims well that is not the way to start out.

[sunrise]

OK, here's my spin on her behavior. In between your first session and this one, she called up T1 and spoke to him. You said she knows him (red flag right there, big conflict of interest for her). I think she called him up, he told her that you were "infatuated" with him and that nothing happened, it was just transference/counter-transference--happens all the time, no big deal. I think maybe he also told her you were a troublemaker and so she decided to treat you only in a very limited way. This would explain why the impression you had of her at first seems so night and day with how you perceive her now. She was probably hoping she would drive you away with all of her limitations on therapy, keeping you waiting, and less than welcoming words. I mean the whole thing with talking to her about your past doesn't even make sense, because almost drowning as a 2 year old is in your past, right? And she didn't want to talk about that either.

Something is very fishy with her and I think it is that she talked to your former T.

I am so glad you didn't rush to ditch your current T in favor of this one. You were smart!

She was also VERY unhappy to hear I talk on a message board like this. None of my others T's liked it, but she told me I must stop it because it will interfere with the therapy process.

How will it interfere with the therapy process? It actually helps me process the session sometimes, kind of like writing in a journal. I guess what would bug me is how authoritative she was and how absolutist. Sounds like a black and white thinker--message board is BAD, end of story.

I did a lot of gardening too this weekend. Hope your yard is looking nice!

[imapatient]

Originally Posted by sunrise

OK, here's my spin on her behavior. In between your first session and this one, she called up T1 and spoke to him. You said she knows him (red flag right there, big conflict of interest for her).

Sunrise,

I didn't see her saying they knew each other, just that she asked if they did without response from T.

It’s not uncommon for mental health pros to know each other--at all. The smaller your locale is the more likely. But even in my metro area of 3 million it occurs commonly. Maybe just professionally and briefly, but often beyond that.

For new T to have called old T without a release would be a violation privacy and ethics. I can see new T doing that given how horrible she is, but if old T participated, he's guilty, too.

You don't need to keep seeing old T just because new T is so incompetent.

Some hopefully constructive comments. It sounds like you got into too much material too quickly. You threw a lot out there for trying to evaluate a T for compatibility right away. Checking someone out for compatibility is more like an interview than a therapy session; you're not getting therapy at that point.

I think I'd be wary of telling too much about the old T to someone so unfamiliar. I don't know if you told new T about still seeing old T, but I think that might not be a good idea at first--just seeking compatibility right away. And we'll all run into difficulty trying to get one T to want to look seriously at another T's behavior. Bringing it up right away is to raise a red-flag for a "just checking" T. You can sound like a problem child, and it might make it sound like that's what you're really doing there. Not so much for your general therapy needs, but to handle old T. Just a thought on that one.

Your story should be required reading for everyone about how messed up a T and T appointment can be.

Wow.

I am shocked by that T's behavior - talk about unethical! She should not be dictating what she will and won't treat you for - YOU set the tone, it's your therapy, and you're paying her for her services! And how dare she insinuate that it was you who was infatuated - aren't therapists supposed to not judge, especially if they know very little about a situation, and it's a loaded one for the patient?

While I haven't told my T that I'm on a message board, I have told her that I've been reading blogs online about therapy - she fully encouraged it. I really don't understand why any T would find it unethical. If anything, a T may want to see how the therapy process is working for a patient, so the only bad part (for a T) about us all posting here is that we may gain insights outside of the therapy session, but it's still progress - that's what matters in the long run.

I'm so sorry you had such a horrible experience. Good luck either getting more comfortable with your current T, or in finding a new T who's competent!

((((((((exoticflower))))))))

i carumba!! that lady was terrible. maybe sunny is right that she talked to your former t. i don't know, but her behavior was just weird. i do hope you can find a good t!!

as for the message boards my t knows i read & post here and she has no problem with it. she even asked me for the name of the site because she might want to write articles for the site (she does a lot of writing so i believe her). so, she may have even read some of my posts too but really i'm fine with that if she has.

[Yoda]

Run away and don't look back.

Find a new therapist. She is horrid. You don't have to put up with that.

[madisgram]

omg, exoticflower, imho...RUUUUNNNN....away from that t. you mentioned so many things that were red flags that i had to drop down to the end of your post. please consider trying to locate a more professional t. this is your therapy and this t does not seem to respect her clients nor act apppropriately. this is just my opinion but you're there to learn and to develop. jme, but i will die before i address all the issues i have...i'm not a therapy junkie by any means...i just want to get out of life all that if offers. through therapy i have found the means to that end. you deserve the same. keep us posted, please.

[RDRK]

Finding a good T1 is tough. I have been to a lot of them before I was even diagnosed with Rapid Recycling Bipolar Distorder. Just remember your the one paying the bill and they are providing a service to you. Go with your gut... get out and move on. There is a T1 for you. I'm actually working with a T1 that is a new grad. He is great... listens doesn't push and revisits the past in case there is something missed.

Usually if your not comfortable within the second session it's best to move on.

Good luck... Wish you the best!

[fre2b]

you weren't dumb at all to want to run. that was SMART!!!!get away from that t fast. sounds like your instincts are right on.

[ECHOES]

Oh boy.. keep looking. You deserve someone who will be considerate and respectful.

[Luce]

Eek.

She may have scraped by in to the second round of the interview process, but it sounds like she right royally flunked that one.

Cross her off the list!

[sittingatwatersedge]

[quote=sunrise;1031062] How will [posting to a message board] interfere with the therapy process? It actually helps me process the session sometimes, kind of like writing in a journal. I guess what would bug me is how authoritative she was and how absolutist. Sounds like a black and white thinker--message board is BAD, end of story. quote]

it seems that I tend toward "black and white thinking" myself, and the PC folks have helped me a lot. Note: NOT by amateurish questions like "how did that make you feel" (which is cr** and useless), but by humbly relating their own experiences. It does help, I can't see how any T could have an issue with that.

[peaches100]

Exoticflower,

This t sounds like she has a very blunt, in your face style and that she makes assumptions quite readily. Really think about whether or not you can work with a person who communicates that way. It works for some people, but can be damaging for others. I personally couldn't work with a t like that.

Thanks EmilyJeanee,

Yeah, the red flags flew everywhere that day, I am SO glad I know the red flags this time around. She seems to have a TON of qualifications, although I question a few of them now. Makes me think the more qualifications a T discloses, the more they might have to make up for bad therapy technique.

[quote=treehouse;1031014]Good grief!!!! She sounds perfectly awful!

Deciding to start late?! Not letting you talk about the things YOU need to talk about?! SOOOOO many red flags.

ya, isn't it really unbelievable? Seems like she didn't want to make it work to me.

As for your T's eyes....I had a session once where I got badly triggered and suddenly everything seemed so unreal and T's eyes looked EXACTLY like the eyes of the person who raped me....to the point that I literally was scared that he was the rapist in disguise and I just hadn't noticed it to that point (this was after a year of therapy!).

The eyes are such a powerful thing, it says so much. But sometimes, some of us who have seen the "evil" eyes directed towards us, well it changes us forever I feel. I had to learn to deal with my daughter having my mom's eyes. I think it has something to do with they are blue, and in some ways more expressive in the aspect of pupil dilation. So when I saw the frightened look of my T when the bird hit the window, it almost mirrors an angry look. Things are never easy in therapy, you know! I am glad you got through this, I feel like maybe I can too now.

Thanks Winterbaby,

I believe in what you said a lot. What is VERY interesting is that my unethical T once told me he didn't believe in transference. I am starting to see a pattern...hmmm...

Thanks Sunrise,

You know I was thinking the very same thing, that she somehow talked to him or someone who knows about the situation. With my blog, things are getting out around town what he did and I am sure he is trying to save his butt and reputation by dismissing things. It isn't unusual for this women to know my exT, they both have been practicing in the same city, only blocks away from each other for 20+ years.
But yeah, something seems really fishy, especially her attitude the 2nd time around. What is scary to me is that I can usually read people very well and nothing unsafe registered with me the first appointment. But something changed in her big time, who knows what? But yikes!

thanks imapatient,

The thing is she was asking me this stuff as part of her interview of me and I was just being as honest and open with her as I can.
They do know each other, I don't know how well or anything. I know T's are suppose to have written releases to talk to another T, but that doesn't always happen, in fact abuse of this rule happens more than we want to know.

Dreamseaker,

Ya, she has things backwards. I am still can't believe how grossly she handled things yesterday.

Hi Reflection,

I do think she talked to someone to have such a change in attitude in only 4 days. Thanks for your support!

Thanks Yoda,

Love your name! And yes, I ran away as fast as I could! :-)

Thanks
Masisgram,

I have ran away! I am glad I am not the only one who see's how crazy she really is. I thought her comments about making a career out of therapy was rather mean. I know I am making the right choice. It just amazed me over and over again how BAD the profession can be.