[PhilipeP]

I'm new. I don't quite know where to post this. I'm male, early 40's, depressed my whole life with OCD issues. I've been hospitalized twice, latest one a year ago. On the outside, I'm a perfectly respectable guy, well-liked professionally. . .but on the inside I have this stupid nagging obsession with the male genitalia. I'm happily married, I'm not gay, I'm happy with my wife. My obsessions cause a great deal of anxiety and guilt.

So last week in therapy, I mentioned a difficult experience I had had in the public bathroom that week. As I was attempting to 'go', I heard a familiar voice down the row of urinals, and there was a guy who is a member of the board that governs where I work. He was in full view of me, head turned away talking to the guy next to him. Obviously he'd had a few beers and was in a very happy mood, just letting it all hang out. I couldn't help but notice how well-endowed he was. Of course, right then, I couldn't go, felt stupid, felt inadequate, felt like a little boy and got out of there quickly.

So I'm telling my therapist this. Two points I want to make and get your all feedback on, please: First, he says, most guys don't register the size of another man's junk in a public bathroom/locker room situation; that it just doesn't register. My therapist said it registers with me because that's my OCD and insecurities. Secondly, I explained that I felt just like I was a little boy taking a shower with my dad. My therapist perked up on this. . .after seeing my therapist for five years, I've never mentioned this. I said seeing the man I recognized as an adult with his large equipment, I felt like a little boy, like I didn't measure up, intimidated and feeling a little 'icky' just like when I'd shower with my dad.

So my therapist pursues this topic and asks how old I was. I said I was most likely age three to maybe I was seven or so and could shower alone. My dad never talked to me in the shower, and never ever touched me in the shower. But my therapist said it was damaging and it's one thing for convenience taking a shower with a two year old, but not as they get older and can be independent, then it's inappropriate. My therapist said I never mentioned it because that was my 'normal.' People usually don't bring up what normal is thinking that that is normal for everyone.

More info on my dad. All growing up, whether it was a man we'd pass in the street, see in a restaurant, church, tv, movies, my dad was always commenting on how perfect that man was, or how muscular he was, or how handsome. It always made me feel uncomfortable and 'icky'--and I've internalized all those constant comments now where I automatically critique myself in comparison to other men and I never measure up. I'm extremely insecure around other men, those I know and those I see in the community--they're all perfect and I'm so unmanly.

My therapist said my dad's constant admiration of other men, his seeminly confused sexuality (very rightwing, anti-gay, strict Christian), and his parading of himself nude in front of me all added up to my OCD--my obsession with the male genitalia. I don't look at pornography, I don't like the gay stuff (I'm not anti-gay, it's just not for me), I don't even like the erection pictures--I typically just look at pictures of flaccid men. My therapist said this is all coming together for him.

Well, it may be all coming together for my therapist, but I'm having a hard time getting my head around all of this. My therapist, whom I trust explicitally, says my dad's combined behaviors were abusive, whether he touched me or not. Add to all the above, he was daily constantly criticizing and judging me negatively. No wonder my self-esteem is so low.

I just don't know what to do with all this information now. I'm way too old to be blaming my parents for my problems. I'm just feeling overwhelmed right now. . .

[ECHOES]

Hi. Welcome to PC

That sounds like an important session you had. I think this is the very beginning of an exploration that will be interesting and helpful to you.

My mother devalued men and admired women, often pointing out women she thought were pretty or very pretty. Sometimes people we knew, other times celebrities. One relative by marriage was my age and my mother used to say all the time how pretty she was and wonder why she didn't go into modeling, she was so gorgeous.
I admire women and don't give men a second glance. I don't even think men can be good looking, they just are 'there'. I've often wondered if this is just because she did this or other reasons as well.

Well, it may be all coming together for my therapist, but I'm having a hard time getting my head around all of this.

You will. Give it time. You are just beginning in this current area of exploration.

[SpottedOwl]

Welcome!

I just don't know what to do with all this information now. I'm way too old to be blaming my parents for my problems. I'm just feeling overwhelmed right now. . .

For you it might not be possible to get your head around this right now. Emotions can't always be explained, and I usually just get really frustrated when I try too hard to intellectually understand them.

I know what you mean about being too old to blame my parents, but it isn't really about blame. It is about understanding. Sometimes I think of my brain as if it were a computer program. Both my parents added to the program, and might have introduced a few bugs. Now, it is my responsibility to take the program and debug it.

Usually, the faulty programming we get from our parents isn't because they were bad people, but because they themselves were suffering and didn't know to do better. It sounds like your father might have passed along some of his own issues to you. Understanding where our issues come from can be very powerful, but it is not about 'blaming' anyone.

Most importantly through all of this, be kind to yourself. Just like you're not wanting to blame your parents, try not to blame yourself either.

You did great work in your session...now, let yourself relax. Give yourself a reward or do something fun.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by PhilipeP

My therapist, whom I trust explicitally, says my dad's combined behaviors were abusive, whether he touched me or not. Add to all the above, he was daily constantly criticizing and judging me negatively.

Excuse me if what I say has more to do with me than with you or your therapist -- but some of this sounds very "therapist-y" to me. I can understand how your father's constant criticism had such an effect on you, but to me, calling a dad's being nude sometimes or in the same men's room as you "abusive" seems a bit much to me. Are our bodies inherently bad, so that they must be hidden at times. In whose eyes, a child's or the therapist's?

[bestillandknow]

Yeehah! Good news, my friend, this type of stuff doesn't just happen to males-but it may very well be most prevalent in folks born right-on-up-to 1964. Let's blame the culture! Let's blame passive rage and sexual frustration.
Let's blame and get nowhere, is how this sucker really goes.
But you are definately 'on the bull' and stuck firm, in that you can face your emotions like a human, and that is the beauty of this post.

I needed to break my identity away from my mom's before I could grow.
This started happening for me when I was in my late teens, because I began to be exposed to other people who had different views about everything than hers, who encouraged and gave me positive reinforcements. Then I could see the truth: I am just a person amongst billions of other people-I am unique and have positive and negative qualities, just like them. My body is mine, also unique, and barely anyone walks around in a constant state of comparison (unless they're miserable like my mom or your dad!).

I think your bravery and honesty rocks, and this is the type of discovery that helps the whole human family pull their knuckles up off the ground.