[MissCharlotte]

I need my T. I just wish I could talk to him right now, right this moment. I have so much to tell him. This is ****ing stupid. I want to cry in his office and by the time I get there tomorrow I won't feel like this. Who in heaven's name made up this whole idea of therapy? There are always so many things that I wish I could tell T and NO I do not want to journal them. I want to be with him. I want to talk to him.

PS This rant was made possible by Memorial Day thus canceling my session that day. So I am waiting till my Thursday appointment. I know I sound like a baby but dammit I don't care. I want my T now!

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((MissCharlotte)))))))))))))

[chaotic13]

Miss C I'm feeling a little bit like this today. I didn't have my therapy session postponed but I really want a do-over. I hope you can hold things until tomorrow and then let them fly. (((many hugs))))

[ECHOES]

Of course you need him. Can you call him to have some right this moment time with him?

[MissCharlotte]

Can you call him to have some right this moment time with him?

I can't think of "good enough" reason........

[ECHOES]

I can't think of "good enough" reason........

How about "I need my T" right this moment?

Hey, when did you start having to have a reason?!

[rainbow8]

(((Miss Charlotte))),

I understand the way you feel. So often I wanted my T right now! Then, when I had my appointment I didn't feel that way. Maybe it's a good thing because it shows that our feelings pass. What seems urgent is not always. But, on the other hand, I wanted her to see me when I was feeling those feelings! I didn't want her to see me when I wasn't going through them, when I could only talk about how I felt yesterday or 2 days ago. It wasn't the same then, and it was frustrating!!

But, often I couldn't control myself and I did call my T "right now". In fact, I did it today. Otherwise, I obsess about wanting and needing her, and get completely immobilized. Or, wanting to tell her something. Can you call her? Email? Leave her a message with how you feel "right now"?

I used to make up a reason, but my T didn't like that. She said I was playing games. She would rather I call and say that I just wanted to hear her voice, then make something up.

I hope you feel better soon, no matter what you do.

[ECHOES]

on the other hand, I wanted her to see me when I was feeling those feelings!

Yes! I feel this way too. After the moment passes is so after the fact that it seems less meaningful.

MissC, are you dialing....?

[MissCharlotte]

I did dial and left T a message. Echoes, the whole "reason" thing is part of a bigger issue that we have been discussing recently I know this is hard to believe but it goes back to contact (or the lack thereof) with my mother (ROTFLMAO). I truly felt it had to be a really good reason to contact her (she was always working). So, there had to be an emergency of gigantic proportions and then I had to pretend I was someone else so she would come to the phone at her job. So, it's a loaded mess. Ugh.

So I left T a message and told him I was missing our appointment and would love to touch base but if not I will see him tomorrow. See, I have to give him the out so I'm not disappointed if he can't call back. That bloody knot of anxiety is in my gut again--the tummyache of attachment. Breathe breathe breathe.............

Oh, Rainbow, I don't make up reasons but I make the excuses in case he doesn't respond. Protecting myself on this end.

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

Oh, Rainbow, I don't make up reasons but I make the excuses in case he doesn't respond. Protecting myself on this end.

I do this....kind of give T an out, but it's so *I* don't totally freak if he doesn't call.

I'm glad you called. When I really, really need to connect with T, I sometimes call and just say "I really need to connect with you for a minute". I think it's good practice, Miss C, in asking for what you need. You did good

[ECHOES]

*cheering* I'm glad you were able to call and I hope he can call you.
I don't think it is hard to believe at all that it goes back to the issues around calling your mother when, often you must have wanted the same right this moment connection with her too.

[SpottedOwl]

(((MissC)))

I'm so glad you called T!
I'm sad that you felt you had to give yourself an 'out'. I totally understand it and do it myself, just reading your words made me sad to think that you had to qualify your need for some reassurance.

Someday, maybe very soon, I'm sure you'll call and just say 'T, its not an end of the world emergency, but darnit I want to talk to you. Please call me back.'

[Mouse_]

MIss c, Its painful

[MissCharlotte]

Tonight we talked, and talked and talked....about the anxious, insecure attachment and how it is part of the cycle that pushes me further into the "victim" role. The child who is neglected, denied, ridiculed, and lonely....she reaches out to those abusers because she craves contact but the contact is abusive...it's all she knows. As an adult she notices a very young place inside her that hurts so much. That is the part that reaches out for T and feels as though she doesn't have a good enough reason to talk to T.

Thankfully her adult showed up to care for her tonight.

[Kiya]

Yay for that adult self who could care for her - hugs to you both, if that is ok.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by treehouse

When I really, really need to connect with T, I sometimes call and just say "I really need to connect with you for a minute".

I have a hard time calling and saying "i need..." this past weekend (which was SUPER hard) when i called T i finally said 'here's what's happening, i needed to check in and just hear your voice on the answering machine'.
She called the next day and once i got away from my mom, i was able to speak to the truth of the matter more than usual. =)

[sunrise]

MissC, I am glad your adult self showed up and your T too.