[Mouse_]

Today I found myself feeling very depressed. Took myself to bed this morning and lay there motionless, but the noise of the world outside just made my depression worse.

Thought of emailing T, wondering around in my own misery, wanting to so desperately escape this feeling that has no name, not time and feels like an attack from some invisible source.

I wandered to my bookshevle and pulled down a book and opened it randomly and this is what I read

"Using the power of Imagination & Visualization -

The power of imagination cannot be underestimated in winning the fight against self-destructive impulses, intrusive thoughts, and compulsive urges. In all three of these circumstances it is the feeling of powerlessness that is felt so strongly, or the feeling of being drowned or overwhelmed by forces beyond one's control. The force cannot be denied to be within ourselves, a part of our own mental process, but the "force" continues to be experienced as foreign, and even in some circumstances, seems to be coming from a source outside of ourselves.

This type of thinking has been something clinicians might refer to as "ideas of reference". Borderlines often grow to live in fear of themselves. "If I'm hurt or sad I might get depressed or start crying and not be able to stop. If I get angry I might fly into an uncontrollable rage or self-mutliate. If I'm happy I might turn into a maniac and do something crazy and impulsive. If I can't stop thinking of suicide I might have to act on it so that the thoughts will go away."

In other words, when you are borderline, your mind does not feel like your own, your emotions do not feel like your own, and your body definitely does not feel like your own. When your core problem is a lack of identity, your own experiences often feel foreign to you. Many clinicians wonder why borderlines can often be so seemingly convinced that they are helpless in many ways and need to depend on others emotionally.

Imagine yourself in a similar position and imagine the task of trying to convince yourself that you have the power to control your thoughts, feelings, and actions, and even your destiny. You want to believe it. You really do. Beliving this could solve so many of your problems and you know it. So, you decide to begin this journey. Where do you start?

Trying to think positively is a good start. Empowering affirmations, such as, "I believe I am in control," may help, but minimally. This is because you are continually confronted with our old ways of thinking, feeling and behavior, (that ingrained, chronic problem that is by definition, why the borderline has a personality disorder to begin with).

Many traditional approcaches don't help much in handling the problem. The problem is that they other people's ideas. Imagine how far more empowering it can be for the borderline to devise his or her own unique and original approaches to dealing with these "demons".

Taken from "Borderline and Beyond" By Laura Paxton.



It touched the spot so much, I felt energised (empowered? even) and felt myself handling the emotions that were going inside suddenly and the need to email T slipped away. Yes I am afraid of myself and didnt even realise it, saddness scares me tremendously, but didn't realise it was, this chapter put all the words to my confusion today!!

[phoenix7]

Oh Mouse - what a wonderful thing to have happen - the book sounds great ijm going to see if I can get a copy of it - thankyou for that

[Kiya]

Mouse - thanks for posting that! It put all the words together for me too. Even tho by Dx I am DID/MPD and not BPD, I was raised by two BPDs so of course I have many tendancies (and that whole episode sounded WAY too familiar). I am going to print out what you copied so I have it close.
THanks! Kiya

[searchingmysoul]

((((((((Mouse))))))))

Your willingness to be your own champion when necessary and to let others champion for you when necessary is such a gift!