[hangingon]

I saw my T this week and she had the letter I had given her. We jumped right into the letter when the session started. I was so nervous about it but I said to her, why not, the worst you could do is throw me out of here. She said, I'm not going to throw you out.

She handed the letter to me and asked her what I really wanted to talk about in the letter. So I brought up some of the comments she made that really got to me. Then she asked for it back and said is there anything you missed, I said no and she read over it again and talked about a few other things.

She apologized for some of how she said things. But there was one thing that she was not going to change her mind on and that was the need for breaks. I told her that I had never taken one, even with my past T. She said something to the effect that she thinks it is really healthy for people to take breaks when it gets to be too much, or if it starts to interfer with things like school work ect. Even if its just a one week break.

I said that I asked on a site that I use if people had taken breaks before and many had said that even after two years they never had, except for vacation. She asked me which sites I used, and I came right out and told her both of them. (Inside I immediately thought, why did she need to know that? I felt like, wow, now its not going to be safe for me to post she could see it ect...)

She said how do you know you can trust the people that post. I said I read the information and if alot of the responses are similar I use my judgment. She said something to the effect that online communication is not the safest, and that email and online communication are not the best that face to face is what I need to work on.

Anyways, In my head I was thinking taking a break from the heavy type sessions certainly, I can see that, but a break from therapy itself doesn't seem wise to me giving the fact that things were too overwhelming.

Then I apologized for telling her that I didn't want to be in therapy forever that my saying that may sound like I didn't appreciate what she is doing, but that I am really thankful for what she does.

Then I said, I read on a site that some people had been with therapists for years, some even 10-17 years. She said with the same therapist, I said yes. She said something to the effect that its not healthy for the client, nor even the therapist. That their job is to get the client to a place of independence not dependence. To see one that long would be an unhealthy dependence. She said, I can see 2-3 years not being a problem but much longer than that can be an issue. Now maybe she told me this because I told her I didn' want to go forever, but I am not sure. Then she said, to go stop and go again is normal. To know down the road when you need it again and then go at that point but not that many years steady and not with the same therapist.

In my head, I immediately went to thinking, ok, so now I have a 2-3 year time frame to get through this stuff. I have seen her for about 7 months now and feel like I am just beginning. Having that time frame in my head now makes me feel pressured. This stuff is so dang complicated.

My first T told me that it could take years given my background but never said how long, I felt much more comfortable hearing it that way. Maybe my new one felt that I needed to hear a time frame since I told her I didn't want to go forever. Then I was thinking, still, her opinion of whats healthy doesn't mean its right. I have a hard time accepting people's opinions especially when you hear so many different ones.

Anyways, at one point, she asked me if her responses from the session that I had an issue with made me feel like she didn't believe me, like my mom. I never thought of it that way, but that may be part. I felt more like I was doing something wrong because of her responses. One response was where did that come from, that had nothing to do with what we were talking about and the other one was, you already told me that before.

We talked about me emailing her as well. I use to do it once after every session. She told me in the beginning that I could but that face to face would get easier in time. This time when I addressed it she said, you can do it but we really want you to get to the place where you can tell me here and not depend on email. Again, in my head, I thought ok, its wrong to do it, so I am not going to do it anymore, because I could tell she was not impressed with it. I am very very sensitive to people's behavior, tones, body language ect. This week, I purposely didn't send one. I hate that I feel like I can't because I need to be able to do that.

I just want to make sure I am doing the right thing, with the right person and not going to end up worse off in the end. I analyze everything, I mean everything. I have such a huge issue with trust, and also fear abandonment, to the point where I will back out if I feel a threat of that coming. This is my life we are talking about, growing up no one looked out for it, and the ones who were suppose to abused me. Now I have this huge need to control everything about it so as not to be hurt again. I am hoping therapy can help me balance this out.

I look out for other people the same way, I am very sensitive towards them, and always tend to worry whether others are being taking care of as well.

Am I the only one who worries so much about sessions, or who is very ridgid with myself?
Do you ever find yourself analyzing everything your T says and does? I feel like I am looking for something to say see I told you so. I hate doing that which is another reason why I am in therapy. I think I'm more screwed up than I thought....

I will be so embarrassed if my T reads this, I really hope she doesn't view this site after telling her I use it.

[mightaswelllive]

Originally Posted by hangingon

Am I the only one who worries so much about sessions, or who is very ridgid with myself?
Do you ever find yourself analyzing everything your T says and does? I feel like I am looking for something to say see I told you so. I hate doing that which is another reason why I am in therapy. I think I'm more screwed up than I thought....

I will be so embarrassed if my T reads this, I really hope she doesn't view this site after telling her I use it.

Gosh hanginon, I feel like these worries are straight from me. You're definitely not alone. This is just a rupture though - just something you and T don't see eye to eye on. It is healthy and helpful actually. Working through this will allow you to see how you interact in daily confrontations and disagreements and work on adjusting your reactions and behavior. Remember - therapy shouldn't just be about gaining insight - you should be working on making changes to the way you think and the way you behave also.

Also, you have a bunch of stuff in that message that you could pick out to work on as goals. For example, you do have some very black and white thinking in there (about you being good/bad, being in therapy/not being in therapy) check out the CBT cognitive distortions sticky, you might find some helpful stuff to try to implement. Instead of holding in the confusion, embarrassment, anger, etc - find ways to use it (like setting new goals). This rupture is only bringing out new things for you to work on - just talk, talk, talk about it! Otherwise, you'll show up to session one day and you will have spent two months in a silent protest and not even know why you were upset in the first place... wait, that was me.

Also, why would you feel embarrassed if your T read this? Don't forget that she's not there to judge you. If she's reading the site, she may not even know it's you - and if she figures it out - she will only gain more insight into you, which ultimately helps you.

[Perna]

Therapy evolves. I saw my therapist for 9 years and then we didn't see one another for 9 years and then I saw her again for another 9 years :-) It's personal needs, beliefs, style, and bargaining with one's therapist :-)

I wouldn't worry about what's going to happen a couple of years out, keep focusing on right now, talking to this therapist (she's right that you need to talk to her, not us :-) at this time! There is no right or wrong way to be, it's literally what you and she hammer out together. Despite The Bob Newhart Show, you can't "flunk" therapy :-)

Right now, remember that she's had a few years of doing this with lots of people and her thoughts and beliefs are based on her experiences (just like yours are). Whenever I felt like "arguing" with my T, I'd remember that she'd done something a certain way before and even if I thought my way might be better for me, I could try her way first and though it might be a bit slower/harder for me, at least I would have her "along" and one of us would have a clue? LOL

Originally Posted by hangingon

Now I have this huge need to control everything about it so as not to be hurt again. I am hoping therapy can help me balance this out.

I really understand this....and I am guessing that by working through the sorts of things you are working through with your therapist, you will be learning to give up control a bit, and to gain the balance you seek.

Most of my growth in therapy has come through working through the relationship. It's been really important in helping me learn about my fears and my defenses and the way those affect how I relate to people. I still struggle, especially when I am under extra stress, but I am gradually becoming more trusting of others and more accepting of my own needs.

As for your T reading this site...I wouldn't worry about it. I can't imagine a T coming here in his/her spare time and looking for clients.

(((((((((((((((((((Hangingon)))))))))))))))))))) I know this is hard, but you are doing good work

[sunrise]

Hangingon, that was really hard to talk about those topics. Could you have done that when you first began therapy? If not, give yourself a pat on the back! Although I feel very close to my T, I don't think I would have the conversation you had.

Part of what you wrote made me wonder if your T is the one who needs a break? Maybe she isn't used to doing work like this and the intensity is getting to her.

She said something to the effect that she thinks it is really healthy for people to take breaks when it gets to be too much, or if it starts to interfer with things like school work ect. Even if its just a one week break.

I wouldn't consider not going to therapy one week to be a break. Does she think you need more time to process in between sessions? Usually a week was good for me. I know there were times when if I had 2 sessions a week, that would have not given me enough processing time. Another way of taking a break is to ease up on the intense work and spend a session every so often not going deep and reconnecting with your T. It's a supportive session rather than problem-solving. Do you ever do these with your T? Do you think that sort of thing would satisfy her desire to have you take a break?

I said that I asked on a site that I use if people had taken breaks before and many had said that even after two years they never had, except for vacation.

I think this is not uncommon--the client takes breaks usually when the T has vacation or they do themselves. I don't always go to therapy every week (especially this year since I am trying to get control of my budget). I haven't heard of people taking a break just for the sake of taking a break. I have heard of people taking a break to get some breathing room or because therapy is not helping them right then or because they are too busy in life, etc. When I get way too busy, I do not always have time for therapy. But these are reasons for taking a break, not taking a break just to say you did it. If you don't have a reason to take a break and it will not help you and T is available, what is the reason she wants you to do it?

She said how do you know you can trust the people that post.

LOL, as if there would be any reason to lie about how often one takes a break from therapy!

In my head I was thinking taking a break from the heavy type sessions certainly, I can see that, but a break from therapy itself doesn't seem wise to me giving the fact that things were too overwhelming.

This seems like a really good point to bring up to her. Maybe she sees a need to back off on the intense work and so thought a break might help, but she didn't think of taking a break by doing less intense sessions.

In my head, I immediately went to thinking, ok, so now I have a 2-3 year time frame to get through this stuff.

HangingOn, on the very first meeting with my therapist, he told me that he doesn't do longterm therapy and defined that as longer than 3 years. So it sounds like your T and mine are similar on that view. At that time, it never occurred to me I might see him for anywhere close to 3 years. I have now been seeing him for 2 years 8 months. He has told me since then that sometimes people do stop seeing him and then come back later to work on a new problem or sometimes for a tune-up. I don't know how much longer I will be seeing him. It could be that I might see him a bit longer than 3. I doubt he would be so rigid about it. If I needed a bit longer, he would probably let me. But I can really relate to your feeling about the limited time frame. Mostly I have tried not to worry about it and be hopeful that I would be like the majority of his clients and finish within 3 years. I feel like he knows his field and I don't, and if his clients finish in 3 years than that must be the length of time most need to finish in. I don't have the feeling he would desert clients arbitrarily. And if he had clients who really needed longterm help, he might refer them to a T that included that in their scope of practice. My T is a trauma specialist and has always looked for therapies to help his clients quickly. He thinks straight talk therapy takes too long with trauma. He has used psychodrama, EMDR, and now is trying Lifespan Integration. He says these therapies are faster and he wants to give his clients relief as quickly as possible. I think this may be why he says he doesn't see clients longer than 3 years--because the techniques he uses tend to be effective within that time span for most of his clients. Maybe your T also is very effective in the short term with most clients. But there are always exceptions.

One response was where did that come from, that had nothing to do with what we were talking about

That's kind of like free association, and you and the T might learn a lot by exploring the connection. She did ask where it came from, so could it be she wanted to discuss or discover the link?

We talked about me emailing her as well. I use to do it once after every session. She told me in the beginning that I could but that face to face would get easier in time. This time ... she said, you can do it but we really want you to get to the place where you can tell me here and not depend on email. Again, in my head, I thought ok, its wrong to do it, so I am not going to do it anymore, because I could tell she was not impressed with it.

It is not "wrong" to email, just one way of communicating and one that your T hopes you will not depend on over much. Did your T say it was "wrong"? Also, you shouldn't need to worry about whether she is impressed or not. You just "are", and doing the best you can. It is not up to the therapist to be impressed or not impressed. I think working toward full expression in therapy instead of using extensive email for difficult topics is not a bad goal to work toward. It sounds like at this session you were very expressive and talked about a lot of hard stuff, so it sounds like you are doing good face to face!

I just want to make sure I am doing the right thing, with the right person and not going to end up worse off in the end.

This is an important fear and I hope you can discuss it with your T.

Now I have this huge need to control everything about it so as not to be hurt again. I am hoping therapy can help me balance this out.

That is a great goal too. Maybe by not letting you control everything (e.g. the email policy), your T is helping you experience that uncertainty and see that you can tolerate and deal with it.

Do you ever find yourself analyzing everything your T says and does? I feel like I am looking for something to say see I told you so. I hate doing that which is another reason why I am in therapy.

Another great goal for therapy. Does your T know all your goals?

Your session sounds like a very difficult but important one, HangingOn. Good work.

[phoenix7]

I have a lot of the same fears - I overanalyse too - for my last appt T said oh you can come on tuesday but onlyi f you want to WT?

So I asked him next session if by that he meant

I dont want to see you anymore and so it would be good if you just said no you dont want ot come to give me an easy out

he said

did I say that? it was prob a poor choice of words on my part - I meant if you were off work and could come - of course I want you to come - I want you to get better and I will not abandon you

did i get off track.... my mind is wandering.....(concussions still) take care P7

[hangingon]

Mightaswelllive,

Thanks, I hope its just a rupture or something. I have never felt confused like this about her responses.
I realize I do have alot of black and white thinking which I need to work on. I also still want to retain my own judgment in making decisions ect. Not that I can't waiver or try out suggestions my T gives me.
As far as my T reading, it does make me nervous, don't know quite why except that I wouldn't want her to get upset with me for asking these questions here.

Perna,

I'll try not to worry so much about that future. That comes with my need to be in control of everything and to plan things out ahead of time.
The no right way or wrong way to be is a good way to look at it. I will try to be patient in this.

Treehouse,

Perhaps this is good for the relationship. I always fear bringing things up because I am afraid I will make my T angry with me. I have a very hard time when people are angry with me.
Hopefully we can work through this more. She doesn't know that I have more feelings about all of this. I think she felt it was settled in session. I often tend to just go with the flow.
She asked me why I didn't get up and leave the session, where she was saying things that bothered me. I said, I did leave in a sense, I checked out in my mind. I hope my T doesn't come here lol....

Sunrise,

Nope, I couldn't talk about these topics in the beginning, I still had the worst time doing it this far along. I kind of just went along with what she was saying and not telling her what I was thinking about what she was saying. I need to work on that as well.
Her reason for suggesting a break was when I said I had a huge test coming and had tried to sit down and study for it and each time I tried I couldn't do it. However, in the end, I did pull through it and did well on the test.
My old therapist had suggested what you had about doing easy work sometimes rather than intense sessions when things got tough. This one made it sound more like a break is more helpful. When I mentioned that my intention was not to take a break, she said well, I can't always be here.

Then mentioned that sometimes she needed to take vacation. I was thinking of course you do, we all do. It came across as very reactionary on her part. She admited in the next session that maybe she was at that point.
I still didn't quite get a clear answer as to why she responded back with the vacation stuff and not always being there, just because I said my intention was not to take a break. I never protested her going away, she hasn't even been away yet since I have seen her. However. I had been away for a week on vacation. She said she will go away in July.

LOL, I liked your response about people posting on the site. It is true, we are all incognito here, do we really need to lie? I imagine she just wanted me to be cautious.
I hope when I am further down the road I will be more relaxed about parting from therapy, right now, I feel like I am just beginning.

When she did ask me where what I said came from, I tried to explain it, then she responded with, you already told me that before. That was what really made me check out in my head. Maybe it was because I felt like she was shutting me down just like my mom had many of times.

About the emailing, I am still worried about it now because I don't want her getting upset with me.
As far as goals, we have never really sat down and discussed these. Though I did tell her one of the things I really need to work on is relationships. I have friends but I have never been intimate with them, I have never been the type to be vulnerable. I am learning that now. Trying to be more open with people.

Phoenix,

That would so be me. I would think the same thing, maybe I interpreted her wanting me to take a break to mean that she didn't really want to see me.
I want taking a break to be my choice.
I love your T response to you and I am glad you brought it up to him. I bet it made you feel so much better.
I am one that needs lots of affirmation and clarity or my mind with go all over with the information.