[TrespassersWill]

Please don't take that the wrong way. I just mean I think I probably could benefit from some touching because I live alone, have few interactions with friends, not in a relationship and no family for over a thousand miles. So I just never get touched like being hugged or hand held.

I read others on here, ok I confess I've been a guest lurker for awhile, but I saw how many of you have a therapist that touches. How do you get that? Actually I did think technically that is against their code of psychology ethics or something like that. But I just want to get hugged in a safe manner as I am battling issues of PTSD and Aspergers so sometimes I don't want to be touched and like I can't stand dr appointments when I get touched. I was even fingerprinted for a job once where they had an issue with me claiming I would not let them manipulate my hand and I knew it was the touch issue thing. But like I said I'm not used to being touched as an adult. I hadn't seen any family for over 2 years and recently saw them and they no longer wanted to hug me it seems as I barely got hugged the whole time I was there.

[hangingon]

Have you ever brought the issue of touch up with your T? Some T's will not offer such touch but that does not mean they won't be willing to give a hug. It's a scary thing to ask but if you do with the intention that it may not happen, and then it does, you will probably be quite happy you asked.

[TrespassersWill]

How do I ask? I have a hard time expressing true feelings with T. I'm still reeling because a couple weeks ago I swear I heard her say we were friends. That's a big deal to me because I've not ever had many friends having Aspergers and all. But I listened to a voicemail on my way out of her office and I exclaimed "oh its my crazy bipolar friend she's probably changing her mind again because she always does...why can't I have normal friends". And T said "what do you mean I'm your friend and I'm normal". I was so shocked. Was she just saying that friends thing because people are so casual with the term? Or does she really consider us friends?

Sometimes my medical doctors have hugged me real quick or my GP now squeezes me on the shoulder. I like that. I reached up and hugged him one time when he did that then later thought uh-oh should I have not done that because I don't always read correctly what I should do. I'm not in love with him or any of my drs, but I do adore them for being good to me because I know I'm a difficult patient. Another dr I held hands with her a long time and loved it. I think I'm like touch deprived or something. Yet at the same time you'll never catch me being the one to initiate hugs with a long time friend. They always have to inititate.

back to the question at hand- how to I ask T for touch?

[majella]

The way I would go about asking my t for something like this, would be to start off talking in general about how I long for some sort of safe, comforting, and trust-worthy touch ... and I would hope that through that sort of discussion, an opening might present itself where I could talk to my t about the nature of touch within a therapeutic setting, and just what her stance was on all of that.

It reminds me of a time when I did ask my t if she wouldnt mind holding my hand sometimes in our sessions, especially when I got sucked into a horrible flashback from the past and needed something to help ground me, as i thought holding my t's hand would help me to keep alot more present and reassured, and i would feel alot safer knowing she was there with me. But unfortunately, this simple request ended up turning out to be such a big deal for my t where she needed to take my request with her to professional supervision! And then when she finally got the okay from her supervisor about it, and said that yes - she would be prepared to hold my hand in our sessions ... but she was very firm about under what conditions this could occur, and that it would have to be something that we were very open and honest about and which couldnt be done in secret ... and in the end, there was such a big deal made out of what I thought was just a simple request to hold my hand just to give me a bit of comfort and reassurance when I needed it, that it completely ruined it for me and I decided that I didnt want it anymore if it wasnt something that my t could give me willingly and without complication.

But my t just wasnt big on touching her clients ... and some ts just arent!

And when I had this big issue with my t about her holding my hand, and I got really upset that she made such a big deal over it (and at the time, I thought my t must have considered it such a chore and so repulsive to bare to touch me!) that my t openly admitted to me that she'd never ever had a client ask her for any form of touch in their relationship ... and nor had my t ever routinely given any form of touch to a client before ... it just wasnt her style of conducting therapy .... But to my t's credit, she was very clear about letting me know that the big deal she made about my request for her to hold my hand in our sessions, was more to do with her stuff and her discomfort in what I had asked for, than it was anything to do with me ... so in the end I was okay about it.

I dont know whether this reply has been helpful or not ... and I think some ts might even come from the viewpoint that they are not responsible to meet these sorts of needs that their clients have to be hugged and comforted anyway, and they might think its more important to teach you how to self comfort and self nurture - I'm not really sure how it works! ....

But you dont really have anything to lose by discussing this subject with your t - at least in general terms - and then just taking it from there.

[ECHOES]

You talk about it like other hard to talk about issues. "I have something to talk about that is hard for me to say..." and go from there. Let T know this is your wish and then let her respond.

My T does not "readily" hug or physically comfort. It frustrates me sometimes---but talking about it to explore more about my wish (and my reactions to/feelings about her responses) have been opportunities for intimacy and comfort in other forms. And having experienced that, I am able to recognize and feel intimacy and comfort in my therapy and in my outside of therapy life.

Talking about this wish, this longing, was hard especially because I didn't get what I wanted but because it opened up the entire experience of talking about wishes. Very important for me I guess, because my inner life seems to include a LOT of thoughts that begin with "I wish.."

((((((((((((((((((((TW)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I asked my T early in therapy if he touched his clients - because I did NOT want to be touched, EVER! - and he said that yes, he did, and described the different situations in which he might use touch, and the type of touch that was appropriate, etc. He also made it clear that the client (me!) is in control, and that while touch can be very healing, he doesn't use it with everyone. He told me that touch was used where he did his internship, and that he believes in how healing it can be.

Now, touch is an important part of my therapy, but it took a long time to reach that point.

Every T is different. Some, like my T, use touch liberally. Others have a strict "no touch" policy. Maybe you could start by just asking T what her policy is about touch??

((((((((((((TW))))))))))))))) I hope you are able to get what you need, either in therapy or outside of therapy.

[TrespassersWill]

You know talking about touch is the hardest thing because I have trouble talking about intimacy, sex and so forth with therapist. Course I have trouble talking about anything verbally and do much better with written communication.

I don't know if I can do this guys. I mean it is such a delicate issue in my mind I don't want her to think I have sexual feelings for her just because I ask to be touched. Asking someone to touch you is so intimate anyway. Or at least seems that way to me. Then there is other things like she main light of a date rape I had over a decade ago that I think still interferes with my getting in relationships or even trusting anyone about anything. So we have a bit of a wall between us though she is one hundred times better than my previous T.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by TrespassersWill

I just want to get hugged

I barely got hugged the whole time I was there.

On thing I notice in the way you write is that you refer to a hug as something you "get", as if it is something done to an object, not a human being. To me, a hug is reciprocal. When two people hug each other, they both give and they both receive.

Yet at the same time you'll never catch me being the one to initiate hugs with a long time friend. They always have to inititate.

This sounds like it would be a great thing to explore in therapy--what makes you reluctant/scared to initiate a hug. Is there a way to work on that? A discussion about this might open the door to a discussion about touch with your therapist. Sometimes it can be hard to bring up a subject like this so this would be an introduction to get the ball rolling.

Maybe since you are reluctant to initiate hugs with longtime friends, learning to initiate a hug with your T would be very helpful to you in learning to do this in the "outside world."

I don't receive touch during therapy. However, at the end of my sessions, T and I frequently hug right before I go out the door. These hugs aren't part of therapy but are an exemplar of our closeness. There has been at least one time during therapy when I wanted his physical comfort but I did not act on this and the moment passed. We didn't discuss hugging before we began to do it. We had known each other quite a while and it came naturally. It could be your T would not think you would want touch because of the circumstances about yourself you have described. Maybe you could just keep it light and after a challenging session, on your way out, you could just say, "I could really use a hug right now," or something like that, and see how she responds. Be prepared that she might refuse you, though, because some Ts never touch their clients. So try not to take it personally if you are rebuffed. But it could have big pay-offs!

[TrespassersWill]

I think part of the inability to initiate hugging is I have Aspergers too. So I don't understand proper behavior nor how to read body language, facial expressions and have got into trouble in past for being inappropriate, overly blunt, etc to where I am now scared to death of screwing things up between me and any other person. That's part of being an Aspie like being an alien on a strange planet that we don't understand.

[(JD)]

You know talking about touch is the hardest thing because I have trouble talking about intimacy, sex and so forth with therapist.

I don't know if I can do this guys. I mean it is such a delicate issue in my mind I don't want her to think I have sexual feelings for her just because I ask to be touched.

I think to discuss this with her is a good idea. It may take more than one session though, because while you do say it isn't sexual, you also link touch to sexuality only, it appears. To learn that there are many types of touch will help you not only in a therapy session, but in real life too, as you work to develop safe relationships there as well. TC

[TrespassersWill]

Originally Posted by _Sky

I think to discuss this with her is a good idea. It may take more than one session though, because while you do say it isn't sexual, you also link touch to sexuality only, it appears. To learn that there are many types of touch will help you not only in a therapy session, but in real life too, as you work to develop safe relationships there as well. TC

I think that's because there never has been much touch in my life other than sexual. And to me asking for anything from another person is like asking for sex where you are just asking for somebody to give of themselves because you want something from them. I don't know how else to word it. I also know that some people do get attraction to their T's and I just wanted to make it clear I don't have that kind of attraction. I am bonded with her and miss her while she is on vacation, but as far as I can tell that's the extent of my feelings. I'm just not real knowledgable about different types of touch. The touch I know is either of abuse or rape or sex. Or the intrusive prodding and painful invasive touching of medical treatments. That's it.

I'm also confused when others ask for touch. Friends I understand if they want to hug though I'm not even sure I hug right. But like the female technician that asked me for a hug while I was half naked after a breast ultrasound I don't understand things like that. I also got slugged at work by a guy I felt had been stalking me. I don't understand that touch either. I'm also paranoid to bring this all up since disability read my treatment notes and I feel so invaded by what they already know about me. Psych notes are so personal.

[ECHOES]

Using words is the way to explore this with your T. You can't actually "get" your T to touch you because that is up to her. But you can talk about it.

Tell her that it isn't sexual. I told my T this because I think of touch as sexual mostly but I knew I wasn't thinking of it that way with my wish. It is a motherly touch I long for.

[peaches100]

Tresspasserswill,

I am currently struggling with the same longing you are regarding wanting to receive comforting physical touch from my t. Like you also, I got very, very little hugging or holding as a child, and when i did receive touch, it was sometimes an inappropriate form (se*ual abuse). I absolutely understand your conflicting feelings about touch -- how you long for it from your t -- but how you also feel some discomfort when hugged by others. Touch IS confusing when we've been deprived of good touch and have been recipients of bad touch in the past.

I know it's difficult to bring up, but I suggest you ask your t what their stand is on providing physical touch. Be aware that they may say Yes or No. My t is very wary about giving me any physical touch because of my past SA, even though I've expressed numerous times, and in numerous ways, my longing for it. It has been super hard for me to accept that she does not give me something i feel is a true need. She has not actually ever said "NO," but let's say, she is "very hesitant." We've actually argued about this a few times. Lately, I've tried to just drop the whole subject and try to ignore my need for hugs because it's too painful to keep wanting something that just isn't happening.

Don't use my experience as a reason not to pursue the subject with your t though. Your t may have a completely different viewpoint on touch. As you said, there are many people here on the board whose t's are fine with giving comforting touch and/or hugs.

[peaches100]

Majella,

I don't want to hijack tresspasserswill's thread, but i wanted to let you know that I had a very similar experience with my t regarding physical comfort. i almost could have written your post myself. In my case, though, she withheld physical comfort because of my issues (because she actually did hug other patients), while your t had withheld touch because of her issues. By the time my t offered to give me a hug, i responded the same way you did -- i could not accept it because it didn't feel like it was offered genuinely and willingly.

[TrespassersWill]

I got to thinking part of reason I get no touching from her is probably my own doing. Because I did tell her early on that I don't like people touching me like stroking my arm causes me actual pain (Aspergers) and I hate having someone sneak up from behind and tap my shoulder (PTSD trigger). And I also complained about my now deceased kitty who was always brushing up against me for attention and how that drove me crazy. But that's just because I have high anxiety times where I can't handle physical contact from nobody.

But she does do that Body Talk tapping therapy therefore she is probably not overly afraid of touching people. The tapping thing just don't do it for me I mean its not the firmness of a good hug or hand holding. So maybe this is my fault and will have to ask her about it. She knows I have no one in my life other than the very occasional visit with a friend and thus wouldn't be getting human contact elsewhere. I mean I think most T's know how physical contact is now known as something most humans need to be healthy. Incidently I have a new kitty now that my beloved old friend died, but the new kitty is all timid and won't give physical contact. I wonder if she was abused; she seems scared to death most of the time. She usually only approaches me to beg for food otherwise ignores me.

((((((((((((((((TW))))))))))))))))))))))

My son has aspergers and I so get what you mean about firm touch vs. the light touch of kitty rubbing on you.

Have you thought about OT for sensory issues? A good OT could help you learn to tolerate different types of touch. I know that isn't really getting to the deeper issue that you are talking about in therapy, but it might make life in general more comfortable for you.

[TrespassersWill]

You know TH I had an OT for awhile when I was with Voc Rehab. But since I applied for disability VR dropped me like a hot potato. The OT was not at all comfortable with me as an autistic and didn't work with other Aspies or Auties. She did always give me a hug at the end of our time though. But now I think she always loathed me cause I kinda heard tell she asked not to ever work with me again. She just did organizational training with me for the brain injury scatterbrainness. She hated my cluttered & dirty home. My medical insurance won't cover OT's for anything but physical injury.

You're right TH about the kitty touch. My kitty was always overly demanding of getting petted. Always brushing up against me and those soft kitty hairs and bristly tail brushing against my arm was irritating and sometimes startling because she was so determined. But now that she's passed away I would endure her forwardness 24/7 just to have her back with me again I loved that darn cat so much. But Aspies always like the bear hugs best and also firmness so I think that's why two of my doctors who also have Aspie kids will squeeze me on the shoulder real firm. They probably know its a good Aspie touch and they also know as doctors they can't get in trouble for showing affection to a patient that way.