[peaches100]

This might be a better thread for the Dissociative Disorders forum, but I'll give it a shot here anyway:

My t and I have been talking the last 3 weeks or so about the semi-dissociated parts of my personality (any of you who know about Internal Family Systems therapy will understand my mention of "parts.") Anyway, my t has said that it's important to have a good sense of who my core self is, and to be able to identify it. Over time, I've been able to identify parts of me that have formed as a result of trauma (the hurt child part) or parts of me that operate in a defensive way (the superficial "always in control, things are great" mask i wear to keep people at a distance and hide my issues and pain). I've been able to identify about 8 different . . .i dunno. . .personas, or ways of being.

So here's the thing. . .my t asked me recently who my core self is. And after thinking about it. . .I realize that i don't know! What is confusing to me is that all of my self parts feel like they are the main core me at the time when i am in that role. For example, when i'm in my adultlike analytical mode, i feel calm, rational, and without emotion, and that feels like the genuine me. But when i get triggered into my child-like state, i feel anxious, fearful, and needy, and at that time, it is the only part of me i am aware of, so it feels like the genuine me. I seem unable to feel (or be) all of the parts of me at the same time, nor to pinpoint which part(s) of me are the true, core me without my messy issues or defenses mixed in.

So today. . .my t said something like this. . ."Until you are able to differentiate your core self from the parts that are overshadowing it, i can operate as your "self" and ask the sorts of questions that will help us gain a better understanding." or something to that effect.

Does anybody know what she means by this? Is it somewhat similar to what the therapy books refer to as the "holding environment"? I had thought that the holding environment had more to do with the therapist being able to "contain" or "hold" the distressing emotions that the patient was unable to tolerate. But can the therapist also be a temporary self state for the patient, as they work on identifying the core self?

Any thoughts?

I've never heard of that....the therapist holding the "self" state... how do you feel about it?? Do you know how it will work?

One of the most helpful things my T EVER did was point out threads of "me" that run through all of my parts. I had brought water to session to drink in a mason jar and he commented about it (because it reminded him of his grandma's garden ). And then he said something about how people tend to carry around super fancy water bottles, or bottled water, or whatever, and how the mason jar was so symbolic and indicative of who *I* am...into simplicity, natural things, not into buying "stuff", etc. He pointed out that ALL of my parts have that in common, and that if I went back to high school, or college, or whatever, the people who knew me then would know that as part of my personality. I'm also musical, and that is a thread that has run through my life and through all of my parts. He identified a few things like that for me, and I realized that even though I have all of these parts, there is still this "self" somewhere.

I wonder if something like that would help you? Identifying common threads in your parts, and throughout your life??

It sounds like you are working hard.

[sunrise]

peaches, that is really interesting. I have never heard of the therapist assuming the role of self.

My T and I have done ego state therapy, and I know I have various ego states. One is what, in the lingo, is often referred to as the "executive." Have you used that terminology before? I wonder if your T means the executive by the core self? You also used the word "true" to describe your core self. I don't believe that one ego state is the "true" state. I believe all of my ego states are part of me and all are true. I think part of my therapy has been to understand them better and learn to interact with them more functionally and to see some of them as part of me rather than the "other". It almost sounds like your T is devaluing some of your states compared to others which are "truer". How do you think this will help you? I have also heard of people who are DID who have identified their true self as being the original, with the other alters as having split off at one point or another. And sometimes one of the ones that split off becomes the dominant (executive?) state, and the "true" (original) state becomes less prominent and more background. I guess there are all kinds of variations.

Maybe your therapist has a strong need to identify an executive so she can work with that state as her ally. Maybe she's not finding an ally among your 8 more or less "equal" selves. Some time ago, one of my ego states wanted to ally himself with my T and work with him to help me. It really annoyed me. (Who's the boss?)

My idea of the holding environment is like yours, Peaches, not like what your T is doing by assuming your self role.

[peaches100]

Treehouse,

I think what your t did is sort of what my t means by serving temporarily as the self . . .that she would ask questions and point things out that she notices about me in order to help me identify my core self. She said something like how over time i will be able to take over that role myself. I think i'll ask her more about this next week.

[peaches100]

Hi Sunrise,

One of the terminologies that my t and i have used is "managers." I think that this is like the "executive" that you mentioned. These are adult roles of the self that all serve in different ways to protect the self (but not always in functional ways). Like the "analytic part" of me keeps me in my head, in order to avoid painful feelings. When i am in that state of mind, i process alot of information but doesn't really feel my emotions. The "critic" is the part of me that self-criticizes and shames me for anything i do that appears weak, childish, or helpless. When i am this way toward myself, my goal is to be always strong and independent, never needing help from anybody. I think these ego states are different from the core self because they are more like defenses i use to avoid pain or to squelch feelings. My t said something about the core self being the part of me that represents my center, who i naturally am, as opposed to self parts (ego states) that i've built up as a result of traumas.

I don't think my t has ever used the word "true" self. That was my word. She said "core self." She has never said any one of them is better or more right than the others. What you say makes sense. All of the ego states are true, in that they are all a part of me.

I'm just trying to get a handle on what the core self is, apart from the other ego states. . .

Maybe what differentiates the core self from the ego states that I have built up to serve a protective/defensive function is that the core self is that the core self is the part of me that is my natural born self, and the individual inner qualities that make me me? Like the part of me that is, and would be, regardless of the problems and traumas I've been through.

Just thinking. . .

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by peaches100

So today. . .my t said something like this. . ."Until you are able to differentiate your core self from the parts that are overshadowing it, i can operate as your "self" and ask the sorts of questions that will help us gain a better understanding." or something to that effect.

My first instinct is to feel very frightened by the thought that any T is going to want to take over control and "operate as my self" -- and then I think that I would very much like someone who could ask the right questions so as to co-operate with me in probing what is going on (something I have thought a great deal about). So I am confused and ambivalent about this.

[chaotic13]

Well here is my take on the ego state thing as I experience it. I have several ego states that I sense. I think I respond or react to things differently depending on which state is more predominant in my mine at the time. Often like after a therapy session, I can go back and reflect on what happen and "see" in my case draw what each of these states are feeling about a topic or the discussion. When I first showed a drawing like this to my T, she asked which one of the figures was me. My response was fairly quick..."None of them. I'm the artist." This response has has kind of struck with me. I think my authentic self is a dynamic state that contains elements of all of the and maybe more that I don't even know about. On good days, when I think about ME, I see the artist with a blank sheet of paper and my ego states as different color paints. ...On bad days, the paper is splatted with paint so mixed up and thick that it is completely covered and black.

I think when facing the Who Am I question, I try to get quiet and see what surfaces... An that is who I am, at that moment. I think most of the time what ever surfaces, is OK.

[sunrise]

Peaches, I read up more on what "executive" means, and it does not sound that same as the managers of IFS, and it doesn't mean quite the same as what I thought either. I thought it was the main ego state, the person I consider to be me. But it turns out executive is the term given to the ego state in control. For me, that is always myself, as my ego states don't take over like in DID. The closest I have come is that male ego state I referred to, and there was a period of days once that we were very co-conscious, but I did not allow him to take over. (I remember my T saying to me very vehemently, "you've got to stay in control!" My reaction was "huh, I didn't know I could let him take over." And then "hey, that sounds good. I'm exhausted. Let him run the show for a while!" Needless to say, this was not the response T had hoped for. ) So he was not in favor of me letting this guy become executive for a while. And I didn't. So, sorry for the confusion with the term. Executive just means the ego state who is invested with the ego energy at the time, so its identity could vary, depending on to what extent your parts are separate alters.

I'm glad it wasn't your T who used the word "true." The use of this word had sounded like it did not value all the ego states, so I'm glad this wasn't your T's word.

I like to think of my ego states as all part of me, and I open my arms wide and I embrace them. I tend to approach life very positively, and always look for the good in people and identify their strengths rather than their weaknesses. I try to do the same with my ego states. If I look hard enough, they all bring something positive to the "family" who is me.

One thing I notice about me and my ego states is that when I use the term "I" to refer to myself, I think that refers to me, to my core self, the sunny who is writing this post right now. When I speak of any of my ego states, I use the word "she" or "he". They are object rather than self. (Yet self too, in that they are all parts of me.) Does that make sense? For example, when that male state was around, and T was trying to talk to him, I would always have to be the intermediary. T would ask me a question, the male would give me an answer, and I would say to T, "he says that blah blah blah." Do you speak of a particular one of your ego states/parts/selves as "I"? And refer to others as "she"? Maybe that can give you a clue to who your core self is.

(BTW, my male is my protector so he sounds like one of those managers you referred to.)

Originally Posted by Peaches100

Maybe what differentiates the core self from the ego states that I have built up to serve a protective/defensive function is that the core self is that the core self is the part of me that is my natural born self, and the individual inner qualities that make me me? Like the part of me that is, and would be, regardless of the problems and traumas I've been through.

Peaches, do those ideas help you identify your core? "Who am I?" is a very exciting question.

Originally Posted by pachyderm

My first instinct is to feel very frightened by the thought that any T is going to want to take over control and "operate as my self"

I agree--that sounds scary and invasive. Peaches, maybe you need more than 3 weeks to find the core. On the other hand, what it sounds like your T would be doing is just asking helpful and guiding questions. A therapist might do this anyway, without having to label themselves as their client's "self." So maybe it is just semantics. In any case, sounds like you are doing good work (and interesting too!).

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

My first instinct is to feel very frightened by the thought that any T is going to want to take over control and "operate as my self" -- and then I think that I would very much like someone who could ask the right questions so as to co-operate with me in probing what is going on (something I have thought a great deal about). So I am confused and ambivalent about this.

Hi Pachy,

I didn't get the feeling that she was going to exercise any control over me. . .just that she would kind of point things out for me to be able to question myself and the various parts of me. Like shew would bring to my awareness things about me that would help me pinpoint and identify who my core self is. That she'd help me be an observer of me. I may not be explaining it very well.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Hi Pachy,

I didn't get the feeling that she was going to exercise any control over me. . .just that she would kind of point things out for me to be able to question myself and the various parts of me. Like shew would bring to my awareness things about me that would help me pinpoint and identify who my core self is. That she'd help me be an observer of me. I may not be explaining it very well.

Yes, that is my issue, I guess!

[peaches100]

Hi Chaotic,

Thanks for sharing your take on the ego states. This is how i feel also:

I think I respond or react to things differently depending on which state is more predominant in my mine at the time.

Yes, and since at the time, that particular ego state dominates, it feels as though that's me.

Often like after a therapy session, I can go back and reflect on what happen and "see" in my case draw what each of these states are feeling about a topic or the discussion.

Yeah, me too. What is confusing for me is when i am aware of more than one ego state at a time. I see/feel/interpret a situation from several different angles, depending on which ego state's viewpoint i'm seeing things from. What i don't like about this is that it can make me feel confused or wishy washy because I feel one way when i'm in my normal adult mind and feel a totally different way when i view the exact same situation from a child ego state. So i can feel my mind and feelings being pulled in different directions. That can make it very hard for me to know what I really, truly feel or how i should act on the situation. What do you do in cases like that?

When I first showed a drawing like this to my T, she asked which one of the figures was me. My response was fairly quick..."None of them. I'm the artist." . . . .I see the artist with a blank sheet of paper and my ego states as different color paints.

From what you say, your core self is aware of and in touch with the other self states and can express them nonverbally through your painting. That is really interesting to me, and I want to think about that some more.

I think when facing the Who Am I question, I try to get quiet and see what surfaces... An that is who I am, at that moment. I think most of the time what ever surfaces, is OK.

It sounds like you accept the ego states as they come up, rather than trying to quiet them or push them away. I haven't found the comfort and acceptance inside myself to allow some of the ego states to come up because they embarrass me. . .not being so adultlike, in control, strong, etc. Several of my ego states feel childlike and very, very vulnerable. Just the thought of allowing them voice makes me feel like a turtle outside my shell. i know they could be hurt so easily. t wants me to be able show these parts of me sessions, and i really want and need to. she says those are the parts of me that need healing. but every time i think about trying to be open from those parts of me, i feel afraid. and when i sense their fragileness and the pain they carry inside, it hurts me inside. it makes me want to weep.

[peaches100]

i also worry sick that if i let down my emotional armor and allow t to see how those parts of me think and feel, that she will see how scared and immature and childish i am. it will be apparent that behind my big strong in control mask there are very fragile, hurting, needy parts of me. i try to hide them because i feel ashamed to be that way. i know that my t already knows these parts of me exist, but i fear that i'll somehow really embarrass myself or say or do something that will make me appear stupid or crazy or foolish.

[peaches100]

Sunrise,

This is the big difference between us:

I like to think of my ego states as all part of me, and I open my arms wide and I embrace them. I tend to approach life very positively, and always look for the good in people and identify their strengths rather than their weaknesses. I try to do the same with my ego states. If I look hard enough, they all bring something positive to the "family" who is me.

I don't know how to feel good about my ego states. it is hard for me to feel compassion for them because i feel ashamed of them for being the way they are.

[peaches100]

OK. . .so the "executive" is the ego state that is currently in control at any given time. Gotcha.

Originally Posted by peaches100

Sunrise,

This is the big difference between us:

I like to think of my ego states as all part of me, and I open my arms wide and I embrace them. I tend to approach life very positively, and always look for the good in people and identify their strengths rather than their weaknesses. I try to do the same with my ego states. If I look hard enough, they all bring something positive to the "family" who is me.

I don't know how to feel good about my ego states. it is hard for me to feel compassion for them because i feel ashamed of them for being the way they are.

This is something T is working on with me right now. He can see the value in each of my parts and he tells me why they are important, why they have been so valuable on my journey, and what is positive about each of them. It's hard to accept, but nice to hear, and hopefully I will internalize it eventually.

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by peaches100

What is confusing for me is when i am aware of more than one ego state at a time. What i don't like about this is that it can make me feel confused or wishy washy because I feel one way when i'm in my normal adult mind and feel a totally different way when i view the exact same situation from a child ego state.

Me too, hence why in therapy and in other exchanges I often say very little until I've had time to work out which opinion or thought best represents where I am and what I'm thinking. I think this is why A LOT of the stuff I've work through in therapy has been don't by me expressing these thoughts via email after my session. I'm getting better now though in just saying some of the stuff in my head and sorting it out in live dialog. This was and still is very difficult for me to do.

It sounds like you accept the ego states as they come up, rather than trying to quiet them or push them away.

NO, not there yet. I can accept my ego states as they come up when I am ALONE and QUIET. Like you, some of the feelings and thoughts that surface from these ego states, especially the child and teen, very much embarrass me. I do not allow these to surface in live exchanges were they can get me into trouble. I've been sharing these thoughts with my T for a while now via email. One recently, have I been willing to attempt to share them actually in the session. Sharing these thought leaves me feeling very vulnerable, childish, and well a lot of other things that I can't write. My T has been VERY patient with me.

BTW, I still laugh thinking about the first few exchanges I had with Sunrise, Miss C , and others about ego states. I was NOT accepting of this concept at all. In fact when I first started sensing them I totally freaked out and thought I was getting more unstable. Thanks again Miss C and Sunrise for chilling me out because at that point in my therapy there was no way I was going to tell my T about what I was experiencing.

hi sweet peach. i've posted this site before but i don't know if you've seen it. i'm currently reading the guy's book on all this inner family stuff. the best way to use his site is to read his guidebooks otherwise a ton of windows pop open.

here is what he says about the true Self (just click where it says false self and true Self and these defs will pop up):

Premise - one of the subselves that comprise every normal per-sonality is a talented group leader - the true Self (capital "S"). S/He is like an expert CEO, coach, director, chairman, captain, or musical con-ductor. As this subself matures, s/he increasingly excels at wide-angle, long-range goal-setting; focusing; delegating; confronting; negotiating; encouraging; guiding; analyzing; deciding; acquiring resources; praising; problem-solving; conflict management; and balancing. When other sub-selves trust the Self and other "Regulars" to lead, people report feeling notably light, "up," centered, strong, calm, grounded, purposeful, focus-ed, resilient, alert, awake, confident, present, energized, serene, and clear - even in crises and conflicts.
When you don't feel some mix of these, one or more distrustful, reactive Inner Kids and/or Guardian subselves (a "false self") has pro-bably blended with (disabled) your Self. This is so common in people raised in low-nurturance childhoods they're usually unaware of it. Given the chance to lead, your Self wants to harmonize and coordinate your other subselves to achieve your unique purpose for being on Earth. Fam-ily Project 1 in this site is a way to empower your Self and harmonize your subselves over time.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by peaches100

i also worry sick that if i let down my emotional armor and allow t to see how those parts of me think and feel, that she will see how scared and immature and childish i am. it will be apparent that behind my big strong in control mask there are very fragile, hurting, needy parts of me. i try to hide them because i feel ashamed to be that way. i know that my t already knows these parts of me exist, but i fear that i'll somehow really embarrass myself or say or do something that will make me appear stupid or crazy or foolish.

It sounds like one thing that's really hard is you don't want your T to see these parts. She probably already does, at least a little, but you can work with these parts without having them come out overtly to your T, and so alleviate at least that part of the stress. Your T might be able to guide you in interacting with your parts, but they wouldn't have to come out to her. In session, my T helped me learn to "rescue" and comfort some younger ego states. I would go to them and help them, but they never came out and interacted directly with T. Sometimes, they came along to therapy, but usually just stood or sat there.

it is hard for me to feel compassion for them because i feel ashamed of them for being the way they are.

I wonder if you interacted with them more, maybe you would see they are OK? Perhaps they are needy and sad and ready to take your hand.... Maybe in therapy you could learn how to extend your hand.

Originally Posted by chaotic13

BTW, I still laugh thinking about the first few exchanges I had with Sunrise, Miss C , and others about ego states. I was NOT accepting of this concept at all. In fact when I first started sensing them I totally freaked out and thought I was getting more unstable. Thanks again Miss C and Sunrise for chilling me out because at that point in my therapy there was no way I was going to tell my T about what I was experiencing.

Ha, ha, I do remember that chaotic. You were very resistant! I can really relate to what you said though, because the first time I met my male protector ego state, I really freaked out and thought I was so aberrant. I had come to accept younger child ego state versions of myself, but an adult male?! I was sure T would have me committed or something, but instead he told me it is not unusual to have ego states of the opposite sex. Phew!

[Abby]

This thread has been really interesting to read. There were parts of it that i didn't really understand but i'm quite new to ideas like ego states etc.

Peaches - i'm sorry but i don't understand your original question and therefore can't reply to it but i wanted to say that your experience with your parts i understand fully. I also have different parts that i know are me and yet are seperate from me. I can easily differentiate between all the parts and like Sunrise, i talk about them (in therapy) using 'she' or in the third person although i'm clueless about me in the first person sense. When i first started therapy i always assumed that the dominant part of me was me and i/she felt angry when i ('i' as in the whole) became depressed as though there was no reason i should become depressed because she was so in control. She wasn't, she just liked to believe she was! After awhile i realised that actually she was simply the most dominant part because i (as in me, first person) needed her so often and she was actually quite detrimental to my health because she stamped down on all the more vulnerable, depressed parts of me. After this point a 4th part shifted into view and at the moment i'm not sure if this is the real me or just another part, but because she is rather redundant,empty and nothingy it kinda leads me to conclude it probably is the real me. I always feel vacant and empty so it makes sense.

I understand what you mean about being utterly confused about your feelings/thoughts. I'm never 100% certain about anything. I absolutely hate this in therapy because i like things to be concrete and logical so when we spend every session wandering from one issue to another i get angry.

My therapist refers to my parts as building blocks, and that makes sense to me because they are defined parts that make me be the person i appear to be now. But they are not 'me'. I told my therapist that my main issue is that i have no idea who i am and she said that we can spend time in therapy discussing that. But i tried to explain that talking doesn't feel like it could help because i feel i am a void, a vaacum so i have nothing to talk about. How can i talk something into existance? I can talk about them (the parts) in therapy (in abstract form) but they aren't me, not really.

I'm with you, i don't accept these parts as me or part of who i am because i dislike them. But i also like them. Or at least, i understand their value. - This is going to get confusing because i won't know if i'm speaking or one of them is speaking. It will probably be a bit of us all. - I (first person) don't have much control over my parts but my controlling part has it down to a tee so i don't worry about any of the more vulnerable parts being embarrassing. The only place where this isn't the case is in therapy because i feel my therapist does her very best to unbalance my controlling part and she/i hate her for that. My vulnerable part jumps for joy when my therapist gets one up on my controlling part because she feels she like she lives in a tyranny most of the time. So in therapy i have a lot of conflict, on one hand i want my therapist to find me/the vulnerable part, but on the other i want to push her away and make her pay for even daring to try and overthrow my/controlling part control.

My therapist always goes on and on about letting the vulnerable part speak - she never does, she may speak through another part, but i, 'the controlling part', won't let that happen often because i know she has been through enough. My therapist believes we can open up bit by bit but i feel that is impossible - it'll be a bit like a wound having part of its protective gauze torn away, once it is open it'll start to bleed again and eventually the opening will get bigger and bigger until it has ripped apart entirely.

Having said all that as Sunrise suggested sometimes when i'm alone i try and sit with my vulnerable part but she has been shut down for so long she won't come out when i want her too, only when triggered.

I am reassured that other people in this thread also don't always show their vulnerable part in therapy either, because i was starting to feel i was being actively stubborn/manipulative. I have a big issue with this in therapy because i will be able to say that i have things i want to talk about but be completely unable to say them outloud. My therapist says i am teasing her, although she has later apologised for this, last session she explained that she says these things because she often forgets about my other vulnerable parts because one of them is so 'feisty' (meaning aggressive) and i guess she is so often doing battle with it it may be hard to make any head-way without being quite brutel at times.

Like you, i'd be very interested in learning how to get my vulnerable part to trust me and learning how to keep the controlling parts dictatorship down to a minimum.

Sorry i wrote so much, i hope this thread continues! I've learnt alot!

[MissCharlotte]

OK, I am jumping out on a limb here because I should have read all of the responses first but here goes. I do believe that T serves as a "container" for our core self until we sort out that definition for ourselves. T holds the pain and the trauma as well as the joy and inspiration while we journey toward an understanding of who we are.

I remember a thread Chaotic started some time ago about whether T's practice offering us statements that we said to them some time earlier and how painful it was. Well this is part of the same process. We tell T things that we are sometimes aware of and sometimes not and then when we least expect it...while we are looking for definition...T gives it back--PLOP--right into our laps. BIG SIGH. It's a lot of work, and a truly responsible T really is a parent-like figure. Because of this incredibly deep connection into our core, there really is no way that we can lose T even when we stop therapy because T becomes PART of us.

(((((((((peaches)))))))))))

[chaotic13]

Plop. Wow where did that come from...You-- just a part that you sometimes forget exists or that is hiding at the moment..

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by reflection

hi sweet peach. i've posted this site before but i don't know if you've seen it. i'm currently reading the guy's book on all this inner family stuff. the best way to use his site is to read his guidebooks otherwise a ton of windows pop open.

here is what he says about the true Self (just click where it says false self and true Self and these defs will pop up):

Reflection,

Thanks for the link! I read it over, and it makes more sense to have it explained. What's the name of the book you're reading?

[peaches100]

It sounds like one thing that's really hard is you don't want your T to see these parts.

I want her to see those parts -- the hurting child parts feel intense need to get their thoughts and feelings out there and be understood. But one of my "manager" parts is so strong and so determined that i always present a strong, happy, in-control presentation. . .it does not allow the hurting, angry, or grieving parts to have any expression. the thought of allowing negative emotions and vulnerability into the t relationship disgusts this manager part, so she keeps her thumb down on the parts of me that actually need the healing.

She probably already does, at least a little, but you can work with these parts without having them come out overtly to your T, and so alleviate at least that part of the stress.

I have allowed the parts to overtly or indirectly come out, mostly through email (one time i sent a "picture story"; i've also sent poems). and my t said she's heard the child part of me before in phone messages. so this is some communication going on. But each time the hurt child parts of me express something to my t, i can just feel the manager part's disapproval and anxiety, which usually leads me to feel that i did something wrong by letting those parts of me speak. so it's an internal struggle.

Your T might be able to guide you in interacting with your parts, but they wouldn't have to come out to her. In session, my T helped me learn to "rescue" and comfort some younger ego states. I would go to them and help them, but they never came out and interacted directly with T. Sometimes, they came along to therapy, but usually just stood or sat there.

My t has tried this angle, but i just don't know how to rescue or comfort those hurting parts of myself. i can't find any compassionate feelings inside of wanting to comfort or rescue. i'm not sure there is any part of me that is accepting of those hurting parts. i don't know how to create and show a feeling of compassion that just isn't there. so my t is having me try something else. . .she wants that manager part of me that disapproves and works so hard to exile the child parts of me to practice feeling compassion and empathy toward other people first. she wants to do things in a stepwise fashion. . .i guess the goal is if my critical manager part can feel empathy for others, then it can learn to feel empathy for those hurting parts inside me.

What's weird is that i'm not finding empathy in this critical manager part. it feels to me like the manager consists of rules for living that i've been taught from childhood. it tells me what i should do, what i should not do, what is OK, not OK, right, wrong, normal, strange, etc. But i'm not sure the manager part has feelings. I know its goal is to keep me doing what it has determined is normal and right. It uses critical messages to correct me ("Grow up." "Quit being such a baby." "Stop whining." "It's no big deal." "That's stupid." "Use your head." "Don't be needy." "Your needs are bad." "Stop being so helpless." "Always be happy." "You're weird." "Don't tell anybody how you feel or they will see how messed up you are.")

I wonder if you interacted with them more, maybe you would see they are OK? Perhaps they are needy and sad and ready to take your hand.... Maybe in therapy you could learn how to extend your hand.

I need to work at this.

I thought about this thread over the weekend... Something happened (in an intimate moment with H) that COMPLETELY TRIGGERED my youngest part. I *think* that was on Saturday. Or maybe Friday?? And then I lost the rest of the weekend. GONE.

Which confuses me. I know from interacting with H and my kids today that I was "myself" this weekend. But *I* don't remember it. Which makes me wonder...who was here? Is there some other grown up me that steps in?

Is the person that I *think* is my core self NOT my core self? So confusing.

Edited to add: I don't even know if I posted on PC since the triggering incident. I'm going to go back and look and see later. Blah!!

Originally Posted by peaches100

Reflection,

Thanks for the link! I read it over, and it makes more sense to have it explained. What's the name of the book you're reading?

i'm glad the link helped. his book is who is really running your life? i got a used but new copy since it's expensive. it's very much written for the layperson and easy to understand even if his writing style comes off a bit hokey.