[pegasus]

So someone will probably say that this thread belongs in the grief forum but I've put it here because I flipping miss T!

(For those who don't know my T died suddenly in March this year, I was with him for 6 years.)

I come in this forum and I want to help but I just find myself filled with grief for my T. I don't have that special person I can go to talk about all those things that are important to me! He's not there for me now!

I've got good stuff going on in my life but I need T to reassure me that it will all be ok. I'm scared God damn it!

Please friends, cherish every moment that you have with your T's, you never know when they might drop dead! (I think this is turning into a rant.)

T, if you are looking down on me, I love you.

Pegasus, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Are you seeing another T? Maybe it would help to talk through the grief you're feeling.

[hangingon]

Pegasus,
I am really sorry as well, It has to be terribly difficult, especially after knowing him for so long. As dream mentioned, do you see another T now?

Sending hugs your way

[searchingmysoul]

(((((((((pegasus)))))))))

I am so so sorry for your loss. Grieving the loss of your T is a totally relavant topic here. Y ou are very brave to voice your grief and sadness. Big hug to you.

[pegasus]

Thank you, all your replies are very helpful.

I spoke to T one last time in November last year and he said I was ready to be independent. I feel very loyal to him even though he is no longer around. I don't want to see another T and unravel all the great work we did together. For the most part I do cope, it is early days yet I guess but I miss him so!

I saw my GP doctor recently and he said it could take years with this grief! He said to immerse myself in my work. I'm sure I'll try that but it really hits you. Like a huge ton of bricks crashing right on top of you.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by pegasus

I spoke to T one last time in November last year and he said I was ready to be independent. I feel very loyal to him even though he is no longer around.

Pegasus, I think your T, who was still alive back then, could not have known the depth of your grief for him and that this might be something you would need to work on in therapy. He may have been referring to specific issues that the two of you worked on earlier together and that he felt you had worked out. So please don't feel that because of some words from your T, you shouldn't see another T. He is not here and doesn't know what you need. In addition, I think it is always up to client to make that judgment for themselves (with all due respect to your beloved T).

I don't want to see another T and unravel all the great work we did together.

Why do you think this would happen? You don't have to give up any of the gains you have made if you see a new T.

I saw my GP doctor recently and he said it could take years with this grief!

Exactly. Going to therapy can help you release it more swiftly and in a safe place.

He said to immerse myself in my work.

Oh, boy, that'll really help. NOT!!! Yeah, just shove your feelings aside and you'll be cured. That will make the grief last even longer. Pegasus, this guy is a GP so don't put too much stock in his advice--it sounds like he doesn't know much about how to be mentally healthy. This isn't to say that having interests like work and friends and hobbies aren't healthy, but just don't let that cover up your feelings so you can grieve.

I hope you can find another T to help you. You would not be dishonoring your T by doing this.

[deliquesce]

((((((pegasus))))))

i'm so, so, so sorry for your loss. i think you are a remarkable person for finding the strength to share it with us here.

i know your T would be honoured and touched by how much loyalty you have to him. but i am also sure that he wouldn't want pegy to be hurting, and would encourage you to reach out for help also (from friends, from a support group, from another T). you will not be "unravelling" the work you have already done, just building upon it. i am sure your T would be proud that you could identify a need and act upon it to nurture yourself and look after you the best way you need it. he wouldn't see it as betrayal - you'll always hold him in a special place of your heart.



i really wish i could hug all this pain away for you.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by pegasus

So someone will probably say that this thread belongs in the grief forum but I've put it here because I flipping miss T!

(For those who don't know my T died suddenly in March this year, I was with him for 6 years.)

I come in this forum and I want to help but I just find myself filled with grief for my T. I don't have that special person I can go to talk about all those things that are important to me! He's not there for me now!

I've got good stuff going on in my life but I need T to reassure me that it will all be ok. I'm scared God damn it!

Please friends, cherish every moment that you have with your T's, you never know when they might drop dead! (I think this is turning into a rant.)

T, if you are looking down on me, I love you.

((((((((Pegasus)))))))))

I think that is a really difficult thing to go through. I'd be pretty upset if something bad happened to my T, or anyone that I cared about for that matter.

Have you dealt with your grief and processed it in a healthy way?
What have you been doing in the time since your loss? Have you attempted therapy with anyone else?\\\

****Having read Sunrise's reply above, it seems you still have quite a bit of processing to do. I'm with Sunrise in that I completely disagree with your GP's well-meaning but misguided advice to throw yourself into your work as some kind of a "cure" for your normal feelings of grief and sadness. Maybe that's how he handle's things, but it's not healthy to follow that advice. You need to talk about it and deal with your emotions so that you can move on.

You weren't done with therapy when your T unexpectedly died, and so I say it seems you have a lot of unfinished work to still do. Your T would probably tell you to seek therapy with another therapist.
Perhaps this is your signal to do so...life goes on even when we lose someone we love and care about. Your T wouldn't want you to suffer out of fear of beginning again with a new therapist.

It's normal to feel like you do... but why go it alone? You need to talk about this. I also wouldn't let it end my therapy.

I wish you the best.

[ECHOES]

((( pegasus ))) Missing is so excrutiating. It can take so long to be able to miss and not have it feel so bad.

[velcro003]

[quote=Simcha;1051755
Have you dealt with your grief and processed it in a healthy way?
What have you been doing in the six years since your loss? Have you attempted therapy with anyone else?

.[/quote]
I think Pegasus said her/his T died a few months ago, and she/he had been with him for 6 years.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by velcro003

I think Pegasus said her/his T died a few months ago, and she/he had been with him for 6 years.

We must have been posting at the same time;
I've corrected that.

(((((((((((((((((((((pegasus)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Missing someone is so hard...and it seems to come in waves.

I do agree with sunrise....I don't think T would want you to be alone with your grief. He may have felt that you were done with the work that you were doing with him, but this grief is something new that couldn't have been forseen.

Lots of hugs to you, whatever you decide to do.

[jacq10]

(((((((((((Pegasus)))))))))))))

I'm so sorry to hear about your T I can only imagine how you must feel having someone so important to you just drop out of your life like that. This is absolutely the right forum to come and post, and I hope you feel free to further elaborate on what you're feeling, even if it may seem like a "rant." You have lots of willing and caring ears to help you out here, and all the more support.

I hope you can find the means or resources to help you process some of this intense grief. I know it might be hard to open yourself up to another T, but the important thing is that you do talk about it - whether that be with a new T, or with family/friends/the PC community.

Big hugs
Jacqueline

[notz]

notz hugs the horse

[pegasus]

Thanks everyone, it's all really good advice you have given me here.

I'll give it some time.

I'll continue to share here with you all if you don't mind.

[ECHOES]

We're here, and glad that you are, too.

[KUREHA]

Im sorry - this must be so hard for you
I'd be upset if anything happened to my psychologist.

I'm sorry
Take Care

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by Simcha

We must have been posting at the same time;
I've corrected that.

I sucked at quoting you from before..hehe.

OMG! What happened to him? You don't have to say, but OMG, this must hurt like hell. I always feared this would happen to my T's, but for it to actually happen, kinda makes me feel kinda scared that it really can happen because it happened to you. Sorry for that messed up sentence.

I like what one poster said basicaly that your T knew how you were at the time, you were becoming independent,etc. But your needs have changed because grieving someone like your T who you knew for such a long time, well you might need some extra help. I think most of us would too. You can still honor the work you did with him, but if you don't seek help when you need it now, what do you think he would tell you or say to you if he was still alive?
Gosh, I feel so bad you had to go through such a painful experience. ((((((Peg)))))

[pegasus]

Well, I had been seeing him once a week for 6 years. One day in August last year I turned up to see him and he wasn't there. I later found out that he was off sick. Each week I rang to find out how he was. At one point I was told he was doing well and would definitely be coming back. So I hung on in hope. Then someone rang me to say that he was now on long term sick but wouldn't give me anymore details than that. I begged for information but they said that it was confidential. I felt hurt I had a relationship with this man.

In November last year I decided to ring him at home. This is a big no no but I needed to know what was happening. After many tries at ringing and putting the phone down I eventually got to speak to him. That is when he told me that he was dying and didn't know how much longer he had left. I didn't really believe him at the time and thought maybe he was depressed! I spoke to him for the last time and was able to thank him and say goodbye. We both sobbed. It was so painful but I'm so glad we spoke.

Then in March this year I found out he had died. I miss him so much.

[notz]

sobbing with you...

Oh Peg, this is so heartbreaking, and the way it was kept from you on what was happening during it and showing up for your appointment and not having him there. I truly can't think of anything more difficult in life, maybe a loss of a child, or something like that. I have a feeling that you helped him too in that moment that he told you. They don't stop caring about you when they are sick, and I am sure he was worried about you too even in his darkest time.

I remember showing up for an appointment once with my first T and he wasn't there and everything was dark inside his office area, and it was unnerving. I remember we talked about what would happen if something did happen to him. My questions helped convince him that he needed to have a professional plan if something did ever happen. Then with my 2nd T , he did end up in the hospital twice in a month and became very ill with a rare virus. I was so worried and sick about it for weeks. I needed him and even though he didn't mean to, he abandoned me during a hard time in therapy. Then I had to terminate with him, not because he died, but because he couldn't be effective as my T because he forgot so much I have ever told him.

My T that I have now tells me that both of my T's have abandoned me, maybe not intentionally but it is a pattern in my life of people who meant a lot to me, I loss them. Do you think part of you doesn't want to get that close to a T again because of what happened to you? I know my T struggles with my push and pull because of it. I get the honor part too, even though my old man T didn't actually die, he did in a way for me because he couldn't be my T and I had to terminate. I felt guilty for looking for another T, felt like it would diminish the work we did together. But in a way it actually honored him in a way more because I moved on and continued with the work we started. Being strong and getting the help I needed, honors that work I did with him because he got me to that strong point. But no matter how strong you may be, there are times in your life where you might need some extra help with dealing with something. Pat, I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I really think it would beneficial to find someone, even if to work with your grief of your T, especially with your anniversary coming up. (you are already mentioning this) Losing a T is like losing a good parent, getting help won't mean that he didn't do a good enough job with you in therapy, it just means you need some help grieving such a huge loss.

Pat, I hope my words are okay with you, I am speaking from the heart and certainly don't want to hurt you more than you are already hurting.

[laura2]

(((((((((((((pegasus)))))))))))))

sweetheart, i was so touched by your post,

you phoned & thanked him & said goodbye, that is so brave, but so heartbreaking, i'm struggling to find the words... you are an example to us all

what your going through certainly put's things into perspective, sounds like he was a brave man

maybe now is not the right time, but please don't completely rule out another T

he was such a big part of your life, it really might help

my goes out to you....

[peaches100]

Pegasus,

Your story really touched my heart, and I feel your sadness. I am so glad you were able to talk to your t one more time. I hope that you will always be able to hang onto the important, special times you had with your t. Please do consider some short-term work to deal with your grief.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((pegasus)))))))))))))))))))))))))