[peaches100]

Recently our congregation discussed the Bible's viewpoint on resolving conflicts with our spiritual brothers and sisters. It urges "as far as it depends on you, be peaceable with all people." It also says if we know somebody has something against us, we should approach that person in a spirit of love and try to resolve the conflict. It was emphasized that in a disagreement, it is more important to restore peace and unity than to be "right." There is even a scripture that refers to a time in the 1st century when Christians were taking one another to court over disputes -- it says that we should "let ourselves be wronged."

Well. . .some of you might remember me posting awhile back about a close friend of mine who had helped me during my clinical depression and who i'd become very attached to. . . and the awful sequence of events that led to her cutting off all contact with me. It has beeen 6 years since it happened, and i still feel pain when i think about everything that went wrong and how badly the friendship ended. So, in an effort to apply the Bible counsel to try and restore peace with my former friend, and as a way to try to get some closure for myself, i wrote her a letter.

It was very hard for me to write. A part of me wanted to justify my actions, tell her how she'd been wrong and accused me of things i didn't do, and let her know how much she hurt me. The little girl part of me wanted to beg her to be my friend again and love me like she used to. But i knew i needed to write it in an adult way. My intention wasn't to try to renew the friendship, but to recognize humbly the part i'd played in the problems we'd had, and to let her know that i hope we can set aside any hard feelings and feel peace about what happened. Here is what i wrote:

Dear E,

At a recent Bible study, when we discussed Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount and the application of Matthew 5:23, 24, I couldn’t help but think about the conflict we had several years ago when our contact ended. Even though it happened a long time ago, I’ve continued to feel very sad about the way our friendship ended. There were some significant misunderstandings that took place, and because we could not sit down together and discuss it calmly, I have never felt any closure about it.

I know that God expects us to resolve our conflicts in a spirit of love. He wants us to forgive one another and have a restored sense of peace between us. I think about this every time I consider the words of Matthew 5:23, 24. But because our relationship ended badly, I don’t feel like I have peace about it. I’m writing this letter in the hope that we can put aside our differences, and let go of any hard feelings that we may still have about each other.

E, thank you for helping me when I was clinically depressed and having other difficulties. I know it was a significant sacrifice of your time and energy. You were there for me at a very difficult time in my life, and I know you had my well-being in mind. It must have been frustrating for you to put that much effort into assisting me, and then see me make decisions that you felt were harmful. Under the circumstances, you may have felt like you had to be responsible for my well-being. I apologize for this. I know now that it wasn’t reasonable for me to expect so much from you. It must have felt like a pretty big burden at times. I’m grateful for what you did, and I’m sorry if you felt like I didn’t appreciate your efforts.

I want you to know that our relationship meant a great deal to me. I hope that some day, any anger or pain that exists between us will fade away. I love you, E, and I’ll always have a special place in my heart for you.

Love,
T

I mailed it recently. I had a feeling in my heart that she wouldn't respond to it, and i tried to prepare myself for that. But i find that i'm disappointed and sad that she didn't at least acknowledge receiving it. i didn't ask her to contact me, and there's not really a need for her to. But i'd hoped she'd let me know she got the letter and reassure me that she was no longer upset with me and that we could put things behind us. It's just another situation of "not knowing" that i find so hard to accept.

I feel good that i sent the letter, and i have a clean conscience now that i've really tried to do my part to settle things. But i can't help feeling really sad that she didn't respond in any way.

What i am wondering is. . .if any of you have had a situation similar to this. . .where things never got resolved. . .what did you do to find your own closure with what happened and go on with your life?

[rainbow8]

(((Peaches)))

Your letter is beautiful. Maybe she will respond or maybe not. She could be thinking about what to say. You should be very proud of yourself for mailing it! You did your part but you can't make her do hers. You did what the Bible tells you to do, so doesn't that give you comfort and some closure no matter whether she replies or doesn't?

Do you think writing a letter to your parents is an option (I suggested that in your other thread) or would that make you too vulnerable?

[Brightheart]

Oh gosh...I had a very awful thing happen with the closest friend I ever had in my life. I can't get into details, but basically her H wouldn't let us be friends any longer. I had been trying to help her with a major life issue and I was abruptly cut off by him. Anyhow, I was never given the opportunity to properly say good-bye. Very very painful. This was how I ended up in therapy. It's so hard when you can't get closure...

I would have to say that my thinking is very much in line with this viewpoint of letting grudges go. Writing the letter as you did could help with processing it all. You were willing to let the past go. I think that sending it was very courageous of you. You did your part, but her response to your words is beyond your control. It could be that she isn't ready just yet. Maybe you will hear from her when she is. But, if not, you made the effort and did all that you could to make peace with her. It is a very beautiful letter.

[lynn P.]

Hi Peaches100,
I think this is a beautiful letter that you sent your friend. I hope that she did actually receive it - sometimes mail gets mixed up. Anyway you could call just to make sure she got it? If she did get and chose not to reply, then I know that must be disappointing, but you can still feel peaceful even though you didn't feel acknowledged.
Many years ago (25) my brother was diagnosed with manic depression and became estranged from the family. He was also just coming to terms with his homosexually and so were we. Before all this happened we were like 2 peas in a pod. I wanted him to know that it was okay, that I accepted him being gay and loved him unconditionally. He was such a different person because of the manic depression, but I assured him that I accepted him no matter what. So I wrote him a beautiful letter and put it in a card. Unfortunately he never responded and remained distant until he passed 7 yrs ago. I remember mourning who my brother was before and I had to accept that my attempt to reach out failed. But I felt peace in my heart knowing that I tried to do the right thing.
Maybe your friend will respond and she's just procrastinating. If she doesn't then you know you did the right thing and you don't really need validation from her even though it would be nice. Your letter wasn't only to soothe your friend but writing it also soothed your soul as well. You did the right thing.

[deliquesce]

that's a really lovely letter. i admire you for the way in which you wrote that - i've read about how painful the relationship ending was before, and how much wrong was done at that time.

i am a bit ashamed to admit that i have been the recipient of one of these letters. nothing quite as beautiful as yours - more a "hi deli. i have been thinking of you and hoping things are well. please let me know how you are going, etc". and i didn't respond. it makes me feel guilty when i think about it, but i can't open myself up to that person again, even though our relationship was the best thing i've experienced when it was going well. too much pain. but then, i was also the one who got 'dumped'. so maybe it is different.

as for how to let go... i was thinking about this earlier today. i want to write a letter to my old-T (the bastard) at least thanking him for the good he initially did, and also mourning the fact that our termination was so abrupt. but i'm also still so angry at him for what happened, that i don't think i could do it without also wanting to enter into dialogue about it and rehash the whole ick scenario again. i dont have any wisdom in this regard, i'm afraid. i just hope that when i do write that email, that i'll be in a place of peace, so that i can let things go and just be content knowing i've expressed myself.

(((((((((((((((((((((((peaches))))))))))))))))))))

I had an extremely close friendship end many many years ago. It was very painful - she just dropped me, and that was that. It still hurts when I think about it.

I used to dream about her regularly - that I would run into her walking down the street, or on the subway, or something. In reality, she changed her name and moved (not because of me! lol) and it made it impossible to find her, if she even wanted to be found, which she clearly didn't.

I tried sending a letter to her parents' home, hoping they would get it to her. It was similar in tone to your letter. We were friends during what was probably the most difficult time in my life, and I know it wasn't easy for her. I never, ever heard back.

I've talked about it a bit in T, and I thought it was "over" - but my high school recently had a reunion and although I didn't go, I looked at the reunion pics online, AND SHE WAS THERE. I was shocked to see her, and it brought back a lot of old feelings. Even now, I kind of tear up when I think about it. I live 12 hours away from where I went to high school, so going wasn't realistic for me, but I would have so loved to have seen her and tried to mend fences. I literally thought she was gone forever, and I would never see her again.

Now I know her new name, and what city she lives in, and what her career is (our friendship ended in college). My heart aches for how our friendship ended when I think about it, but it doesn't come up for me very often anymore at ALL. Maybe once a year or something? And the recurring dreams about her have stopped.

So, I think I've been where you're at, at least a bit. I don't know if the hurt ever totally goes away...but it does get less, and I really don't think about her much at all anymore.

(((((((((((((((((((((peaches))))))))))))))))))) I do hope you get a response.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

(((Peaches)))

Your letter is beautiful. Maybe she will respond or maybe not. She could be thinking about what to say. You should be very proud of yourself for mailing it! You did your part but you can't make her do hers. You did what the Bible tells you to do, so doesn't that give you comfort and some closure no matter whether she replies or doesn't?

Do you think writing a letter to your parents is an option (I suggested that in your other thread) or would that make you too vulnerable?

Hi Rainbow,

Yes, I do feel somewhat relieved by having sent the letter. At least i know that i've tried my best to own my part of the problem and to seek some kind of restored peace with E. I'm trying not to feel bad that she didn't reply. I pretty much knew in my heart she wouldn't. But it's still hard not to have any acknowledgement.

No, I wouldn't feel comfortable writing a letter like that to my parents. I've talked to them a little bit in the past about my pain about my childhood, and they do not want to discuss it or acknowledge it. So i think it's better that i just not bring up the subject anymore at all. I'll just have to resolve my childhood issues myself. There's really not a current problem to resolve. We get along well enough in the here and now. So there's not a situation where we've argued and need to restore peace or anything.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Bether91068

Oh gosh...I had a very awful thing happen with the closest friend I ever had in my life. I can't get into details, but basically her H wouldn't let us be friends any longer. I had been trying to help her with a major life issue and I was abruptly cut off by him. Anyhow, I was never given the opportunity to properly say good-bye. Very very painful. This was how I ended up in therapy. It's so hard when you can't get closure...

I would have to say that my thinking is very much in line with this viewpoint of letting grudges go. Writing the letter as you did could help with processing it all. You were willing to let the past go. I think that sending it was very courageous of you. You did your part, but her response to your words is beyond your control. It could be that she isn't ready just yet. Maybe you will hear from her when she is. But, if not, you made the effort and did all that you could to make peace with her. It is a very beautiful letter.

Hi Bether,

I'm so sorry to hear about your bad experience with your friend! My situation was somewhat the opposite of yours. My friend was helping me with life issues, and she cut me off because of my husband. There really are no words to describe how painful it was. i can hear in your post that you felt a great deal of pain also. It's just so sad when things happen like this.

Yes, maybe someday i will hear something. i really don't know. i tend to think not, but who knows? Since we're of the same religion, we have 2 or 3 shared religious meetings per year. They are quite large gatherings (hundreds of people), but there is the chance that we'll see each other at some point. I'd be afraid to approach her, after having sent the letter and not heard back. I'd be afraid of rejection. But perhaps one day she will come up to me and say hello. We'll see.

In the meantime, I just have to work on moving on. I've been in pain about this for several years now, and it just is too damaging for me to hold onto this hurting any longer.

[peaches100]

I just wanted to give an update --

About a month after mailing my letter to my friend, I got this response on Saturday. . .

Dear T,

I was so glad to see in your letter that you referred to your clinical depression in the past tense -- that is wonderful -- I knew you could do it. I’m sorry I am not in a position to comment on any other parts of your letter. Perhaps next winter.

I love you too, E

I feel a little bit confused by this. I can't figure out why she would defer her comments/reactions to my letter until next winter (when it has already been 6 years since the incident that ended our friendship). Does it sound like it's just a way of her saying she doesn't want to talk about it with me? Or that she doesn't have time to concern herself with it? In a way, i feel dismissed. But the fact that she used such beautiful paper to write it on, and said she loved me, makes me wonder if she does still care about me and is considering wanting to talk later and repair things. I guess I can't tell if her letter was just a formality to acknowledge that she'd gotten my letter, or if it means more.

How does her reply strike you?

[pachyderm]

Maybe she has stuff going on with her, that does not leave her "in a position to comment..." but you can't tell for sure.

i'm so glad you got a reply even if brief. i do think it sounds like she cares quite a bit but is going thru something herself where she isn't up to getting into things further right now.

[peaches100]

I emailed my t and told her i'd gotten a letter from my former friend, and told her what it said. I also told her that i was puzzled by my friend's decision not to comment on my letter, and her reference to "perhaps next winter." My t responded, "It is important just to notice the acknowledgement, which is what you thought you wouldn’t get at all, and that she was rooting for your well-being."

The thing is, I AM glad i got a response. I'm also glad that she said she loves me still. But what's bothering me is not knowing why she wouldn't comment on my letter. . .and the uncertainty in her reply. . ."perhaps this winter."

Before i wrote my friend the letter, i had finally gotten to the point where i felt like the friendship with her had not been healthy for me. it had caused me so much gut-wrenching pain and loss when she called it quits. and she had not given me a chance to even explain the misunderstanding, and had not returned my writings.

So my goal in writing her the letter just to get some closure. . .to apologize for the part i'd played in the friendship going downhill. . .and to create a sort of rest-in-peace for the friendship's end. . .where we could both let go and know there were no hurt feelings.

But now that she was so evasive, and said "perhaps" she would respond later, and that she still loves me. . .i feel like she has created a spark of hope in me that the friendship can be restored. i'm afraid now i will not be able to put closure to it and walk away. there will always be a part of me that is waiting for that day to come. . .where she will respond to my letter and we can talk things over and maybe be friends again. And if that day never comes, there will never be any closure. . .

truth be told, even though she hurt me so badly and the friendship was probably a dysfunctional one, there are parts of me that don't want to let go and put closure to it, as long as there's that small spark of hope that the relationship can be restored.

i really need to talk to my t about this on Wednesday.

[peaches100]

I know my friend, in her own way, cared about me. But the result was that i ended up terribly misunderstood, rejected, and abandoned. I can't understand why it is so hard for me to let her go. It seems that i should have some anger about what she did, and that i should be able to put closure to it and let this rest. But despite how much i've suffered from the things my former friend did, a part of me still clings to that hope for a relationship with her again. i can't understand why i would love and miss having her in my life when she cut me off in such an abrupt, mean way. it kind of scares me, in that it feels a little bit like a woman who is abused but who is compelled to return to her abuser.

Originally Posted by peaches100

But despite how much i've suffered from the things my former friend did, a part of me still clings to that hope for a relationship with her again. i can't understand why i would love and miss having her in my life when she cut me off in such an abrupt, mean way. it kind of scares me, in that it feels a little bit like a woman who is abused but who is compelled to return to her abuser.

(((((((((((((((((((Peaches))))))))))))))))))

I don't know, I feel like her reply was almost stringing you along..

I hope you will find a way to put closure on this relationship. The way she treated you (keeping your letters, etc) is NOT acceptable, and not how a real friend acts. You absolutely, positively, 100% for sure deserve better than that.

I know how much it hurts when a relationship ends abruptly, and how hard it is to let it go...I have been there. But think how much more fulfilling it could be to put your time and emotional energy into real, current relationships where you are treated with care and love like you deserve??

to you, sweet Peaches

[peaches100]

Thanks for the replies everybody. It's hard for me to see things clearly because the relationship i had with her became so enmeshed and i was, and still am, so attached to her. I do feel such relief that she responded and said she still loves me. i "want" that to be "enough" to lay things to rest and know there's peace between us. But there's that part of me that hopes for a happy reunion of sorts. . .and that wants to believe her caring for me is genuine and that things would be different next time. . . that she wouldn't reject and abandon me again. i know i'd be so quick to forgive her and trust her all over again. . . and that's what kind of scares me. there really isn't any proof at all that the same thing wouldn't happen again. . .that one day, she'd fly off the handle, break off the friendship in a rage, and never speak another word to me again. but i still want to have her in my life. it just doesn't make much sense to me.

i'm drawn to people who are aloof and critical, and who initially are drawn to me, but who become controlling and eventually rejecting. I want acceptance and nurturing from people like that. then i seem to wait for any small crumb of affection to be tossed my way, like a dog at the dinner table. I am not drawn to people who are openly accepting and supportive. i have to try to earn it.

I've got to figure out why i do this. i'm afraid it's something self-destructive. . .not feeling worthy . . .needing to be hurt somehow. . .

[peaches100]

If we became friends again, i want to believe it would be "different" this time. . .