[peaches100]

I had my therapy session yesterday and wanted to share what happened.

I'd had a very bad week where several things in my life triggered my old chilhood feelings of being unimportant, worthless, invisible, and uncared about. I was holding it together, but feeling really awful. So I called my therapist (R.) yesterday (a day before my regularly scheduled session) and asked her to call me if she had a cancellation sooner. She did, so I went in yesterday at 11 AM.

I started out the session by telling R. all 4 of the things that had happened over the last week that triggered me into feeling like a nothing. I could feel all of the emotions pressing at me, and they were so strong. I knew they were "child" feelings. Normally, I have so many defenses up that I am not able to let my pain out. I don't want to look weak or needy or childish. But R. has been working with me to stop being so critical of that hurting child part of me, and just let what needs to come out, come out. She actually directed a question to that critical side of me, would it be willing to step aside temporarily to allow the hurting child parts of me to have expression? Did it trust her to handle things? And I told her "Yes."

She asked me where I wanted her to sit, and I pointed to a chair near me. Then she asked me to tell her what was bothering me. For a few minutes, I was actually able to set aside the "strong, in control, don't need anything" fascade, as well as the critical part of me that hates my neediness and prevents me from letting my feelings out. Without those defenses, the pain came bursting through. I talked about the things that had happened to trigger me this week, and the pain it generated. And as I did so, I cried . . .and cried. . .and cried. I cried through 6 kleenexes. I cried so hard I couldn't catch my breath. I remember R. going to get me a paper cup full of water, and asking me to take little sips at a time, and to feel the sensation of the water going down my throat. Drinking the water kind of refocused me onto the present moment and and I was able to calm down and stop crying.

R. told me that all the things that triggered me are related -- all of them relate to my feelings of being unimportant and unloved as a child. When things happen in the present that feel like somebody is ignoring me or blowing off my feelings, all those old feelings of being not important or worth acknowledging come up inside me again. R. told me that I have a good reason to feel the way that I do. She was very kind. She handed me a new kleenex whenever I needed one. she told me that if the hurting little girl inside me had been one of her children, she would put that little girl on her lap and tell her how important her feelings are, and what gifts she has to contribute in this world. R. also told me that if I allowed it, "what I would like to be doing right now is wiping away your tears." I think I chuckled a bit and said "That's really nice," but it meant more to me than I let on. It really touched my heart.

Then R. talked me to about how important it is for me to recognize when those feelings are building up inside me and to acknowledge them rather than stuff them down. She talked about how the more you ignore a child, the louder it will scream. And if you ignore children long enough, they will eventually act out in extreme ways. The point being. . .when that old childhood pain gets retriggered by things that happen to me in the present, let myself feel them and talk about them. Don't ignore, deny, or push them away. That is SOOOOOOO hard for me! I have discovered that there is a part of me that is just like my mom, in that I try to be strong and deny any negative feelings or needs. And there is a part of me like my dad, the criticizes and shames me when I do cry or show needs. This makes it almost impossible for me to notice when I am pushing away strong feelings that need to be expressed. And when I do express them, it makes me feel ashamed and want to "take them back" or apologize for having been weak.

Like right now, I have to fight the urge to email R. and tell her I'm sorry that I got so upset, and that I'm worried I acted childish and feel ashamed, like I've done something wrong. I'm embarrassed about "losing control" and want to push down even harder on myself to prevent it from happening again. But R. says I need to do the opposite -- let those feelings come out.

I was so exhausted and totally spent after letting out all those emotions i'd been holding in that i couldn't go back to work after my session. i had to go home and lay down. but i felt at peace. everything was quiet inside.

Just wanted to share . . .

[peaches100]

Sorry the text came out so small. i can't figure out how to make it bigger now!

[sittingatwatersedge]

dear peaches

[rainbow8]

((((((Peaches))))))

I am SO proud of you!!!! You don't have to be ashamed of anything about that session. It was wonderful!!

[Amazonmom]

Wow, you got a lot done during that session!

You were very brave.

((((((((((((((((((((((peaches))))))))))))))))))))))))

WOW. All of the hard work you are doing outside of session is paying off. You were able to let yourself feel your feelings and be comforted. That is so huge and so good.

Lots of gentle to you.

[laura2]

(((((((( peaches)))))))))

may not feel like it at the moment, but that's great work!, how brave where you!

R sounds awesome, sounds like she really understands you, you are lucky to have each other

good for you for managing to fight the urge to email, you have nothing to feel sorry about, i think R will totally understand, she gets you!

that's progress, good progress

Peaches, I teared up as I read your post, as I'm going through something similar right now. Thanks for posting that! You are very brave to let those feelings through in therapy, and your T sounds awesome. I'm glad you went home and not back to work, and took care of yourself!

[mixedup_emotions]

WOW. I am in AWE.....That's amazing that you were able to do that! It is exactly what I need to do, but I don't know how! All I feel is that ball of fire in the pit of my stomach. I don't know how to relinquish it....I hope I have your experience someday. ((( HUGS )))

Hi Peaches,

How are you feeling now? It is okay to show emotions, especially in therapy, you did some very good work. I bet your T is very proud of you.

[Sannah]

What a great session Peaches. Good Work! Keep working.............