therapy is seeming pointless

I'm wondering--what is the point of going to therapy now? So I can cry? Grieve? Unload sad feelings and not keep them inside where they will lie dormant and then cause problems years later? Do I need a therapist for all this?

During my long divorce process, I didn't get vindictive or angry much or seek retribution--I'm not an angry sort of person. But sometimes I would seek out one of my sisters, a woman to whom anger is like her native language. And I would tell her things about the D, and she would get very angry and vitriolic and call my H names, etc. And I kind of liked it. I realized I would visit with her when I needed to be angry and she would do it for me, and I would feel satisfied. I could only take her in small doses, though, and only sought her out when I really needed that response. I am wondering if T is filling a similar role, but with sadness.

I don't feel I am grieving much now about the D. Things are going well with my XH and our post-D family. AT our last session, I enjoyed passing on to T some of the details of how well we are getting along. He is thrilled, of course, and said that without all we had gone through with our D, we probably would not be getting along so well, and it looked like we were going to be friends. Then he asked if I thought that two people could go through this process, a true process of uncoupling and resolution of past wrongs, as he felt I and my XH had done, and then get back together again? What!!? I hope he is not suggesting that my XH and I get back together. I just think that is a weird comment. I do not want to marry my XH again.

I also brought up a brand new topic, which I warned T was not so good, and he seemed so eager to hear this. He leaned forward in his chair, legs slightly apart, looking at me expectantly. He just looked so open to whatever I might say, so ready to help. I realized he hasn't looked that way at me in a long time, and I thought he is just as bored with the D topic as I am. So I told him how I had recently learned my father is planning to end his life, and how upsetting this is to me. I cried--I am very sad he will be dying soon, and I don't want to see him hasten his end. I'd rather he just died independently of his own actions. It just makes me very sad. I don't want my dad to die. I also want to talk to him and tell him how much I will miss him, but in my ultra secretive, repressed, conflict-avoidant family, although I have been told this about him, I am not supposed to know, so cannot talk to him about this. That's very hard for me. I don't know what to do. Should I honor that? Or talk to him anyway? T said I mustn't leave anything unsaid that I want to say. He said, rather forcefully, "you don't have much time! He could be gone in 6 months, or 3 months, or even in 2 weeks. You don't have much time!" And when he said my dad could be gone in 2 weeks, I just burst out crying. He said he was sorry for that, but he wanted to make sure I didn't let this opportunity slip by. I cried quite a bit at this session and told T I couldn't handle this whole thing with my dad, that if I went to talk to him, I would just start crying and not be able to do it. I wanted to know how I could get through this. He said I could come to see him to process my grief. I was not happy about that, and this is what I mean above about T being this guy I go to for sadness, just like I go to my sister for anger. Is that all that therapy is? Going to T's office and crying? I'm so tired of crying and feeling sad and grieving. I'm exhausted with it and don't want to do it anymore. I just want my father to be healthy and not die. I want to be able to go talk to him and handle it and not break down crying. And not have to worry about keeping dysfunctional family confidences. I want to be able to have some good conversations and I don't know how to do that. T's favorite kind of therapy is reconciliation of adult children with their parents, so this is right in his sweet spot. No wonder he is so eager. I just don't want to deal with this. If all I'm going to do at T's office is be sad, I want out.

I talked to another sister later and asked her what she thought of me letting my father know I knew what he was planning, and she said absolutely no I could not do that. But I think T wants me to do that. Because soon he will be gone. My sister told me this odd story of about 10 years ago, when my father was first hospitalized and the doctors told us he had suffered this vascular incident that was fatal and he would die within a couple of days. I remember being very strong and being the one in the family to interface with the doctors, since I am not intimidated by them and can ask the right questions. But I was totally stressed out by my father's illness and having to have the role of the super-competent, rational advocate. It turned out my father was misdiagnosed and did not have this thing that would kill him in two days, but it still took him a while to recover in the hospital. My sister told me this awful thing I had shared with her about my father back then. How I had sat with him many times in his hospital room. One time I was there and he was in too much pain and they wouldn't give him drugs, and he was crying and begging me to help him. And my sister said I was so upset that my father was crying and I could do nothing. She said I called her up and told her this and was sobbing--me, the strong one. I have no memory of any of this. Not a glimmer. It's as if she made up some story about someone else. I do not remember my father crying or being in pain or begging me for relief or even being in his hospital room. Surely I would remember some of this?

T told me I had earned my stripes on the D and I could do this. I felt very drained by the session. T did not offer me a hug on the way out.

Offer of ((((((((((sunrise)))))))))).

(((Sunrise)))

I'm sorry that things are so difficult right now. What an awkward position to be put into...I can only imagine all of the conflicting feelings you are likely experiencing. I'm also very sorry to hear about your father.

My mom had breast cancer and passed away while I was halfway across the country back in 1992. She was an unbelievable woman. She was a stay at home mother who cared for 4 children, including a severely autistic son. I can't ever recall telling her that I loved her. I'm sure I must have said it as a kid, but never once as an adult. I never told her that I appreciated her, respected her, admired her...I never told her anything. I've been regretting that for the past 17 years. It's probably why now I feel the need to express appreciation and love to others so very much. I know that story probably didn't do a whole lot to cheer you up... I would strongly recommend not leaving anything left unsaid, even if you are crying while doing so...

Again, I apologize if I'm not being very helpful with this.

As far as therapy itself goes, I think with me toward the end, I found there was little to discuss and often periods of silence between T and myself. Has any of that been happening with you? Maybe working through your sadness with him can eventually lead to brighter and more positive feelings. Possibly?

((((((((((((((((((((((((Sunny))))))))))))))))))))))))

If you have things you need to say to your dad, can you say them to him, without revealing that you know his secret?? Even write him a letter? I know that with my kids, sometimes I just feel like I want to tell them how much I love and like them and all of the things I appreciate about them and I just do it. Maybe a letter would take the crying out of the equation, if that's something that's too uncomfortable or hard for you...

As for T...could you tell him what you said here? That you want to do more than to go to his office to be sad? Just let him know how you are feeling, and see where it leads. For me, those kinds of feelings are sometimes the beginning of an insight, or a new trail to follow in therapy.

((((((((((((Sunny)))))))))) What you are dealing with sounds really hard.

Thanks, Bether. That's pretty much what my T said. I'm going to try and go to see my father tomorrow.

No, not yet. There is something I'd like to discuss with T, and I've brought it up here and there, just touched on it, and he seems evasive when I mention it. He has said things like, "let's talk about that sometime," or "I want you to keep thinking about that," but we don't talk about it. I feel he doesn't want to and says those things to escape the conversation. I fear he doesn't want to talk about it because he thinks what he has to say will hurt me and he doesn't want that. He's protecting me. Well--that's a different topic, but no, we have not run out of things to say yet.

Thank you, tree. That is a good idea. I've arranged to go visit him and my mom tomorrow, so I think I will try to have a more meaningful conversation with him than usual. I'm not sure I will say all the big things, but I will make a start. I remembered my T said I needed to offer my mom a lot of support at this time also. She is the one who my father has told about his desire/plan to end his life, and it is a big burden to bear all by herself. She is the one who is with him all the time, I can imagine it is very hard for her. So I will spend some time with her too, and maybe try to get her out of the house with me for a bit. She needs a break.

I think that is a good idea. Thank you. I kind of feel like I just have to face facts--that this is a hard time right now and I am gonna be sad. But I am tired of being sad with T. But that is what he is there for, I guess. Maybe if I am sad with him and let that out, I can hold it together better when I am with my father. I am feeling like now that my divorce is over, I just wanted to coast for a while and not deal with difficult situations and emotions. That probably sounds lazy and heartless. Maybe I thought after the D I could just go back to being my usual avoidant self. No such luck.

((((Sunrise))))

It sounds as if you are ready to move on - having completed the D - and now this news is bringing you into a most painful place before you have had time to take a breath. I am so sorry about your father.

Maybe that's why therapy feels so extraneous right now--because you can't do or talk about what you want--but it's not really the therapy that is preventing you from doing this. I always say that life intrudes.

It is the most painful thing when our parents are sick and we can't do anything about it. I like tree's idea of talking to him without revealing that you know what his plans are.

Wishing you peace and love.

Dealing with the end of life issue really sucks. I wasn't there when either of my parents passes. However, both seemed to have their own way of preparing themselves. My mother and I never talked a lot during my last few visits to the hospital.I beat myself up a lot for not telling her things, still do sometimes. Now I kind of think a lot more was communicated during our silence than I realized then. I know at the end, although she had fought bravely, she was ready to lead the confines of her physical form.

My father, he was not afraid of what might happen after death. He seemed more afraid of the process of dying. Both my parents had spent a lot of time in hospitals as children. I think my fathers childhood experience were much more traumatic. He feared hospitals and did no want to slowly die in one. He would express elaborate dreams about how he was going to die, proud...ride into the sunset on his big white horse. Although he did not directly take his own life, he eventualy willed his body to comply with his wishes. He got his wish. He died quickly outside his home with no one fussing over him or trying to bring him back.

Maybe your dad is not really intending to take his life. Maybe he is just trying to let you and the family know he's ready to when called. I think sometimes we need to be still and listen really try to understand what people are saying. Maybe he is reaching out for help. Maybe he is wanting to know you will be OK if he chooses to go. Maybe he is attempting to get your attention or to draw you close enough to hear something he wants you to know.I'm not sure how old your dad is, but my parents generation seems to have witnessed a lot in their short time on this planet. I think collectively, they have a lot they want to tell us before they move on.

My father has not reached out to me or talked to me or my brothers or sisters about this topic. I'm not allowed to initiate this topic with him. He doesn't know I know of his desire to end things. It's really hard. I wish he would reach out. I wish he would try to get my attention or draw me near. I would like any of those things... I would try to be a good listener if he would share.

Today I went to visit him and just tried to enjoy talking with him about whatever. I baked him somes cookies that he really liked. We watched part of a baseball game on TV together, and he explained various baseball statistics to me. He really seems like he is doing pretty well to me. I hope he was just feeling depressed before and that his outlook and desire to live longer have improved with his mood. The doctor had prescribed an anti-D, but he only took it 2 days. I will try to visit him more often. Maybe he will share more if he wants to. I will try to listen "between the lines" for something important that he may be trying to indirectly communicate to me.

Yes, that's it--therapy feels extraneous right now. And the thing with my father is so painful that I don't want to go to therapy and share that with T. I guess going through it on my own is painful enough for me. Talking about it in therapy just makes it worse. I have an appointment with T tomorrow, but I'm not sure I'll schedule anymore for a while after that.

Sunrise,
Your visit with your dad sounds like you were really trying to use all of you communication skills to connect with him. Do you think your dad is just struggling with accepting the physical limitations that go with aging? What I remember most about my father's final year was his fear and his loneliness. I also remember my father has being very difficult to talk with on a deep level. (Hah, imagine that...two emotionally disconnected people trying to have a conversation about death and dying) Although he lasted almost 4 yrs after my mother died, he was just lost without her. I know you mention your relationship with your mom once in a while. Are they still together?

Sunrise, I think you are doing great. I'm sure the fact that you are trying to visit him and talk with him more will mean a lot to him. Even if he refuses to let you see it.

Now that you have made it through the D and have worked all this time in therapy to learn how to acknowledge and experience your emotions, are you afraid that your going to be overwhelmed by everything? These questions are just surfacing in my head. Dont feel like you really have to answer them Do you think talking about what your experiencing is going to make handling it all harder? Is there a benefit to expressing stuff has it happens? Or is holding stuff for a while then letting it ooze out in small bits after the fact a better option? I think I've figured out that containing and supressing stuff for 20 yrs is not a good option, but what about, holding stuff for a little while, just to avoid a major crash...IDK, maybe holding it inside wpuld cause a crash... Sorry my head is filling with..questioning how I might respond if in your shoes.

IDK, I'm feeling sadness just thinking about what you must be going through. Talking in therapy has been REALLY hard, I'm just wondering if I was faced with a major problem today, would I choose to express stuff immediately and get the feelings out as they were unfolding, Or if I would choose to retreat until it was all over and then deal with it all afterwards. My typical pattern would me to withdraw, but that is what has lead to trouble in the past...

I guess I have no useful insight to provide because honestly I don't know how I would choose to react.

Many hugs sunrise... You plan to schedule more visits with your dad sounds like a good plan, maybe the way will clear from there.

((((((((((sunny))))))))))

i'm so sorry about your dad. losing a parent is never an easy process. your visit with your dad sounds like it was great. you sound very supportive and i'm sure he really enjoyed your visit.

you said you're "not allowed" to talk about this but really you can. i'm sure your mom or whoever will probably be upset if you do, but you don't have to let the family dysfunction control you. it's okay to make your own decision.

chaotic, my father is on dialysis, 3 times a week, and he can discontinue when he chooses, and then will die within a few days-weeks. I think he is just getting weary of the whole thing, and last month he had some set-backs in several ways, and I think it all really got him down, so he started making hospice arrangements, without a word of this to my mother (they have been married over 50 years), which was very hurtful and upsetting to her. If nothing else, I hope my dad chooses to stay longer for my mom's sake. She is not ready for him to go, especially when he is relatively functional compared to a lot of the people they see at dialysis. I did have a chance to go out to lunch with my mom today with another sister too, and I think this was good for her. My dad seems really "together" to me for a person his age, very mentally "there" and is still able to get up and walk around the house unassisted, do the activities of daily living, but is not well enough to do much else (work in the yard, go for walks, etc.). He is not bedridden, and passes time reading and watching TV and he does a lot of sleeping too. He eats regular food, although not much, and enjoys watching cooking shows, and sometimes cooks recipes he's learned from TV in the kitchen. He was still driving places up until he had his recent setbacks.

I would like a chance for our conversation to go deeper, but am not sure how to do that. A start at least is spending more time with him, and talking baseball.

Because of therapy I now have a desire to be more open and express emotions, but unfortunately, the rest of my family did not go to therapy! They still want to keep everything inside and not be totally avoidant and pretend the elephant is not in the room. I know this way of life well. I also have a major phobia about crying in front of other people and letting them know I am sad or upset. I have developed a relationship with T such that it is OK to cry with him (kind of a miracle). I do not feel this way with my family and so am afraid I will just cry with my dad when I don't really want to. I feel my emotions have loosened themselves up due to therapy and are nearer the surface, but yet I don't want them to just flood out with my family, I want to maintain equanimity. This tug of war feels awful to me, and exhausting.

I feel kind of incapable of maintaining that iron fist on my feelings I did for so many years. I have forgotten how. I just don't have that control anymore.

Thanks for all your thoughts and insights, chaotic.

I can appreciate that. My neighbor had a kidney transplant last year, but ended up rejecting it and is back on dialysis. She has aged a lot since then. Very touch for both her and her husband day in and day out to deal with.

The fact that he seems unable to communicate with your mom after 50 yrs must be hard too. I think sometimes our fear of hurting or upsetting others make the situation worse for everyone.

I bet this was helpful in more ways than you can imagine.

Maybe when you are visiting you can be sure to mention to your dad some of the positives that you've noted. Or maybe just tell him when you see some of the qualities you of strength that you see eminating from him. IDK, when I've been around people who are losing their physical form I sense a totally different kind of energy pushing up from underneath the depression and sadness. It seems to be more pronounced in people with spiritual beliefs, but I've felt it in others too. I remember taking turns sitting with H's sister as we rotated her care in the final week of her life. She was not really religious but she kind of like almost glowed at times. IDK

I totally get your comments about your family not being able to communicate with you on that deeper level. I've been struggling a lot trying to accept that H and I are just on two different planes of awareness at the moment. It is like you want to talk and share you feeling and perspective, but others just don't understand, react negatively or just don't get you at all. In my case I am a little more hopeful this situation will improve now that H has started his own therapy. One thing that is helping me is 2 of my friends are able to communicate openly with me. They know who they are and are not afraid of delving deep. Although I still haven't cried yet, I know they could handle it if I did. I've handled their tears so I'm sure they can handle mine.

Sunrise it sounds like a really tough time. But it also sounds like your dealing with it, and helping your family deal with it. ((((Many hugs)))

Sunrise I was thinking about this statement this evening. Since at the moment there may not be anything you can do with your family's avoidant tendencies, is there something you could do to...prevent your head from exploding after having to contain your sadness. IDK...some activity or something you could do immeditately following your visits to release these emotions so they don't say bottled up all week.