It was awful - LONG

dear Tree. Yes, it's over.
You will never, ever have to carry that burden alone, not ever, any more.

(((((((Treehouse)))))))

You did so incredibly GREAT! You did it!! You got up the courage and you shared what you needed to say. I am so proud of you! I know that you wish the subject could be done and over now. You're not relishing having to sit with and process the overwhelming feelings. But you have already begun doing it, and i just know you will get to the other side!!

I had some bad things happen to me as a child also, and i really do understand the feelings of self-blame, of feeling dirty and icky, or somehow at fault. But that's the hurt child part of us that needs healing. We took on responsibility for what our abusers did to us. It was easier to see ourselves as gross, than to see them as gross. But it's not reality.

There's a sweet, tender little tree inside you. She is lovely and innocent and does not deserve the heavy burden of blame she is carrying. You are allowing her to come forward out of exile and tell her story. It is so powerful and brave. You and your t will help her heal.

(((((tree and everyone here supporting her and all)))))

(I will be away for a week and probably without Internet access so don't be surprised if I do not leave any hugs for that length of time.)

Great Job Tree!!!

You did it. I hope I can follow in your footsteps.

(((((((((Beautiful Treehouse))))))))))))

Brave and strong - you told and T still cares !!!!!! (knew he would - who wouldnt care about you Treehouse )

you are totally AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!

I am so Proud of you !!!!!!

you are brilliant!!!! This is a HUGE step and you did it!!!!

yeah!!!!!!!!!!!

TREEHOUSE....WOW....WOW... Don't know what else to say. I can't imagine what it feels like to have it all out even if in the 3rd person. It maybe just the beginning but... WOW.
Let's hope Newtons law holds true in therapy also... Things in motion tend to say in motion...hope you can keep moving safely.

I saw T this morning - first session since the one where he read what I wrote.

I actually almost canceled or rescheduled because my tummy hurt SO BAD this morning...I couldn't decide what to do, so finally I just went to see T.

So, I curled up on his couch with the blanket. It was horrible to start. I felt SO MUCH like he was putting this distance between us, like he had a HUGE, GIANT wall up. I kept asking him why he had a wall up, and he kept asking me these "therapist questions" like "when has someone been distant in the past?" etc. which was making it 5749052554898 times worse. I was so frustrated and scared. I told him that when he was all therapist-y like that, it made it worse. I asked him, if HE had just told someone a big, scary secret, how would he want that person to act? And he was like "what do YOU need?" Ugh.

He said he felt like I was trying to pull him in to a fight. I told him I was just trying to pull him in. I asked him where he was.

Finally, he sort of relaxed in his chair, rested his head on his hand, and asked why I was keeping him at a distance. I told him that the opposite was happening - he was keeping ME at distance. He started listing off the benefits of keeping someone at a distance - it's safe, it's harder for that person to hurt you...and I felt something soften inside. When he started listing stuff, I got it. It really WAS me pushing him away, not the other way around. He asked if I felt the wall get smaller, and I did. He said he did too.

I told him I wanted him to sit with me but I was afraid to ask. So we talked about that for a long time. He finally sat with me, and held my hands, and we were able to talk some about what was in what I wrote...and some things that happened that I didn't write down. I FINALLY felt safe and taken care of. It was so hard to get to that point.

I see him again tomorrow and then I go on vacation. I so, so, so hope I can leave this stuff at home when I go to the beach. I really need a break.

((((treehouse))))

I want to give your T a HUGE hug. He sounds so amazing, and I am thrilled you have such a healing and loving person in your life.

It IS so easy to push people away when we've been hurt. It does seem safer to keep up that wall. So, good work for opening up to T and letting him inside!

My wish for you is to have a vacation that is relaxing. You certainly deserve it for a whole host of reasons, and I hope you can let T hold the pain while you go and rejuvenate.

The ocean is such an amazing thing...I hope you have a chance to go swimming and experience the healing power of water on your vacation.

I'm so happy for you!

And congratulations on maintaining your forward movement!

((((((((((((((((((((( dear treehouse )))))))))))))))))))))))))

every time you hear the waves gently washing in and then out again, how about letting each one float away with some of your tensions, your anxieties, your worries, and your pain. I wish you sweet peace

(((((Treehouse)))))

I am glad T made you feel safe I want to give him a hug too
wishing you a great session full of connectiveness and safety
and a wonderful holiday byt the beach

treehouse, what an amazing realization - I love your T! And how completely wonderful that you felt safe and taken care of by your T - I just absolutely love that, and I'm thrilled for you.

Enjoy your vacation at the beach!!

Tree,

So, now the Beach! How wonderful! I love Sittingatwatersedge's idea of gentle waves washing away the tension.

That special T relationship will be waiting for you upon your return.

Hunny