[Mixtress82]

I saw my psychologist today for the first time in over a year. I bascially
got tired of talking to my husband about my problems, and needed
to get back into the routine of seeing a professional. I feel comfortable
with my therapist, always have, although seeing him regularly has been difficult due to financial problems.

Cutting to the chase...

Today my most talked about problem was the one I was having with my 7 y/o son's behavior as of late. He has been spending too much time at his grandparents house where his cousin (who is 10 years older than him) tends to be most of the time.
I mentioned to my therapist that 6 weeks ago, my 17 year old niece (my kiddo's cousin) bit him. He told me he had no choice but to contact Dept. of Children & Families.
He told me not to feel guilty about this, as I had wanted to do the same.
She is almost an adult, with no respect for the world or people, expects handouts and has no plans for a future. There was no reason to be biting anyone, let alone a child.
I told my mother about this when it originally happened, and she dismissed it as horseplay. The bite left a very noticeable mark at the time, and bruised over. I was concerned back then.
However, going into today's session, I had no idea I would be faced with such a dilemma.

So, DCF was contacted. My therapist called me back and told me they would be in touch with me and also would need to contact my mother and come to her home. More than likely,
they would decide whether or not it's a safe environment for my son to stay b/c when this event happened, there was no parental supervision.
I decided to tell my mother, instead of playing dumb and letting the social workers show up and say "oh, all I told my therapist was this, I didnt think he'd ever report it."
This was a horrid idea. She put the blame on me. My mom told me they'd probably say she couldn't see my son without supervision, that my niece would need counseling (which I truly believe she does) and that my sister would lose custody
of my niece. I had it all thrown in my face, for discussing a private matter about something I was concerned about. My mom did not once put the blame on my niece for this, which started the whole thing to begin with, just defended her from the get-go.

Basically, I don't know what to do. I feel like everyone is pretty much against me now.
I have yet to hear from the social worker, and have to seemingly tell her that it was just a mistake and that they were playing around, and it was an isolated incident, with no problems since...just to get my family off my back. My therapist says not to blame myself, and it's going to be an extremely difficult thing to deal with.

Should I really feel like the enemy here?

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation with a therapist?

[skeksi]

I haven't had to deal with something like that, and I'm sorry you have to. How stressful, but it was brave of you to be up-front. That's for the best interests of all the kids involved.

I had wanted to do the same. She is almost an adult, with no respect for the world or people, expects handouts and has no plans for a future. There was no reason to be biting anyone, let alone a child.

Exactly. It's not okay for her to have done that. Since she is a minor, she might be able to get an intervention and some needed help thanks to your report.

The bite left a very noticeable mark at the time, and bruised over. I was concerned back then.

And that's exactly when it's appropriate to report an incident to DCF. You had reasonable concerns and you reported them to professionals to investigate. You did exactly what one is supposed to do.

She put the blame on me. My mom told me they'd probably say she couldn't see my son without supervision, that my niece would need counseling (which I truly believe she does) and that my sister would lose custody of my niece.

Oh, how hurtful to be blamed, when all you did was show concern. Of course she's angry; she doesn't want to face her lack of supervision or the niece's inappropriate behavior. Her anger has nothing to do with you.

I hope you feel better about your decision. Don't let your mother's doomsday prophecies scare you. Until DCF has completed the investigation, it's impossible to say what they will conclude. It sounds like she is intimidating you to cope with her own fear about the situation.

You did the right thing, in my opinion.

[(JD)]

(((Mixtress))) You've done nothing wrong. And there is no enemy here.

WOW Such a great show of support and caring by your therapist! I'm sure there were other factors that entered in, but just the bite alone is important. Biting is assault...especially these days with the widespreading of HIV and AIDS. A 17 year old, if he/she is in a supervisory position of a child, needs to be able to act like an adult, and not a 10 year old. I don't know the whole story, but I'm hoping DCF will find it.

If you are allowing your son to spend time at his grandparent's, then it's assumed that one of them is supervising. Obviously, this didn't happen. If they wish to continue to have him there, they will have to bear the burden of keeping it a safe place for him (or any child.)

You did say he's spending too much time there. I think this is a topic that you may have already but might in the future discuss with your T.

Don't take the blame. Find your assertive self and stand tall: you are protecting your child!

Make sure you don't give more information than you want to, that they will twist and turn back onto you. Some people are skilled at that. You don't have to say anything, except the facts like you said above. The onus in on the others, and maybe DCF will come through for you.

I think you said something they regretted.

[Mixtress82]

Thank you soooo much, skeksi & Sky for your thoughts! You're support means a ton to me right now!

I'd like to think I have done the right thing. I hope that once this situation is followed through, and things work out for the best...my family might come around and eventually forgive me.

[emilyjeanne]

Originally Posted by Mixtress82

Thank you soooo much, skeksi & Sky for your thoughts! You're support means a ton to me right now!

I'd like to think I have done the right thing. I hope that once this situation is followed through, and things work out for the best...my family might come around and eventually forgive me.

I know exactly how you feel. Several years ago, I contacted DCS on a friend. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I felt like I was betraying her. I just had to think about the child and I knew I didn't have a choice.

Keep your head up. You did the right thing talking to your T.

be strong!

i might be wrong about this but maybe depending on state laws your t might have to by law report any potentially harmful or dangerous situations a minor child might be in...regardless of whether you want them to or not.

think of all the children who died at the hands of others for the want of a report of abuse...anything, just a tiny shred of evidence, something to get the authorities involved and into the house...and nothing was ever done...those kids died a lonely, horriffic death. so be thankful for the bravery and courage of your t to be the one to make the call.

i wish there had been a t like yours when i was little.

so...it might be out of your hands. this might be a could bargaining point to use with your family (or you could say that if it might not be totally true in your area 100%). i beleive it is like that here in jersey.

a 17 yr old should be aware enough to know not to bite a 10 yr old....and responsible enough to not do so....unless there is more going on.

be tough with your convictions. sure family will not be happy with outsiders bieing involved...lets face it no one ever is...but if it is a bad sitiation better for the involvement not than later .

and yes...aids/hiv/hepatitis...just to name a few of the diseases that can be spread thru a bite.

anyway...i drifted there a little in the middle....but like i said...it may turn out to me nothing but t doing his job by state law or a sense of duty...but either way be proud of your t. you have one with courage. and then let their courage flow into and over you. and stand strong for your child. be there for him in his time of need. do not let family pride get in the way child safety. ever.

stumpy.
who's safety got way in the way of family pride.

[Rapunzel]

Nobody likes being caught in a mistake, especially a serious one. Getting defensive is typical. It is telling that grandma was not concerned about the bite, but was concerned about the investigation. What's the priority? Keeping children safe, or making sure that adults don't feel bad for what they did? Which do you care more about?

You did the right thing. You talked about something that concerned you, for good reason. A lot of us come from families that value maintaining the status quo at all cost, and that haven't considered that things could or ought to be different. They resist change, and they try to keep members from changing or challenging things by shaming anyone who does. It may not be comfortable, but it is the right thing, and is also the way to creating a safer, healthier environment for yourself and your son, so that both of you can learn that you don't have to sit there and take it when you are hurt, even by people you love and respect.

[imapatient]

To be contrarian, this thing is very confusing. How serious was the bite? Was he (or why not) take to the hospital? The 17 yo reported to the police?

As described, I didn't hear such serious as to involve a government agency, but that's based on limited info that I have.

As a kid, I remember things like this happening nearly every day in the neighborhood or at school. As described, the T's reaction sounds like an overreaction. Is everything involving an injury to a kid (by another kid; 17 is a kid) worthy of reporting to the cops? An injury not requiring a medical visit?

I don't get it.

One thing I think you need to prepare for is serious attention to you as a parent. If it's dangerous place there, ultimately the parent is responsible for letting their kid be in that environment. Esp. if it's a place with on-going issues. Unfortunately that will happen to you; maybe it wasn't so serious a situation--I don't know from the description, but be on your toes.

I don’t mean to be unsupportive; my comments are based on confusion and to raise the point about the potential attention that you will personally receive. It’s something to be ready for.

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by imapatient

As a kid, I remember things like this happening nearly every day in the neighborhood or at school.

I will challenge this statement with... Yes, these were common everyday occurances in my neighborhood too. Of course the same kids who were biting little kids where also the ones playing a warped form of truth-or-dare, abusing animals, blowing up GI-Joe's jeep with an M-80, getting the 10 year old (me) high and then playing mind games with her, getting her to sniff model glue, and many other... not so harmless things.

Sorry, I totally disagree that reporting this incident is an overreaction. I would assume OTHER stuff is likely going on before I simply called it horseplay.

One thing I think you need to prepare for is serious attention to you as a parent. If it's dangerous place there, ultimately the parent is responsible for letting their kid be in that environment.

Now I do agree with this comment. If someone was leaving my children to be cared for by older kids who have behavior issues, they would NOT be left there anymore! I'd be looking for another place for my son to hang out, Personally, based on my own experience with teenagers...I am very cautious of how much exposure my kids have with this age group.

[chaotic13]

Sorry, if my comments seem a bit reactive... I guess they were. Impatient's comment kind of reminded me of how I grew up thinking this type of teasing and demented behavior was normal child's play and I should just suck it up. Biting someone no matter what your age is NOT acceptable and should not be tolerated .

i agree...especially when you are 17...seems to me that at that age you would think that you would have learned some better coping/playing skills...we are not talking about pre- schoolers.

i still think that my assumption about having to report might be true. the younger child might be considered to be in danger...regardless of the amount perceived ...i don't think the law allows for reporter to inerpret that. danger is danger....kind of like a "no child left behind" kind of thing.

and i agree with that. i would rather investigate small complaints than to miss a child in danger.

i think maybe t had to report the bite (i could be totally off on this).

IF IT WAS ME I WOULD REPORT THE BITE. A 17 YR OLD HAS NO BUSINESS BITING A SMALLER CHILD. FAMILY REPERCUSSIONS BE DAMNED. YES THERE WOULD BE ANGER. OBVIOUSLY THERE IS A SITUATION THERE THAT NEEDS TO BE EXAMENED AND REMEDIED.

to me this isn't just playground cuts and bruises.

[Rapunzel]

Regarding whether it's serious enough to report, I just know that I am always having to challenge myself to consider reporting things that I might not think are serious enough. We tend to build up some tolerance, especially if we grew up with this kind of stuff, or with a family that stressed keeping everything private at all costs. I err on the side of not reporting, because I think I don't have enough information, or because it's no worse than what happened to me (which was never reported), or because I don't want to put someone through that (having been investigated on nuisance complaints myself and really having a hard time with it). But we are told to report anyway, and let the authorities decide if there is enough information, or the incident is serious enough, or it's really worth investigating or not.

In this case, the parent is concerned about the child, the child has increased behavior problems, and there was a lasting visible injury. It sounds like there is or was a problem, and this child deserves to be safe and to know that it is not okay for people to hurt him.

[Tumnus]

Originally Posted by stumpy

i still think that my assumption about having to report might be true. the younger child might be considered to be in danger...regardless of the amount perceived ...i don't think the law allows for reporter to inerpret that.
i think maybe t had to report the bite (i could be totally off on this).

T may be extra cautious because of something in the past. Even so, T is probably a mandatory reporter re: potential or actual abuse. I am a caregiver and as such I am a mandatory reporter. I helped report one person who didn't even leave a bruise, but their actions were considered abusive. A 17-year-old biting a child to the point of leaving a bruise is clearly abusive and should be reported, harsh as it may sound.