[Abby]

I'm having an extremely hard time in therapy. Talking is not something that comes naturally for me so there are times when i spend all week thinking of things i want to share but then when the therapy day comes i rush home from work, go into the room and i can't say anything. I find it so hard to just open up instantly when the rest of the time in life i have to shut down in order to get through the day. I feel my therapist is asking the impossible from me. We spend 45 mins trying to help me connect in some way to my feelings that i am dissociated from the majority of the time, so when we finally do start to move toward something that may be useful it is time for the session to end. And it leaves an open wound.

I have explained all this to her on countless occasions. That 50mins doesn't feel long enough, that the time of the appt at the start of the week makes the rest of the week sometimes unbearable if pain does leak out, that in-between sessions i feel really alone and i have noone to turn to for help. And nothing ever changes. She says she understands, but i feel each week we go through the same formula of her trying to stimulate conversation and me being quite unwilling/unable to do so. I feel like she is trying to mould me to what the system offers rather than what i, as an individual, need. Like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I feel i'm wasting my money.

I read about people on here being able to text, phone or email their therapist and i can't even imagine that happening for me. Truth be told i'd find it hard to reach out during the week because she (my controller) stops me from doing so, but **pain** i'd really, really like the option.

I am fully aware that i am a difficult person to do therapy with. I display a facade of great strength and i attack anything that i feel may leave me vulnerable or scared. But i feel the format of the session extensuates my anger so that all that happens is that my anger part flares up and gets to do a twirl, like - 'tada i'm here **jazz hands**' - and the part of me in pain that i just really want to be comforted is, not exactly ignored, but doesn't get the comfort she needs because my therapist is busy trying to deflect the angry part. I feel it all just plays straight into the hands of my anger.

This is all particually hard this week because i've been feeling really depressed again and i honestly feel i have nowhere to turn. I have been discharged by the psychiatrist. My GP therefore cannot offer me meds because they've not been that helpful in the past and i'm only allowed 2wks worth of medication anyway, because of my anger impulses. I continue going to the therapist but come away feeling more in pain than i did before i went in. I can't accept comfort from my parents because it sets up a physical reaction of wanting to push them away, and i don't want them to be the brunt of my anger.

Sometimes all i feel is

**************PAIN*****************************

But i don't know how to reduce it and i feel noone is helping me learn how to. I don't want my therapist 'to understand', i want her to help me reduce the pain that makes everyday feel like a knife is being stabbed into my chest. I can't think long term, if i'm struggling in the short term! Why can't she understand that?!?

I know i have written far too much, i just needed to write it all down. The worst part is that tomorrow i have to get up and go to work. Everyone thinks i mustn't feel that bad if i am functional and go to work. But that is all i do. And the amount of strength it takes is so much. I don't have the reserves i had when i first came here to this forum at 18yrs old, it takes much less to bring me to my knees these days. And with every year i feel my coping strategies get more and more destructive.

I know nothing can help me. I know i am/the situation is helpless. Yet again, i'm tried to explain to people what i need and i have been ignored. Why do people keep asking me to be open if when i am they don't listen?

**sigh**

(((((((abby)))))))

i'm sorry you're having such a hard time. one thing i've heard a few folks here mention is scheduling appointments for 1 1/2 or 2 hour sessions. is that something that might be possible for you? another thought is to try something different from regular talk therapy like art therapy (no art skills needed) or group therapy/12-step group or something else that might be more helpful for you. one of things i liked when i was in a 12-step group was that i had to really focus my thoughts because the sharing time was limited to 3-5 minutes. it really helped me to distill what was the most important issue to address, and hearing others' shares was always a huge help to know i'm not the only one dealing with crazy emotional stuff.

don't give up, okay? there is something out there that can help you. you may just need to get a bit creative to find it. (safe hugs if you want them)

[Kugelschreiber]

I have a lot of trouble immediately accessing my emotions in the context of the therapy room, too. I read about people crying in therapy and stuff and wish that I was able to let go like that. My therapy is officially 50 minutes, but we usually go more like an hour or a little over. Usually I need the extra time. Seems like discussing the possibility of a longer session might be a good place to start.

((((((((((((((((((((Abby))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you are in so much pain.

Something that has been really hard for me to do in therapy, but has really paid off, is learning how to ask for what I need. It's so hard, but worth it when my needs get met and I get the support I need to get by.

Two things that have helped me have been appointments 2x/week and longer appointments. The 2x/week appointments helped with the pain and lack of support between sessions, because I didn't have to wait as long. It actually also helped with the issue of not being able to access my feelings/being willing to talk until the end of session, because I can usually bring whatever comes up for me at the end of the first session of the week to the second session of the week.

We've also made one session a week a longer session - so I go for 90 minutes instead of 50. That has been a HUGE help, because if I finally become willing to talk 45 minutes into session, I still have 45 minutes left. Now I'm kind of used to opening up, so tomorrow is my last 90 minute session and I'll go back to 2 regular sessions a week.

These things have been REALLY helpful for me, but I did have to ask for both of them. T didn't offer them...but when I brought them up, he agreed they were good ideas.

I KNOW how hard it is to ask for things and admit we have needs...but it might be worth it if it would alleviate some of your suffering between sessions.

Lots of to you!!!

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by Abby

i spend all week thinking of things i want to share but then when the therapy day comes i rush home from work, go into the room and i can't say anything.

Struggling to get stuff out is awful, especially in the beginning.
Here are somethings that helped me:
1) I try not to rush around the day of therapy. Is it possible to streamline your schedule so that you have even just 10 minutes to settle yourself before your session? Maybe bring a change of clothes to work so you can go directly from work to therapy and free up some time.

2) I tend, even now, to get anxious right before the session. After arriving at my Ts office I spend those 10 minutes I freed up attempting to just sit, breathe, and try to ground myself. At first I could not handle sitting in the waiting room so I sat in my car. Then I figured out that if I bring my ipod I can better tune out distractions and I created a therapy playlist that seems to help me settle. Also, I had some problems initially with people in the waiting room striking up conversations me. Usually I'm OK with this but need my space on therapy day.

3) Getting down to business is alway difficult. I've develop some different ways to nudge myself. When I first started I would have all these things floating around in my head. Then when I took a seat on the couch-whosh they were gone and all brain activity went blank. Once I got so frustated after a session I programmed my cell phone calendar to ring 10 minutes into my next session and deliver a message-"Stop being an ***** and talk about ____!" Two weeks later my phone rings 10 minutes into the session and I had to peel myself off the ceiling. I had totally forgotten about setting it and my phone is typically set to vibrate. My T and I laughed about what happened and this comic relief lighted me up a bit and I told her what I had done. We laughed again. After that when my phone rang during the session my T would say, 'you better check that it probaby important'.

4) Like others will likely mention, writing your thoughts down between sessions, looking at the list that day and cutting it down to 2-3 key things and then bringing those with you to the session can be helpful. For a while I couldn't even to this so sometimes I would set a session agenda and just email it to my T before I came. My T was pretty good at making sure each item was at least mentioned at some point. However she was also good at not forcing me to talk about stuff if I really wasn't ready. Often if something was raised and immediately tabled...it would some how resurface in a later session. Its amazing how that just happens :-)

5) If you feel like you T is not HEARING you when you say your session time is too short. Write it down and give it to her so she has to help you address this issue. My sessions are 2 weeks apart and I hate to ask for weekly sessions. But when I do finally ask, my T attempts to accomidate this request. I know some here are able to book sessions that last longer than 1-hour, but that is not always possible for various reasons. Maybe you need to spend one of your sessions talking about specific things you can do to make delving more efficient and to make containment between session bearable. Containment between sessions has been one of the hardest things for me. Thank god my T finally chose to allow me to email her. You never know what your T is willing to provide unless you explicitly tell her you are struggling and ask for suggestions.

I display a facade of great strength and i attack anything that i feel may leave me vulnerable or scared.

Honestly, I think I maintained a good facade for a long time in therapy. I think my T knew something wasn't right but just couldn't seem to access enough information from me to address it. Then after one event, I kind of threw caution to the wind, lost it a bit. I was totally embarrassed and almost quit, but after that boom... I think my T got the info she needed and things improved. I think sometime we just have to go into that no-mans land.

Abby, hang in there, keep trying different things and eventually you will find something that works for you and stuff will just start seeping out a little better.

[phoenix7]

you can be helped and it can get better - when you are standing in the middle ofthe storm thats all you see

why not print out you post and take that? I think it will explain to your T how you feel and putting it in writing may help T.

Maybe you need to work on the anger to get past it so dont ...dunno .. fight that..... anger often is a protective thing covering fear - im very tired and prob not making much sense.... sorry

T had to get past my protective humour and avoidance techniques and see where it hurt - it has taken me a long time - T said I could ring him ages ago and its only recentyl that i have been able to bring myself (amidst great anxiety) to text him - baby steps.

do you get on well with your T? we sometimes talk about my cats when I cant talk about anything.... I know that sounds dumb but it gets me talking ..... take care - there is hope ok - dont give up

[Abby]

Thank you all for listening to me and not saying that i am being over-dramatic, self-absorbed, and/or should try harder.

I have told my therapist what i need (is that the same as asking?). I have told her that the session format is a problem and that containment after therapy is an issue for me. I don't think there is any option for a longer appt unfortunately, or this is what i assume. She certainly hasn't changed anything that i say i find difficult about therapy. Well except she now asks me how i am instead of staring at me blankly waiting.

The worst part is that i have asked despite it being really rather difficult to because i have contrasting personalities which makes my needs come across as either begging or dictatorship demands. All my parts want the same thing, so when part of me tries to ask/tell her but nothing is changed, it feels like all my parts are being ignored and then they kick off in their different ways. So then i alternate between yelling, becoming ice cold towards her, and wanting to cry. I don't know how to ask for what i need, not properly.

I was told by a counsellor at uni that it may help if i attended group therapy. I am more open to these suggestions now than back then, but i have bad experiences - when i went for a pre-group session i was told by the group leader that i wasn't a suitable person because of how i acted/spoke. She said that she had to protect other more vulnerable members in the group and i could cause a lot of hurt. I have never felt more evil! The ironic thing is that actually i stamp down a lot on my feelings when talking to other people in pain, to the point where i've made myself sick trying to help them. So i'm not against group therapy as such, but feel i won't really be an ideal candidate because i'm so emotionally volitile that i'll either stamp all over other people, or let everyone walk all over me. But it is something i may look into.

The stress in the day before therapy is the one thing i'd like to reduce. Unfortunately i cannot think of a way to do this, i am given a timetable of appointments for that day and i just hope that i'm at a place that is in the closest proximity to therapy. Normally it would not be stressful, but when i'm depressed and anxious already, that panic of finishing and getting back on time adds to the pressure.

I like the idea of a putting music on my ipod to listen to in the few minutes before therapy. I think it might help to bring some connection between me and my emotions. I hate the waiting room i have to sit in as it is filled with poetry and i find it anger-riling because i don't get it. All these double meanings, it makes me feel like a kid trying to read a phd physics dissertation! Sometimes i go into therapy already triggered to anger because of this. How pathetic is that!?!

I have thought about taking in a piece of paper with a few words on so my therapist knows where i'm at emotionally for the week. Like this week i just wanted to write one word - PAIN. And now i just want to say - 'please can you help me battle the angry one, don't get sucked in, find me'. But it is like a wild fantasy, i can't imagine doing that, i can't imagine the controlling one would let me. Besides will she understand what i want to convey...will it really help? I may try hard to write down a few words of how all this makes me feel, but i'm scared. I keep thinking - how much am i willing to risk in order to ask (yet again) for something that is very likely going to be turned down and thus feel like a rejection?

I know my therapist is good. I imagine her a lot like a rock standing in the midst of my turbulant, angry ocean. I like that she is so solid and i don't have to feel as much guilt as i do normally because of my emotional mess. But sometimes i wish she wasn't a rock. Sometimes i wish she was softer, more accomodating so that i could feel that she cares, rather than just hearing those words but seeing the exact opposite in action.

I'm sorry i did not reply to all your posts individually and I'm sorry i've written so much. I can see past repeating itself and i don't want it too. I don't think i'm all that able to do something different, that is why i feel i am wishing so fervently that my therapist hears me and helps me change the things that i can't do for myself yet.

Am i asking too much from her? Sometimes i find it hard to know what expectations are realistic and what aren't. Should i prepare myself to go it alone, try and ride it out until things settle down a bit again?

[Brightheart]

Have you tried writing down your thoughts and then bringing them to your session? I had a lot of the same difficulties with communication and never would have had any kind of success in therapy if my T didn't let me do this. The thoughts just don't come out right unless I write them down. I couldn't answer the questions he'd ask until hours (or days) after the session was over. My brain is slow-processing and so he allowed me to write and it really opened up my world. I couldn't express myself well verbally so this really made all of the difference in the world to me. I still have all of my writings too. Ask your T and maybe she will oblige. It might be helpful.

[phoenix7]

dont woryy about replying individually - we do what we can wehn we can ok

no you are not asking for too much - you are asking for your needs to be met and that is a brave thing to do

with the poetry in the waiting rooom - dont look for double meaning s - peotry often just says what it says - its about what it means to you - so when you read it read it just like someone is talking to you ok - if you dont understand maybe you are trying too hard and not just reading the words...... if it makes you feel confused - say ok this is making me confused and thats ok - I am who I am and this is how it makes me feel and thats ok - im not dumb - this is the emotion that comes up and thats ok - be a bit kinder to yourself ok

Writing a few words is a good idea - I used to send the odd letter to T inbetween sessions ...... it helped - or bring notes wiht me when I couldnt talk

like I said - we do what we can when we can ok - take care of you

[Bill3]

Have you considered calling a listening center at a time that you feel able to talk? Perhaps consider

http://www.contact-usa.org/CrisisCenters.htm

You don't have to be in "crisis" to call many of these centers.