[Melbadaze]

man I was just triggered BIG TIME in T. I was talkinga bout my anger issues and T said "remind me, how old are you?" as soon as she said that I was steaming, I knew exactly where this was going, the big M!

T then said, I'm only asking this because we could spent yrs analysing this and in a few yrs it could all be over anyway.

Raging bull now I am. I said, Oh please dont do this to me. It is such a cliche, when I was in alcohol detox they couldnt work out my mood swings and section me of from group and gave me a leaflet on women, alcohol and "that time of the month".

I then begun to feel shame, a fool, T couldnt understand why, and silence took over the room, I was upset, I don't know why, I guess because I want help so much with my anger and the wasp that lives in my head, and the more T tried to understand the more I got upset to in the end I told her to f**K herself and the pot she shits in!

I told T that this is something thats been going on all my life, its not just about now and the M word, and T said "why don't you just tell me I'm wrong then?" Eh??????????? why dont I? why do I seem so hell bent on making a drama out of a crisis?

I left session early, partly because I was to ashamed to remain with T, partly because in my baby head I want her to feel abandoned like I felt she had done to me today. But as I drove home I knew I will go back because there is no one else to turn too, and also because I am sure there is something deeper going on here. Her simple reply to me is something new, I seem to be mixed up with the chaotic memorys of childhood where everyone was shouting to get their point across and no one ever said "well just tell me I'm wrong", we'd all fight to be right, we had to, that was survival as a child.

Dam, now I've got a weekend of no joy of comfort which I normally manage to take from T, perhaps I'm not meant to have comfort right now, perhaps its more important I feel the discomfort, upset.

Sigh, bloody sigh

ps,
"f**k you and the pot you **** on????? Where'd that come from "

[chaotic13]

Sounds like your T gave you a big nudge. Hate when they do that and leave you steaming and trying to figure things out on your own.

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

Sounds like your T gave you a big nudge. Hate when they do that and leave you steaming and trying to figure things out on your own.

I dont think she intends for me to figure out on my own, she was willing to talk, but I couldnt. I realise now that my adult skills are not very up to date ....I couldn't just talk it through..all I knew was to throw a tantrum and want to make someone pay...not nice I know....

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

I couldn't just talk it through..all I knew was to throw a tantrum and want to make someone pay...not nice I know....

Aaaaahhhh- but that really IS part of the process. T always tells me ALL feelings and emotions are okay in therapy. And they are. It gives you information, and it gives your T information, and it shows you what you need to work on. That is not a bad thing, at all. Imagine if you managed to stay all cool and collected with T 100% of the time, and saved angry outbusts for outside of session...T would never really "get" what you needed help with, and you might not either, and you might miss out on a big chance for growth and healing.

Be gentle with yourself. Believe me,you are not the first person to have an angry outbust with T, and you won't be the last. It really, really is okay.

[Melbadaze]

Treehouse, you make very validate points. I guess I should be asking myself why am I surprised that T's remarks caused me to act as I did, when thats the story of my life, my reactions I mean.

Perhaps this is something that i am ready to begin to let go?? Perhaps I created the situation unconsiously to see how it ends? I mean T's simple calm statement "why don't you just tell me I'm wrong" was unexpected and unknown almost, I guess in my warp subconsious I was prepared for battle, because the tapes in my head remember that.

Its very painful though, to see your behaviour, to finally admit at a deeper level that it doesnt really work and its really not approprate. Perhaps the level of pain that realisation holds is something I've been unable to tolerate before?? I dont' know, if thats the case then this would be progress?? I dunno.

I think I know where my "f**K you and the pot you **** in " came from, T has been having a new bathroom fitted and because the workmen have to work around her working from home, its been taking a while and last week T tapped her fingers as we begun session and I took that to mean her mind was some place else, with the workmen, meaning I was pushed out. I mentioned this to T, and she said that I can't believe that she can have work going on and still hold me in mind? and that the tapping her fingers wasn't something she normally does and she took as an attunment to me as tapping my fingers is normally how I start the session.

I dunno, I've got to find the strenght to accept how I feel outraged at times and sit with it and look at it, but its very difficult, especiallly when these feelings have been there a long time and never really been treated right.

It feels like opening up your soul and asking someone to help you put it back together again without neglect and abuse, put it back with love.

[Melbadaze]

I emailed T, she hit the spot and more!!

Dear ******
I’m not sure about this, but …
Sometimes the only thing you can do is be angry – nothing else can take its place. You don’t feel there’s any choice in it, but you want there to be choice. Otherwise you feel overwhelmed, and trapped in it. Anger seems like a hot explosion – you can’t control it, direct it, make use of it. It just is.
You don’t know how other people don’t do the same – maybe they do and they hide it somehow. You want to prove that they do, and it’s frustrating when they refuse to react. You think they are pretending/dishonest.
I’m sorry that you found what I said today unhelpful. But sometimes, everything is unhelpful, and the anger is just there, and we sit with it. I’m not trying to make that sound easy, I know it isn’t.
It seems like this rage comes from such a young part of you, and has never really been contained. You said anger was a part of your family life, and that makes me wonder if what you learnt was that it’s the biggest and strongest person who can be the most angry, and being angry is terrifying because it is never allowed to just be, but becomes magnified by everyone else. You keep waiting for that to happen now, which links up with the belief that people who don’t react to you angrily are pretending.
I think it all becomes a muddle – anger, fear, upset, desperation.
When you say you have to escape it, I think what you mean is that you need for it to be put into words, for it to be made digestible for you. And what you are used to getting is it spat back out at you, undigested.
Love,
*****

[deliquesce]

^ wow wow wow, what an amazing email response from your T!!

from what you have said in this thread... good grief, it sounds like she really just gets where you are coming from.

you have obviously been doing something right, melba, for your T to understand you so well like that. even though you felt you didnt express yourself as clearly as you wanted to, you expressed yourself enough in this session and have worked with T before that she give you a response that was so appropriate and helpful like that.

i'm really proud of your achievement (and LOL at your very inappropriate pot comment, too).

Seriously, what an incredible response from your T! I hope that gives you some comfort for the weekend now.

I couldn't just talk it through..all I knew was to throw a tantrum and want to make someone pay...not nice I know....

I'm jealous... my T actually wants me to throw a tantrum in therapy, but I haven't been able to do it yet. I think it would benefit me a lot, I'm glad you could do it!

[chaotic13]

Sounds like your T just left you be angry. She accepted it, let it flow, but did not feed into it like you are used to people doing.

In the end instead of your anger making you powerful it just left you tired and aware of your feelings. Although I don't physically or verbally lash out, I think a lot of times I lash out on an energy level in therapy. My T has her own way of just allowing my energy to just bounce around to room. When I leave I realized I am so upset not because my T did something, but because in that room I end up experiencing myself and I don't particularly like that experience. Later I realize, my T is simply waiting and ready to discuss with her what I've just put myself through.

Maybe yout T is just giving you space to rant and rave and let it out. Then maybe when you see and experience it you can then work on better ways to manage it and not let it build up.

[(JD)]

I'm so sorry it affects you this way.

I used to have similar feelings about things being blamed on "M"... but you know what? That part of life IS HUGELY responsible for much of the distress in life during that time!!!!

Try and view it like you do a mental unwellness... it isn't you...it's something that your body is doing "to you." Now, you can ignore it or work through it. Once you accept it, and learn how that process works and what it does to thinking and feeling (physically as well) then you can plan better, and give yourself some allowance when things aren't the best.

[Melbadaze]

yeah but...I ain't started my menopause yet LOL!!, thats the whole point..but I think from now on, I shall walk around the street hitting people and then saying, Oh I'm sorry, I'm menopausal LOL!! dam won't I be a blast when it does begin LMAO!

[leahcim]

At least you got an email reply, most of which I think may be helpful. Part of it, I didn't agee with, but who am I to judge what anybody's T thinks.

I've been in and out of therapy for about 25 years with more Ts than I can count have had it out with all of them. Only my current one, which has been my longest (almost 2 years now, on and off but mostly on) has never triggered me.

[Melbadaze]

Leahcim, Which part didn't you agree with? I'd be interested. As most times I believe T's prognosis over my own