[Melbadaze]

I have always been very afraid of Bee's and wasps. I remember when i first begun therapy and talking about my fears, T said something about the fear being in me and my putting it outside of me into the world around, bees and wasps just represent the fear inside. Yeah I sort of get that.

Well after Fridays session I was beginning to wonder about therapy, perhaps some critics are right about it being a self indulgent luxury? Or perhaps therapists are more in love with the power? This is very unlike me to feel this way.

Then yesterday I went to a shopping mall with hubby and as we drove in the car park the air was full of flying ants. I remember as a child one hot summer when there was a swarm of flying ants and I was terrified, the memory of them landing in my hair has stuck with me, and yesterday as i saw them from the car window I begun to worry that I would have to battle them to get to the shopping malls doors.

We got out of the car, and people were waving their arms about and even my husband was wiping his face and head trying to battle them and I was the calmest one there, I just walked to the shopping malls doors unaffected. It was so weird, I am so use to seeing myself as the most scared- est person who ever walked the planet, unyet i could see other peoples fears too, I could even see my husbands, I felt none, the fear just wasn't there. I thought, is this what being "normal" is? I knew then that the work I've been doing over these past yrs has been working, change is happening, but it doesn't happen in the areas you try to consciously force change, it changes you at your core and works from the inside out.

This may seem a small thing, but it represents real change. T always says, "don't you feel other people have fears?" and I always say "no", because my fears were so big, I was like a child always in awe of the "grown ups" but as I "grow up" I can see that "normal" people do have fears and quirks, I just never had the room to see that before.

[chaotic13]

Melbadaze, its nice to be able to see your progress yourself. The past few months I've notice that some of my old thought patterns have been rewritten. Being able to see progress ourselves without having someone else point them out, I think is so powerful.

[deliquesce]

thank you for sharing, melbadaze!! it's nice to reflect on how much we've progressed .

re: bug phobias... i have my own little progress story from last night. no one's allowed to laugh, though, ok? i have a serious serious serious phobia of bugs, or moths, or cockroaches or ants or anything creepy-crawly really. i dont actually expect them to attack me or anything, i just cant stand being in the same room as one, even if it is dead. usually i have full blown panic attacks until someone else comes and removes it for me. but last night no one was at home, and i found a moth which was dead in my room, and i wanted to go to bed. i've been known to go to sleep on the couch instead of having to re-enter my room while there's something in there that i know of. but last night i managed to kind of flick/scoop/catapult it into a bin. YAAAAAYYYYYY GO DELI!!!!!!!!!

obviously i didn't go that well, because i also screamed like a banshee while i did it (and for a few good long seconds afterwards) and someone rang the bell on our house to make sure i was ok (our street is really busy - there's always ppl walking in front of my house).

BUT the point is that i even did it. i'm so proud of myself. i hope i never have to do it again. i am scared about what will happen when i move out and if something bigger than a moth dies (one of my friends lives in a share house and recently found a dead rat in their house. i am wondering if there are services you can call to get someone else to remove those things for you. i would gladly pay $200 for someone to take away a dead rat).

[emilyjeanne]

((((Melbadaze)))) Your experience is what I call a "light bulb" moment. what I mean by that is when something in your mind finally clicks and you understand things. The "light bulb" goes off.

It is great that you are experiencing these moments. Keep up the good work.

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((( dear Deli! )))))))))))))

>>> ..... i just cant stand being in the same room as one, even if it is dead. ....... i've been known to go to sleep on the couch instead of having to re-enter my room while there's something in there that i know of.

sounds fine to me.

>>> BUT the point is that i even did it. i'm so proud of myself.
You should be proud of it - you did GREAT!!!

BTW, screaming during and after is permitted. I was picking up twigs in the front yard one cold early spring morning, and a little garden snake rose straight up out of the ground right next to my hand. I found out how easy it is to scream just like they do in the movies.

>>>i would gladly pay $200 for someone to take away a dead rat.
For that kind of money you can get someone to do whatever is necessary to keep them away (sonic emitters, poison stations, etc), and they'd definitely take away any casualties should you ever see any. I have this kind of contract and if I had to choose between that and health insurance, I'd have to think a long time which to give up!

Good for you! Yr T will smile to hear this story you are getting stronger!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

.......i could see other peoples fears too, I could even see my husbands, I felt none, the fear just wasn't there. This may seem a small thing, but it represents real change.

Wow!!!! I couldn't have done what you did.
Good job!!!