Accepting more ugly truth

My T told me to write this week. I did and I don't like it, don't like what I have to write. I guess it has to come out sometime but I am not sure I want to talk about it with her this week. Just want to hide. I don't know if I can show it to her because I don't want to talk about it right now. I don't like therapy too much sometimes.

Please don't read if you are not feeling safe.


Steambath of Child Abuse

Accepting the truth
Like cracking open
Of ones innocent
Tissues inside
Being harvested
While still alive
Like flesh of a
Caught lobster
Succumbing to
The evil steam
Of membranes
Screaming the
Revealed horrors
Of past and present
Realities
That nobody should
Have ever been
Forced to conceal.
Feeding the dark
Insatiable
Appetite of
My abuser,
My mother.

Good for you for going ahead and writing it! It truly is heartbreaking, it really did touch me.

I also don't like therapy sometimes.

((((((((((exoticflower))))))))))))))

I read it. Writing sometimes helps me too... other times it opens me up and things come out and I want to shove them back in 'where they belong'.

I'm sorry you're feeling so... icky, would be a good word.

I'll hide with you - and like you all told me, you don't have to talk about it with her until you're ready/willing/wanting to do so.

Thanks dreamseeker for your kind words. She will never make me talk about something till I am ready but if I show her my poems, she will want to. Maybe I want to too, but it is so scary dealing with so much at once. Maybe I just need a push and bring my poems in, will do that maybe because she will ask me.
I must be a client of surprise, one week it's a painting I do, the next poetry, kinda crazy I just can't TALK about things like most people do. But I guess that is my vehicle of communication...nowdays.
Therapy is tomorrow, I am feeling tense about it already. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

HI Christina,

LOL I guess I did say to you that you will talk when you are ready. It is EASY to give advice but to follow my own advice is HARD! lol

Do you have a good hideout that has fresh baked cookies. ?

(((((((((((((((((( dear exoticflower )))))))))))))))))))))

((((((Exoticflower))))))

Your poem is so so descriptive and explains so well the anguish you must have felt (and continue to feel) at being brutalized at a tender age. It must have been terrifying to be overpowered, "cracked open," and subjected to intense pain. The lobster was such a fitting example. The powerlessness in the face of someone stronger. . .the inability to flee, the pain inflicted on you, all in order to feed somebody else's needs. It's an awesome poem.

Thank you so much Peaches

You completely get my poem, thank you for reading it and responding to me. Sometimes I don't always know if it is okay to share such stuff like this, and you helped it feel okay.

(((((exoticflower)))))

Exotic I get your poem. I've written stuff and given it to my T. She does seem to then take me there during the session. But a few times I didnt feel like delving into it and just changed the subject. Bringing it to therapy just puts it on the table it doesn't mean you have to look at it at that point. Also I've found that my T see things in what I write and finds other situations or topics that are easier for me to talk about and uses them to nudge me closer to a direct discussion of an issue. For example after I've shared something but avoided talking about it for a while, she might say something like... I know in the past you've mentioned that you felt X sometimes do you think how you feeling now is related to that? Or how does that compare with how your feeling about Y now?
Basically my T is pretty slick, she revisits feeling stuff I've shared only in writing as if I've TALKED about it and covered it live with her already. Then I start talking and realize...I'm sharing details and actually expressing myself with voice and body language...by that time I've already started talking and kind of just continue a little bit. Now that I'm thinking about it... my T is pretty slick in deed.