I don't understand myself.

T left me a message this morning and told me that of course I can have what I need...to sit with him on the couch and just "be" and feel safe.

And about 30 minutes later, *I* left a message canceling all of my appointments for next week

I think it's because my issues are so stupidly big, and there are so many of them...just way too much crap in my past...it took me so long to be able to take it out and look at it, and it's because I *have* to, because it happened to *me*. T doesn't have to look at all of this. It's TOO MUCH. I am afraid he is going to get burned out (if he isn't already) and dread me coming in (if he doesn't already).

We used to kind of chat at the beginning and end of my appointments. We used to laugh a lot because we share a sense of humor. I felt like he enjoyed spending the time with me, and he liked me. Now I come in and sit down and I don't know if we even smile at each other. It's just...sit down and GO, into the yuck. I don't know how else to do it, it's all so overwhelming to me right now. So it's either "yuck" or "silence", that's it.

And it is really hard for me to keep it contained between appointments right now, and even though he said I could e-mail and call as much as I want, I bet he never EVER EVER guessed that two years later I would still need so much support. He probably thought I would be out of there in less than two years. It's not like I came in at the first appointment and told him all of my issues. It took me over a year and a half to even HINT at the CSA stuff.

So, I left a message and told him I would see him on the 25h. I may take that week off too. I may take a MONTH off. I may take a YEAR off. I may find a new T. I don't know.

I just know that *I* couldn't deal with me for this long, and I'm getting the feeling that T has had enough too.

[3velniai]

Are you really really sure it's a good idea to take that break now, when things are sooooo overwhelming?...

[tryingtobeme]

Tree, I am so sorry you are struggling. I too have had these same issues. When I was ready what you said, I thought you was talking about me and how I see my realationship with my T. I understand you being overwhelmed. Sometimes it's good to take a break, but if you are very overwhelmed....then do what is best for your health even if it seems to hard.

One thing that has helped me in therapy. I write down what I want to talk about. I always have so many things, but I have them down on paper and we start working on them one by one. Sometimes the list gets very long. But it's okay, things will get worked on as time goes on. Also, put at the very top of your list, "idle chat", this meaning when you sit down to start you see "idle chat", give yourself a few mintues to chat with your T. Let him know how you want to proceed. Any good/true therapist will be willing and so happy to see that you are taking charge in a sense.

Please do take care of yourself. Lots of hugs.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((( dear Tree ))))))))))))))))))

Even though you seemingly are making a big change while you are upset, instead of waiting for a time of peace to decide ........ you must do what's right for you, as far as you can see it.

I hurt so much for the pain you are going through.

One thing though, if you don't mind my saying so.... I hope you will try hard to ditch the "I bet he's sick to death of me" line of thinking (yes, I know, that's rich coming from me isn't it ) Truly, if / when you decide to take up the work again, you mustn't let that kind of thinking stop you from contacting him again. You know that he cares about you, and wants to see you well, and how long it takes is not part of that picture at all.

you're right, we ARE here - and we love you.

[googley]

((((((Treehouse))))))

It sounds like you are having a really challenging and scary time. It sounds like you were able to ask for what you needed and then were scared by your T response that it was okay to ask for what you need and that he would be willing to provide it.

I have a couple of suggestions. First, remember that your T can take care of himself. It is his responsibility to take care of his own self care. He has been trained how to do that. He has his own support network set up for any time he needs to depend on it. That will have been part of his training. If he says you can contact him, then trust him to know that it is okay. Also, your T does not want to get rid of you. He is not tired of you. He is okay with the time it is taking for your treatment. At one point I believed that both my T and Pdoc were trying to get rid of me (not quite sure where that belief came from). I went in and was so angry in my T appointment. But my T was able to reassure me that she wasn't trying to get rid of me and neither was my pdoc. I was able to give her all the reasons I thought she wanted to get rid of me and she shot them all down. She was even able to counter the "I just know it" reason. Your description of your T in the past has been so supportive. I'm sure he doesn't want you to leave. Is it possible that your belief that he is tired of you is more connected to your fears about dealing with the CSA stuff than about his feelings? If he doesn't want to see you any more than you will be able to put off dealing with it since even if you find another T right away it will take time for the trust to build? What do your other parts want to do?

Second, you mention that you used to have some light hearted conversation with your T at the beginning of your sessions. I do the same thing with my T. Would you feel comfortable asking your T to help you reestablish this pattern? Then you would know that the first thing you are going to talk about isn't going to be tough stuff. (For me it is often the weather or some similar topic.)

I would also suggest if your T calls talking to him about your canceling your next appointments. I am sure you will go back and see T again. But if you put it off, you will just have to deal with the anxiety it causes for that much longer.

Take care of yourself.

[sunrise]

(((((treehouse))))) Is taking a week off what YOU need? I think sometimes a break from therapy can be helpful. Listen to your inner voice. But if you are taking a week off because you are guessing that it is what your T needs, then maybe think twice. He can take care of himself.

If you change your mind about taking a week off, I hope you will call and get on his schedule. It's OK to change your mind if something comes up or if you realize you really do need to see him.

I agree with what others are saying about making time to chat at the beginning of the session. When I first began therapy--maybe for the first year--we did not chat. I dove right into the big issues each time. I was so eager to make progress and heal. It also didn't occur to me that I could chat with my therapist. I didn't see that it would have value or be appropriate or whatever. Now, though, we do chat at the beginning of every session. It is a way that we connect, find similarities in ourselves (helps us "twin"), get the pulse of what is going on with each other, etc. It is an important part of our therapy now, which I didn't appreciate at all in the beginning. I think you can get that back if you want. Can you ask T for his help in reinstating that pattern?

You guys are so supportive and understanding.

I am SOOOOO confused. Today I wrote T a letter about what all of my parts are feeling and I put it in a big envelope with his eagle (because I know it is very expensive and dear to him and I will give it back when therapy is over) and I drove to his office to leave it in the kitchenette for him during a session. I left a message letting him know it would be there. When I got there, the blinds were open in his office, which would mean he is not in session so I didn't know what to do. I peeked in and the door to his office was closed. He usually goes out of town on the weekends, so I am guessing that is where he is. So I had to leave ANOTHER message that I didn't leave the envelope (because i didn't feel comfortable leaving the eagle there) and that I will get it to him some other way.

I don't know if I'm quitting therapy or what. And I dont know why. I *think* it's because I can't stand being so needy anymore, and if T isn't already burned out, he will be soon. I am sure he dreads my sessions. I love him and I don't want him to hate me. I think that's why.

I have asked myself if it's because of the CSA stuff. It's kind of all out in the open now, and every time I go there I am just filled with shame, and embarassment, and fear. I'm overwhelmed and can't do the work. I want T to think I'm doing a good job, and if I can't, I don't want to go. My story is TOO MUCH. There's so much stuff, it's just stupid that it can all happen to one person. We will never be done. EVER. EVER.

I really don't know what to do

[BlueMoon6]

(((((((((((Tree))))))))) I just wanna give you a big hug. I SO understand why you would want to take a break. I dont think there is anything wrong with breaks, but from reading your posts and how attached you are to your t and how gentle, kind, nurturing and patient he is with you I cannot believe you need to take care of his feelings as a t. He knows what he is in for when this stuff comes up. Im sure he is experienced.

My first thought when I read this was how it is so like me and my bpd. You (me too) get very involved with something (like therapy and finally talking about the csa) and then when it all is too much then we turn completely around and do the extreme opposite. Its the bpd disorder. My t talks to me about this all the time. How it controls every aspect of my life and my decisions. I get into a drama I have created and then with my all-or-nothing thinking I turn around, very scared at what I have done, and run/do the opposite. Its black or white, all or nothing. I dont think there is anything wrong with breaks from t but you have been very involved in working on painful stuff, going 2x/wk and then from 2x/wk to nothing? Very bpd. I am EXACTLY the same. I go after something, get involved, then run scared. But knowing it is how I am learning (very very painfully slowly) to observe my behavior and someday change.

My advice, dear tree, is to go and talk to your t about the reason for a break and the session doesnt have to be so heavy. Does he work with many borderline patients? He must be aware of what you are doing. So into it- so often- and then nothing. What do you think?

((( tree )))

I went through this too. It's so very hard.

It's a push-pull phase with yourself. Because you "opened up" the CSA you feel the need to push through it, yet you want to pull back from all the overwhelming feelings it's bringing up. Believe it or not, it makes perfect sense.

When things got too much for me, I'd pick up the phone and cancel the next session. Sometimes I really needed the break because I was so consumed by "it" that it began to have a life of it's own. But sometimes I was making a bold statement, just as you are.

"How can you stand me if I can't stand myself?"

Tree, is that type of statement, or words like needy and stupid, familiar to you? Did someone say them to you or make you feel that way? It stands to reason if that's true then those dynamics are coming in to play.

How do you want T to react to this? Will he piss you off if he doesn't call you to talk about this?

Don't answer it if you don't want to, just think about it.

I care so very much about you tree. I'd be honored to hold your hand through this if you need me too.

[Indie'sOK]

((((((((tree)))))))) I wish I could say something to make you feel better, I really do. I hope whatever descision you come to works out well for you. Sending a bunch of hugs and support to you

[rainbow8]

I'm sending you lots of , treehouse. I can understand your feeling like it is all so overwhelming and you'll never be through. But those come from twisted thoughts, if you're familiar with CBT at all. Just one step at at time, and you WILL get through. Your T is NOT going to get burned out. If you tell him/show him what you're posting, I'm sure he will reassure you! Not that breaks from therapy are bad, but this doesn't seem the time for one. Telling your T what's going on and hearing what he says, sounds like a good idea. I'm sorry he wasn't there when you delivered your letter. I hope you can distract with something fun this week-end until you can speak to him.

[deliquesce]

tree, just a quickie response from me (ha! lucky you ), but i'm wondering what a good "resolution" to this will be.

will you really be happy, just quitting therapy like this? or, if you intend to go back - will it be ok that you've just had a break and continue on in a month's (or whatever) time?

i know this reveals more about me than you, but i am queen of quitting or "postponing" therapy. a huge part of it is a test, though. i need pdoc to call me and tell me it's ok to keep coming back, that he likes working with me, that he's not being burned out because i'm a bad person who sucks the lifeblood away from him etc.

i am wondering if that might be an element of what would help to make this work better. kind of like, you needing T to come sit with you rather than having to ask. for me, just the fact that i show up to therapy sometimes is too much of an "ask", i need pdoc to make the invitation - show me that he's not physically sick at the mere thought of me.

lol, obviously this wasn't the quick reply i promised, and i am possibly way off track, but just sharing maybe because you know i've also gone through the csa disclosure, and all that attendant uncertainty about pdoc's ability to cope with it (no, "me") too.

tree

You've already gotten amazing responses here. My wish for you is for the pain to go away, however that has to happen - with T, without T, whatevever. But you so deserve to be pain-free. And I'd bet a million bucks that your T would agree with that.

((((((((((sweet treehouse))))))))

no one deserves to go thru all you have in life. i so wish i could take all that pain away.

Originally Posted by treehouse

I don't know if I'm quitting therapy or what. And I dont know why. I *think* it's because I can't stand being so needy anymore, and if T isn't already burned out, he will be soon. I am sure he dreads my sessions.

if you need to take a break then it is ok take a break. i'm not sure quitting therapy altogether would be good right now though. you are having very, very difficult emotions coming up, and i totally understand why you want to run from them. i think slowing down would be good but quitting would probably just make it harder for you in the long run. finding the balance is usually a better option. it will get better tree. maybe you can't believe that right now but can you let us believe for you?

I love him and I don't want him to hate me. I think that's why.

tree, i think your t loves you no matter what. it sounds like that is bringing up some really painful childhood emotions. you don't need to earn his love and really you can't. love can never be earned--only given.

tree, he won't hate you and you don't have to take care of his needs. he knows when he is doing too much and he'll let you know if that's necessary. it sounds a bit as if you might be projecting your burnout onto him. you have enough people to take care of so why not let t take care of himself? he's the professional anyway.

I have asked myself if it's because of the CSA stuff. It's kind of all out in the open now, and every time I go there I am just filled with shame, and embarassment, and fear. I'm overwhelmed and can't do the work.

tree, i think feeling these awful feelings is doing the work. it's just so incredibly painful and i'm so sorry you have to go thru this.

I want T to think I'm doing a good job, and if I can't, I don't want to go. My story is TOO MUCH. There's so much stuff, it's just stupid that it can all happen to one person. We will never be done. EVER. EVER.

he will love you no matter if you do a "good" job or not. what is a good job of therapy anyway? lol

i so understand feeling like there is too much. i haven't gone thru some of the things you have but my life is so not functional. but we will get thru it. if i didn't believe that i'd have given up long ago. it may take longer than we think it "should" but i believe it will happen. there is no timetable on healing and i'm sure your t doesn't expect this to be a quick process.

I really don't know what to do

how about we all just sit with you until the storm passes?

[ParadoxicalOne]

(((((((((((((((((TREEHOUSE)))))))))))))))),
I know exactly how you feel! Exactly! You have the courage and the strength within you - do not falter. You WILL make it through this (and so will your T)!

((((((((((PC Friends))))))))))

Your posts mean a lot to me. I am still in kind of a whirlwind of confusion...but I have had a few minutes of peace, thinking "I'm DONE!" followed by a bit of panic and sadness...

I have asked T before (a few times) if I have borderline, and he insists that no, I don't. I do have very stable relationships with friends, H, etc. Running away isn't what I usually do, but the urge to do it really IS so strong right now.

Maybe I AM projecting my own burnout onto him. I don't know. I hadn't thought of that.

I think it's just TOO MUCH for me right now. Like I don't know if I can make it through this. I don't know how long I can stand to feel like this, seriously.

Orange, I don't know how I will feel if he doesn't call. I thought he might call today, but I think he is out of town, and he didn't. And, spookily, I was fine with that. I'm scared, honestly. Scared to continue, scared to quit. Scared that he'll call, scared that he won't. It just feels so dark right now...I can't find my way out.

You are all so gentle and kind helping me think through this It's so weird because I wonder if I am running away from something I really dont think I deserve - T and all of his caring - and right here are a bunch of people giving me the same thing. It's kind of confusing...but truly, truly really nice to be supported and kind of held up for a bit.

I took a double dose of klonopin. Hoping rest will come my way.

(((((((((TREEHOUSE))))))))))

I am so sorry you are going through a difficult time. Your posts sound so familiar to me. I have been through these same feelings many times. I have cancelled on a couple of occasions, but T has always phoned me and talked me into coming. Now, when I look back, I realise that this is exactly what I wanted her to do. I have struggled with the feelings of not wanting to keep going, but not wanting to stop either. Disclosing CSA is hideous to say the least and the feelings of shame often overwhelm me also. I always remember T saying to me once "If this were somebody you care about telling you about their sad past, how would you feel toward them". Of course , the only answer is compassion and sympathy!! Its a pity we cant feel this towards ourselves isnt it. I always read your posts, and seems like you have a loving strong bond with your T. Therapy is such an intimate relationship, it has so many ups and downs. I hope everything works out ok Tree.........Im sure this hard time will pass.
Take care..........xx

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I *think* it's because I can't stand being so needy anymore, and if T isn't already burned out, he will be soon. I am sure he dreads my sessions. I love him and I don't want him to hate me. I think that's why.

(((((((treehouse)))))))

Something here does not compute for me. OK, you can't stand being needy; got it. But if I were your T, I do believe I'd find it more and harder work to deal with you resisting being needy than with you just being needy; and more and harder work to deal with you trying to spare me than with whatever you were trying to spare me from.

I'm sorry to tell you this but I think you're the one who doesn't want to be dealing with something right now, and instead of just saying you don't want to, you're hiding behind "T wouldn't like it."

If there's anything to that (you get to say if there is or not), what do you suppose would happen if you did try saying "I don't want to" instead of "T would rather I didn't"? You don't have to say it to anyone else; it doesn't have to be true; you don't even have to know if it's true or not. You could just try it out: say "I don't want to" and see if it feels true to you or not, and what happens when you say it.

If you do try it out, I'd be very interested to know how it feels and what comes up for you -- if you're willing to tell me, of course.

I have asked myself if it's because of the CSA stuff. It's kind of all out in the open now, and every time I go there I am just filled with shame, and embarassment, and fear. I'm overwhelmed and can't do the work.

It sounds as if the first work you need to do is on the shame, embarrassment, and fear. [ curveball alert] Did you know that a lot of people deal with stuff like that in... therapy? [/ curveball alert]

I want T to think I'm doing a good job, and if I can't, I don't want to go.

Do you really (really?) think T will think you're doing a better job if you don't go than if you do?

My story is TOO MUCH.

Too much for you, maybe, but has your T ever said it was too much for him... or could you be making that part up?

There's so much stuff, it's just stupid that it can all happen to one person. We will never be done.

Here's a riddle for you, in that case: what would be the surest way for you never to be done?

I really don't know what to do

I'd say, hang out with it. Something is pretty sure to occur to you eventually.

<--- if we're still on hugging terms

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I am SOOOOO confused.

Me too! I've been off the board for about 9 hours, and when I left, you were going to take a break, and skip a week (2 sessions). Now I come back and find you are quitting therapy, returning T's eagle, etc. I'm confused! What happened to make you go from skipping 2 sessions to quitting? Why not try taking a break of 2 sessions and see how that goes? You can always decide later to take a longer break, if after skipping 2 sessions, it doesn't feel like enough. Why the "big quit" right now?

Treehouse, you are a very kind person, very thoughtful and very considerate. But I would like to say something to you, with the best intentions: YOU WORRY ABOUT YOUR T TOO MUCH! He's gonna be OK. If he feels burnt out, he'll take a vacation, or he won't take on any new clients, or he'll cut back his hours by 10%, or he'll go for a massage twice a week, or he'll meditate or go for a run, or he'll go to see a therapist of his own. He has dozens of coping strategies, if he feels burnt out. And he may not be burnt out at all.

Originally Posted by Fool_Zero

if I were your T, I do believe I'd find it more and harder work to deal with you resisting being needy than with you just being needy; and more and harder work to deal with you trying to spare me than with whatever you were trying to spare me from.

Dear treehouse, I agree with FZ. It could be much harder for your T to work with your backing out of therapy, skipping sessions, quitting, etc., than just dealing with what issues you have to work on.

Originally Posted by treehouse

I can't stand being so needy anymore

treehouse, if you stop going to therapy, you're still going to be just as needy, but you won't have a trained and caring professional in your life to help you with your stuff. So if you want to be less needy, you shouldn't quit. Does that make sense?

treehouse, I hope tomorrow you will change your mind. You deserve to get through this. If it is too intense right now, take a little break, decrease the intensity of the sessions (ask for T's help with this!), and just go have therapy and soak up some support. All the hard stuff will be there to work on when you are ready.

[skeksi]

who must have brought it all on herself because it's ridiculous that all of those things could happen to one person - she is the only common denominator. He probably sees her as someone dirty and gross and maybe even dangerous.

It's so scary, isn't it, Tree, to even consider seeing yourself as innocent and helpless in all of those situations, to see that other people exploited and hurt you of their own free will. It's so much better to feel like somehow we brought it on ourselves, because then maybe we can do something different so it never happens again.

It's scary, too, to think that T might see you with caring, with love, with a desire to protect you the way nobody did back then.

[Miracle1986]

(((((tree)))))
Keep talking to us if it helps...
we are here for you.

[Indie'sOK]

((((((tree)))))) No need to apologize Tree, we're here for you

[FooZe]

Yup, that's triggery and embarrassing stuff all right. The first time I heard anything comparable was maybe 9 years ago and I had to get offline for an hour or so to recover. That particular story had mostly physical violence in it; no doubt this is just me, but for some reason the mention of violence seems to trigger me a lot more than the mention of sexual exploitation does.

Just for the record, I can think of more than half a dozen women I've met in four months here at PC who have had something sexually abusive happen to them when they were little, who are embarrassed to talk about it (which I can sort of understand since I am, too, about anything comparable). Where they lose me (if they do) is when they're certain I'll think badly of them if I know what they really went through, when meanwhile I'm thinking, "This is such a great person. What would it take for her to recover from whatever happened to her so that she doesn't have to live her life with a hole in it any more?" That's where the action seems to be for me; I wouldn't be surprised if at least some therapists became therapists to be able to support people through something like that; but the part I find myself a bit hung up on is that quite a few of the abuse victims I've talked to, don't seem to believe anyone could handle knowing what happened to them and seem to be looking for condemnation and punishment almost as much for support. Do you think you could throw any light on that for me?

Originally Posted by treehouse

Of course T can't admit that he thinks those things. He has to sit there and be a good therapist. But I don't have to sit there knowing what he knows and what he's probably thinking.

You're predicting he'd get triggered, freeze up, and just go through the motions of being a "good therapist" -- after a career of talking I don't know how many clients down from positions just like that. I wonder why he would ever have chosen to be a therapist if he was more interested in avoiding ever getting triggered than in guiding people through wherever they find themselves stuck.

(((((((treehouse)))))))

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by treehouse

No replies are needed - I know it's too much

Barely enough. Thanks for sharing.

I hope the mods let it stand. IMO, we need more like it, not less.

[peaches100]

(((((((Tree)))))))

I understand that you're feeling ashamed and afraid and confused right now. It's a HUGE step that you were able to gain enough safety with your t to divulge some very painful, private things that happened to you as a child. It's scary to come face to face with it, and scary to tell someone else about it. I really understand first hand.

But what makes it even more difficult is that we (and I include myself, as a survivor of SA), we project our own feelings of deep shame onto our t's. Because "we" feel so bad, guilty, and ashamed, we imagine that our t's will also feel we are bad and shameful. What we need to understand is that those emotions we so much fear from our t are the emotions we need to face within ourselves and heal from.

ur t is not going to think you are a terrible, bad person. But the way you feel about yourself, and about the little girl you once were, that's where the real work lies. . .

your belief that you should have said no
your shame about what happened
your fear that all of the unfortunate abuse was somehow your fault. . .

these are deep-rooted and painful to our core. our t's will help us root out that self-hatred and shame. they will walk beside us and hold our hand on the journey. they will help us through to the other side. trust the history you've built up with your t and the care you know he has for you. He is not going to be scared off by what you tell him. Being a therapist, this is the sort of thing they train for. He can help you.

I do think, though, that it sounds like you've been really triggered by what you've shared with him recently. You may need to let things settle down again inside before you try working on these very painful memories again. My t has always said that trauma work needs to be titrated, dealt with in little bits. . .you pull out a memory, talk a little bit about it, and then put it away for awhile. Later on, when you feel safe enough, take it back out and look at it briefly. Then put it away again. Just dealing with it in little doses as you feel able to. That's the only way i can do it. Do you think doing it that way might help you feel a little bit less scared, and a little bit more control?