Taking a break

{{{ Tree }}}

I wanted to suggest to you that a lot of the confusion you are dealing with is probably coming from the "little tree" inside. I often have to strongly point out that fact to T when she is trying to get "me" to look at something this way or that way. I tell her she is NOT dealing with the adult self that sits before her. It's the six-year-old who's having trouble understanding the depth of it, and the six-year-old is also very frustrated by trying to get T to understand her point of view. When I do this, T has a V-8 moment and there is a shift of understanding.

It's my little one who's been "frozen in time" unable to deal with all the secrets and the overwhelming emotions of the past, or as this passage points out, the images that replay over and over again.



Jody Davies
Mary Frawley

I'm also wondering if all this public sharing of such personal info might be causing you more distress. Just something to think about.

I'm back home now from our vacation and shoddy internet service, so I wanted to offer some support.

((((((Treehouse))))))

I'm going to tiptoe here... I haven't read through every single response in this thread, but I can't help wondering if possibly (stressing possibly) that you may be fearful of delving deeper into all of what has been troubling you and you are feeling like you want to avoid the pain of it all. I can't even imagine the pain you must be feeling with all of this being out in the open. It must be very frightening and overwhelming. Maybe if you feel you need a week or so to catch your breath, that would be advantageous, but quitting altogether...If you do that, you might not have the chance to release some of your deep pain in the safety of the space with your T. I hope none of what I'm saying is triggering. I'm very sorry if it is.

Could it be that your are scared because you know you trust your therapist...you know that you've become attached to him...and because of this attachment you know he is the right person to discuss all of this with, but it hurts very much and is so hard to do? I'm so sorry for all that you have been through in your lifetime. It was very wrong for you to have to endure. Maybe it would be safe to let your T hold your hand through the pain. Maybe if you let him hold your hand and guide you, the pain and shame will be released and you can be on the road to healing. I doubt very much that he sees you in the way you think he sees you. I imagine he cares for you just the way you are and knows that your past experiences were no fault of your own. I hope that whatever you decide you begin to feel better very soon. And either way, I hope that all of us can be supportive of you throughout.

((((((Tree)))))) You have gotten such beautiful and caring responses here from your friends who care about you so much. I dont have anything more to add and couldnt say any it more beautifully than they did.

You just told us your story and all of the shame and pain and hurt you feel and no one is running away. Eveyone wants to hold your hand, be there for you and listen. I know your other responses have said it but I will go ahead and say it again- you have shame and self-hate but your t can handle it. That is what he is there for. And he cares a great deal about you. Let him be your strength when you dont have it.

It looks like you have people who care very much about you in your life. You have a story with trauma and abuse but Im sure you also have stories about how much your h and your friends and you children love you and are there for you. Read your responses and please know you are cared about by people who know what happened to you and care anyway.

((((((Tree))))))

(((tree)))

I am so proud of you for telling. You did the right thing.
I still love you, and I know that T does too.
You don't have to carry this all alone anymore.

Much love and warmth headed your way.

Tree, we read all your posts and still love and respect you.

I couldn't agree more!

tree

(((((Treehouse)))))
It sounds like you are having such a hard time. I am so sorry! It is not too much for me. It is not too much for your T either. Please even if you decide to take a prolonged break from T, please talk it over in session with your T first (or at least on the phone). This is a decision you should make with his input. (Though I sincerely hope you don't decide to stop completely at this point.) Maybe you could take a break from the csa processing without taking a break from T. Please keep posting and let us know what you decide. We are here for you!

what pachy said

I still think you did the right thing posting it, and so far I haven't seen anyone say otherwise. If it stays up for a while, I'm betting that at least one other survivor of CSA will find herself saying, "If treehouse can post about what happened to her, I can post (or at least start talking) about what happened to me."

If that were to happen, would you mind?

Treehouse, I can only imagine how frustrated you are with this whole therapy process. I know it has been really up and down for you over the last few months.

The truth is, *I* feel frustrated when I think about your therapy process too. Because honestly - I don't think you are ready to plunge into this hard stuff yet. I just don't understand why your therapist hasn't helped you to develop your inner communication skills and coping strategies first.

What I observe happening as a cycle for you is that little-you 'tells stuff' and you become flooded with her feelings/memories/insecurities, but you don't yet possess the level of communication required to adequately comfort her. So she kind overwhelms you and you get lost in this very triggered place where the only coping strategy you have is to reject her, reject therapy, and deny and suppress it all again, just as you have all your life.

So yeah - as an observer I feel very frustrated because I *know* it doesn't have to be this way. I get frustrated with your T, who I really thinks need to read over the guidelines for treating adults with dissociative disorders, as posted on the ISST-D website. The golden rule is ESTABLISH INNER COMMUNCATION AND COPING STRATEGIES BEFORE DELVING INTO TRAUMA MATERIAL!!!!

I see you get so overwhelmed by the feelings associated with the memories, and see you struggling so desperately to deny everything again, simply because you don't yet know another way to cope with it. Sometimes I just want to grab your T by the scruff of the neck and knock a bit of sense into him (ever so gently of course). Inner communication is EVERYTHING. Without it you are lost at sea without a paddle. Without it the drowning pull everyone else in the system down with them.

The little yous in the system need you. ALL of you need at least one part of you to be there with a lifejacket when the going gets rough. It concerns me that your T isn't helping you find ways to do that.

The only one who knows if she is ready to plunge into stuff is the person herself.


In the therapeutical setting, there are two people , the therapist and the client. There is little chance that anyone reading posts from one's experience would constitute enough evidence to make a judgment about what should/should not be done by the therapist. It is my opinion that these things are best worked out by the therapist and client in the clinical setting since they are the only two who have all the facts. I love that people can come on here and post how they feel, as Treehouse has done! I love the supportive comments. I don't think this T needs any "sense knocked into him", he sounds like a very empathic, sound therapist. Nobody's perfect. In my experience, working through things like this really lead to progress although people can't see it while they are in it.

((((((((((((Treehouse)))))))))))))))) - Best of luck to you! I know you'll get through this!

(((((Sister Treehouse)))))
Sitting with you when you need a break, and walking with you when you resume. Nice to know we walk the same path.
Kiyacat

Tree,
This is a really difficult time for you. Hard as it sounds something is working, a bit overwhelming, definately but you really can do this. If it takes lots of time thats ok too, sometimes talking a break from the hard stuff in therapy is needed. Maybe you can spend time talking about what you need from him, spending time connecting ect...

I can also relate to a lot of what you said. I have always wondered why so many people had the opportunity to SA me. 3 that I remember, my mom told me that I told her of another one when I was younger but I have no recollection of that one.

Just know that you are not alone in this. You have nothing to be ashamed of; I am trying to believe that truth for myself as well.
Sending you a big safe hug (((((Treehouse))))

Some triggery points....




Treehouse, I am reluctant to say this because, well part of me doesn't like the "wow but look what happened to me" part of "telling", but perhaps this may help normalise your experiences. well normalised is said pretty lightly here, but you might get it. I as a child so desperate for love and attention would allow others to do what they wanted to me, and I smiled, a nervous sort of smile, because I felt it to be wrong/dirty, completely unable to understand it was love I was craving, and having been raised in neglectful abusive household, I'd come to learn that being "abused" was being "Noticed", so I went with it, even as far as one day being sodimised and being told to keep look out whilst it was happening. My keeping lookout has always made me feel very much PART OF IT, as if I was to blame, if I'd been a better person I would have refused and fought, but I wanted attention, it seemed to add up at the time. Now I'm able to see why things happened as they did, why I was so open to situations happening more than once to me. I'm ok with it today. BUT getting to this ok point took a long time and a lot of "why did I do it?" "I need someone better then who I am to forgive me", it happens you do heal, and it doesn't always hurt.

Good luck.

I am so grateful that the mods deleted the post with the story but let everything else stand, because everyone's support means a lot to me...

Luce, T hasn't pushed me to get to this point. We just kind of ended up here. We both want to slow down, for sure. T is a big believer in my "internal wisdom" and in me being in charge of the journey. HOWEVER, it is confusing and complicated when there is this whole system involved...like you said, if the young part wants to spill everything and the grown up part doesn't, and the young part DOES IT, then where does that leave us? T knows that internal communication is important but I can't tell if we're getting there or not....some parts of the process feel so slow and some parts of the process feel like an out of control freight train that is rushing at me at 68968059298 miles per hour.

Melbadaze and hanging on...thank you for sharing what happened to you...

The past couple of days feel kind of like a dream which probably means I'm shutting down and that's probably good.

(((((treehouse))))))))))))))))))) sending you carrying thoughts a hug
take your time with you ...know I care

i just had to write out my trauma history for T/SSDI and now my body is forcing a break by means of being sick.
trying to figure out why i am posting this....

Hi Tree,
I have been away and just catching up here. Don't know what else to say that hasn't already been said but want YOU to know that I too have been where you are right now. In fact almost exactly a year ago I had a falling out with T and I felt that he couldn't take my poison. I felt toxic, so I skipped a session or two because I believed we both needed a break. I think that Orange had some good points because the self loathing comes because of external forces that we internalized when we were very very little. Maybe at some point you can call T and try to talk some of this through.

In the meanwhile, I agree that shutting down is not such a bad thing right now because it sounds as if your system is over stimulated. You probably need some good old fashioned rest right now. Take gentle care of you.

I agree with Miss C- take good gentle care of yourself Tree.....

Tomorrow is Monday. I assume T will be back in the office. I have NO IDEA if he will call me or not call me, and it's weird. I don't even know which one I want. The thought of him calling me is scary...and then thought of him not calling me is kind of scary too.

I don't think he'll call. I don't expect him to chase me down, at all. I am a grown up and if I want to see him I can call and make an appointment.

I feel a weird combination of isolated and safe. Seems very familiar.

I am a grown up and if I want to see him I can call and make an appointment.

I have to say- this is a thought that absolutely plagues me iabout therapy. Am I a grown up? I am age-wise. I am married with a bunch of kids to be responsible for but who is doing the feeling and talking in therapy? Is it a grown up or a small child? I so understand the feeling of being a grown up and being able to call to make an appt but also being a little hurting girl who wants to be cared for. To want him to call to help that small girl.

I feel a weird combination of isolated and safe. Seems very familiar.

Sigh

Sounds familiar to me, too -- and for me at least, that's not at all a bad place to be.

Hi clk6, I don't believe we've met before.
Can't you be both?

(((((Treehouse))))
Just wanted to leave you some hugs and let you know I'm still here.

Treehouse, I can really relate to that runaway freight train feeling. It was like that for me in T for a long time too, and it is SCARY.
I like how you know that right now you need to 'step off the train' and get away from it for a while. Maybe that is simply what you need to do for you right now.
I am sure you know that you can 'get back on again' any time you want to as well. Whether T calls you tomorrow or not, I am sure he will be waiting for you when you are ready to return.
Take it easy, Treehouse. Your emotional safety is paramount in this process, and I think it's wonderful that you are doing what you need to do for you.