[Christina86]

Honestly...

So, I'm not able to see T for likely a month due to my lack of finances... not a problem, I can deal with not seeing her for a while, it does suck but it's NOT the end of the world when I can't see T...

So I call her and leave a message telling her this briefly, apologizing and saying I'll call her in September.

She calls me back. We have a discussion, where she basically invalidates my feelings towards my dad, because apparently I should be *grateful* that he's paid off my line of credit (and closed it, causing my lack of finances)!!

Sigh. Yeah, he paid it off so that's less to worry about...

And yet MORE. She says "well, I wish *I* had someone willing to pay off 15K of my student debt!"

Once again NOT THE POINT. He was emotionally manipulating and controlling me via my line of credit. And apparently, she thinks I should be HAPPY that he's paid it off, and just forgive him?

Blargh. Oh, if looks could kill via the phone...

Then she's all like "well, you can journal, and read those notes we've made before in sessions" and that she'll look forward to our next meeting together.

And then she's confused me by offering an email address to reach her. But it's not confidential b/c it's shared by all the T's at her organization, you just put "ATTN: T's name" in the subject line and only she'll read it. Or something like that... maybe it gets automatically forwarded to her account, I dunno.

But I'm confused about how I'm "allowed" to feel, how I'm "supposed" to feel and how the heck am I supposed to know what I can and cannot write to her via email...

And I'm not particularly happy at all right now.

I hate trying to establish boundaries and stuff... I don't understand where they're supposed to BE in my life?!!

And on another unrelated topic...

11 days until my pdoc wants to meet with ME and my PARENTS (well, my mother and stepdad). In a ROOM. TOGETHER. He wants to tell them to be more supportive of my academic pursuits and to not epically fail at supporting me...

But eep. My mother isn't so bad. But me, in a room, with my pdoc, with my STEPDAD is scaring the crap out of me. Since pdoc knows that stepdad is the one responsible for abuse in my past... and nobody else knows in my family.



I think I'm going to go crazy.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Christina86

So I call her and leave a message telling her this briefly, apologizing and saying I'll call her in September.

Why were you apologizing? You didn't do anything wrong.

Blargh. Oh, if looks could kill via the phone...

I think it is really hard to do phone therapy. Neither person can see the other and tell from their body language and expressions on their face what they are thinking and feeling. Misunderstandings ensue. I bet if you had had this conversation in person, it would have gone differently. Maybe just chalk this up to the phone and try not to have important conversations that way again. Hope you can sort this out next time with her.

If it were me, I would just use the email for business stuff like rescheduling an appointment. Since the email is not confidential, you shouldn't put anything in it that you wouldn't be comfortable with everyone seeing.

11 days until my pdoc wants to meet with ME and my PARENTS (well, my mother and stepdad). In a ROOM. TOGETHER. He wants to tell them to be more supportive of my academic pursuits and to not epically fail at supporting me...

Hmmmm, I wonder why he isn't trying to empower you to get what you need from them by talking with them yourself? It seems a little knight-in-shining-armorish.

But eep. My mother isn't so bad. But me, in a room, with my pdoc, with my STEPDAD is scaring the crap out of me. Since pdoc knows that stepdad is the one responsible for abuse in my past... and nobody else knows in my family.

Christina, you don't have to agree to meet with your mom, stepdad, and pdoc. Tell him this is a bad idea, is too stressful, too damaging, will not be therapeutic, etc. You are in control of your sessions. pdoc does not get to decide who attends and who doesn't. Don't do it if it is not right. Only you know. Tell pdoc.

[jacq10]

(((((((((((((((Christina))))))))))))))

I'm sorry to hear that you are frustrated and feeling invalidated by nonetheless.. your T!

Sounds as though you have a lot going on in respect to therapy.... know that I'm here if you ever want to chat.

Thinking of you....

[deliquesce]

err... sometimes i wonder if we live in a parallel universe re: our pdocs. my pdoc has offered the same thing before (get mum + dad in, kick em up the arse & tell them to be supportive re: uni) but i refused because i was too scared of the consequences. also pdoc knows about the abuse history, and that makes me really uncomfortable. but mainly it's that i like my pdoc lots, and i know that dad will disparage him afterwards, and i would not handle that well.

point being: go with what feels right. i've come to accept that my parents can't/won't support uni stuff. it's not ok (i still get sad about it), but it's not vital to me continuing on at uni.

re: your T. sounds really difficult. my dad often tries to pay things off on my behalf because that way he gets to control the outcome e.g., the latest thing is that he wants to pay my dog's vet bills, because that way he gets a choice about which vet we take her to & if we give her meds. now that i've figured out that he does this to be a bit controlling, i've also wisened up and have learnt to say 'no'. i am on a disability pension myself, so it's not an easy thing to say, but i also have a credit card and it's easy enough to justify going into debt over my puppy.

if i recall correctly you are also over 18 - could you not get your own credit/loan out?

((((((((((((((((((christina)))))))))))))))))))

First of all, here are some .

About your pdoc...you do NOT have to bring mom and step dad in to see pdoc. This maybe something he suggested, but you absolutely do not have to do it. At different times in my therapy when my T thought I needed extra suport, he has asked me to bring in my H or my best friend, and I have absolutely refused...and those are two people that I am comfortable with, who haven't abused me, who really do support me. If he asked me to bring an abuser in...there is just NO WAY I would do it. It's your therapy. You only have to do what you are comfortable with.

Second. I SO hear you on the money thing. Like Deli's dad, and your dad, my mom has always used money to try to control me. It sounds like maybe your T didnt "get" where you were coming from about the whole thing...like she was thinking how *she* would feel in that situation and assuming you'd feel the same way. Maybe, like sunny said, some communication was just lost over the phone. Or maybe she needs you to really tell her how YOU feel. My mom gave me a pretty large amount of money out of the blue last year ($5000) and I hated it and couldn't figure out what to do. T totally got it, but he was like "take it"!. He did help me change my attitude about it - I could take it AND not let her control me. So, his attitude kind of helped me change my attitude about it...I wonder if that's what T was trying to do for you, but it didn't work because it was over the phone?

The GOOD thing is that you are so aware of how you are feeling about both of these situations. I hope you can hang onto those feelings - because they are your feelings, and they make sense - and you can assert what YOU need with T and with Pdoc.

It would feel so so so SO much better if everything just would fall into place for us. But sometimes we have to fight for it. Fighting for it will make you stronger, even though it's no fun.

Lots of to you!

[deliquesce]

((((christina))))) -- sorry, i forgot to add hugs earlier .

also, typing on too much caffeine/not enough sleep, so sorry if this (and earlier) post sounds really abrupt/judgemental/bossy.

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Why were you apologizing? You didn't do anything wrong.

I apologized for not being able to make it to my session. I admit, I'd take responsibility for the sun shining or it raining if I could... I just felt bad that I couldn't make it to my session with her (it would be this next week).

I think it is really hard to do phone therapy. Neither person can see the other and tell from their body language and expressions on their face what they are thinking and feeling. Misunderstandings ensue.

I hate the phone. Apparently I have a nice attitude/phone voice, but I LOVE the physical connectedness, and you can't get via a phone! It probably was a misunderstanding.

If it were me, I would just use the email for business stuff like rescheduling an appointment. Since the email is not confidential, you shouldn't put anything in it that you wouldn't be comfortable with everyone seeing.

Oh yeah... that's my huge concern. I mean, she's told me that if I email her she WILL email me back, but what do I say, honestly? I'll just go without, thanks. And suggest you get your own private email.

Hmmmm, I wonder why he isn't trying to empower you to get what you need from them by talking with them yourself? It seems a little knight-in-shining-armorish.

I giggled. My problem is, is that I WONT talk to them. I'm scared of it becoming an argument and if it's on "neutral" territory, maybe my family will play nice. Maybe. I hate arguments. I know that without them at least being told what *I* want, that I'll continue to be a doormat. But my family scares me... but it feels weird, like they're invading my "safe space". Oh well, he could always psychoanalyze them and agree with me later that they're messed up.

Christina, you don't have to agree to meet with your mom, stepdad, and pdoc.

Thanks for this. Saying "no" is hard for me, and people telling me I'm allowed to at times is nice...

I think what I'm going to do is just invite my mother. She's easier to deal with and doesn't drive me completely bonkers.

Thanks lovely woman!

Originally Posted by jacq10

(((((((((((((((Christina))))))))))))))

I'm sorry to hear that you are frustrated and feeling invalidated by nonetheless.. your T!

Jacq, thanks for always being a supportive friend. I you.

Originally Posted by deliquesce

err... sometimes i wonder if we live in a parallel universe re: our pdocs. my pdoc has offered the same thing before (get mum + dad in, kick em up the arse & tell them to be supportive re: uni) but i refused because i was too scared of the consequences. also pdoc knows about the abuse history, and that makes me really uncomfortable. but mainly it's that i like my pdoc lots, and i know that dad will disparage him afterwards, and i would not handle that well.

OMIGOSH. That's part of what I'm afraid of... my family always "trash talks" people who I like... and it makes me so depressed afterward... Wow. Parallel universe, eh? LOL!

if i recall correctly you are also over 18 - could you not get your own credit/loan out?

I'm not thinking the loan would work, since I don't make a lot of money from social assistance... but perhaps another credit card. I got a tip about how to manage my credit card debt for the time being from someone who has been in my shoes before, so that was a good talk today.

Thank you for your thoughts and wisdom Miss Deliquesce

Originally Posted by treehouse

It's your therapy. You only have to do what you are comfortable with.

What if my "comfort zone" is a rut that I can't get out of unless I'm forced to do something I'm scared of - like this?

I wonder if that's what T was trying to do for you, but it didn't work because it was over the phone?

She was trying to change my attitude... I never did like CBT type things. I'm too stubborn for my own good sometimes... sighs. I guess she kinda did change my attitude, but I'm still a bit irked at Dad. (Who I told not to call me for a week, and it's now been TWO and he's not called. Emotional manipulation, anyone!? He's waiting until I call him. He can bite me. I'm not nice...)

The GOOD thing is that you are so aware of how you are feeling about both of these situations. I hope you can hang onto those feelings - because they are your feelings, and they make sense - and you can assert what YOU need with T and with Pdoc.

Oh feelings, how I loathe you. I suck at keeping them and usually at labelling them... blah.

Thank you treehouse, you always give me much to think about lovely woman.

Originally Posted by deliquesce

also, typing on too much caffeine/not enough sleep, so sorry if this (and earlier) post sounds really abrupt/judgemental/bossy.

Abrupt is good sometimes.
Judgemental, you were not.
Bossy, not that either.

Ahhhhhh, and I've totally been in the "not enough sleep & too much caffeine" frame of mind on many occassions... not a lot of fun!! GO TO SLEEP. (See, that's bossy. )

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Christina86

We have a discussion, where she basically invalidates my feelings towards my dad, because apparently I should be *grateful* that he's paid off my line of credit...

And yet MORE. She says "well, I wish *I* had someone willing to pay off 15K of my student debt!"

(((((((Christina)))))))

It sounds to me as if your T is getting sucked into her own stuff and, yes, invalidating you for not appreciating something that she'd like to have for reasons of her own. I'm going to suggest, only half in jest, something I've mentioned elsewhere: straighten her out and send her a bill for your services.

Originally Posted by Christina

He was emotionally manipulating and controlling me via my line of credit.

Originally Posted by deli

my dad often tries to pay things off on my behalf because that way he gets to control the outcome...

The summer between high school and college, when I'd just started my first summer job, my dad offered to pay me an equivalent amount not to work. I turned him down for several good (in retrospect) reasons: I wanted the work experience. I liked what I was learning there. The people I was working for were good teachers and quite supportive. I much preferred working to, say, moping around the house not feeling like doing much of anything.

Above all, I knew from previous experience that if the money came from my dad he'd soon take it on himself to tell me how I could and couldn't spend it or, if he thought it necessary (not at all hard to imagine), eventually threaten to cut it off.

And then she's confused me by offering an email address to reach her... But it's not confidential b/c it's shared by all the T's at her organization, you just put "ATTN: T's name" in the subject line and only she'll read it.

Assuming that you get the other thing resolved and even want to stay with her -- what if you were to e-mail to that account that you had something you wanted to write her about -- privately -- and ask how to proceed? At worst, if she insisted on your e-mailing to the joint account or not at all, you could leave her biting her nails wondering what it could be that you weren't telling her. <-- evil grin

But I'm confused about how I'm "allowed" to feel, how I'm "supposed" to feel and how the heck am I supposed to know what I can and cannot write to her via email...

Good. I say you quite properly should be confused and I'm pleased to see you actively addressing these issues. How you're allowed to feel depends entirely on who allows you and on who's allowing them to allow you. Your T has invalidated your experience; you're not allowed to realize that but you do anyway, you're kicking back, and she doesn't like it (or probably won't, when you first set her straight). Likewise, as you're starting to realize, how you're "supposed" to feel depends entirely on who's doing the supposing. Good on ya!

And I'm not particularly happy at all right now.

I hate trying to establish boundaries and stuff... I don't understand where they're supposed to BE in my life?!!

You're doing important work on the very stuff that seems to have kept you from being happy before. There's no need at all to feel happy while you work on it -- except, of course, when you actually do.

Originally Posted by Christina

And on another unrelated topic...

11 days until my pdoc wants to meet with ME and my PARENTS (well, my mother and stepdad). In a ROOM. TOGETHER. He wants to tell them to be more supportive of my academic pursuits and to not epically fail at supporting me...

But eep. My mother isn't so bad. But me, in a room, with my pdoc, with my STEPDAD is scaring the crap out of me. Since pdoc knows that stepdad is the one responsible for abuse in my past... and nobody else knows in my family.

Originally Posted by deli

my pdoc has offered the same thing before (get mum + dad in, kick em up the arse & tell them to be supportive re: uni) but i refused because i was too scared of the consequences. also pdoc knows about the abuse history, and that makes me really uncomfortable. but mainly it's that i like my pdoc lots, and i know that dad will disparage him afterwards, and i would not handle that well.

Have both of you made your concerns clear to your respective pdocs, and are you satisfied that they're prepared to handle the whole thing appropriately, including any blowback or other consequences?

(((((((Christina))))))) (((((((deli)))))))

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Christina86

What if my "comfort zone" is a rut that I can't get out of unless I'm forced to do something I'm scared of - like this?

Be scared, and do it anyway? If you're working on invalidation and noticing you have a talent for spotting it faster than the average normal dullard, why should you be required to adapt to your T's comfort zone instead of following your weird?

Oh feelings, how I loathe you. I suck at keeping them and usually at labelling them... blah.

May I suggest a label? How about, embarrassment at finding out you're more perceptive than your T?