[Melbadaze]

Well yesterdays last session wasn't one of the best...then again is therapy about being "best" sessions? This yr I seem to have gone back a step...I told T yesterday that it was survival why I came to the last session...believe me if I could have not come I would have done...but I'm made back to front....I always seem to have to run toward pain and never from it....not a conscious choice!!!....Of course this last session triggers my abandonment at birth and dream the night before was of T suddenly changing from her normal black clothing to wearing a veil....and I was curled up fetal position and there were all this foreign accents going on around me and I just wanted to get out of that...felt my needing her...wanting to be with her was being mocked...but I couldn't move...T said I think thats about suddenly getting a new mother who you didn't recognize (the veil) and the change in voices (foreign accents) of your new family and being curled is being very young and vunrable....she said I know you dont like that word...funny its only now that I find perhaps that a little comforting...her mentioning me not liking that word...tells me she knows that about me....I told her I could have come and used our last session together differently...but I can't...I just can't let my wall down....she said it seems this original abandonment was so totally life destroying that your defense is total....I nodded yes, I guess it is....I said it feels torturous being here today....she said does it help if it were torturous for us both? I looked at her and said how can it be, its me being dumped....I know, I know, but thats just how I felt....I told her last yr I tried to keep remembering her consciously, this yr I want to forget her consoiusly...infact I think the last session is always the worse part...I know I do survive the break...theres always that lingering sadness in the background though.....I've booked up to go away the week after next...I just can't bear to sit home and dwell this yr...perhaps thats a difference?? I don't know....I think before I felt if I went anywhere but stay at home I may loose her...like I had some control over it...I know now that whether I go away or stay here makes no difference to her...perhaps thats a sign of seeing her as separate?? I dunno...just sad...but dont intend to try and force myself out of it.....shes back sept 7th...I might be cured by then??????????? blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[pachyderm]

Sounds as though you have a golden opportunity to go wild -- do something crazy, have fun. Treat yourself.

[ECHOES]

does it help if it were torturous for us both?

I love how your T responds to you.

whether I go away or stay here makes no difference to her

It does sound like an acknowledge of separateness. I don't know that it makes no difference to her because I don't know how she feels, but it sounds like you are seeing the separateness through her perspective, maybe an attempt to beging to internalize it.

I have also had the experience of feeling that leaving home meant leaving or losing her. And when you think of 'home' being a metaphor for the mind, it can also mean that not thinking of her can feel like losing her too.

I think it is so fun that she will send you a postcard

[hangingon]

Very interesting that you say leaving home makes it feel like you are leaving her. Maybe something like that is going on with me as well as I leave on vacation next week.

When my T went away I was so worried about her. Like what if something happened. I attributed that to losing my mom last year.

Now I am leaving on vacation soon and am all worried about it. That there is more safety at home ect. I don't like the fact that I will be missing a session with my therapist as well after she had already been away for almost 3 weeks.

Just want you to know that I can relate. I have serious abandonment issues as well, to the point that I don't think I have ever really connected with anyone apart from surface level. I know its the way I protect myself even if it's not healthy.

I hope it is different this time around for you. Maybe it will go by really quickly !!!

Melbadaze

Hang in there! I see my T on Monday, and then she'll be gone until Sept. 8th. I'm not sure how I'm going to feel during that time, but we'll get through it together!

((((((((((((((((((((Melbadaze)))))))))))))))))))))

I think the last sesion before a break is the worst too. I'm ALWAYS tempted to cancel it.

Breaks just suck. That's all there is to it. I hope you are going somewhere fun the week after next Maybe that will help??

We're here, so vent all you want and let us support you

[emilyjeanne]

((((((((((((((Melbadaze))))))))))))) & ((((((((((((Dreamseeker)))))))))))))

I have to wait until Sept 9th for my T to return. I will sit here with you both.

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by hangingon

Very interesting that you say leaving home makes it feel like you are leaving her. Maybe something like that is going on with me as well as I leave on vacation next week.

When my T went away I was so worried about her. Like what if something happened. I attributed that to losing my mom last year.

Now I am leaving on vacation soon and am all worried about it. That there is more safety at home ect. I don't like the fact that I will be missing a session with my therapist as well after she had already been away for almost 3 weeks.

Just want you to know that I can relate. I have serious abandonment issues as well, to the point that I don't think I have ever really connected with anyone apart from surface level. I know its the way I protect myself even if it's not healthy.

I hope it is different this time around for you. Maybe it will go by really quickly !!!

Yes last yr I was worried about T's safety, this yr that doesn't seem to be such an issue...I do think theres a issue of control going on for me and T's coming and going as painful as it is, is natural and gradually I think it is rubbing off on me in as much as I want a full life like her too....before my life considered of, armchair and a can of beer....it was safe, I was in control of my imaginary kingdom where I guarded any emotion within me from coming to the surface...T's forcing me to move out of this safe zone of mine...can you imagine if our T's actually said, "You know, I can bear for you to hurt so much so I'll never take another break", gosh, that would be awful and only reinforce my own neuroiss...