Well, no call or e-mail from T today.

I thought I wouldn't care at all, but it does hurt. A lot.

I had sent him an e-mail letting him know what's going on. That I feel all turned inside-out and that he can see how dirty and disgusting and unworthy and unacceptable I really am. That I feel like I am going to contaminate him - he is so good. That I am somehow dangerous. That part of me wants to see him, part of me wants to run away, part of me wants to protect him.

His response? Nothing.

Did I ASK for a response? No, I didn't. Not to my phone message canceling my appointments and not to my e-mail. So he won't respond.

He and I have talked in the past about our shared fear that if I cancel an appointment (or two in this case) it will be way too easy for me to cancel the next one and the next one and the next one, and that will be that.

I am SO SAD. I feel like I'm being crushed under a million pounds of something. I want T to reach out and say "you're not dangerous, you're not dirty, I'm not scared of being contaminated by you", but he's not going to.

And how can I feel those things and reach out to HIM?

I guess that's just it. I feel like I will never ever ever feel okay again, I have never felt this sad and scared and alone.

I know people will say to call T, but I know he IS sick of me, and I just can't force him to talk to me. It feels yucky.

There aren't even words to describe how I feel. I just want to disappear.

And I just want to add that I feel so stupid for believing in something that wasn't real.

I didn't know I could hurt this much.

[googley]

(((((((Treehouse))))))
I'm so sorry you are feeling so awful.
I don't know where you are located, but is the day done there? I remember your T calling you late at night before. It could be that he doesn't have the time he wants to be able to talk to you between clients, and so wants to wait to talk to you until the end of the day so he can give you all the time you need. He may feel that a short chat between his clients wont be enough.

If it is the end of the day; it seems to me that you two have an understanding that he only calls you if you ask him to. In any of your messages did you ask him to call back? If not, he may be respecting the space he feels you want by not calling since you didn't ask. He is great, but he can't read your mind! He may feel it is better to wait until you ask him to call. You could call or email and ask him to call you. Then you would know for sure that he knows you want him to call. You don't have to get into all of your feelings about him and yourself if you just leave a really quick message asking for him to call.

Know that you are not alone because we are here with you.

[snow77]

treehouse, I know nothing I say will really help but I just wanted to say I am so sorry your therapist has not got back to you. Do you have to ask him to reply and if you dont ask he wont reply? If this is the case then calling him will be the only way you will know what he thinks for sure instead of just being left with what you think he thinks, I am sure you know this. Maybe just sending another email with please reply to my last mail would do?
I really hope you manage to reach out to him or someone eles who could support you at this time.
Take care
Snow

[sittingatwatersedge]

keeping you in my prayers Tree.

[Foomph]

He's not sick of you. It could be any number or things going on in his life right now that are leading him to not responding to you. but let's say, hypothetically, that there isn't really anything stopping him from contacting you, then maybe he is just waiting for YOU to make he right decision for yourself. Whether that is taking a break for a week or two, or to go back to therapy. Let us know what happens!

What's happening is I'm in a whirlwind of bad coping skills that are actually helping me feel better, or at least number.

Relief.

[MissCharlotte]

And how can I feel those things and reach out to HIM?

Well, you could call and say :

I want T to reach out and say "you're not dangerous, you're not dirty, I'm not scared of being contaminated by you",

Then he WILL call because you asked.

((((((((((((((((((tree))))))))))))))))

Do it. It's self care.

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

Then he WILL call because you asked.

I did say in my e-mail that I really needed to talk to him.

So.

[MissCharlotte]

I did say in my e-mail that I really needed to talk to him.

But that is not saying that you need him to reach out to you. You need to say those words. "T, I need you to call me and tell me I am not repulsive."

I AM SENDING YOU HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGS RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!!

XOXOXOXO

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

You need to say those words. "T, I need you to call me and tell me I am not repulsive."

But how can he do that if it is not true??

He knows that the one thing that is a HUGE deal to me in therapy is that he is always honest with me. And that's why he can't call right now. OMG.

[MINIME]

U are getting stuck in feelings that the best way imho is to ask him do u feel this way that way u can know for sure before u slide down that hill. Healthy people dont like someone one day and hate them the next. He is a healthy person. We r used to unhealthy people. Reach out tell him what u need. He may just be as confused as u. He may just need a light to find u on the path u r on.

Originally Posted by MINIME

Healthy people dont like someone one day and hate them the next. He is a healthy person. We r used to unhealthy people.

T has said that to me...you're right.

It just hurts SO MUCH that he hasn't replied to say that I'm NOT repulsive, disgusting, dangerous, dirty, unworthy, unsafe, unlovable. It hurts more than anything has ever hurt. I can't believe it.

Because if t, who knows me better than anyone, can't tell me that those things aren't true, then they are true.

And then what am I supposed to do?

[~EnlightenMe~]

You're NOT repulsive, disgusting, dangerous, dirty, unworthy, unsafe, unlovable.

Sweet tree,

Your mind is working overtime and you are spinning into infinity.

I KNOW IT'S VERY HARD TO DO THIS, because I have been there, but try real hard not to make a catastrophe out of this until you know for sure he is thinking the same as you.

He is a professional who has always done everything in your best interest. You need to try and find a middle ground here, to ride out this wave until you have more facts.

You THINK you know how he feels. That's not enough.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/wha...tastrophizing/

[rainbow8]

If T has a busy schedule today, he could be waiting until he has enough time to spend on the phone with you. Sometimes my T works straight through the day and can't call until after her last client.

You are NOT repulsive to your T or to anyone else!

Also my dear friend,

Please read this insightful reply you gave to another member in her time of need.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showp...92&postcount=2

[sittingatwatersedge]

Tree -

now hear this - You are certainly not repulsive, disgusting, dangerous, dirty, unworthy, unsafe, unlovable.

[MINIME]

He probably has told u that before. U need to find that answer from u. U need that from u more then u need it from him. He has shown u time and again he cares values u ect. Maybe the answer has to come from u first now. U need to believe in your worth and beauty and he could tell u a hundred times but u would stil need to ask another time. This is a pivitol time in ur healing u have to choose what u believe about u so that when he tells u again u will know it to be the truth. Its a good hard time place u r in but its like a baby chick breaking out of its egg. Dont give up break that egg and see the world. This can be a powerful moment in ur life. I had to just do this also.

just to update, i did call t and leave a message. i don't know what i said. i think i said i wanted him to call me and that i am sad. i think i cried. i think i told him that i was afraid he didn'tcall because the things in the email are true andhe can't call and notbe honest.
i give up for now. i'm tired.

I am so glad you called him and I am sure he will call you back as soon as he can. Just remember, he didn't LET you go, YOU left on your own.

He doesn't feel those horrible things about you that you said and neither do we! Your T has been amazing, all the great things you told us about what he does. I wish I had your T!

All this stuff you are going through is normal, you are reacting from the past of a unnormal situation and probably just feeling all the old stuff that you weren't safe to feel before. Don't be so hard on yourself! :-)

Hugs,
Exotic

Originally Posted by exoticflower

\ Just remember, he didn't LET you go, YOU left on your own.

oh i know. i just meant he was letting me leave.

i'm ok now

I just want to apologize. I KNOW I am spiraling.

I feel so confused right now and don't know if I can put a coherent thought together - but I'll try.

I think I've read - in PMs here from friends and from outside reading - that there is a point in working through CSA where the grief of all of it really hits. I read somewhere that it's almost worse than the fact of the CSA itself...the fact that your childhood was basically stolen from you and that THERE IS NO WAY TO EVER GET IT BACK.

I've worked so hard for so many years to just push it all away - the emotional/physical abuse from my mom, the CSA stuff, the rape. I pushed it away for a long time by drinking, but I gave that up about 4 1/2 years ago. So the past 4 1/2 years have been this gradual process of acknowledging and accepting the things that happened to me.

I spent a long time with T telling him "I don't WANT it. I want you to make it go away". I begged him to make it go away. I still wish it would go away, but it just is what it is.

And the horrible part about not pushing it away anymore is that all of this other stuff comes rushing in. Now that I'm not using my energy to push it away, it's like the floodgates have opened and all of the feelings...dirty, bad, unlovable, dangerous, ruined, stupid, etc...that i have about myself are just pouring out. It's the most painful thing I've ever felt. It's more painful than the abuse...I just split off during that, and watched it happen. I can't get away from this.

And it's overwhelming me and I don't know what to do with it. I used lots of my bad coping skills today, and found out that they just provide a "break"...the bad thoughts and feelings about myself keep coming back. I've never felt anything like it and now I know what I've been running from for all of these years.

T called and left a message. He said "it sounds like what we need to do is set up a time when we can speak for a bit". He said he will call back between clients if he has time, and if not, maybe this evening. I'm scared, really scared. Because I don't know what he is going to say. What I am SCARED of is that he will say that yes, this has really gotten to be too much. He told me that 30- 50% of his caseload has always been people recovering from childhood trauma. So what I HOPE is that what I am going through is normal, and that he will accept it, and accept me, and still let me be his client. What I am AFRAID OF is that I am in trouble.

I'm going to try to not think about it. But it's hard.

[ECHOES]

((((( tree )))))

I keep coming to read the updates and I was confident T would call, because of how you have described this close relationship you and he have and that I think will blaze right through this to the other side

It sounds like he is showing gentle concern and caring by calling to connect with you, to let you know he hears you and is there for you, to give you that to hold on to until you and he can have dedicated and uninterrupted time to talk.

Keep looking for the stars, tree.

[Brightheart]

(((((Tree)))))

Hang in there. I'm so glad T returned your call. Feeling harmful is a wrenchingly painful human experience. You are not harmful. Your T cares about you and accepts you just the way you are.

Feel better soon.