T is letting me go

Treehouse... I soooo hate the mental noise and my own dirty little ***** loop. I'm getting better now at not getting so sucked into it. But it is still there and when I do the spiral starts. Last week I got into some pretty deep stuff actually IN my session. One interesting side-effect of my increased comfort with my T is that I've started to drift into this loop while in the session. Before it usually only happened when I was alone after the session. During my last session I started to get sucked into the loop and T kind of got me out of it with some redirection and that eye movement stuff. After I settled, we then chatted about me getting sucked into the mental noise. She suggested that when the loop plays, for me to immediately just start looking around the room. It sounds stupid but for me it seems to help keep me from getting sucked into the noise. I don't know if it would help you, but moving my eyes around helps me stop the loop...probably because it makes me dizzy... but whatever.

Another thing that helps me is: I often feel all the things you describe and think that others see me as being that too. But then I ask myself..."Is there ANYONE whom I've met over the course of my life that I've judged to be like that?" My answer is always, NO!. I don't even see my abusers as being that disgusting. So then I have to ask, "If, cold-hearted, egotistical me has never felt this way about anyone, what is the likelihood that others who seem a lot nice and caring could think of me this way? NOT likely.

((((((Tree)))))) I'm glad he returned your call. Hope you feel better soon

(((((((((tree))))))))

i'm so glad you called t. that was super brave. you're not in trouble with him. he loves you tree. and he doesn't think you're bad or dirty or all those other things you think. that is what you think right now and he will help you see that that is all a bunch of bullcrap from your abuse. shame is something i've been working on and it is sooooooo painful to feel. i can only do a tiny bit at a time. but it makes me mad because we've believed these stupid lies that we are awful when we did nothing wrong. we subconsciously tell ourselves that somehow we must have done something to cause all the abuse because it gives us a sense of control. yeah right. the sad truth is we were victims of abuse and there is no way we could have stopped it. it is not our fault. it is not your fault tree. you are a beautiful, loving, kind, funny person tree. no one here thinks you are all those other bad things you said and we all know your past too. t is no different. he loves you - all of you. and so do we.

(((((tree)))))

oh, sweetie . i have my fingers crossed that T has called and spoken to you properly by now. all of us on the outside know he still loves you.

for what it's worth... i remember straight after i told pdoc about the csa it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. i felt so light and carefree and happy. and then some time in the following week, my demons came back and started telling me all the things you are hearing right now. i tried to quit so many times with pdoc. but he understood what was happening and would gently (but persistently!) keep calling back and work it through with me. there was a period of about a month where i was trying to "quit" at least once or twice a week before our next session. it was awful. pure agony. but pdoc kept staying with me, and now i'm starting to feel secure with him again.

i am still really sensitive to him rejecting me (when will he decide he's had enough?) but at least i can show up to our appts again and contain things ok between sessions. that's what scared me the most about the aftermath of my disclosure - just how much i lost the ability to do things how i usually would (stuff it down) and had to turn to my bad coping skills (self harm, ed) to keep ok. i'm out of that now, thank god. last week i was even able to show up to our appt without ringing him to confirm it was still on. so i'm making progress.

i'm just sharing because i want you to know that i think what you are going through is normal. you said T has had maybe half his clients dealing with similar stuff. pdoc has only mentioned maybe 4 or 5 clients in his years of working as a pdoc, and he's still so understanding. so imagine how much more experience your T has, and given that pdoc hasn't abandoned me, how unlikely it will be that T will reject you.

We talked for about 20 minutes. I tried to explain how I feel. I don't know if he heard me. We talked about whether I should come tomorrow, I think, but I can't decide anything right now. I got the feeling in the end that he just wanted to get a promise from me that I would come so I wouldn't "harm myself" (his words) between now and then.

I think he said all the right things?? Although I can't remember a lot. I feel bad because I told him that I used my bad coping stuff today I probably shouldn't have told.

He did say he doesn't think I'm bad or ugly or fat or dangerous. And he did say he's not going to refer me.

He said it's hard for me to hear the purity of what he is saying when he tells me he cares about me, etc. because of all the **** in my head, and his job is to help make that **** go away.

I can't remember what else he said. I just want to magically feel better, but obviously that's not going to happen. T said the only way to keep moving forward is to keep moving forward, and the only way he knows how to do that is in the room, together.

((((Tree)))))
I'm so glad that you were able to talk for a period with your T. I am also glad that you told him about using your bad coping skills. It can help him know what is going on, and how bad you are feeling. Even though you don't believe that you remember everything he said when you were on the phone it is okay. You were able (hopefully) feel reconnected. I think you should take advantage of his offer of a session tomorrow. You have been having such a hard time over the last couple of days. I think you deserve that extra time with your T to help you feel connected to him after his being gone. Please take gentle care of yourself! We care about you also. You are our wonderful caring awesome Treehouse. We want what is best for you.

((((((Tree))))) Im just catching up now on all of the posts.

The last sentence you said is what said it all. Simple, he cares, really really cares. He wants you to be safe. He wants to help you get through this. He wants to do it in the room together. In other words, dont leave Tree, you can be scared but come and I will help you.

I still say he an amazing t. And you are really and truly cared for for who you are no matter how you think of yourself or what noise goes on in your head.

((((((((Tree))))) Go see him tomorrow

I do think this is beautiful. And I do know you are brave.

Peace

You know, in the 20 minutes we talked, I know there wasn't a lot of silence,so we must have been talking the whole time, but this is what really stuck with me: the part when T was telling me that he cares, that I am NOT the things I think I am (before he said that, he asked "are you really listening?")...and he said that the purity of what he was saying was getting lost in the **** in my head. Like...really? Purity? So he really means it and just isn't saying it?

Trying really, really, really, really hard to let that soak in somehow.

((((((((((((((((((((((((Treehouse)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am sorry i havnt been here for you as you ahve often been for me

T does care a lot for you silly - you know that 0- he has proved it over and over again

you are not dirty or disgusting - you are a wonderful kind loving person and i am sorry you are going through this an dthat the voices fromthe past and the insecurity demon have been biting at you

Let us know how your T visit goes and when youa re going and how you are ... I wll sti with you till then and be in your pocket if you need to tak emet oT with you - get a big pocket cos there would be a lot of pocket riders loooking to come wiht you

this stuff - its so hard - and it hurts like crazy - but you survived what happened and you can survive the memories - you are strong - and if youare not strong enough we willhold you up till you can stand on your own - your friend P7

AND... this may be one of those growth things we all hate so much. T may WANT to call so bad (I haven't read this whole thing yet, i am waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay behind) but maybe T needs YOU to grow to him - take the big leap; the baby bird jumping out of the TREEHOUSE and using her wings. T's all know that at some point we all reach this (looks around cautiously, i haven't reached this yet *gulp*) and they have to sit by and wait and HOPE we pick up the phone and return.

"If you love something/someone, you have to let it go. If it/she/he loves you back, it/she/he will return."

I am SO glad you both talked. I really hope you can find it in you to go, and to listen to his words.
(((((((((((((((((((Tree!!!!)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Yay!!! Yay for everyone in here seeing TRUTH for you when you could not!!!!
(((((((((((((((((((((TREE)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

My therapist wants me to make my own decisions about when to end therapy if I choose to do so tomorrow or in a couple of years. She says it is ultimately up to me. Because of abuse issues in my past and my inability to ask for what I need she is always trying to get me to ask her directly for what I need. When I phone her and leave her a message but do not ask for a phone call back she respects that and does not call back. I know she cannot read my mind and if I want her to call back and do not let her know that well that is my fault because she always calls back if I ask her to. So when you call your therapist and say you are quitting and you don't ask for a call back he is probably doing what my therapist does and that is allowing me (the adult) make decisions on my own. I think it is better to say goodbye in person and not in some emotional phone message. You may not really want to end the relationship but may need a break from it all and he should respect that.

((((((((((((((((( treehouse )))))))))))))))))

Apologize? At least some of us are deeply honored that you've chosen us for your spiraling companions.

I wouldn't know about CSA specifically, but that makes sense for everything else that I'm the least bit familiar with. To me, it says you've successfully worked your way up to this point because you're ready to let it come.
That may be true, strictly speaking -- but there's seldom much use in speaking strictly to me. I happen to like my second childhood way better than my first. From what you've said, I'd expect you to feel the same way eventually.

Yes. Perfect! Now just keep up the good work.

Can you just let it swirl around your knees and flow on its way -- including the pain? You already know on some level that it's just stuff, that you called it up because you were ready to, and that there's nothing you need to do but watch it flow by -- and of course keep taking care of yourself.

... And it sounds to me as though you're noticing that that's all they are -- thoughts and feelings. Your thoughts and feelings. At times you've sounded pretty sure that your T had to be thinking and feeling the same things about you, but from even the least distance it's quite obvious that they'd appear believable only for someone right smack in the middle of them: that's you. Your next job is not to believe (or disbelieve) them, just acknowledge them and let them flow.

I used to be afraid of being in trouble that way, but somehow the actual trouble never panned out. I think I used to give myself a considerably harder time trying to avoid trouble like that, than the actual trouble ever gave me or possibly could give me. I'd be more than willing to bet that the same will turn out to be true for you. I recommend not taking me up on it; it's not a fair bet.

However much you may hate it at times -- keep up the good work. It's also perfectly OK not to hate it. In that case, keep up the good work anyway.

I love this guy.

(((((Treehouse)))))

I know how much you're struggling right now. Just want you to know you're in my thoughts. Things are going to be OK.

Wow treehouse, it sounds like you have an unbelievable number of people in here that truly care for you and certainly don't believe the things you tell yourself. And you have a very caring T - that whole "the only way I know how to do that is in this room" (or something like that) was just wow...

I'm not entirely sure of the situation, but from what I can gather, it sounds like a push-pull thing that I tend to do A LOT! I let someone through the chink in my armor, like you did in exposing those huge csa feelings, then panic that they can't handle it. So I push them away (before they can run away screaming into the ether), which I tell myself hurts less in the long run, yet really really WANT them to know I didn't mean it, that I want to be looked after and reassured...but I can't tell them; I want them to psychically know somehow and take care of 'child' me. But if I can't tell them, then they can't know.

I think you were MASSIVELY brave in ringing T and asking for a call back - not something a lot of people could do under the circumstances, myself included! I think, like others have posted, that T was probably giving you space to deal with your feelings by yourself, instead of maybe rushing in prematurely when you could maybe handle it (?) and waiting for the 'adult' you to ask for what you needed, if and when.

The next step is to keep that appointment, when your entire body is screaming 'hide'. That will be tough, no denying it. And I may not know you, but I can still tell that you have the inner strength to see this to the end.

Good luck and many, many

*Willow*