[buffy2]

My husband and I have been seeing a therapist for over a year. I started the process because of years of verbal abuse-subtle but pervasive. In truth, I am done with this relationship but we have children and they are my primary concern. My husband is on his good guy behavior in therapy, bordering on the oh poor me.... He has used xanax for 25 years and has a drink or two every night.

I brought up this issue (drugs and alcohol) last week and was completely dismissed, invalidated on and on. She suggests that we are both very critical of each other. I agree this is true, but I have not been abusive and I have never, ever, checked out with drugs and alcohol. I have never, ever given up on my children as he has. I am so upset writing this. I would appreciate reading others thoughts. I am feeling right now that her dismissal and invalidation just represents more psychological abuse.
Thanks

[deliquesce]

i am not sure what to say re: your therapist. imho, one or two drinks does not constitute an "alcohol problem". but maybe that is the accepted culture over here. i dont know why your husband is taking xanax, but since it is a prescription drug, i would be questioning why he keeps getting prescribed it.

you obviously feel very strongly about his behaviour, and this checking out of his (through the use of alcohol & meds) is probably just scratching the surface. i dont know how your T usually responds when you are doing therapy with her - but if this is just a one-off incident where she did not agree with you, i would find it hard to label "psychological abuse". i do hope you go back and talk to your T about this, though. given that you have been living in a toxic environment for so long, i think it is understandable that maybe you are very sensitive to having your concerns dismissed.

for what it's worth - a different question altogether: if you are done with the relationship, then i'm confused about why you both are still in therapy together? you cannot control you husband's behaviour, so wouldn't it be more beneficial to focus on what you would now like and how to best support your kids?

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

if you are done with the relationship, then i'm confused about why you both are still in therapy together? you cannot control you husband's behaviour, so wouldn't it be more beneficial to focus on what you would now like and how to best support your kids?

I went through couples therapy with my H when we were working on getting divorced. My T calls it "uncoupling therapy." It is very useful in untying the knot and especially so when there are children involved. It sets the stage for effective co-parenting and a functional post-divorce family. Could be one of the best things I ever did in my life! Parents will need especially good communication skills once they are divorced. If nothing else, they can learn to communicate while in therapy. In cases where there is any kind of abuse (including verbal), the therapist can help the offender learn better ways to communicate. It's going to be hard to co-parent if one partner is verbally abusive! Plus, the verbal abuse could be targetted at the children too, so it is very important to solve that. The two parents may no longer be together, but the kids still will have relationships with both parents.

Buffy2, I would tell the therapist that you felt invalidated by her comments. See what she says. Couples therapists are used to dealing with this sort of dynamic ("splitting"). I would also raise the issue that you are puzzled by your H's behavior in session. Raise the "good guy in therapy issue" and see what your H says to your T about that.

The truth is, this "best behavior" in the presence of others phenomenon can be a good thing when you're going through a divorce. You will be around your therapist, your lawyers, etc. If your H behaves well in front of them, that can be very helpful.

[deliquesce]

thanks for explaining how it was for you, sunny. my impression was that buffy wasn't working towards a divorce though - i got the impression it was a bit of a no man's land?

but i think the issues you raised would be really great to work on, divorce or cohabiting or not.

[peaches100]

Hi Buffy,

I can tell that the therapist's words have really stirred up some painful feelings for you. I'm curious how you've come to the conclusion that your therapist has dismissed, invalidated, and psychologically abused you? From what you've posted, she said your husband and you were both critical toward one another. But I don't see where she has accused you of abusing drugs or alcohol or giving up on your kids. Did she accuse you of this? Or could you be assuming that's what she thinks? I know from experience that after years of living with invalidation, it's sometimes easy to see it where it actually isn't occuring.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

thanks for explaining how it was for you, sunny. my impression was that buffy wasn't working towards a divorce though - i got the impression it was a bit of a no man's land?

Whoops, sorry for reading too much into that. Buffy, when you wrote that you were done with the relationship, I thought it meant you were splitting up. If you are staying together, though, there is even more reason to work in therapy on all those issues. Hope you will check back in with us.