[deliquesce]

had session with Austin-T.

i went in knowing exactly what i needed from the session, and tried to spell it out to him so many times, but the silly bugger wasn't listening and kept trying to challenge my thoughts in ways which weren't useful. whatever.

i got really sad. i shut down. feel really alone again, and i'd been so hopeful before i saw him because i just knew this was the stuff he could really dig into and help me with.

this is stupid. maybe next week he would have reflected and come around to where i need him to be. but by then i'll be back to deli-the-independent, and i won't want to let him in anymore. don't ****ing need anyone anyway.

[FooZe]

(((((((deli)))))))

Thinking of you. Nothing to add, though, at the moment.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( deli )))))))))))))))

............ that stinks ................

and i hear you

Deli!!! ACK!

It's awful when we KNOW what we need and we try to tell T and we still can't get it. BLAH. Bad Austin-T.

I have had that happen with T, for sure. And I left session and got pissed and told him at the next session. And you know, he's T, so of course, he heard me, and got it, and apologized and all of that. And it helped, and he learned to pay better attention.

So, of course, I hope you will tell Austin-T that he totally didn't hear you. He needs to know, and you deserve to at least tell him that he pissed you off.

Blah. I'm sorry that happened.

[deliquesce]

i doubt i will tell Austin-T. i still dont trust him to be vulnerable with yet, y'see? i might tell pdoc tomorrow, but i havent seen him for 2 weeks and there is probably other stuff to talk about.

i guess it just surprised me. i didnt really get pissed off (although there was that) - but more depressed. and i was trying to figure out if it was just sadness, but it was that 'depression' sort of feeling - no hope, yeah? it surprises me how quickly i can switch into that.

i had so much i wanted to talk about today, but instead we got stuck on this one thing. it makes me question the point of continuing with Austin-T, if i'm meant to just keep positive and figure everything out on my own.

[imapatient]

Deli, harsh. But this isn't the first time this has happened with a T or pdoc is it? It happens at times for all of us. Sometimes T's and pdoc's are just off-track on a given day.

You don't judge a soccer player just on his most recent game, right (anecdotal evidence)? You look at how he's performing in general. You might be doing some black and white thinking.

What about writing Austin-T about the session to explain the general things you wanted to talk about, why they're important, etc. It probably would be counter-productive to unload on him about your anger and upset.

The goal should be to get him to think about your issues ahead of time so you can have a productive next session about those topics.

I think the full name for him in response to that last session is Austin-T the-gay-pornstar-dodo-head-therapist.

[deliquesce]

yeah, i know. Austin-T will probably think about this and be right back on track next week. i really value that in both pdoc & Austin-T (that even when they're off, they think things through and come back the next session and address it without me having to bring it up).

i think part of the problem is that there might be a bit of counter-transference going on. we're ridiculously alike and i think it is hard for him to keep himself out of it sometimes. he reacted pretty strongly to something i said today and it was like a bit of a glimpse behind the therapist-mask. so maybe that is why he was so off, or certainly at least a part of it. he did kind of admit to this a bit, but i wonder if it was deeper than we both realised.

i guess i'm just disappointed because i really needed the help this week. it's to do with uni stuff (isn't it always ) so i wanted help to figure things out now. i feel like i'm drowning under everything already, and i need someone to teach me what to do because i've gone through this pattern to many times on my own to know that it will not bode well if i'm just left to my own devices. but that's essentially what Austin-T said "you'll just have to figure it out".

i've never learnt simple things like how to juggle many tasks at once - i do one assignment and then shift my focus to the next - and a huge part of that is due to my OCD stuff. but i dont know how to break things up, how to let something sit unfinished while i work on something else (just typing it out makes me panic), how to manage my time in proportion to how much something is worth - i dont know. and im really ****ing trying to fix this up, but even when i'm being really specific - "i need you to teach me skills to breaks things up, shift focus and not obsess about the incomplete task" - Austin-T was all "blah blah blah you dont trust yourself; make sure you eat & sleep right; make sure you do what you say you'll do". bugger him.

i guess the other reason i'm feeling particularly desperate about this today is because i spoke to my honours coordinator for next year, and she said they aren't letting students do honours part time anymore. so i either go full time at my uni next year, or i give up my scholarship and transfer to a uni that accepts part time students. the scholarship wasn't so important right now (my fees are tiny), but it would have been a big deal when entering into postgrad. so i've really, really wanted to get this semester under control - because if i cant even manage 2 subjects, there is no way i will manage a full time course load, with empirical & theoretical thesis on top of that. eck.

wah wah wah, woe is me .

[sittingatwatersedge]

>>> i spoke to my honours coordinator for next year, and she said they aren't letting students do honours part time anymore <<<

whaat?!?! they gotta be kidding. The whole point of honors programs is to accomodate the excelling students. Can this not be appealed?!
(((((((( poor Deli ))))))) I hope there is someone who can look at this again. unbelievable.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

i've never learnt simple things like how to juggle many tasks at once - i do one assignment and then shift my focus to the next - and a huge part of that is due to my OCD stuff. but i dont know how to break things up, how to let something sit unfinished while i work on something else (just typing it out makes me panic), how to manage my time in proportion to how much something is worth - i dont know. and im really ****ing trying to fix this up, but even when i'm being really specific - "i need you to teach me skills to breaks things up, shift focus and not obsess about the incomplete task" - Austin-T was all "blah blah blah you dont trust yourself; make sure you eat & sleep right; make sure you do what you say you'll do". bugger him.

Better bugger me too then, deli because I'm with him on this one.

There are lots of things I can do very very well when I give them my undivided attention long enough, that I have to either put on hold or end up doing badly if I'm forced to multitask in the meantime. I can multitask when cooking but that's about the extent of it -- and I'm only a mediocre cook.

I've had obsessive-compulsive skills for a long time, I enjoy making use of them, people hire me for them, and I wouldn't dream of seeking treatment for them. If yours are working for you, I think you should cultivate them and if the uni won't let you thrive on your own terms, I say bugger the uni!

Heretically yours
Fool Zero

deli

Sorry the session was disappointing for you.

[FooZe]

Hi deli, I'm back for another pass. I don't like to put stuff down till it's really complete for me. A friend once called me a pit bull, and we both knew she meant it in the best possible way. "Obsessive-compulsive" may be a misnomer in my case; I'm obsessive entirely by choice.

So:

Originally Posted by deliquesce

...i dont know how to break things up, how to let something sit unfinished while i work on something else (just typing it out makes me panic), how to manage my time in proportion to how much something is worth - i dont know. and im really ****ing trying to fix this up...

Once upon a time I was in the first semester of my freshman year of college. I wasn't doing at all well and I was entertaining concerns rather similar to yours above, though somewhat broader. I was beginning to plan strategies in case should I disgrace myself by flunking out. The two that appeared most attractive were joining the marines and killing myself. With the former, I could expect to be taught good study habits or the military equivalent; with the latter, I would no longer need good study habits. Either way, I'd be suitably punished for embarrassing my family, and with the latter I'd even be getting back at my family for all the unhelpful pressure they'd been putting on me. Now, I'm not ready to say...

...just a moment, please...

----- Leaving everyday reality. Please watch your step. -----

There, now I'm ready to say it!

Deli, it wasn't that long ago that you were calling yourself harsh names in this thread. Now it sounds to me as if you're giving yourself a hard time again (or still) -- and I'm starting to suspect you might be trying to punish yourself.

----- Returning to everyday reality. Please watch your step. -----

Austin-T was all "blah blah blah you dont trust yourself; make sure you eat & sleep right; make sure you do what you say you'll do".

^ What to do in order not to punish yourself!

<--- if you're still letting me get close enough after all that

FooZe

[imapatient]

Deli, in this last post of yours, I think you're using your "wise mind" as they say in DBT. You're very rational, realistic, recognizing your weaknesses, and recognizing your feelings and what it is you want.

Good to see you bounce back like this.

What you're talking about getting help on--I don't know much to say. I'm the exact same way. I'd go all out on 1 thing in school, then do the next with laser focus again, and so on. I'd imagine that at school they must have campus T's who work with students, and who are experts on your issues. They see it all over the place. And I think it might be more pronounced amongst the best students. Perfectionism, the laser focus, the tendency--for me for sure--to do far more research than is needed.

Mentally you're in a good place, and the only suggestion I have is to find campus T's who work on school perforce, work styles, etc. If not campus, maybe there are T's outside it that do this sort of thing that you could see just for that?

[deliquesce]

i'm sorry i start threads and leave them unanswered all the time. i get so wiped just thinking things in my head that it's too much effort to put them out, although i know that writing things out helps me a lot too.

impy - "laser focus" describes me perfectly. "far more research than needed" makes me blush because i've been accused of that on multiple occasions. i started seeing uni-Ts before i ever got depressed, to try and get help with this stuff. i think the style of CBT offered at uni (or mine, at least) is very didactic and i just couldn't work with it. partly because i didn't have insight enough to recognise what wasn't working (e.g. those timetables they make you draw up? i felt like a failure if i didn't start the scheduled task exactly at the time i had planned - not a minute earlier or later).

but Austin-T is very similar to me, so he throws out suggestions and i relate to a lot of them. he's the one who helped me identify that scheduling things at certain times makes me more anxious than not - i'm a lot better just making a "to do" list for the day, and doing whatever takes my fancy at the time.

i guess i was really frustrated with Austin-T last week because:
a) i got referred to him specifically to sort out uni stuff. no digging into the past, no managing depression or family life - just a focus on uni - completing assessments & exams, working with my style and trying to make it more flexible. he was a teacher himself before he became a therapist, and he only started therapist training so that he could help his high school kids who were having problems with school (be it perfectionism or learning difficulties etc). so i know he knows this stuff and is good at it.
b) he's meant to get me, damnit! the way we do things is so eerily alike that it was just really weird for him to not be on my page. but, yes - like you said, everyone has their 'off' days. i guess i kind of figured this at the time, but i was also feeling very desperate to get things fixed right then & there, that my frustration probably clouded my ability to be patient and/or let go.

so him saying that i would just have to figure things out almost made me feel like - what's the point of my coming back? and then, of course, that starts off the loop of "he said that because he doesn't want you coming back" etc.

thankfully i saw pdoc on friday, so the loop didnt get too far. pdoc had already had his love-in with Austin-T for the day, and it seems that Austin-T had given him a glowing report about what we're accomplishing together and also said that he "loves" working with me. so that felt nice and effectively shut down the abandonment concerns. and i was able to bring up the frustration thing re: the previous session, and pdoc was able to come up with a few suggestions about how to manage the uni load, so i'll try to put them into practice.

also, been doing a bit of research re: other places for honours, and even though my uni is a poo-head, it seems that there are a few other quality unis which would accept me part time, so i've started stressing less about that.

[Kiya]

(((((((((((((((Deli!)))))))))))))))

lol - "uni is a poo-head" rofl.