[velcro003]

Oh man!!!! My heart is racing right now. My mom is coming to visit this weekend, and I suddenly just got very anxious about it and I feel like the WORST daughter ever. I don't let her in on my life, I do NOT like when she is sappy/emotional at all towards me, I never send her cards or anything--in short I am an awful daughter.

I just picked up this book at the library called "Walking on Eggshells." It is about parents' relationships with their adult children, and how heartbreaking it can be. THATS ME. I am breaking her heart, and I just suddenly felt overwhelmed at my selfishness. Sigh.

Anyway, I had to cancel this week's appointment (and next week T will be away), because I would have to leave in the middle of my T appt to go pick her up at the airport. Well, her flight comes in 10 minutes later than I had thought, so I figured I could stretch my regular appt to 35 minutes (they are normally only 45) if she didn't already fill it in.

So I called and left a message, asking if she still had that spot open I don't ask for things!!! Ahhhhhh. I told her that I would understand if she can't fit me in, and I will because I am the one that cancelled it first. But, I am reaching out...and its scary.

[sunrise]

I hope the visit with your mother goes well, velcro. It sounds stressful but like there is a lot of room for growth and understanding there. I hope you are able to meet with your T. Hurray for asking your T for something!

All those things you mentioned--not letting your mom in on your life, not liking it if she expresses emotion, never sending cards--that is how one of my daughters acts towards me. I've never figured it out, since I think I am a pretty nice mom and love her dearly, but that is how it is with her. I hope someday she will see I am actually not so bad! Meanwhile, I keep trying ways to reach her that are acceptable to her. It's really hard--she's very cold and can be very punishing. I worry that she will never be happy in life.... Maybe I need to read that Walking on Eggshells book, because that title does describe how I find myself feeling around her a lot of the time. Does it have any good suggestions?

I am breaking her heart, and I just suddenly felt overwhelmed at my selfishness.

It sounds like an important realization. Teens and young adults are often self-centered--it's part of their developmental process (as is separating from their parents). So don't be hard on yourself. Even if you do recognize some selfishness, if you don't feel positively toward your mother, if you don't love her, if you don't like her, it can be hard to act otherwise. Maybe just strive to be respectful and pleasant when she is visiting, and see where that goes.

[BlueMoon6]

((((Velcro)))) I dont have any words of wisdom on mother subjects, but maybe when she comes in you could act in a way that shows her you care. It might relieve some of your worries about being an awful daughter and make your mom feel good.

I dont think you are selfish. Maybe there are reasons you dont want much contact. Its not selfish to have feelings like that toward your mom. its how you feel, you need not judge it. We can be so hard on ourselves for how we feel

And GO YOU for asking for something for yourself from your t! I hope the appt is still open for you!

[VickiesPath]

I have always read blurbs here and there (you know, magazine articles in the doctor's office) that mothers and daughters can often have strained relationships. As for me and my mother, she never liked me and I never liked her. But, being mother and daughter, you always love each other. So, in the last five years or so, I got in the habit of calling her in Mississippi two or three times a week early in the morning and talking about nothing in particular about an hour or so. She was a widow, shy and didn't have any friends anymore and mostly cooked for my sister and her husband once a week and took care of her house and her two dogs.

In January last year, she had some health problems come up and one thing led to another and she was diagnosed with stage IV liver cancer and died April 9th. It was really a shock because we didn't have a clue that she was sick. But you know what? At one point after she died, I was reflecting on that time that I spent talking to her so frequently in recent years and I realized that I still do not have any idea who she was as a person.

I suppose it was enough to put aside whatever resentments I may have held and make the effort to form some kind of relationship with her. I am glad I decided to do that.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I hope the visit with your mother goes well, velcro. It sounds stressful but like there is a lot of room for growth and understanding there. I hope you are able to meet with your T. Hurray for asking your T for something!

All those things you mentioned--not letting your mom in on your life, not liking it if she expresses emotion, never sending cards--that is how one of my daughters acts towards me. I've never figured it out, since I think I am a pretty nice mom and love her dearly, but that is how it is with her. I hope someday she will see I am actually not so bad! Meanwhile, I keep trying ways to reach her that are acceptable to her. It's really hard--she's very cold and can be very punishing. I worry that she will never be happy in life.... Maybe I need to read that Walking on Eggshells book, because that title does describe how I find myself feeling around her a lot of the time. Does it have any good suggestions?

It sounds like an important realization. Teens and young adults are often self-centered--it's part of their developmental process (as is separating from their parents). So don't be hard on yourself. Even if you do recognize some selfishness, if you don't feel positively toward your mother, if you don't love her, if you don't like her, it can be hard to act otherwise. Maybe just strive to be respectful and pleasant when she is visiting, and see where that goes.

I don't know how old your daughter is sunrise, but I'm 28, going on 29--so I'm not THAT young. I'm not mean to her, and we generally have a good time when we get together, but it isn't easy for me. I have to work at it seeming easy, and that sucks. We've had our fair share of problems, and its been a long struggle for me. I simultaneously feel REALLY guilty for not being everything she wants me to be, and just wanting to push her out of my life. It is so hard to navigate, and I am not sure how to work through it. Blah.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by velcro003

I simultaneously feel REALLY guilty for not being everything she wants me to be, and just wanting to push her out of my life.

Maybe that's part of it. Maybe she had certain expectations for you that did not match with your own and it made you feel inadequate. That's' really hard! You don't need to feel guilty for living your life the way you want to. Sometimes parents have trouble letting their kids live their own lives. You sound like you're trying hard to do the best you can with the relationship.

[hangingon]

Woohooo velcro !!!
Good for you in asking for what you need!!!
I really hope the time works out for you.
It gets a little easier to ask each time you try....perhaps you just opened a new door, scary as it felt to do so.

[velcro003]

aw thanks hangingon!!! she called me back and left me a message that the time would work! My heart was POUNDING for about 5 minutes after. Of course, I'll be nervous tomorrow, but that is my usual. I am glad I did it though.

It feels so good to ask for what we need and to have our needs met. Good for you!

[possum220]

i'm glad you got the appointment thing sorted out.

In 2000 my father passed away from cancer. I felt like I was at the funeral of a stranger. My mother recently passed away. We also had a very difficult relationship.

In this last year I visited her in a home that looked after her well. I told her I loved her and we laughed at a few things. No big in roads were made.

Relationships are tricky little animals at times and not easy to deal with. But sometimes they can just make you laugh.

Good luck with your Mum.

[velcro003]

thanks guys my mom is here now, and i am SO grateful i went to see my T ahead of time. She calmed me down about my mom's visit. She told me to try and put my guilt aside and just enjoy what we have now, and not to push it. As I was leaving, she goes "I hope it goes well. No, wait...I don't hope that, I hope you can put away your guilt and be nicer to yourself"

[chaotic13]

Velcro..I'm glad your T could help you settle a bit to meet the challenge of a parental visit. The description you gave of how you interact with your mother sounds a lot like the relationship I had with mine. My mother has passed and I've spent many days wondering and feeling guilty about this relationship. I think you are doing a good job and looking at this relationship while your mom is still around.