[Melbadaze]

Yes T's email yesterday really was enought to put that warm, safe feeling back inside of me...something she said, about how it feels shes not there, but she is there, and about how if I miss her, that feels like shes not there for ever, and how my other missing you's gets mixed up with this. That help bring me back to the here and now, yes the fear of her being gone for ever was playing in the background..that my feeling memorys of my real mother going forever is still trapped inside of me....that each time T reasures me of these things, my trapped memorys get rewired a bit more each time...I can difinately experience a new feeling going on at the moment now, kinda of like the trains coming along the track of no return and suddenly someone is pulling the lever and it jumps to the track where there are people waiting and T does return...normally I try to email as little as possible when T is on a break, but I wrote a whole 3 lines this time and got what I needed...T even replied late last night to my reply to her, re the did I not believe her when she said I could email her? and i replied, Proberbly, she rreplied, proberly yes or proberly no? I think I'll leave that there though LOL, let her finish the rest of her vacation in peace!! I'm not so nervous about seeing her first session back now, now I've come out of phantasy a bit with the getting in touch with the real situation...funny that, how I can be in phantasy mode so fast and so deep I don't even know it, and everything I believe or think gets so tightly wound round those phantasy states that they choke the reality right out of me.