[MissCharlotte]

I've been laying low for the past few days. The horror of Friday night was followed by an equally awful Saturday and then Sunday I started to feel more like myself, whoever the heck that is. I'm so so so so sorry that I resorted to unhealthy coping. I really miss T a lot but the way my psyche protects me is to make me feel flat so I am working on allowing myself to miss him. But it's hard because part of me just feels like this is normal--meaning the absence of his caring. I know that is a younger part of me who became very accustomed to loneliness and taking care of myself. I was so very alone as a child, which is amazing considering I was the middle of five kids. I really never knew before now how very sad I was because that was a part that was so very dissociated from the present me (or the me in the present?) that I had no clue she existed. (Or should I say that I had no idea that a part of ME was that fragile?) I want to tell myself that it is okay to miss him--as T said in the note I asked for LAST SUMMER..."I will return, breaks are a part of the cycle of relationships."

Oh my this sucks. I just fight fight fight dissociating. The truth is--my inclination is to pretend that T doesn't exist--to pretend that I don't care about him and he doesn't care about me. The truth is I had to force myself to post as proof that this is a real and very important relationship in my life. I am trying hard not to act out on negative self-perceptions and to keep busy at work--moving forward as always. But I am stuck in the quicksand of loneliness. Just before T went away I called his machine and left a message that I promise to drive very carefully so that I will make it to my next session when he comes back. I knew that if I Promised that I would have to honor my word.

I have gone from being so very angry at him to missing him to pretending he is non-existent and it doesn't really matter. I am so so busy at work--and I am trying hard to connect with my colleagues on a truer level than before.

Oh yeah--I won't see him till sept. 10th.

[SpottedOwl]

(((MissC)))

First a huge, gigantic hug for you!!!!

When I read your post, the first thing I thought was that you're grieving.
I don't think you're grieving that T is gone, but maybe what you lost as a child...realizing that this feeling of loneliness is all too familiar.

Just the fact that you recognize a child state is being triggered is such a big accomplishment. Not that it makes it any easier to experience it, but maybe you can give your little girl a big hug, and let her know it is 'ok' to have all these feelings. That you still love her and will be there for her when she needs it.

You are doing such a good job...hang in there...

[MissCharlotte]

Oh god Owl, you are so right there with me....thank you. but I am finding it so hard to "hang in" as you say.

[peaches100]

Hi Miss C,

I can relate to numbing out, or flat emotion, as a coping device. It's what i'm used to doing also, whenever my abandonment feelings get triggered. Or, for that matter, anytime i begin to care too much about my t and then get scared. It's SOOOO much easier to dissociate my feelings of missing my t, or of feeling attached, than to actually let myself feel painful emotions. Like you, I'm trying to start facing the feelings, rather than denying them or pushing them away. But it's scary, and it hurts too. Still, I guess it means we are becoming more "real."

Hang in there!

[Melbadaze]

((Miss c)).