[mixedup_emotions]

I posted a little bit about this in another thread....but, in group therapy tonight, one member raised his discomfort with the idea of the therapeutic relationship being uncomfortably blended with a "business".

This stirred up a lot of emotions for me, and my feedback to the group was that I wanted to vomit. LOL.

I went further, by saying things like, "I feel selfish...that I'm uncomfortable that T has relationships with other clients and that I don't feel special...that I wonder if he even cares, or that he has any interest in hearing about my problems, etc."....

It was extremely uncomfortable to divulge these feelings....but even more uncomfortable holding them back.

I want to address it with T during my individual session - face the discomfort - so that I can get some answers. To hold myself accountable, I am considering e-mailing him the following for our discussion.....

* * *

Thoughts: I feel selfish.....

Translation: I feel lost without being in a caregiving role. You are here to help me. Not the other way around. It is unfamiliar to me and uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of support. I feel as though I have no value. Additionally, I am so accustomed to being in "protective" mode, always anticipating some kind of abuse, that it's difficult for me to let go of that protective guard. That protective guard also helps deal with my fear of becoming attached.

Thoughts: "He doesn't really care to hear about my problems"..."He's probably wishing this session would end already"...

Translation: I need to know that I am cared for and that there is interest in having this therapeutic relationship with me.

Thoughts: "He will be disappointed in me"...."He probably thinks I'm pathetic".....

Translation: I am embarrassed by my own feelings, fears, thoughts, behaviors. I feel as though I am weak and am disappointed in myself for not being stronger. I feel like I'm failing.

* * *

Thoughts? Feedback? Comments?

P.S. Sorry that I haven't been on the board for the last couple months. I've been going through a very depressed phase in my life. My divorce will be final in a couple weeks, and I am facing a lot of challenges - on every level. I've lost interest in basically everything that ever meant anything to me. I have no energy whatsoever and struggle to get through each and every day. I know this is only temporary, and I will get through this. At the moment, I just feel like I am chained to a mack truck and want to lay down and have it run over me, to just get it over with.

[sunrise]

Your word choice is interesting--you want to "confront" your therapist about your relationship, instead of "talk about" or "discuss" it. That sounds positional to me, like this is a conflict.... Do you expect him to disagree with you in some way?

Sorry for all the challenges in your life right now. I am glad you have your therapist and your group to help you through. I hope you will share the Mack truck wish with your T. Is therapy helping with your depression?

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

* * *

Thoughts: I feel selfish.....

Translation: I feel lost without being in a caregiving role. You are here to help me. Not the other way around. It is unfamiliar to me and uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of support. I feel as though I have no value. Additionally, I am so accustomed to being in "protective" mode, always anticipating some kind of abuse, that it's difficult for me to let go of that protective guard. That protective guard also helps deal with my fear of becoming attached.

Thoughts: "He doesn't really care to hear about my problems"..."He's probably wishing this session would end already"...

Translation: I need to know that I am cared for and that there is interest in having this therapeutic relationship with me.

Thoughts: "He will be disappointed in me"...."He probably thinks I'm pathetic".....

Translation: I am embarrassed by my own feelings, fears, thoughts, behaviors. I feel as though I am weak and am disappointed in myself for not being stronger. I feel like I'm failing.

* * *

Thoughts? Feedback? Comments?

i really like what you've written here especially how you started the last two with "he feels or thinks" and then were able to turn it around and own your feelings and thoughts.

something that my t said was that we have to receive and get filled up in order to help others. we can't give anything when we're empty or depleted. i found that really helpful in seeing how it is okay to receive and not just give give give all the time.

(((((((((((((mixed up))))))))))))))

Good to see you

I thinking talking to T about your feelings about the relationship is really important. Sounds like a good idea to me

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Your word choice is interesting--you want to "confront" your therapist about your relationship, instead of "talk about" or "discuss" it. That sounds positional to me, like this is a conflict....

I heard that as an indication of something that is going to be difficult to address (due to emotional content) and one would have to brace oneself in order to get it out. not as conflict.

((((((((((((((( MUE ))))))))))))))))) welcome back! Sounds like you are hanging in there, and are working hard.

[peaches100]

Hi Mixedupemotions,

I just recently had a talk like that with my t. I told her that i felt bad because the t relationship to me is special and important, but she has dozens of people she sees and cares about. She gives to them the same caring and interest that she gives me. So it makes me feel that the relationship we have between us is not special. . . and that i am not important to her. I fear that the only reason the t relationship feels so wonderful and special to me is probably because i am so empty and bereft of someone to care about me.

I also told her "It feels like if you really care about alot of other people, then there will be less for me." And she replied, "That's the way a child would think." So. . .err. . . ummm. . .maybe this is part of the "developmental arrest" stuff coming to the fore. . .a way i have not emotionally matured yet????

She told me that caring about other people does not make her care less about me. She also talked about her children. . .how each time she would have a new child, her other kids would feel jealous and think she didn't cared about them less.

I still have some of those uncomfortable feelings. . .i don't think "jealousy" is exactly the right word. It's not that i don't want her to care about and help others. I just want her to like me better than them. OK. I know that's pitiful to say, but i might as well get it out there while i'm being honest.

Anyway, I encourage you to express your feelings to your t. Maybe it will be easier for you to do this, now that you know i've embarrassed myself thoroughly? Your t would likely welcome knowing how you feel, and would help you work through these feelings.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Your word choice is interesting--you want to "confront" your therapist about your relationship, instead of "talk about" or "discuss" it. That sounds positional to me, like this is a conflict.... Do you expect him to disagree with you in some way?

Sorry for all the challenges in your life right now. I am glad you have your therapist and your group to help you through. I hope you will share the Mack truck wish with your T. Is therapy helping with your depression?

Sittingonwatersedge had it right...It's more like confronting my fear of addressing these feelings with T that are hard for me to express.

Honestly, I don't know what kind of feedback I expect...and I'm not quite sure how I am going to feel about it. Facing the discomfort head-on and dealing with the feelings seems to be the only way of making progress. *sigh*....So difficult though.

I guess I should tell T about the Mack truck wish....but it makes me feel terrible to even feel that way, because I have a wonderful 8 year old daughter who means the world to me - and I don't want to be seen as suicidal. And I don't feel that I am. I don't know what to do.

Is therapy helping with my depression? I don't know. I am so anxious every time I go to therapy - whether it's group therapy or individual therapy. I know that I've come a long way in dealing with current life events - how I deal with people, becoming more assertive, managing the relationship with my husband. But the depression seems to have started AFTER I began therapy. Perhaps from being so depleted by delving into excruciating past events and current life drama. I feel so defeated.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by reflection

i really like what you've written here especially how you started the last two with "he feels or thinks" and then were able to turn it around and own your feelings and thoughts.

something that my t said was that we have to receive and get filled up in order to help others. we can't give anything when we're empty or depleted. i found that really helpful in seeing how it is okay to receive and not just give give give all the time.

Thank you. Your T's comment is certainly something for me to consider. It's just difficult being in that role, a role that is so unfamiliar and uncomfortable to me.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by treehouse

(((((((((((((mixed up))))))))))))))

Good to see you

I thinking talking to T about your feelings about the relationship is really important. Sounds like a good idea to me

Thank you!! I wish it wasn't so hard to do though!

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

I heard that as an indication of something that is going to be difficult to address (due to emotional content) and one would have to brace oneself in order to get it out. not as conflict.

((((((((((((((( MUE ))))))))))))))))) welcome back! Sounds like you are hanging in there, and are working hard.

Right on!

And thanks for the welcome back! I am struggling, but hanging in there! I admit though. I was working hard and still am in a way, but I've scaled back a lot in therapy - because I realized that I was delving into things way too quickly and it was causing so much physical and emotional turmoil in my life. So, the last several T sessions have been more about the day-to-day struggles of dealing with certain issues and not so much about challenge and exploration. I just can't seem to handle it right now.

I'm still plugging away though!

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Hi Mixedupemotions,

I just recently had a talk like that with my t. I told her that i felt bad because the t relationship to me is special and important, but she has dozens of people she sees and cares about. She gives to them the same caring and interest that she gives me. So it makes me feel that the relationship we have between us is not special. . . and that i am not important to her. I fear that the only reason the t relationship feels so wonderful and special to me is probably because i am so empty and bereft of someone to care about me.

I also told her "It feels like if you really care about alot of other people, then there will be less for me." And she replied, "That's the way a child would think." So. . .err. . . ummm. . .maybe this is part of the "developmental arrest" stuff coming to the fore. . .a way i have not emotionally matured yet????

She told me that caring about other people does not make her care less about me. She also talked about her children. . .how each time she would have a new child, her other kids would feel jealous and think she didn't cared about them less.

I still have some of those uncomfortable feelings. . .i don't think "jealousy" is exactly the right word. It's not that i don't want her to care about and help others. I just want her to like me better than them. OK. I know that's pitiful to say, but i might as well get it out there while i'm being honest.

Anyway, I encourage you to express your feelings to your t. Maybe it will be easier for you to do this, now that you know i've embarrassed myself thoroughly? Your t would likely welcome knowing how you feel, and would help you work through these feelings.

Thanks for embarrassing yourself for my sake! LOL....

Seriously, though, the feeling is difficult to describe - but I know you know what I'm feeling! I wouldn't quite say jealousy either. Envious, possessive, I don't know.

I guess I'm just afraid of what I'm going to learn about myself through all this. I do know one thing, I have a tendency to convince myself of hurtful things before giving anyone a chance to hurt me. Years of abuse will do that to a person, I guess.

[Melbadaze]

Mixed up, Let us know how it goes, if you recieve the answers you are looking for.