Saying "I don't know" in therapy

There's a blog someone else here referenced for something, and I really like it. There are some interesting entries on psychotherapy.

I like this article (written for the therapist) on "What to say to: I don't know." It seems "I don't know" is a response that therapists encounter frequently. I wonder why? I liked how the writer explored the reasons why a client might say "I don't know" and different responses he could make to discover why or to get around it. There are also some good responses from other therapists. Here is the link:
http://gandalwaven.typepad.com/inthe...o_say_to_.html

Does any of this article ring true for anyone? Sometimes if I am tempted to say "I don't know," I find I can prevent it if I just pause and think instead of feeling I have to say something right away. The T should be able to give space for a difficult question. I think when I say, "I don't know," it can mean, "I don't really want to talk to you about this." LOL

In the blog entry, I really liked this particular response a therapist might try when the client says "I don't know":

If my therapist said this to me, I think I would be able to respond, silly though it seems. Reframing the question like this would be like asking the client to take a step back and be kind of analytical, rather than responding from the heart. That can be easier, in a tough spot. It's like asking you to talk about yourself in the third person. You get a layer of protection.

Here is a list of the suggested therapist responses:
--When I ask you how you feel you are not able to access what your emotional state inside is. Tell me more about this?
--Is it like this all the time that you are not aware of how you are feeling or just in relation to this?
--Has it always been like this?
--What would other people think you were feeling/thinking in this situation?
--I notice that when I ask you about your feelings you first response is always to say “I don’t know”. What do you think is going on?
--When you said I don’t know you became quite physically tense and agitated. Is it really that you don’t know or has this touched on something for you?
--Don’t know or don’t want to say?
--What would be your fears if we explored this?
--What do we have to do to make it safe for you to explore this?
--How will we know the right time to explore this?
--If you did know what it would be?

If you say "I don't know" a lot, would any of these responses help you? I have definitely had my T say to me a number of times (not necessarily in response to "I don't know"), "what can I do to make it safe for you here?"

Oh boy Sunny. I didn't read the blog yet, but I think that everything in your post has been said in my therapy. When I first started therapy I used to say I don't know a lot and now I rarely say it because I have learned to dig deeper myself but also I feel much safer than when I began.

I do say "I don't know" a lot in therapy, but it's because I honestly don't know how to respond T will usually react by pushing me a bit towards what she thinks the answer might be.

lololol. those questions are such therapist ways of wording them!!! they need a course in how to make things sound more natural (this applies to me also - i fall into therapist-speak quite often).

for me, "i dont know" = "i dont want to answer your question". i use it when something has come up that i dont want to talk about (which can be the most minor things - how are you feeling today? ) but also when i suspect T has an answer he wants, and i'm not certain that i'll get the "right" one. i hate it so much when people ask you what you think, when really all they want to hear is the answer they've already come up with. just tell me your answer, and i can give you a response on how that gels with me. i hate being 'tested' that way. UGH. (lol. end rant ).

when i really don't know, i typically have no problems saying why - maybe i dont understand what T is saying, or i need a few examples to illustrate, or i just need more time to process and see how it sits with me before i can give a response.

I think my T has been down this list several times with me. I can honestly say though she has never come up with the If you did know what it would be? followup. If she did this now... We probably would both start cracking up.... a year ago... she would have probably gotten the, "Ah I don't think thats very funny look."

After reading the blog I liked Brin Grenyer comment-"...sometimes the best response to I don't know is for the therapist to accept that the client is not yet ready and that further more general alliance building is required before coming back to this issue."

I think I use IDK when I am confused about how to describe what I'm feeling or when I am not comfortable saying what is running through my head. For the most part I think my T challenges me to acknowledge that I'm avoiding talking about something. Then once she is satisfied that I am concious of it, if I persist she will let it go and accept that I am either unwilling or unable to discuss the issue at that point.

I should be the poster girl for the "I don't know". She has tried exploring about why it is hard, but the answer.....think about it....I DON'T KNOW.

She is taking the VERY patient route I think. I am not so patient on the other hand.

"Don't know, or don't want to say" is my T's favorite response to my I don't Knows.

I usually say I don't Know when I think my T will judge me for my answer.

I am usually very quick to say "I don't know".....and then a few seconds later, after I've had a chance to digest it, I have a response. I'm not sure why I jump so quickly to "I don't know". I guess I need to start to understand that it's ok to pause and think before answering!

There are also other times that I truly DON'T KNOW why I feel the way I feel.

And then, there are other times when I cleary say "I don't know" out of discomfort, not wanting to say how I really feel. Perhaps a better way to respond is, "I am uncomfortable saying"....or "I don't want to answer that". After all, I have that control, right? Not that it's therapeutically beneficial, but it's certainly better than my T having to figure out what "I don't know" means each time!

This is really good info, and I'm glad you brought it up. It gives me something to work on!

Sunny, thanks for this.

I say I don't know A LOT. I usually don't even give myself time to think about it because I alway expect that T wants an answer right away--like the second after she asks me a question.... and I think T got frustrated with me at one point (early on) with this. She at one point asked "don't know or do want to say". If I say I don't want to say then she will want to explore that...

I thought I was the only one who did this....I am sooooo relieved to know that I am not the only one who struggles with this. I do get really frustrated with myself for this and I am not sure why. Lately I have been trying to give myself time to think about my answers. I will feel my natural response to say those three dreaded words and either I will mumble/mouth the words b/c I'm scared to say them and frustrate T or I will stop myself and try to think about my answer, which is rare.

I think my next therapy goal is to work harder at digging deeper and giving T an honest answer....eeek

Thanks again, Sunny.

My IDK responses are usually not with my T instead with my Pdoc (though sometimes with my T also). With my T I often wait until I have something to say and she is patient with me. With my Pdoc our time is so much shorter that I feel I have to get an answer out faster and so it comes out as IDK. This is usually when I am feeling depressed and confused. This happens when my brain is all muddled. Usually he asks my what type of IDK my answer is. How far gone I am. That is my experience with IDK.

i used to say those a lot too. now i KNOW that is it just gonna take my brain a bit to know. so i say ummmmmmmmm and put on a really quizical, thinking look to buy me some time. either i think of something, or t asks "does that make sense?" or "do you understand?" at which point i can let her give me more info which helps me decide which meaning of whatever-it-was she wants

,,,there's also the Silent Treatment - i get that if I happen to say "i dunno"; T just sits and stares at me with her usual frown and i think of an answer =)

I'm not currently in therapy, but "I don't know" is a response that I'm most likely to resort to if I think someone is trying to trap me. Either they're arguing for something that I'm not ready to agree with, and I expect them to use whatever I say to support their argument; or they're in a position to impose consequences, and I won't find out what the consequences for my answer will be till it's too late to take it back.

In some circles (not therapeutic ones, exactly) where I used to travel, the standard retort to "I don't know" was, "Well, who should I ask?" I eventually learned to see that one coming and head it off by answering their question with something that I didn't mind telling them, even if it wasn't exactly what they wanted to know.

I rather think I'd opt to wrap up my answer in a question of my own:

T: How does that make you feel?

Me: What kind of trouble would I get into if I were to say ____________?

Thanks for making me smile.

I don't ever recall saying that verbally, but I might have said it with an extended period of silence. It always took me so long to form the thoughts. For me it might have meant "I need much more time to process that question to formulate an accurate answer." I do remember finding the reframing of questions mildly annoying. He was always trying to soften the blow, make the questions seem less threatening. And I always saw right through it, lol. I remember saying, "You're doing it again..." These type of articles are really interesting. I'll have to read that one.

T has never said anything to a times I may have said "I don't know". I guess she lets it be my therapy and lets me be where I am in any given moment. She doesn't direct or instruct, which leaves me with the eventual desire to want to know. I dont experience my theraputic expereince as something being done to me.

someone on PC posted to a different thread >>> this theraputic relationship where I can get so hurt, so lightning fast and its up to me to feel it, say something and maybe heal.

Wow that's powerful for me. My use of "I don't know" so far has been limited to the one case where I was feeling it but simply refused to say something.

T didn't take that as an acceptable response. She promptly assigned me further consideration of the question from then till next session. (lest this seem authoritarian, it was done very gently. We both knew she was right. And the next time I saw her she did not bring it up herself, but waited for me to do it; when I did she was very affirming.)

I have said "I don't know" often in therapy and in my life since I was a child. I was always very shy and got overwhelmed when asked questions. Sometimes I didn't know the answer, but usually I just couldn't talk because I was embarrassed to.

In therapy, I became overwhelmed with my feelings or else I said IDK when I DID know, but didn't want to say. That happened more with my former Ts. With my most recent T, I didn't say it as much because I felt safer with her. It's a question of safety for me, though often I really DON'T know because my feelings get all jumbled up and I can't think straight in therapy.

((((((((((((((((((( rainbow ))))))))))))))))))))

That was me in last appt., only I was trying to come up with something to say that could divert the topic from what was really on my mind and stumped that I couldn't.

I think my T sounds similar. I'm not sure I recall him saying much in response to an "I don't know" from me. I don't think I even say "I don't know" much unless I really don't know (I don't use it as a defense). If I don't want to talk about something, I have been known to simply say, "I don't want to talk about this." (And sometimes rather vehemently. LOL.) I think very early on in therapy I was influenced by T telling me a little about his own journey through life and how he resolved a major dissonance and became more congruent and authentic. I then saw that as a major thing I would like to strive for too, so I made an effort in therapy to try to always be honest. So if I said "I don't know" when I really meant "I don't want to talk about it", in a way, I wasn't being honest. So, for me, it's better not to say it unless I really mean it, otherwise I feel I've failed in a small way at being authentic.

Thanks Sunny for a very interesting thread! I was away on vacaton so this is the first time I am reading this

So many interesting answers.
(((((((Rainbow))))) I have to say that my feelings also get jumbled up in therapy and I feel pressure to give a quick, correct answer. But I have learned very quickly that the IDK response gets me nowhere with my t. The very few times I have said it was b/c I really didnt know (and then I came up with a weird answer to give something that looked like I did know. She didnt buy it and told me so). And the other maybe one or two times I have said IDK she said "oh, I think you do know." And if I didnt know, I darn well better come up with something b/c SHE thinks I do know! And if I take a minute to think about it, its OK. And I usually have some kind of an idea. So, the IDK response gets me an irritated response from my t. But how I wish she would give me one of those therapisty responses from the list! It really would help me to dig deeper WITH her rather than quickly in my mind. I think Id feel more cared about.

I do have to say that when one of my kids gives me an IDK response.....I have actually said the response...if you did know what would it be? And I can get an answer that way. The rationale that this response gives a layer of protection is very interesting.

[quote=sunrise;1127355] If I don't want to talk about something, I have been known to simply say, "I don't want to talk about this." (And sometimes rather vehemently. LOL.) quote]

now there's a good idea. Thanks Sunny, I think I will keep this one in my pocket for later. (sure beats kicking myself for lying to T just to get out of talking about something. She deserves better than that)

i actually said this twice to Austin-T yesterday. the first time he responded "it's ok, a lot of the time we don't know" and i found that really nice. the other time it was in response to him asking if i had good boundaries, and when i said "i dont know" he said "if you dont know, then it means you dont" .