A Pinnacle -- Then a Fall (What's Up With That?)

I've noticed in therapy that whenever we have an especially good session, where some big insight has taken place, or a greater sense of felt connection and comfort has happened. . . just shortly afterward (about 2 to 3 weeks later), there is some rupture, which seems to take away the previous good connection or progress. This seems to happen for me over and over. And usually, the rupture has something to do with my t saying or doing something that is a trigger for me of past childhood pain. I know my t isn't doing it on purpose. In fact, we talk it over, and whatever it is that she has said or done to hurt me, it was unintentional. In fact, often, she said or did something in an effort to encourage or help me. But instead, it reminds me of past pain. I'll give some examples.

Following an especially trusting and connected session, where i've been able to finally feel that my t cares about me and i can feel the connection. . .

. . .i bring my h to my session, he is feeling very bad, so he and my t talk the whole session, which leads to me feeling unimportant and ignored -- just exactly the way i felt at home with my mom and dad.

OR

Soon after i've gotten up the courage to let the hurt little girl part of me communicate with my t. . .

. . .she tells me that she notices my younger parts sound differently and make grammar or spelling errors

. . .so i get fearful about this, fearing that she'll diagnose me with DID. . .and young parts of me feel ashamed and upset because she pointed out their mistakes, just like my dad used to do. So i clam up and feel too afraid to share anymore.

OR

My t tells me that over time i will need to learn to become my own therapist. . .

. . . and what i hear is "I don't want to help you. You should take care of your own problems. You are too helpless and needy," which is exactly how i felt with my mom growing up.

Why do things like this keep happening to me? I know my t means the best, and that i am always taking things the wrong way (not the way she meant them). But i can't seem to help it. Every time i feel good and connected and progressing. . . something like this happens.

Why?!

maybe it is precisely because you have felt good and connected that these feelings are even coming to the surface now, being safe within you to be felt and recognised?

i had the best, most moving and connected session with pdoc at the beginning of the year. i know he felt so too because he told austin-t how awesome it had been and how hopeful and happy he was.

a few weeks later, pdoc referred to himself as my "doctor". i am sure he has done it a million times. heck, i even call him "dr pdoc" instead of by his first name. but it felt like he was pulling back from me, only engaging with me because that was his role and being a patient was mine. just like mum used to say "the only reason i'm doing this (e.g., giving you a hug when you're crying) is because i'm your mother and that's what mothers are supposed to do" ie, she wouldnt care otherwise.

but pdoc calling himself my dr tore me apart for a good few weeks before i could bring it up. i think to say "shocked beyond belief" would have been an understatement for what pdoc felt. he asked me if i was having transference (in the erotic sense) towards him and i had a giggle at that and let him down gently. but once we were able to work through the fact that he was still the same pdoc, and that he still liked me and was being genuine - not just acting a role - it felt good. i think these mini-ruptures are important, because i get to learn that not everyone is like my parents.

that tiny part of me feels safe with pdoc now.

I agree with Deli (btw Deli- I was very touched by the story about you and pdoc). You are feeling comfortable and safe with your t so you dont have to deny/push away these feelings. And maybe each situation is different- for sure you are comfortable enough to allow situations which have some risk, your h in the session, and then feelings come up. Youare taking some huge risks in the sessions and then you are left vulnerable to hurt. Probably there isnt one single reason why this happens but you are feeling good, safe, trusting and vulnerable and feelings of hurt and sadness can come up. Maybe tell t????

((((((((((((Peaches))))))))))))))

I don't know why it happens but the same thing happens to me quite a bit. I'm going through it right now and it's making me so sad

to you.

Peaches

My T has definitely said and done some things that I haven't liked, and I have almost always brought them to her attention. It's so scary for me to do that, because I hate conflict, but T keeps proving that she wants me to bring these things up to her, she stresses how important it is to our relationship. And really, our relationship then ends up being even stronger.

I think our relationships with our Ts are meant to teach us how to have better relationships with others, and I think it's an unfortunate fact that most relationships will have ups and downs, even those with our Ts. Hang in there, you really are doing amazing work!

Hi Deli,

Maybe you're right. Maybe it's because i've trusted enough to allow closeness and take risks, that i am now also feeling the buried hurt too. I'm glad you said that because for awhile, i kept thinking that i must be self-sabotaging myself by subconsciously causing a problem with my t whenever i've felt close. But that just doesn't feel right to me anymore. i really don't think i'm backing and building walls. i'm just. . .easily triggered into feeling things. . .things from my childhood that cause pain. So maybe this is how it needs to be, to get these things out in the open. Thank you for bringing that up. I also enjoyed hearing about the rupture between you and pdoc and how it ended up bringing you closer.

Clk6,

It's true i haven't been pushing the feelings away as much as i used to do. i've been braver and letting them come up. Yes, think i'll talk t t about this and ask her what she thinks. Thank you!

(((((Treehouse)))))

I'm sorry you go through the same thing with your t! I keep thinking that after 3 or 4 ruptures, i would get it through my head that my t is good, safe, and always has my best interests at heart. Once I've established that, it seems like i shouldn't keep getting triggered and taking exception to (or being hurt by) things she says or does. It seems i should be able to just let it slide!!! But i cannot!

I'm thinking like Deli and Clk6 said, it could be that we do feel safe with our t's and that is why these emotions are able to even come up for us. Usually, the hurt feelings relate in some way to past hurts. So when the hurt comes up, we can talk about it and work it through with our t's.

Hi Dreamseeker,

My t also says she wants me to tell her when she says or does something that bothers or hurts me. She said the last thing she would want to do is to say or do something that feels like a repeat trauma from my childhood. So she wants me to tell her when I'm triggered by what she says or does, so we can resolve it.

Thanks too for reminding me that all relationships have their ups and downs. I may have the borderline tendency to judge the therapeutic relationship as going great or going awful, based on how the most recent session goes. . .when in reality, the relationship is continuous and it has its up and down periods.

When we have things to work on they will continue to come out until we have cleaned everything out. This is good because this is the only way that you can work on things. I used to be glad when a new thing would come out to work on because I knew that it would be one less thing that would be inside causing me problems.

I have read that at least in treatment of trauma, the repeated ruptures and repairs are inevitable, indeed they ARE the therapy...

heck of a system ain't it.... I see my T for trauma, and that's our story too ... the therapeutic rollercoaster...

The same thing seems to be happening with me too. I couldn't tell her in session how I was bothered, triggered, so I went home and e-mailed her. Her reply was very reassuring and we were able to talk about those things at our next session. Maybe this is how it will work for now, I can be so much more honest and open in e-mail than face-to-face. And, it does seem to make our relationship stronger.
I think because of our childhood problems with attachment it is easy to be triggered by things t says that they aren't aware is triggering. So, I guess we need to let them know.
Also, peaches, when your t said you needed to learn to be your own t, this sounded familiar to me. Mine said I will have to learn to comfort my littles inside, just me, which makes me feel really alone. She is aware of this now and I'm sure it will be a future topic. (Future-because she is gone for 3 weeks! )
I agree with what everyone else said about getting closer is allowing us to have and express more of the feelings. May not feel good, but I think it is a positive direction.
Hang in there, peaches!