[BlueMoon6]

Well, I had my session today with my t. I had so many notes I had written (I wasnt going to use them in the session) and thoughts about what to say. The truth is, I wasnt happy to be there. At all. I wanted to run.

I came in and she acted like she had not been away, no reconnecting words. I said how was your vacation? She smiled. I couldnt smile back. She said, so whats going on? I said I wanted to start with the easy stuff b/c the hard stuff is going to be very hard. So....I talked quite a bit about whats going on with my husband. We had a fight and Im still pissed. Im pissed about a lot of things and she knows him so. I am watching her carefully for her supportiveness and ability to understand. She basically told me that this is the man I married and there is nothing I can do about it. I thought, I so so so disagree. She was not able to hlep. She just wasnt. I dont think he is a lost cause. She just doesnt kknow what to do and she said that.

I went on to talk about being present with my kids and what is going on so far as "disappearing" and not knowing what is going on around me. In a nutshell, she said "everyone daydreams...there's nothing damaging about that." Is she for real? She didnt get it. I felt lost, alone, not understood. I further explained what I wrote about in my "revelation" thread. About what happens to me when something disturbing is said to me/happens. I didnt use her as an example, but I explained it as best I could. I think it is pretty clear in my post and that is exactly what I said. She said to me "(my name) I have no idea what you are taking about or what that is." I said "neither do I" and left it at that. Then I said the harder stuff is that I feel like I am putting a band aid on a bleeding wound and that I know she doesnt want me to work on my childhood stuff and to stay on difficulties in the here and now. She said, basically, I cant remember now exact words, that I am not a bleeding wound and I am exaggerating (not her exact words, but that is the jist of it) how I feel and she wants me to get healthy unlike my previous t who came from a place of wanting me to say sick. I was PISSED! I was F*****G pissed! OK- I have no place defending him and I know that is another issue of mine, but how dare she say something about him and act this way to me. She is always bringing him up. Maybe she thinks I want her to act more like the way he did? I dont know, maybe I do. At that moment I missed my previous t! YIPES! She said she wanted me focus on getting healthier and not dwell on the past and have it effect me today. I said it already effects me today, I dont dwell, but even if I did, ito wouldnt matter b/c my childhood sadness has a hold on me. Im not deliberately not getting better. Then food/weight came up. I said I gained 1 pound, I cant get my weight above 114. Big deal. I dont want to eat. We taked about that for a minute, she things I should eat for my kids. If I could, I would . Anyway, She did again stress that it would make me sicker to talk about my past. I do not think so. No matter how hard I try to see her point of view, I just do not think it will hurt me to go back there. I think it will relieve me of some of this pain.

Then she said, "You called over the vacation, what was that about?" I was shocked. "Was something the matter?" Silence. Waiting for my reason. I didnt remember why I called, I went blank. She said, ""I hope it wasnt a test to see if I cared" I said, "I know you care." (in a very low voice.I was trying so very hard not to cry) I kep telling myself over and over dont cry, dont cry, dont cry, dont cry. I think I know why I wanted to cry. She was getting harsh with me and I felt a rough tone. Over wanting her to tell me she cared. Or to say something soothing. Anything. A verbal hug would have helped. But she didnt. Then she brought up my mother, OK. She wants to do what I wanted, go back. She didnt go back very far- she brought up the fact that my mother trashed me to every one of my relatives. I have no relationship with any of my relatives except one. This relative has said to me over and over that I am nothing like the way my mother portrayed me to be. I know that and i know the horrible things she said about me. It was all to make her look good or look like she was somehow being maligned. Anyway, as I talked about that I started to cry. It was very intense for me. Just one of the many ways she has burned bridges for me and deliberately hurt me to help her own cause. I get so angry and frustrated from working on my mother I cry out of helplessness.

I told her I was cancelling thursday b/c I would have my 2 yo with me now that my "babysitters" are back in school. I was going to say at that moment that I was thinking about taking a break. I couldnt say it. I have a feeling she knew there was more I wanted to say. I felt so alone at that moment that any bit of attention was worth coming there for. As long as I dont have another therapist I couldnt leave or take a break. I think she would have been hurt and certainly surprised by me saying I wanted to go. She seems to believe she is helping me by keeping the focus on now and that I am sad not because of childhood things, but because I am dwelling on them. How can she say that? Every bone in my body says that is not true. I dont dwell and think Oh, poor me. She then said you are fortunate with your mother being X and your father being Y that you have been able to do this and that. You have to know that your family wasnt all bad and that there were many good things there. You know what, she has got it all wrong. All wrong. I do not and never have made my family into villians. I have so much pain and hurt and sadness that has to be delt with. I can tell myself that they did the best they could with who they were but it does not mean I am ready to move on. Im not ready to move on. I can say that but I have to be able to have my sadness. And go back and soothe the very hurt, scared and angry little child. In a previous session we had worked on a memory I had of sleeping in my closet (I did this a lot) and having tantrums in there and tearing up my clothes that were on hangers. My only friends in my house were my dolls. It was a sad, painful memory. I was sobbing and sobbing and I felt like she just wasnt there with me. I saw her when I looked up from crying into my hands and she wasnt looking at me. She was looking at her legs and didnt seem to be paying attention. I wont go there again with her. I needed to not be alone at that moment but I felt very alone. Alone in my closet again .

When I was leaving she said to me, "You are angry with me, its OK- its a time of growth for you." Im angry all right. And she is right, it is a time of growth. But what Im going to do about it may surprise her. And no doubt she will assume Im making another bad borderline decision to avoid feelings of abandonment. Maybe I am. I left completely drained.

I havent gotten any calls back from any of the therapists I called....but then again...I havent checked my home machine today. No voicemails from them on the cell.

[Dazed and Confused]

I'm really sorry, clk6! That sounds more than difficult; sounds just plain awful!!

I know you've been conflicted and I've heard you defend your T here, but it sounds like you know what you need to do so maybe today wasn't all bad? Bad, but some good will hopefully come from it.

Good for you for saying what you did! I think you've out grown what your T can provide.

(((((((((((clk))))))))))

i'm so sorry your t is not supporting you. it sounds like a lot of invalidation from what you've posted although it does sound like she does care and is trying to help you in her own way. different people seem to think different types of therapy are helpful, but i do think we all need to trust our own gut instinct. if your gut is telling you to deal with your past then i think it is the way to go. i do think there is a difference between dealing with our past and dwelling on it, and if we've not yet really dealt with it we can hardly be dwelling on it. also, in my experience dealing with a past situation is hardly a one-time event. there seem to be layers to dealing with the hurts. i do hope you are able to find a really good t very soon. take gentle care clk.

clk

I'm so sorry that it was such a rough session for you! I think the thoughts you expressed in your post, about wanting to go back and deal with your childhood, and the fact that your current T refuses to go there, are all the reason you need to seek out another T - to indeed go through that period of growth! I hope you hear back from other T's very soon and can schedule some initial consultations!

[hangingon]

All I can say in reading your post was that it made me want to cry. I imagined myself in your place during that session and thought I could never deal with it. It would have been too painful, I too would have wanted to run. She sounds really "professional" and cold, a huge, huge lack of empathy. She invalidated just about everything you tried to tell her.

I really hope you are blessed with an awesome new T. The client is the one who is supposed to lead the session, your T lets you talk but then counteracts just about everything you say. I have no idea what her philosophy is but it sounds very cold and controlling. I could never handle a therapist like that, I really wonder how much of her own issues pour into session.

Hang in there Ckl
Please let us know how your search goes for a new T, and don't your T belittle you when you do finally tell her. Your doing what you need to do for your healing. She sounds like the type of T that won't like losing control of the situation, but that's good because it's not her therapy anyways, it's yours.

[BlueMoon6]

D&C, Reflection and Dream- Thanks for your kind words. I am looking forward to sessions with other t's to see what could be. Of course, the biggest difference is that she knows me quite well and does care. But its not enough. While I was typing that book up there (sorry it was so long!) the phone rang but I didnt get it. It was one of the t's calling me back! Yay! I called the office number she left but got her machine. When I looked at the phone it was a cell number....dont t's usually have "private" numbers? This one just gave me her cell ! It may be good sign that her boundries arent so rigid. Something I like.

[MissCharlotte]

(clk)

Take care of yourself. This sounds like a difficult time. I had somewhat of a similar experience, and remember when it felt as though my T didn't want to hear about old stuff, and I kept feeling like he was "shutting me down". It was a very very hard stretch of therapy for both T and me. But I finally realized that he was being protective, because I was being retraumatized quite often in session, so he was trying to calm things down. By staying in the present we can see how the trauma is effecting us in our everyday lives. I didn't realize that at first, but I do now and see how using present context gives me a greater understanding of my past. Anyway, I just thought I would share my experience with you. Take care.

[BlueMoon6]

Hangingon- I wish I knew how to describe her. My (long) description is pretty accurate, but that said, she does care for me in her own way and she is trying I think believes she is doing her best. I have a feeling she just isnt sure about what to do with (can I quote you Deli?) my particular brand of crazy.

She tries to be warm and I do think she was trying but this is just who she is. I knew it from the beginning I just ignored it in the way that I ignore things that dont seem right. She has her way of seeing me. When I told her I was cancelling thursday and didnt need to come in twice/week she smiled and said I am feelng better b/c of the medication. I have a feeling being on the meds now has enabled me to not be as depressed and frightened and to make a change. My PNP upped the dose a little on monday and it makes me a little dizzy...but Im dealing with it. Anyway, my t thought all of this had to do with feeling better on the meds. It could be true.

Miss C- Thanks so much. I often wonder if there just isnt some valid reason for my t not wanting me to go back there. I trusted her. But when I work on it I feel like I need the relief of going back and healing the sad little girl. Healing her thoroughly. Not going back and being snapped right back to the present. I need to let her feel and let her speak. She is telling me that she wont let me live a happy life until she is heard. Maybe my t thinks I will be re-traumatized. Or maybe she thinks it will make me de[ressed, dwell on it, feel sorry for myself and not allow me to be happy. My appraoch is just the opposite and I will continue to tell her that until I find someone who can help me. My present is continually affected by my sad little girl. My marriage, my relationship with my children, my feelings about myself, my ability to focus and stay present. Everything. I see my past in my daily life. And youre right, it does give me a greater understanding of my past, but I cant "act as if" my little girl isnt screaming to be helped. She wants to cry and I want to love my children and my husband and my life, but I cant be happy because of her sadness.

[rainbow8]

((((((clk6))))))

You covered a lot in only 40 minutes, but it sounds like it was agony. I'm sorry. The general impression I get is that your T does care about you, and it's only her methods that are not a good fit for you. Aside from the distracting things she does (did she do them today?) during your session, I think her cognitive/behavioral approach (I don't know what else to call it) can be effective for certain conditions, and is not so different from my own T's methods, but it is not effective for YOU, and that's what counts.

About your H. My T said that she "would not be in this business if she didn't think people could change." That's an exact quote from her, one that I remember clearly. Of course your H has to want to change.

I agree that she was totally invalidating about your your "disappearing". She could have asked you more questions about it.

My T also always wanted to get me to a place of health rather than dwell on the past. It's the way she did therapy; it's not right or wrong. She told me that it would not help me to talk about the past. But, unlike your T, she never stopped me. She didn't want to explore it too much; she said that I did with my other Ts, which is true. However, if you feel it's what you need to do, then you need to find a T who will let you go there.

I am so sorry that she wasn't validating when you were crying about your mother. It is very painful to want comfort and not get it. I think that a T who will let you talk to your "inner child" and teach you how to soothe her when she is back in the closet is who you need. To your T's credit, she DID go there with you when you discussed that memory, but she didn't know how to help you enough. I'm sure that you will find a T who can be more supportive and helpful.

Be nice to yourself tonight. It's hard to make changes, but you're doing it and should be proud of yourself.

[BlueMoon6]

Oh Rainbow, you are so wonderful. Thank you. It was dfficult. Yes- I think she cares, but she doesnt have the training to go where I need to go. She really didnt work very hard with my h. I can say that much is definitely true. I know what she did, a few small suggestions isnt enough. He's a tough nut to crack but there must be a way. He wants to change, its just that changes dont stick. She could notundertstand even what I understand about not being present. Daydreaming,huh? About her behaviors, I was watching closely. She put on lipstick and drank tea. Neither was too bad. She was lsistening. I was painfully aware of the huge piece of furniture between us.

She does talk about the past at times, but briefly. She will only change the subject/bring the conversation back to the present if its gone on for more than a few minutes. Not what I need.

I am proud of myself, I think.....And I am so very grateful for the loving, caring support I get here on PC. Im getting better insight here......I thnk you all should charge my insurance company....

((((((((((((((((((((((clk)))))))))))))))))))))) Oh my gosh, what a painful session.

My T believes so strongly that therapy should be driven by the client's "internal wisdom". He believes it SO strongly, that now I believe it too And if your internal wisdom is telling you that you need to deal with childhood stuff, than that's what you need to deal with.

I DO understand the idea of not going there because of the potential for things getting a LOT worse before they get better...and my T has definitely slowed me down before when things have started to kind of spiral out of control. We spent some time "floating" instead of "swimming". But he did it gently, and with a lot of care, and with the understanding that once I had found my feet again, we'd keep working on the things I needed to work on. I felt cared for instead of invalidated. Maybe it's just your T's demeanor, but she just seems so invalidating, and it feels like she's telling you "you're just a big complainer, it wasn't that bad". I don't know about you, but that was the message I got over and over and over and over again growing up if I even dared to let a tear roll down my face. My huge fear is that T will tell me the same thing, but he never has. It IS a big deal, clk. It WAS that bad, and you deserve to be able to get help healing.

You were REALLY brave today. Lots and lots of to you

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by clk6

She does talk about the past at times, but briefly. She will only change the subject/bring the conversation back to the present if its gone on for more than a few minutes. Not what I need.

I think T's need to hear what we have to say, not what they want us to say.

[BlueMoon6]

Its true Pachy that t's need to really hear what we are actually saying.

Tree- every word you said is exactly how I feel. My internal wisdom is telling me that just moving on will not get me healed, I'll be in pain and have the same issues for the rest of my life. I am so afraid of letting it get a lot worse before it gets better b/c I dont trust her enough. What if I work on something and I do think about it after I leave? Will she be telling me, "See? I told you not to dwell on it." Or if I then need a phone call and am sad. Will she be tough with me? I cant go through that. She did bring up the mother stuff after I said I needed to go back- but this mother stuff was not going back really. I feel like I need to talk to my little girl and heal her, she will tell the mother or father stories.
Exactly what happened to you my t is afraid of with me. Maybe she doesnt have the skills to float me for a while and go back again. She thinks I will spiral out of control if I work on it. She has said things like that. And so I get the feeling she wants me to stay in safe territory and stop complaining.It makes me invalidate myself, c'mon clk, stop complaining, you have nothing to be depressed about. And then what? SI? I also grew up in a house where I was NOT allowed to feel sad or let a tear roll down my face, and anger was completely off limits. No feelings, just look OK. And I refused to look OK....but thats another story.....

I got a message from one of the t's I called. I will set up and appt as soon as possible. But I guess it has to be next wk since I have my 2 1/2 yo with me until she starts "school" 2 mornings/wk. I have limited time since she will only be there for a few hours. She loves it, if some weeks I put her in 3 days it would be OK. I hope I can get appts. Major anxiety here about what to say.

Do you think I should tell t-candidates much about why I want a new t and what is going on with curent t?

[sunrise]

Your post was hard to read, clk--that session was so awful. I wanted to personally walk out of the door of that session for you. I think your T has a problem.

I said how was your vacation? She smiled.

She didn't answer? She chose to ignore the first thing you said? Wow, how rude. Why did she smile? Does it amuse her to be rude?

She basically told me that this is the man I married and there is nothing I can do about it.

Hmmm, this doesn't sound like a therapist speaking. How does this comment help you to learn to manage relationships better, to communicate better with your spouse?

She just doesnt kknow what to do and she said that.

It sounds like she is realizing the limitations of her skills to help you.

She said to me "(my name) I have no idea what you are taking about or what that is." I said "neither do I" and left it at that.

I think the two of you are just totally not on the same wave length. About much of anything. It just sounds like there is no "fit" there between the two of you. It also sounds like she is bereft of imagination and unable to think in any other way except for the 100% concrete.

She said, basically... that I ... am exaggerating how I feel

I hate when people try to tell me how I feel. I wonder why she can't listen to you and hear you tell her how you feel? What's up with her? I've never heard of a T who is so dense! (Do you think she really has a credential?)

I have so much pain and hurt and sadness that has to be delt with.

clk, it sounds like you have a lot of grieving to do over your childhood, the way your mother treated you, etc. Grief can be a long process. It really doesn't help to keep trying to put it off, it will always come back. I hope you can find a T who will let you be sad and let you grieve, and just sit with you through it. Sometimes I get very frustrated with grieving and how I can get sad in session (again and again). I think, "more?! When I am going to be done grieving?" But my T is much more patient than I am and says to just let it come out, little by little--it can take months or years. But it does feel so much better to let yourself feel the sadness. What a relief to not have to keep it at bay any longer. clk, I hope you will persevere in your quest for a new therapist who is more understanding. You deserve someone to help you through this, to sit in that sadness with you. There's something really healing about that.

I said, "I know you care."

You do? What you've written about her doesn't demonstrate caring to me.

Then she brought up my mother, OK. She wants to do what I wanted, go back.

I guess I don't understand why your T decides the topics that you talk about. That would make me feel really bad, very powerless, and wondering whose therapy is this anyhow?

She seems to believe she is helping me by keeping the focus on now and that I am sad not because of childhood things, but because I am dwelling on them. How can she say that? Every bone in my body says that is not true.

Only you know what you need to heal. Trust yourself.

She tries to be warm

I didn't see any evidence of that in your description of the session.

clk, do you think you will go back after that session? Is continuing to see her better than not having a T for a few weeks as you search around?

Do you think I should tell t-candidates much about why I want a new t and what is going on with curent t?

I don't know. Good question. When I began seeing my current T, he asked if I had been in therapy before, and I said yes. (I had quit a couple of months earlier with a T I'd seen for 9 months.) I also told him I was stuck and couldn't move forward (in life, or in therapy). And that was the end of the discussion. He knew I had been in therapy and that I had reached I point where I couldn't make any progress. He didn't need to know more. We focused on my issues rather than a past therapist's skills or approach. clk, I think you will find a lot of relief if you can find a therapist who will do the work you want to do. You may find that the situation with your former T just isn't worth talking about. That's just one path to take. If you want to talk about your former T in therapy, then you certainly can. Not sure how much time you would want to devote to that in your interview sessions though.

I am glad one of the new T's called you back. Hope you can see her as soon as possible.

[Kiya]

Clk, I am for following your gut descision and really hope the other Ts call you back!!!! (((((((((((hugs!)))))))) that did sound just awful!!!!!

[Kiya]

"Do you think I should tell t-candidates much about why I want a new t and what is going on with curent t? "

I switched t's overlapping like this too. It was difficult but it was what needed to happpen. I totally felt like i was cheating, because i did it when she was on vacation. The new T made sure that I told the old t I was quitting (which i never did, actually ). I told old t i was taking a break. Nor did i ever turn in the signed contract with the new t *scuffles feet*. now i am with yet another T who is the perfect fit, and i did finally go back and tell old old t that i was going to work with this last person. So i am all in the good again *whew*.

I'm writing to say that what the new t will need to know is that you are stopping therapy with old t before starting with new t, and that you have told old t you are not continuing.

[GrayNess]

I think I can understand what your T is trying to do, although I wouldn't say it's a very effective method for most people, including yourself. I think she's trying to in a way force you to break the barriers and is doing so in a way meant to represent "tough love". It may work for some people but it's pretty clear it's not meant to work for you so I don't know why she's continuing with it. For example, the part of where you called during vacation and how she asked if that was to see if she cared. I think she's doing this probably because she has no clue what else to do and is resorting to what would be considered as a last resort while still having somewhat of a client-therapist bond.

As for her not talking about your past a lot, I suppose she wants you to look to the future and that's what her philosophy seems to be.

Of course, I could be dead wrong and she's just a lousy therapist for you and possibly for others. However, the reason why I'm doubting that she's a lousy therapist to others is she would've been fired already or put on notice, and if she is on notice, then continuing with her behavior would be the last thing someone would do. So for that reason, I think she's trying to force you out of your barriers rather forcefully and wants you to look ahead to the future without dwelling on your past a lot.

I think that she may sense that you indeed do want to say something else to her or cry or whatever else and she's aware you're blocking yourself from this. So, perhaps she wants you to let it out and then work from there once the barriers are somewhat down. There are various ways at going about to do this and I'm assuming her other attempts failed and so this is more of an aggressive method or if you wanted to be more correct, a more passive-aggressive method.

When you see your new T, you can hopefully tell him/her about what your previous T did to make you want to leave. You could do it a) to show them what not to do and b) to get their reaction as a fellow therapist. Perhaps you could ask or they could tell why your old T may have done what she did, although I also suppose that the new T may not want to dwell on that and simply leave it behind.

clk, is your current T CBT? i know they tend to focus on the here and now more than delving into the past. i've had some nice but not very helpful Ts in the past and i did a ton of research to figure out what type of therapy i wanted this time around. i knew for me psychodynamic would be a good fit and CBT just wouldn't work as my willpower to change my thinking seems to be nill. it just feels like cognitive dissonance when i try it, but i know others who are great at getting their pesky thoughts to get in line, lol. my t is great; she is psychodynamic and very empathetic and we have tons in common. it did take a little while to find her, but i'm sure you'll find the right one for you too.

[peaches100]

Clk6,

I agree that t's have different therapeutic orientations and methods, and what works for one person does not work for another. Your t sounds like a CBT therapist. The type of t you say you want is a psychodynamic therapist. Since you are pretty sure you need to address things from the past and heal the pain of that hurt little girl inside you, i would suggest you let any potential new therapist know that you are looking for a t with a psychodynamic approach. You might tell them that you've tried a CBT approach that focuses only on the here and now, and it's not well working for you. Let them know you are interested in working with a t who can help you understand and heal from past traumas. If you're concerned about going too fast and getting triggered or spiraling down, let them know you want to take things s-l-o-w-l-y.

She put lipstick on during your session? If my T were focused on her makeup rather than on me and my needs during my session, I would find that off-putting, but I think mine places a higher value on connecting in session than yours does.

Anyway, I'm sorry that you're having to struggle so much to be heard, and I hope you find a new T soon! It's ok to be pushed sometimes, but you deserve to work with someone who will really listen and try to meet you half way.

[sunrise]

clk, I know a couple of people have suggested psychodynamic Ts and I wanted to chime in that there are Ts with other orientations who could provide all the things you are looking for, so you shouldn't necessarily limit your search to psychodynamic. It is hard enough to find a good T without having too narrow of a list of requirements. For example, my T is not psychodynamic and he could provide all the things your T seems to be lacking: empathy, caring, unconditional positive regard, willingness to examine the past, work with younger ego states (the hurt and sad little girl inside you speak of), dream analysis, creativity and flexibility of technique, griefwork, a belief that the therapeutic relationship is healing and important in its own right, etc. My T is a family systems therapist with a strong piece of humanistic psychology mixed in. He also uses ego state therapy, lifespan integration (his latest thing), and EMDR (which has a cognitive component). He self discloses a lot, and for me, it is very healing. He does not answer a question from the client with another question. He is very genuine, authentic, and congruent. He doesn't "hide" from the client. He does not believe in Freud. However, he does not do CBT at all. No homework, no focus on irrational thinking, no working on just the symptoms but not the causes of problems, etc.

Anyway, just wanted to comment that if a CBT approach doesn't work for someone, that psychodynamic is not the only game in town.

My T and Sunny's T are so similar, and I know that one thing they have in common is calling themselves "Humanistic". Just something to think about.

[deliquesce]

(((((clk))))))

one thing i will say (have i chimed in on this thread already? i need some sleep) is that i started expressing my doubts to pdoc about old-T about a year before i had *enough* and quit.

pdoc kept encouraging me to do so, because he could see how much i was hurting, but i also hung on to those times when old-T was nice to me and treasured them so much. i had a bad cancer scare once and old-T said he would give me a hug if he wasn't my psychologist. he then gave me a lecture about how psychologists dont touch their clients etc, which left me confused because i had never indicated wanting any touch from him. it felt a bit weird to be listening to that stuff when i was bawling my eyes out.

but the bit that stayed with me for the next few months was the fact that he said he would've given me a hug. i thought that in itself was so nice.

i think you're so brave to keep coming back and replying to everyone's posts. i almost-purposefully forgot the crap things old-T said to me (that he didnt believe me when i disclosed csa, that he didnt believe me when i said i didnt have sexual thoughts about him --> major, major trigger!!, that women reach their peak of attractiveness at 24 so i needed to find a boyfriend soon because otherwise ppl wouldn't take notice of me). like - seriously - it was only after i quit with him that this stuff started to get processed. i look back and am like, wtf was i thinking?! but at the time i like that he let me move my chair away from him because i didnt like us being close, that he leant me a towel once when i had got caught in a downpour on the way to his office, that he thought i was intelligent. i liked those things and it hurt so much when pdoc used to say "maybe you should stop seeing him", because i didnt want anyone to criticise him.

this is just a long winded ramble, i'm so sorry. im exhausted and just rambling. just wanted to say i think you're brave and i admire you so much for taking the steps that you are taking. i can say, along with everyone else - get out of that lady's office quick smart!!! but you're miles ahead of where i ever was in terms of dealing with an ambiguous situation (crumbs of concern mixed in with a lot of... blankness?), so i'll just stop typing and maybe go to bed.

.

[Confused_1982]

Wow, what an awful session. Well done for staying there with t- I would have felt like walking out too

For me, the connection with T is more important than their orientation. Its important that you get what you need from your T, and feel that they are "with" you and that they understand your needs, which your current T obviously doesn't. It sounds like she does care but not in a way that "fits" with you. I think so much of therapy is connected with how we feel with T- can we disclose, trust, know that we will be accepted for who we are and for what we have/are going through, etc- that I don't think orientation is AS important.

My current T is a CBT but we do go back sometimes. Regardless, I know that his style fits mine, and I can trust him. He will go "there" if I need to and will adjust his style to help me. Sometimes I do feel that I need to go further back, but his approach, his personality, the way I feel safe with him, the trust, etc, is all more important to me in being able to move forward. If you don't feel that connection with T then I think whatever therapy you are in, it won't work.

I hope you find a new T who will be on your wavelength

[BlueMoon6]

She didn't answer? She chose to ignore the first thing you said? Wow, how rude. Why did she smile? Does it amuse her to be rude?

Well..I also wondered why she didnt give me any kind of response. The only reason I can come up with is that she wants to be a complete blank wall to me. I dont get to know anything about her.

I didn't see any evidence of that in your description of the session.

I know- the way she talks to me and the tone in her voice can be warm. But there is a distance I feel from her and I cant talk.

Sunny- This is real true- the one bright spot is that I can talk about what it brought up for me to be talking to someone like that. It brings up a lot. And how it feels familiar.

I'm writing to say that what the new t will need to know is that you are stopping therapy with old t before starting with new t, and that you have told old t you are not continuing.

Kiya- This is going to be something that will come up. I will probably overlap, I am afraid not to.
I spent a lot of time this morning on the phone with my insurance co. My med appts do not affect my visit appts. So I will have enough to see condidates and be in therapy through the end of the year. PHEW!

Grayness- Thanks- You know, the tough love thing is too painful for me. The toughness feels like a disregard for me and for my feelings. As if I am in the way and should just shut up and stop making noise. No one cares. She has been tough with me at points when I am sobbing in the room and still she is tough. This is soemthing I can tell a t-candidate. That direct is OK- tough and rough is a fine line for me and I can feel that something is too rough very easlily when it comes to a therapist.

Reflection and Peaches- The CBT thing- I have a feeling she does these techniques with me. Its not the first time I have thought that. All b/c of the bpd. As far as I understand it, a psychodynamic approach would help me to delve and heal past wounds. I have never done it well. Even in rehab where they were doing a lot of that stuff. I have a direction to go in now when I talk to new t's. And to go slowly.....Thanks...

How is it to talk to a bunch of t's and repeat your story a few times.? I imagine this is going to be weird.

Notme- Yes- she put ther lipstick on in the last session, too. And I think hand lotion.

More later after I get my kids from school-
Thanks all for the replies. You cannot imagine how helpful this all is. You just cannot imagine how grateful I am.