[Kiya]

and can't get myself to call t.
just called her yesterday with my YAY i'm doing so well, i'm at the beach message....
am on the cusp of SI and danger and really trying to get through.
not sure if it is from doing so well yesterday (tho at the end of the day internals were suggesting harm) or from the meds being titrated, or both. just went down another 1/4 last night on the AD.... slipping fast.
took an extra 1/4 just now to hopefully get me thru tonight (PNP said to if stuff happened).
thought about calling PNP, but it is her cell and really... i can get through -i think. one way or the other.
haven't been actively sui since jan... am slightly worried, but know i can call t if things get worse - but don't want to cuz she might hosp. me which i think would be the worst outcome poss.
can't get myself to work on my paper for anything - due tomorrow.
sorry to gripe about crap.

(((((((((kiya girl)))))))))

no words of advice just

[hangingon]

Kiya,
Do you think that perhaps the deadline of the paper is what is causing you stress? Sometimes I get very overwhelmed with school work, I'm a bit of a perfectionist and I really flip if my deadline doesn't allow for me to come up with a good paper. Then again, sometimes my best work is done last minute but I still stress over it.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now. Can you try to remind yourself that this will pass, sort of sit with it for the moment? I know its not easy. Sending you big hugs

[coconut64]

(((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))) I was where you are last week. Ended up SIng on Thrusday, then got a lecture from T on Friday. I wasn't able to call him either all week. I don't express my anger so apparently I internalize it and then the bad stuff happens. Do call T. Do reach out. Do express your feelings some other way. I know easier said than done. Hang in there

[BlueMoon6]

((((((Kiya ))))) Please know you have so many here that care about you
Is there another reason you are going titrating off your meds?
Can you try, really try to call t? Your t really cares about you and would want to hear about SI danger. You are so worth making the call to help Kiya.

Lots of hugs and love for you

((((((((((((((((((kiya))))))))))))))))))

My guess is T would want you to call. Maybe yesterday was the universe giving you a chance for a "practice" call...calling when everything is okay, just to check in and tell T you were happy. Now you know you can call, because you did it.

Be gentle with you, sweet kiya. Does getting outside help? Sometimes changing my location in a big way distracts me. Could you go out and connect with the sky and the trees and the dirt? I could go out too and connect with you from far far away

Thinking of you, reaching out to hold BOTH hands..

[Kiya]

ok we finally emailed t. we told her not to freak out on us @_@ bt the typing wasn't good and spelling wasn't good. don't want her to read it. don't want her to panic. wrote it late so she won't get it for a while. can't call. not this time. if things still bad tomorrow, will call PNP. maybe we need to go slower off the meds. took extra tonight to get through. numb better than where we were.
ty for all the encouragement. need it. this came outta the blue. ty tree for holding both hands.... need it. lots. gonna try and sleep. still not finish paper yet. tho, am closer.

[skeksi]

I'm so glad you were able to reach out with the e-mail, Kiya. And that you've decided to call PNP if it's still bad. That's self-care.

Be gentle with yourself.

[MissCharlotte]

Hope you get some good rest. Sometimes it's the only thing that helps.

(((((((((Kiya)))))))))))

I also wish that when you awaken the storm is over.

[sunrise]

How are you doing today, Kiya?

If you think this is meds related, I think you should call your PNP. Or at the very least, stop titrating downward until your next visit. Just hold steady at the current level (or the one before it). How often are you seeing PNP? During the tapering process, you might need to see her more frequently than usual, or at least have phone contact for progress reports.

[Kiya]

thanks all, at the moment i am more stable than at any time yesterday. Made breakfast, cleaned the dishes, all good forward motion. Like you say, Sunrise, I may need to stay at the level before this on the meds (3/4 a tab) a bit longer. I see the PNP every 3 weeks right now. I am trying really hard not to call her on the weekend if poss. But I will see how today goes and if I can try half a tab again or not.
The main thing I noticed was "the house seems different" - empty, i don't know how to discribe it. not sure if that was a med thing or a head thing Right now my stomach isn't holding on to food either, so that is surely a med thing. All the problems I had going on Lexapro, i am having going on Celexa generic.
(((((((((all)))))))))

[BlueMoon6]

Kiya- I hope you got some good sleep and are feeling more grounded. Did you get an email back?
If its medication related maybe it is a good idea to stay where you are until you talk to your PNP.

Please try and be gentle with you. You sound better today. Maybe if you call your PNP will have soothing words for you and give you some direction on which way to go with the meds. It sounds like it could be a result of going off medication.

maybe if you work on your paper it will help?

Love to you
((((((Kiya ))))

[Kiya]

Nope - no email back... which might be a good thing @_@
I did do my paper... not quite my best work *sigh* but it is done. for now.
ty

[Kiya]

Heard from t today:

"I was very glad you were able to go to the beach, and have been looking toward next therapy steps. Often when one is on track, lots of parts get scared. I am thinking as kiya holds steady with goals, even when there are challenges, trust will build. Trust is key. I hope that all is feeling better by now. See you soon. "