I'm awake!

Since T returned last week, things have been intense internally. Emails back and forth with T and today I went in lifted up the box of tissues that sits beside me, and noticed it wasn't the one sitting there before the break and the writing underneath the box read "The same..." and I said to T, "But its not the same is it"? T said I can bring the other box back if you'd like, its in the house still". I replied "Nope its gone now, got a new life".

I then said to T that I've only just grasped that she's back, that we've commenced therapy, T said it feels as if what we had before the break has been lost? and whats come back isn't the same?" yup I nodded, then she said, like your mother going and not coming back the same? Gradually something started to happen, T said can you put words to it, I nodded fighting back tears, but then it was like I saw my mothers face from the only photo I have off her, materializing in front of me and as if it was coming out of my body, I had been her and T had been her and everything was caught up in the longing and wanting and missing her. I tried to put as much as this into words for T and then T said, "how do you feel now?" I said, "like I've just woken up, I can see you, you are back, I am not my mother, and shes been gone a long long time" T said "yes, but it must feel confusing sometimes, that its been a long time and yet not a long time"

As we sat with this quietly I begun to feel the letting go of the need to control T, control full stop, I said this, that I don't feel the need to control you now, to have you how and where I want you", T replied "Need to control? Or compulsion?" wow, yeah it was a compulsion that the break speeeded up.

I then added, but this could all change at any time, the control thing LOL" and she laughed, it was a nice warm moment, and its so good to be in the here and now and not stuck in a emotional nightmare that seems so real when your in it!

Welcome, Melbadaze, to the world of at-least-partially-awake-people. Not that you weren't already there.

Really sounds as though you have a great T, too.

I am glad you were able to connect with T- it must be such a freeing experience. I hope you can continue on this pathway with T