[pinksoil]

This is a typical day for me:

I take the bus to work and I cannot read on the bus because I am obsessed with paying attention to the way the bus is being driven. I visualize it flipping off the road into the river. I watch where the driver is going, wondering if maybe he will take the bus on an unknown route and abduct everyone.

I sit at my desk imagining what it would be like if suddenly, a huge explosion happened outside.

I never think of the "good times" with my dad-- I can only focus on the traumatic things surrounding his death.

I think about how anything can happen to my body at any time. I can imagine what it would feel like to suddenly have a heart attack and drop dead (I'm only 28, and to my knowledge, I'm pretty healthy).

If I go on the subway, I am sure someone has a bomb or there will be a blackout and the subway will get stuck.

These are not the normal Generalized Anxiety Fears. They are completely irrational and they dominate my thinking all day long. I can't even get a rest from them during my sleep because they turn up in my dreams. I know it is irrational to think like this all the time, but I'm really afraid these things are going to happen.

I am so freaking hypervigilant, watching for the next catastrophe that I think might happen.

I sit up at night, imagining what it would be like if the door suddenly burst open.

What the hell is going on here?

[sunrise]

It sounds unusual for you, pinksoil. How long has it been going on? Was there something that happened that precipitated this--the loss of your father?

I hope you will see your T soon and bring this to him. I think he would be the person to ask, "what is going on here?" He knows you so well.

Take care.

(((((((((((((((pink))))))))))))))

I always thought of those as PTSD symptoms. That is EXACTLY how I felt before starting therapy and for a long time once I was in therapy. I remember one night going to the drug store and feeling sure that someone was going to pull out a gun and start shooting, and then leaving there and driving to a friend's house, and being sure that the car behind me was actually following me, etc. I was always, ALWAYS scared and it was exhausting. I felt like if I didn't remain really AWARE at all times (like what you said about the bus), then something really bad was going to happen. If I went to an AA meeting, I was just waiting for someone to come in the door with a gun, etc.

I honestly only feel like that now when I am REALLY stressed out - not on a daily basis like I used to. I think it was a combination of klonopin (which gave me the chance to experience the world without all of that fear, and to begin relating to the world in a different way) and therapy (which just made me fee safer in general). The loss of that constant hypervigilance has been one of the biggest changes I've had in thearpy. It still floats into my head occasionally, but not in the constant way that it used to.

I'm sorry you're going through that. It's exhausting and no fun.

[pinksoil]

Originally Posted by sunrise

It sounds unusual for you, pinksoil. How long has it been going on? Was there something that happened that precipitated this--the loss of your father?

I hope you will see your T soon and bring this to him. I think he would be the person to ask, "what is going on here?" He knows you so well.

Take care.

Actually it has been going on for years-- I just hide it really well, lol. There is not one significant trigger that I can think of that would precipitate the way I function... lots of small things, yes... but no big thing. This has been going on waaaaaaay before I lost my father. It had gotten a tiny, tiny bit better after being in therapy for awhile, but then once I did lose my dad, it increased again... only it's worse than ever. It's definitely one of the things that I will talk to T about today-- if I feel like talking, lol.

[pinksoil]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I always thought of those as PTSD symptoms. That is EXACTLY how I felt before starting therapy and for a long time once I was in therapy. I remember one night going to the drug store and feeling sure that someone was going to pull out a gun and start shooting, and then leaving there and driving to a friend's house, and being sure that the car behind me was actually following me, etc.

Wow, that sound exactly like me. There have been many times I thought a car was following me-- again, it's not paranoia-- because I sense how irrational I'm being-- yet the fear is real. I'm sure you understand what I mean.

This morning I was running late (as usual) and I have to take two buses to work. I wanted to take the subway instead of the 1st bus b/c it's faster-- but it always makes me way more anxious. I got on the subway and rode to the first stop (the stop I get off is only three stops away). People got on the train. Then what usually happens is the automated voice says, "Doors closing." This time the doors remained opened and I started getting extremely anxious and afraid... I thought something would happen, but I have no idea what I was even afraid of. I couldn't take the anxiety anymore, so I got off the train (door were still open, train hadn't moved yet) and went to street level to wait for a bus, and was then late for work. I have this thing where is something is thrown off slightly then I completely freak out. I'm sure the train was just waiting for a train further down the the line to move, or maybe the conductor had to do something before he started the train again-- but just because it wasn't exactly what I was used to, I freaked out and had to get off the train.
And if I do ride the train, I am listening and watching for every little thing that might be out of the ordinary (for me). What I say is "out of the ordinary" are minor things that no one else would notice (like a little sound).

I'm exhausted and my day just started.

[Melbadaze]

Could be that your trying to master your and every humanbeings inate fear of dying. All the ways we could die are constantly bombarded into our psyche through news bulletins and films and media in general, and your fathers passing was the trigger for this?? perhaps, I know I use to stand on the edge of subway platforms and feel that I would just jump or be pushed, something about the phantasy taking away the daytime death anxiety.

[pinksoil]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

Could be that your trying to master your and every humanbeings inate fear of dying. All the ways we could die are constantly bombarded into our psyche through news bulletins and films and media in general, and your fathers passing was the trigger for this?? perhaps, I know I use to stand on the edge of subway platforms and feel that I would just jump or be pushed, something about the phantasy taking away the daytime death anxiety.

That's an interesting thought, Melba. However, this has been happening long before my dad died. It's also not just me that I worry about-- for example, if my husband is supposed to be home by 4:45, I'm already freaking out by 4:40. I remember doing some of these things when I was a little girl.

[Melbadaze]

could be underlying anger. Even anger at those we are "suppose" to love, I know I use to have dreams my husband would throw our son out of the window when he was a new born, and thought perhaps this was me being over protective, but finally realised I was suppressing anger at the change to my life with the birth of my first baby.

[deliquesce]

it actually does sound a lot like generalised anxiety to me? the catastrophic worry & constant bombardment of "what ifs" in every situation fit GAD quite well. especially now that you mention that you've been doing it since you were a child....

but - LOL - i just finished a lit review on GAD and current theories/treatment for it, so of course i'm seeing everything fit perfectly. i haven't studied any of the other anxiety disorders in as much depth, so who knows.

i think sunny's idea to check it out with your T is a good one - he knows you best, afterall.

[Confused_1982]

I agree with Treehouse- it sounds like PTSD to me, but I have also read stuff on anxiety disorders, and it could be that too. LIke Sunrise and Deli it is something I would definitely bring up with T. I am sorry you are feeling this way

[Medeo]

My first post on this site, I hope it's OK to just jump in. Pinksoil, it sounds as if you might be experiencing heightened anxiety symptomolgy. Have you discussed this with your therapist? He will most likely be equipped to help you lessen the hypervigilance and fear, and find ways to reduce your anxiety levels.

[Brightheart]

Sounds a lot like anxieties to me. Maybe even a bit of agoraphobia? But you said it happens in the house as well? Anxieties are often times irrational fears. Have you noticed little things repeatedly setting you off? A twisted, sick feeling that some horrible thing is about to happen and you can't stop it? Difficult time relaxing? Do you experience any physical symptoms with the fears?

[MissCharlotte]

I agree that your fears sound a lot like ptsd to me. They sound scary. The thoughts sound intrusive I think it's a way for our unconscious to try and control things before they happen so we won't get hurt. Sort of an "I'll get you before you get me kinda thing."

I suffer from intrusive thoughts too, and I know it can be very distressing. I will say that they are worse when I am under more stress, and it could be activated by the anniversary of your father's death. So, yes, you had it before but the anniversary may have triggered their resurgence, making them even more powerful now.

I wish I could be more help.

[deliquesce]

Originally Posted by Medeo

My first post on this site, I hope it's OK to just jump in. Pinksoil, it sounds as if you might be experiencing heightened anxiety symptomolgy. Have you discussed this with your therapist? He will most likely be equipped to help you lessen the hypervigilance and fear, and find ways to reduce your anxiety levels.

welcome to PC, medeo!

i think a generic "anxiety symptomology" is the best way any of us can describe it from here (over the net). intrusive, catastrophic thoughts run the gamut of anxiety disorders (OCD, PTSD, panic disorder, GAD) so i think it's difficult to speak to the aetiology of this.

one technique i know that is meant to be effective is to imagine the situation in as much detail as you can (visually). think about sights, sounds, smells etc. it's a technique derived from emotional processing theory and has been shown to be effective in reducing anxiety across the spectrum even if you don't have a "core" fear (like a phobia of heights).

because we find our images/thoughts disturbing, we try to avoid them and that just increases the intrusiveness of those thoughts later on. so the idea is that if we immerse ourselves in the potential experience that we fear, it allows it to be processed emotionally, which reduces the occurence of other related fears also.

[crystalrose]

hi. I used to have them fears all the time. I have complex ptsd. I see a therapist and pdoc and take medication for it. It really sounds like you may have both ptsd and gad. Has any event made the fears worse or is it always like that

[Kiya]

It's a typical life for me, Pink. I have catastrophic thinking allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll the time. literally.
@_@

I think MissC hit it right on ...with the anniversary

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by pinksoil

This is a typical day for me:

I take the bus to work and I cannot read on the bus because I am obsessed with paying attention to the way the bus is being driven. I visualize it flipping off the road into the river. I watch where the driver is going, wondering if maybe he will take the bus on an unknown route and abduct everyone.

I sit at my desk imagining what it would be like if suddenly, a huge explosion happened outside.

I never think of the "good times" with my dad-- I can only focus on the traumatic things surrounding his death.

I think about how anything can happen to my body at any time. I can imagine what it would feel like to suddenly have a heart attack and drop dead (I'm only 28, and to my knowledge, I'm pretty healthy).

If I go on the subway, I am sure someone has a bomb or there will be a blackout and the subway will get stuck.

These are not the normal Generalized Anxiety Fears. They are completely irrational and they dominate my thinking all day long. I can't even get a rest from them during my sleep because they turn up in my dreams. I know it is irrational to think like this all the time, but I'm really afraid these things are going to happen.

I am so freaking hypervigilant, watching for the next catastrophe that I think might happen.

I sit up at night, imagining what it would be like if the door suddenly burst open.

What the hell is going on here?

I cant tell you what it is cause im not one of your doctors but if you google your symptoms you will come up with all kinds of things it could ranging from anxiety, ocd, ptsd, schizophrenic hallucinations, schizophrenic delusions. but its probably best if you call your doctors and set up an appointment to talk about this and then they can tell you for sure what it is.

[ECHOES]

pink, it sounds like you are still processing the reality of the suddenness of your Dad's death and that it is universal--it can happen to any of us at any time. That seems to be the message that keeps coming and it may until it can be accepted in some way. It may take a lot of time and work and may pop up from time to time, but then as you know, with acceptance there will be peace.

sounds like PTSD to me....... a good thing to talk to your T about :-) You said he does EMDR, and I think that might help a lot with those thoughts.