deli had a mind snap ***Triger*

Deli - can't you see T AND your friends on your birthday?

I saw T on my birthday last year and it was really nice

whena reyou seein pdoc again or Austn T?

pleas e let them know what is happening wiht you

they can help

you knw they can

and they wont judge you
they both care so much

its late and we shoudl both be sleeping - 1am - so if you havnt already - get some rest - lack of sleep makes these things worse

night night - take care my friend - keep in touch P7

i dont really like birthdays, so i've never seen friends on the actual day. usually we do something nice on the following weekend, or maybe the weekend before though.

when i was with old-T, i had just finished my last exam for the semester and then i'd gone across to see him later that afternoon. he asked me (in a really surprised voice) why i was seeing him and not getting drunk with all of my friends? (err... given that i dont drink and didnt have any friends in that subject because i did it online).

so now i worry that if i show up on any day of significance that Austin-T will think im a loser too. this is in addition to me already feeling crap because i thought my life at this age would have been significantly different to what it really is.

i'm sorry. that's a different can of worms we're opening there . did T know it was your birthday last year, tree? did you tell him or did he remember himself?

back at you, darling.

yes. i think sleep is a good idea. i didnt realise it was 1am. probably why i'm crying (tired). thank you for looking out for me ((((((P7)))))))))).

Wow, you have been through a lot the last couple of days!
I bet T won't think you are a loser for coming in on your birthday. I bet T will be flattered! You would rather take care of yourself with him there than do nothing! That's pretty cool!

I hope you have a better day today. Sending lots of warm, safe

Oooooh sweet girl, we have got to get you out of that house away from your abusers and stress and strife!!! Definately see pdoc. he cares so much. this is *when to turn to our care team* not stay away.
((((((((((((((((((Deli)))))))))))))))))))
wishing i could start a home for girls like us, who are stuck in terrible situations with no where to turn, and wisk you out of there.

"pdoc and austin-T say how difficult it is for them to read me, because i hold everything so perfectly inside, dont show the slightest bit of emotion to anyone. i think pdoc would've dropped off his chair if he had witnessed my hysterics. ugh. gross."

not at all. i had one of these mind snaps several years ago - was raging and screaming and grabbed a thing of ice cubes and threw them one by one across the stree from my balcony after squeezing them tightly. mom was fit to be tied too about my mind snap. when i told t, she said "i wish i could have been there to see it" for the exact same reason as what you stated - i hold on to everything so tight and always look calm.

I told him. My therapy day last year actually fell on his birthday (in Nov) and my birthday (in Dec). He thought it was cool that we got to spend both of out birthdays together. I did too

hey deli...not fer nothing but i actually like going to see t and my regular doc on my birthday...these 2 women see me at my best and at my worst all year and probably know me better than alot of my "friends." each year on either "the day" or the day day closest we have a small party and gifts are exchanged...the peeps get something and i get something too...its a big deal...whether things have been good or bad.

i think i (or one of the peeps told them when i first started with them that birthdays were one of the big things...there had to be at least a card... no one mentioned gifts because that would be tacky...but it has morphed into that. we do not buy gifts for them on their birthdays but the funny thing is that our regular doc is sort of obsessing that she will not see us before our birthday because we only come in every few weeks...she is like "i WILL SEE YOU BEFORE YOUR BIRTHDAY RIGHT?" everytime she sees us...for the last 6 weeks ...

so not to worry about spending it with them...they should be honored.

I saw T on my birthday last year. The first thing she said was happy birthday but i was embarrassed so i said "no its not my birthday" she looked puzzled and got up and looked on her computer and said "yes it is" so i hid my face from her. How are you going now deli i think you should see your T hope things are getting better.

Another friend of mine found herself in a similar space a couple of months ago. It seemed (to me, at least) that she was trying to stop herself from thinking about something that would be even more uncomfortable for her.

I was wondering if, when you were getting ready to call yourself harsh names in another thread a while ago, you were similarly trying to stop yourself from thinking/remembering something unpleasant.

I can't speak for you, but if it were my "something unpleasant" I think I'd (eventually! lol) find it less trouble to just go ahead and let myself think/remember it.

((((((((((((((((((deli))))))))))))))))))))

T and pdoc will not judge you - they never have and prob never will - they are both such kind acring people - what a nice way to spend some time on your birthday - wiht people who care about you

There is no shame in what you did - even then you did the best you could - there is no shame in not having plans for your birthday - even NOT doing anything is a plan remember

take care P7

Deli, in light of your great news, I can't help but wonder if there's a relation here.

It seems honors for you meant a lot of things--the academic pride, improving your chances at going on to advanced degrees and better schools, scholarships, leaving your current uni if they wouldn't let you be part time, maybe having to move to a different city to enroll in a college where you could go part-time, which would entail leaving friends, family, some financial security and a place to live, friends---Austin-T and pdoc..........the stakes for you were enormous: career, family, socially, financially, therapy, academic.........EVERY major category of life activities and relationships.

Wow. A very heavy load of stress. Food for thought.

p.s. I went thru massive stress with undergrad honors program of a non-traditional variety and similar with getting to go to grad school. Seriously challenging and stressful, but a very big deal in a positive way for you. And you're doing it despite MI. Awesome.

oh, thank you all so much for your replies . and for sharing birthday stories. i mentioned it was my birthday this week when i saw pdoc on friday, and he asked me what day, and he said he would probably see me the day after anyway. i dont know what the "anyway" meant, but ok. i'm scared about turning older.

re: the mind snap. things had just got really heavy at home. my puppy had passed away, and dad was telling me i killed her, but also looking for a new puppy to replace her and make me happy. i didnt want a replacement, or a new puppy or anything, but mum kept saying that maybe i should get one before he got one for me (because if i had to choose, i wanted a girl and one who was slightly older), so i'd finally decided to adopt a pound puppy and i'd told him the day before and he went nuts. and then mum went nuts too and said i couldn't have one. and that killed me, because i'd decided to do something i didnt want to do, and had actually committed to looking after something for another 15 years or so, and then they turned around and said "no", after i'd arranged to pick it up the next day. it had been so difficult trying to reconcile getting a new puppy after my baby had died - not even a week gone - but i'd managed to do it because mum was pressuring me to before dad did it of his own accord, and then they said no. i really did lose the plot .

long story short, we have a new pup. i am stupid, i know. but i couldn't figure out how to tell the lady who was holding it for me (she's said no to an earlier applicant because she thought i was better suited) and also because i'd become stubborn and furious by that stage and couldn't bear to let them pressure me into something else again. i know i need to choose my battles more wisely. i know that. but we have a new dog now and they ignored it and me for the first day but now dad lets it sleep in their bedroom and takes it with him everywhere .

i think what bluemoon said is right - that i was frustrated and in a rage and had no one to take it out on apart from myself. i know i need to figure the anger thing out more. i am usually so good with controlling my emotions, being moderate in how i react to really bad situations, that i dont think we've (pdoc/austin-T) ever discussed how to work through anger that i can't control. i just dont get intense emotions like that. i dont know what to do with it, and how i reacted was so automatic. if i had even had 2 seconds to think about it, i know i wouldn't have done what i did. because when i finally did 'come to' and realise what was happening, i made myself stop. gah. i really hate admitting that i am angry to anyone, that i know it's going to take a lot of courage to admit to pdoc or austin-T that i got that intensely angry. anger isn't an emotion i like admitting to.

you're such a doll for sharing this with me . i remember when i used to see my school counsellor i used to take in my school hat with me and hold it in front of my face the whole time. i know i would react in exactly the same way you did. i feel nice knowing someone else does the same thing.

this is so sweet!! birthdays used to be really painful for me, so even now i try to avoid them, because even if someone is nice to me i feel sad that i couldn't have that when i was younger. it's easier to just lock myself away from the world on that day.

i think if i do see austin-T on my birthday i'll just have to pretend it's like any other thursday, and not keep thinking that it's my birthday etc. that way i can do the session without these preconceived ideas about how a birthday session is meant to go. because i know he won't remember it's my birthday (and i wouldn't want him to!), so i guess as long as i dont mention it then it won't be weird.

thank you impy . i only found out about the hons thing yesterday, so the two events weren't directly related - but definitely i have been under a lot more stress lately because i keep psyching myself up to go well as this will be my last semester of undergrad . and it's midsemester now, essays due etc, so definitely - i felt crap already because i'd missed a deadline due to puppy leaving, and so the big fight with the parentals was probably just icing on a ****** cake .

i have a hairdressing appt on fri to see if i can salvage anything from the wreck, or find a better way of hiding it all. egh.

Im sure the haridresser will help you - they helped me when i cut a load of mine off once lol

i hope you have a ownderful birthday and iim sorry about all the stress youve had to ;put up wiht

take care P7