if your therapist lied to you

If your T lied to you, how would you feel? What would you do? If you knew it was apt to cause a big rupture, would you bring it up? Or would you just try to proceed with therapy as usual?

I'm not talking about a little white lie, or just a poor recollection of an event, but an actual fabrication. It seems to me it was unnecessary. I've been reading ECHOES' thread about idealizing. Maybe I am expecting him to be perfect and never lie to me. Should we expect our T's to not lie to us? Or is that just being human?

I remember a couple of months ago, T was asking me what new career I planned to go back to school for, and I was reluctant to share that with him--almost shy. I said, well, I've hardly told anyone yet... and he said, "sunny, I'm your therapist!" Like, if you can't tell me, who can you tell? I wish I had had a similar opportunity when he was going to tell me this lie to say, "T, you're my therapist! You can tell me the truth!" But he didn't ask me that. He just went ahead. It feels yucky, like maybe I can't trust him now.

Maybe there's a very small chance this was not a lie. That would be great. I'm looking into that on my own, and so far what I've found isn't encouraging. But there's still a slim chance. I have a lot of other stuff going on in my life right now so I can't spend a lot of time or brain power worrying about this. I guess when our next session rolls around, I'll have to decide if I should bring this up, and if so, how? I am really bad at any kind of confrontation.

If you dealt with something like this in therapy, how did you resolve it?

I don't think it is idealistic to think or expect your T not to lie to you. If my T lied to me I would have a really hard time just accepting it without understanding why. There have been a few times where it FELT like my T was lying or had lied about something in order to get me to talk more. These were very small "white" lies but they seriously affected my ability to trust her. Luckily, most of these situation were not actual lies. I don't think my T lies it more like she misleads or allows me misintrepret something until I speak up and challenge or seek clairification.

T are human, but I think they have a special responsibility to be honest with clients even when being so can seriously unsettle them. To me that is therapy, hearing a truth and then working though dealing with it.

Well, I'm sure you know what I will say.
Yes, go in there and tell him that something just doesn't sound/feel right about what he said and you'd like to clarify it.

I would be very upset if my T lied. I don't like anyone in my life to lie to me.

I don't like anyone to lie to me, and my T knows that. I would be extremely hurt and I would feel betrayed. I don't expect her to tell me everything, but I wouldn't want her to lie. I can handle the truth in my own way, and I feel like she knows that.

wow, sunny, im sorry you have to deal with this! *hugs*

what was the lie in regards to? i dont want to pry, but i mean, was it about you or your treatment? was it about something unrelated? is there a possiblity that he didnt know it was a lie?

i guess im having difficulty wrapping my mind around lying to a client, that can create such a huge rupture in the trust. if i were you, i would definitely want to discuss it, but i dont know that anything he said would make a difference. im not a particularly forgiving person...i suppose thats something i need to work on!

I'm right there with you on that one!

I haven't dealt with it - but I would write it. anything important to me that i don't think i can get through, i write.
Best!!! (((((((((((((Sunrise)))))))))))))))

(((((sunrise))))))

I would feel hurt if T lied to me, to say the least. Why should she feel she has to lie to me? I know I'd have a problem with it, and I know it would cause me to trust her less. I hope she has always been honest with me.

Perhaps unfortunately, I'm a very forgiving person (it can sometimes lead to being walked on or being perceived as spineless). If I were able to bring this up with T (which isn't a certainty because I'm bad at confrontation), and he owned up to this and was straight with me, I would definitely forgive him. I would also ask him to please not do it again.

It sounds like a number of people here would feel some betrayal from a lie. Thanks for that validation. ECHOES, you are so healthy and brave--you would march right in there and talk to your T about it if it happened to you. I'm not sure I will ever get to that point (with anyone, not just T).

He would have to be very confused or misinformed or something. It doesn't fit.

I would say it was in regard to himself. Sorry to be cryptic, I don't feel comfortable posting the details here.

i understand wanting to be discreet! i admire your ability to forgive and move forward...for me, understanding why he felt he needed to lie would be fine. i could accept if he truly didnt intend any harm to me, but i would still find it extremely difficult to trust him again. its a huge issue of mine...

however, you dont have a chance to understand, forgive and move forward if you dont bring it up with him.

I would be very upset if my T lied to me. The only legitimate reason for a T lying would be if he felt that the truth would not be in his client's best interests. Even so, I don't think it's right.

Sunrise, I would definitely bring it up with your T because if you don't, it can erode your trust in him. Don't you think so?

((((Sunrise))))

I read an article once that said humans lie an average of something like 10 times a day. To me, it would depend on what it was about and what his motivations for doing it might have been. If it is something major that he has deliberately deceived you with than I might be a little upset. But if it was a little thing and I could see possibly why he might have done it, I probably would understand. Either way, like you, I would forgive. I would consider the intention behind his actions. I don't like confrontations either, but if it is bothering you, maybe you could gently bring it up? Either way, your T is human and humans make mistakes sometimes. I can understand it being upsetting, though.

Sunrise, I am sorry your T lied to you, if he did. It IS a big issue. However, I think we could be more helpful, if we had an idea as to what the probable lie was about. Then we might figure out what his/her intention was in saying such a thing. Can you disclose this here? billieJ

I can imagine various motivations, but it's probably best to hear him tell me what they were.

To me, it's a somewhat major thing, and I can even think why he might have done it. But I think he may have made the wrong choice, and it is hard to accept because I have felt so close to him and I don't like that he made the choice to lie when we are so close. It's as if he thought our relationship could not tolerate the truth, and that hurts. It's as if T is saying, "sunrise, our bond isn't as strong as you think." Basically, I think he lied to cover his own b*tt and to make things easier for himself. I also think he had me in mind too, and perhaps thought what he said would be easier for me to hear. But it wasn't. It was worse. I'm a very honest person, and can be quite direct (when I'm not terrified of confrontation!), and I want that back from T, so that I'm not giving more than he is to the relationship. I don't want us to get lopsided.

Yes, it does hurt my sensibilities to even name what he did a "mistake" because without knowing his perspective, I feel like I'm being unfairly judgmental. I don't know what he was thinking. I guess he deserves to be heard so that I don't perhaps erroneously think ill of him. I'm trying not to.

Thanks, everyone. After reading all your replies, it does seem like I should talk to him about this. I need to gather some more information before that. I will have 3 weeks between sessions, so should have time to digest all of this, learn better what I feel, and see if I can make myself confront.

(((sunny)))

i dont really know what the lie involves... but i think i would personally try to stay away from gathering information... just because if you really want to give T the benefit of the doubt, then maybe it is something you should wait for?

but - LOL - that is ideal world deli. real world deli = would gather as much (lopsided) info as i could, and then get into a humph and cancel our appt at the last minute.

i am someone who forgives easily. way too easily, in fact. actually, i dont even know if pdoc or Austin-T lying to me would be something i'd need to "forgive"... i think i trust that they are human and make judgement errors at times, and that they lied for whatever purpose - not to hurt me, but because they felt inadequate about handling and processing the truth with me.

i am a pretty laid back person in real life (hard to believe, hey). i dont mind if ppl lie to me, so long as they aren't doing it to hurt me or be maliciously manipulative. i think most lies are self protective, and i dont really mind if that's the case. i think i would be hurt if i saw lies as a reflection of the amount of intimacy in a relationship, but... i dont know? if ppl aren't comfortable telling me the truth for whatever reason, then i tend be sad on their behalf but also try to respect that they cannot/do not, for whatever reason, tell me the truth at that point in time.

ok. thinking about this more... i think i would still be sad (for my sake), but maybe not angry. i dont know. i'm generalising, i know. bah.

Honesty is key to the therapeutic relationship. We are expected (required) to speak openly and honestly to our therapists and within the confines of therapy they should respond to us with the same honesty - of course they should be tactful and respectful of our feelings at the same time. That our therapists tell us the truth is an essential foundation really in creating a suitably trusting environment where we can 'tell all'.

I guess what I am saying is that honesty is one of the basic premises in therapy - in my view it is even more fundamental than in other types of relationships. I have a good friend who I know sometimes lies and spices up the truth. It would be nicer if he didn't feel the need to impress me in this way but I accept this aspect of him and it doesn't prevent us from being good friends. I would't think of confronting him on it - I just accept this is part of him. With my therapist it is different.

A couple of times my T has chosen his timing when telling me something - waited to tell me. Not exactly lying but in a sense keeping something from me that I had a right to know. At the time I felt cross but in retrospect I understood why he choose to hold off until the right moment.

My impression, Sunrise, is that you have a very close and trusting relationship with your therapist. Even at the risk of causing a rupture, surely it is the right thing to be honest about your feelings on this, however difficult it may be to confront your therapist. Then you will give him the chance to bring it into the open and resolve it. Otherwise a (perceived) dishonesty of one becomes a dishonesty of two. Of course you know the nature of the lie - if it was, for example, a matter of him making something up about himself to create a certain impression in you, this might suggest he is experiencing countertransference - that his desire for you to think of him in a certain way has taken over his primary concern of being a good, honest therapist.

In a way, if the lie is about him - a fabricated disclosure - it is perhaps less worrying than if the lie is about you, about how he feels about you or about agreements in terms of the therapy (saying one thing and later switching to another). Even if the lie itself doesn't directly intervene with the therapy I'd still bring it up as it could well indirectly affect the trust between you.

I hope you can talk about this and resolve it. I also think you should try to hold this in context with the many wonderful things your therapist does - his assets and skill.

Onzi

((((((((((((Sunny)))))))))))))

I think what you said at the beginning of this quote would be a good and honest way to bring it up and tell him what you're feeling. You sound very clear about how YOU are affected by what he said.

You said (above) that without knowing his perspective, you feel like you're being unfairly judgemental. The only way to know his perspective is to bring it up, and give him a chance to tell you.

Like you, it is easy for me to forgive people. And if you and T can talk about this openly and honestly, I don't think there is anything "wrong" with forgiving him. But like Dr. M. said, if you don't bring it up, you're not giving either of you the chance to get to that place.

This is really hard, and I'm sorry it's happening

Sunny, you've already gotten a lot of great responses, and I like your decision to discuss this with your T. I do think we should expect our T's not to lie to us. As others have said, the therapeutic relationship is based first and foremost on honesty - and I think that goes for both the therapist and the client.

I had a situation come up where I thought my T might have lied to me. I had asked T if she was working on one day because I wanted to schedule an extra session if she was - T told me no, she wouldn't be working that day. T's office is in my neighborhood, so I happened to walk by her office on that day, and I saw that her light was on! I was very hurt and upset, but then I reasoned that maybe she had just left the light on, or maybe she had an emergency. I wasn't even sure if I was going to bring it up in our next session, until T told me that it would be good for me to be more unreasonable sometimes in therapy - so I told T about seeing her light on. T said of course I would be hurt if I thought she had lied to me. It turned out that it was her husband working in the office (he's also a T and shares that office with my T). But it definitely felt good to bring it up and hash it out with T, and it opened a door for me to bring more issues to the table and not let them fester.

Good luck, Sunny!

i think youve made the right decision - i had something happen where i tho9ught my T had lied to me it ate at me till the enxt session and i mentioned it and she had a good explanation and i had misinterpreted the situaiton by not having all the information -

wiht me it would fester and i would lose trust - i would and di find it so hard to bring up - but it was so much better once sorted out.

let us nknwo how you go ok

(((((((((sunny)))))))))

i'd be upset if T had really lied but i do think talking to him would be very beneficial. you might also find that not all confrontations are so awful as those of us who are non-confrontational are wont to think. even if he did lie he may really explain why and reassure you of his care. i don't really see it as a reflection of your relationship with him but just more about him. he's human and he messes up too like all the rest. it's quite possible he would act this way regarding this particular subject with most people so it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you and him but just him.

What I kept thinking all a long as I was reading everyones' excellent replies, was that your T should have the skills to communicate anything and everything to you without HAVING to lie. If there was something that your T needed or wanted to communicate to you, say perhaps in response to a question you asked, he should have the skills to answer the question honestly even if that requires not revealing a specific piece of information and explaining why that piece of information will not be revealed. He should have the ability and confidence to be honest and feel OK about that honesty even if that requires him to refuse to identify a confidentiality or reserve an opinion or perhaps express an opinion that might not be received in the best light because he knows that you value honesty above all else and your trust relationship depends on it.

This is just MHO.

Sunrise,

I think, as you typically seem to do in your therapya, will use your resources and search for as much factual info you can find and then when you are ready you will find a way of raising this issue with your T. If he did lie, I think at this point your therapeutic relationship has the necessary base from which to work through this issue. IDK, maybe this tissue has surfaced so that you can have a chance to work through standing up for yourself, practicing confronting deeper issues instead of avoiding them. I think your T relationship is somewhat unique. The closeness and 2-way sharing that has been so healing for you, likely makes boundaries less clear and your T maybe a bit more vulerable to....I guess the official term would be counter-transerence. IDK in my own therapy as I progress and see my T on more equal- collaborative level I can see where the interactions can become more complex. I think you T doesn't see you as just a client. You have interacted with him in several professional health roles which I think each add a level of complexity. Your T relationship at this point is more than a unidirectional client-therapist relationship. I think you two will have to work through this uncharted path. I also think you've layed the groundwork to make it a healing adventure.

So maybe he was trying to protect the both of you when you would rather have heard the truth? Maybe you could approach discussing this with him by telling him why it has been painful for you, as you have done here.

I agree that it would be best to hear his side of the story rather than speculating about it or passing judgments. I hope the time between sessions is helpful to you for processing all of this.

Thanks, deli. The reason I am looking for information is because if I could find a certain piece of information (which may not exist), then it would mean T was not lying, and I wouldn't have to confront him about this or even ever talk about it or think about it again. It would just be over--T was not lying. What could be better than that? So gathering info is pretty important.

I think this is as close as I can get to thinking why T might have done this. The shoe seems to fit.

I would describe myself somewhat similarly, but I guess, for whatever reason, I thought this would not happen with T--because of his honesty, his training in communication and relationships, in handling difficult situations, etc.

"I would describe myself somewhat similarly, but I guess, for whatever reason, I thought this would not happen with T--because of his honesty, his training in communication and relationships, in handling difficult situations, etc. "

Sunny - I would be in the same boat. This describes what I know of my T also and her bit about "There are no secrets here" and i have run into issues with what is "secret" and what is "confidential" and what is "boundary". the lines really get blurred at times. Why do i not get to have all the info i want (boundary) but why does she get to have other info from others on me (no secrets).

I do hope this works out for you (((((((((Sunrise)))))))))))