It's been a long time....

I want to say hello and give an update

I last posted about 3 months ago. At that time my MIL, who my DH and I had taken care of for 4 years, had been dx with a terminal illness. We didn't know then but she was going to pass away very suddenly. The experience was then and continues to be heart wrenching and awful and the grief overwhelming. I am finally beginning to feel better both emotionally and physically and I am glad for that.

For those of you whom I don't know and who don't know me- I came here about a year ago for help with the "transference" that had grown quite strong in my relationship with my former T. I say former because this T abruptly terminated with me in April. We had worked together almost 1.5 years. That experience was heartbreaking. I am still processing through the grief of that severed relationship but it is much less painful now. I can say that I can see many things about the relationship more clearly now from a distance. How things may have gone wrong, how I didn't speak up for myself and how my reaction in wanting to protect myself may have been exactly what I needed to do and exactly what ended the relationship. Honestly, in the long run, the severing was probably the best thing, as sad and painful as it was.

After my relationship ended with my former T, I began to see the couples T that my DH and I had gone to for about 6 months. She has been really wonderful. She is patient, kind, safe, welcoming and so non-jugemental (it's actually a bit disconcerting how safe she is). I have been seeing her weekly now for 6 months.

At first we worked on processing the fallout from the termination with my former T. Then we worked to process the loss of my MIL. I don't think I am through any of it necessarily but she has really been there for me through the process.

Interestingly, about a month after my MIL passed away I found myself wanting to not be so dependent/needful of T. It was like I decided to duct tape and tie up my inner kiddos and be an adult and only an adult. I stopped calling between sessions, stopped asking for messages (both things she welcomed and responded to). When I think about it now, it was like I had experienced such loss that made me so vulnerable I walked into this relationship in a much needier vulnerable place with no protections. I began to feel as if I had put the cart before the horse- like I didn't even know what my new T was about- yet I was trusting her with all of this....

And that is where she and I are today. Talking about our "relationship". How I am relating to her, me pulling back. She's great about it though, constant and even.

It seems rather silly now that I write it out- to trust her with so much and then to decide later that she might reject me. Ah well, that's the beauty of PC, writing down our thoughts, seeing them in black and white and then getting feedback on them...

I've missed you all and to those I don't know- I look forward to some PC time with you!



~Searching

Welcome back! I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mother in law.

I do think your relationship with T sounds wonderful, a place to explore dependency and independence. I struggle with the same things and I am finding out that having T always there to go back to is changing me in ways that I can't articulate, but it feels good. Sounds like it's the same for you.

Thank you for the welcome skeski!

It's great to see you again, Searching.

I can really relate to what you said here:
I often trust people too quickly, and I am beginning to understand how risky it is. And I wonder if it is a false or surface-level kind of trust.
I think it's wonderful that even though you are pulling back, your T is being constant and even. Maybe this is how a deeper, more meaningful trust will grow between you, and that will allow a deeper kind of healing.
to you!!

((((((((((((((((searching)))))))))))))))))))))

I'm glad you are back

It sounds like you are doing hard and important work with your T. I hope you will stick around and keep sharing!

to you!

hi there! glad to hear you're back. I am sorry for all you have been through, but it's good that you and T are having that discussion (extremely difficult for me, but I will have to do it too)