Ranting + holding back = a yucky session!

Have you ever had one of those sessions, where you just felt . I just did! It certainly wasn't T's fault - I went in and vented non-stop, just about my family, my weight, ranting about anything and everything. T was trying to get a handle on where I was, and I could feel myself getting emotional - whenever that happened, I just started ranting again. T did say that it was progress for me to even show that agitation in session, but it didn't feel like progress! It felt lousy, and it still does! T seemed glad when the session was over that she'll see me again in 2 days, because it was obvious to both of us that we didn't end in a good place, emotionally, for me. I was totally holding back - T even asked me what was stopping me from continuing to share, and I didn't have an answer. Ugh, this therapy is hard sometimes!

So now I get to sit with these bad feelings until Wednesday evening. I don't understand - maybe I held back after realizing I don't want to get attached to T. I was in a mindset to let anything and everything annoy me, so even some things that T said annoyed me, but I didn't tell that to T. Like I ranted and then said it felt like now I had let all the air out of a balloon, that I totally overreacted now that I had told T about the latest family drama - T said maybe not, maybe I was expecting something more from her. Why does it have to always go back to T's and my relationship? Maybe because she specializes in object relations therapy. I did think that maybe I would've liked more of a reaction from her, to feel more justified in my rant. I dunno. I'll have to think it over, but I'm sick of thinking these things over - I'm just in a mood where I'm sick of analyzing everything, and I'm sick of therapy!

Dear Dreamseeker ~ I wish I knew what object relations therapy was! It sounds like ranting/ventilation would be helpful. At least you got your feelings out in a safe place. I wish I could afford therapy. It sounds like you made some progress to me, and you are fortunate to have a therapist, where you can vent. When I used to have a therapist, I spent most of one session just lying on the area rug crying my eyes out. I had not done that in years, and have not done it since. There wasn't much progress made, but I felt better, and I guess that it partially the point. Blessings on You ~ billieJ

its your therapy so if you need to rant then do it! your T sounds very nice. Its good that you could get your rant out.

I think it's great that you were able to rant....and even though it feels awful to have to wait a couple days, it'll give you time to process what happened, what you're feeling, etc.

I think my T would love it if I went on a rampage in his office. LOL. I bottle everything up inside and seem to show no anger whatsoever when it comes to what I've dealt with - past and present. He even asked me - when was the last time you screamed? I couldn't remember.....Someday, I will...I guess.

((((((((((Dream)))))))) OK- Iim going to go out on a limb here. There are times when it is easier for me to express the feeling of anger than confusion, hurt, sadness or anything painful. I have done this with my husband, expecting him to fix it all, I rant and rave and he doesnt fix it. I rant some more. But the truth is, I am hurt and sad and need soothing, comforting words, but the vulnerablity seems out of the question at that moment. Especially when there is SO MUCH to rant about.

I have no idea if this would fit. But I have done that. To take the focus off what the real feeling/issue might be. Ranting is just easy-schmeezy and feels so good..........

Egads, Blue! That's it!

I was so tired yesterday from a long weekend and not sleeping well, I think that really contributed to my irritability. I feel much more refreshed today. So now inside of me, the anger is gone, and in its place I'm feeling a lot of hurt. I think I can see more clearly now that I wanted T to say those comforting words, but I wasn't able to take them in even when T said to me last night, "It must have been so painful when..." I just grumbled, "Yes, it was," and wouldn't open up more. Poor T! I really got defensive with T a few times last night, too - oy! Looking back, I feel like I want to hide under the pillows on T's couch in my session tomorrow - I don't like how I acted at all!

I've been trying to figure out why I was holding back - I think part of it has to do with being scared of my anger but even more scared of the feelings behind that anger. And I think the other part is that I'm fighting this attachment to T - I feel like if I become attached to T, that T will hurt me down the line, probably unintentionally, and I don't want to put these expectations on her to comfort and soothe me when that's not her job - I'm the only one who can do that for myself, as painful as that is to realize. But I feel like if I get attached to T, it's unfair to her, and it will only lead to hurt.

I don't see anything wrong with the way you acted. Some times we are just agitiated and it is okay. What you said about being afraid of your feelings behind the anger and afraid of being vulnerable to T makes perfect sense.......

Thanks, Sannah... I think it's occurring to me this morning that my reaction to my behavior in session is rather significant - I'm ashamed of it, and I think that goes back to me not being allowed to express those negative emotions growing up. I suppose that's something worth telling T - good thing I have another session tomorrow evening!

So your feelings from the past are being triggered up? This is a good revelation and worth sharing with T!