[mixedup_emotions]

I have come to the realization that I seem to find excuses as to why I don't feel "safe enough" to share in group T....I went on a rant yesterday at group, saying the things about each person that holds me back - like, the one member saying "oh here we go again with the drama queen, oh woe is me"....and the other member not wanting to hear "negative" things....and the one member always trying to pick out the positives, basically invalidating my feelings.....

A lot of this is the truth....but yet, I wonder, if all of those things did not exist, would I even find it "safe"? I'm wondering if it's just a strategy of resistance....like I'm making excuses.



I don't know. I'm just going through such an incredibly rough time right now, and it seems as though my PC friends are the only ones I have that I feel safe with....probably due to the anonymous nature, and the fact that I do get an overwhelming feeling of acceptance and caring here.

Tomorrow is the day I go to court to finalize my divorce. Even though I know it's the best thing for my family, I have been bawling my eyes out (which I haven't been able to do up until now about this) because I miss my husband. I miss holding him. I miss his back scratches. I miss him telling me how beautiful I am (I have never felt beautiful, don't believe I'm beautiful, and have never been told that by another man) and how much he loves me. I miss the warmth of having him next to me in bed. I miss the intimacy.

I know it's all part of the grieving process....and I'm idealizing the good parts and ignoring all the horrible parts....which, at the moment, feels like I am torturing myself.

Then, there's the realization of being lonely....not being "Mrs." anymore...being DIVORCED....like I've failed, that I'm not worth being married to, unlovable....even though I was the one who wanted the divorce. Losing a whole family. No longer being the daughter-in-law, the aunt, the sister-in-law.

I wish I could just focus on the bad stuff, so that I wouldn't feel so horrible about all this.



I guess it's good that I have an individual T session scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.....

[ECHOES]

Tomorrow is the day I go to court to finalize my divorce. Even though I know it's the best thing for my family, I have been bawling my eyes out (which I haven't been able to do up until now about this) because I miss my husband. I miss holding him. I miss his back scratches. I miss him telling me how beautiful I am (I have never felt beautiful, don't believe I'm beautiful, and have never been told that by another man) and how much he loves me. I miss the warmth of having him next to me in bed. I miss the intimacy.

Then, there's the realization of being lonely....not being "Mrs." anymore...being DIVORCED....like I've failed, that I'm not worth being married to, unlovable....even though I was the one who wanted the divorce. Losing a whole family. No longer being the daughter-in-law, the aunt, the sister-in-law.

You are going through so much right now. Grieving is very emotionally draining.

I don't have any thoughts about group because I've never been in group therapy. Do the group members know that you are facing the finalizing of your divorce and what that means to you? You could use much kindness and compassion from them at this time and I'm sorry they are not giving you that.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

You are going through so much right now. Grieving is very emotionally draining.

I don't have any thoughts about group because I've never been in group therapy. Do the group members know that you are facing the finalizing of your divorce and what that means to you? You could use much kindness and compassion from them at this time and I'm sorry they are not giving you that.

Thank you.

Yes, they know that I am facing the finalization of my divorce...but it wasn't discussed other than me briefly mentioning it. And I would not have been comfortable enough to share these feelings with them.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I would not have been comfortable enough to share these feelings with them.

(((((((((MUE))))))))))

What is the point of the group therapy, exactly?? Do you feel like you are getting any benefit from being in the group? It sounds like an invalidating environment...like people just get together to tell each other what they are doing "wrong". Maybe I'm just not understanding how the group works.

In my opinion, group therapy is like individual therapy...if it's not working for you, you don't have to stay. You are in control, and you can leave whenever you want.

Be gentle with you - you are going through a lot.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( mixedup emotions )))))))))))))))
The group sounds invalidating to me as well... I think maybe thats how analytical groups work? not sure..(A t I saw told me how in "his" group people were very angry with each other..... ) I'm sorry they aren't being kinder and more compassionate towards you especially as you're going through so much Sending you gentle thoughts

It really doesn't sound like a safe, therapeudic environment. Perhaps this isn't what you need.

[squirrelgirl49]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I have come to the realization that I seem to find excuses as to why I don't feel "safe enough" to share in group T....I went on a rant yesterday at group, saying the things about each person that holds me back - like, the one member saying "oh here we go again with the drama queen, oh woe is me"....and the other member not wanting to hear "negative" things....and the one member always trying to pick out the positives, basically invalidating my feelings.....

A lot of this is the truth....but yet, I wonder, if all of those things did not exist, would I even find it "safe"? I'm wondering if it's just a strategy of resistance....like I'm making excuses.



I don't know. I'm just going through such an incredibly rough time right now, and it seems as though my PC friends are the only ones I have that I feel safe with....probably due to the anonymous nature, and the fact that I do get an overwhelming feeling of acceptance and caring here.

Tomorrow is the day I go to court to finalize my divorce. Even though I know it's the best thing for my family, I have been bawling my eyes out (which I haven't been able to do up until now about this) because I miss my husband. I miss holding him. I miss his back scratches. I miss him telling me how beautiful I am (I have never felt beautiful, don't believe I'm beautiful, and have never been told that by another man) and how much he loves me. I miss the warmth of having him next to me in bed. I miss the intimacy.

I know it's all part of the grieving process....and I'm idealizing the good parts and ignoring all the horrible parts....which, at the moment, feels like I am torturing myself.

Then, there's the realization of being lonely....not being "Mrs." anymore...being DIVORCED....like I've failed, that I'm not worth being married to, unlovable....even though I was the one who wanted the divorce. Losing a whole family. No longer being the daughter-in-law, the aunt, the sister-in-law.

I wish I could just focus on the bad stuff, so that I wouldn't feel so horrible about all this.



I guess it's good that I have an individual T session scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.....

Wow! Your therapy mates sound a bit harsh to me. Calling you drama queen? Validating feelings is probably the main thing you need from them. No wonder you don't feel safe. I'd take this up with your therapist. It's her job to keep the group safe.

[darkrunner]

Mixed-Up,

I kind of agree with the others. I wonder, is there anything positive that you feel you get from group therapy? I mean, are there ANY benefits?
It seems like your T has explained to you a lot about what the group therapy is supposed to do for you, but do you think it is helpful?

I'm sorry it's such a difficult time for you right now.

[Sannah]

MUE, you just laid out all the boundaries of these 2 issues that are bothering you. This is excellent! This is life and by what you have written it seems that you totally understand that. There isn't just black or white, it is both and everything all at once. Good Work!

I can see how a Gestalt group would be beneficial. Some of my best growth came out of group situations (not group therapy because I have never attended one). Just because something is hard doesn't mean that we should quit. Our best growth can come out of facing something that is hard.

[noobinberg]

Well, I can certainly understand what you are going through. I divorced some years ago and still to this day I foolishly wonder if we can somehow work it out again. DUMBSHIT! SHE'S REMARRIED!...Sorry, sometime I have to be reminded. It was hard when it happened...She got caught cheating on me when I came home for lunch one day. I pretty much lost it with feelings of worthlessness. I thought that I MUST have done something wrong or at there was something wrong with me to cause her to do such a thing. After attempting suicide the first time I was diagnosed bipolar. GREAT, I thought. I'd gone to the age of 31 with nothing really working out in my life and it probably could have been avoided if I'd have been diagnosed at an earlier age. I'm pretty sure it's my disorder that pushed my wife away from me. I'm in a situation now with my girlfriend where I really don't talk about how I'm feeling and just close myself off from the rest on the world. She is feeling I guess unloved. Well enough about me.

Sorry about you group therapy experience. It's supposed to be therapeutic this therapy. Doesn't a mediator control the sessions? Seems to me that I'd have to have a word the the mediator outside of group. Tell them how you are feeling and that you are not seeing benefits with your sessions. Or if you're feeling frisky, call them out in the session. (however, this method almost never works to your advantage. It's a self gratifying thing I do...I think it's a character flaw...LOL!)

Well, that's all I have....Hope next session turns out better.

...oh yeah...My advice is only opinion based on my own experiences. I hold no credentials as any kind of mental health professional at all. You should take my words as ONLY opinion as that all they are.