Hugs in T

My T told me last night that I shouldn't have to guess or wonder on where she stands on anything - she said to ask away. So I think if you want to know if your T gives hugs, you have every right to ask that question. Of course, then you do have to probably answer the question of why you want to know. And you also have to be prepared if the answer is no, and you really wanted it to be yes. T even played that game - she wanted me to explore what if she had said no, she doesn't give hugs. I didn't want to admit that I would've been disappointed.

I don't know...I guess I just find it a little awkward to bring up. If I do, I dread talking about why I asked. The simple answer is: "Because I want a hug, dangit!"

my T hugs but only if u ask for a hug. My T even gave me a kiss one day (when i won an award and she came to a ceremony.) I didn't ask for that though and it felt a bit weird. I think it was because she felt proud of me and wanted to show that. T's are weird, i love T though.

My T and I hug at the end of some sessions. But we didn't ever discuss this. I never asked him his policy or anything. We got to know each other very well in therapy and after a number of months (6?) we hugged. The way it worked the first time was that at the end of the session, he asked if I wanted to share a hug. And I did. Sometimes he will still ask me that, but sometimes he just opens his arms for me. And sometimes we just know when the time is right. It's very natural. Some sessions, we don't hug. We know when we want to. Does that make sense? We have a lot of good non-verbal communication so we don't have confusion about when we will hug and when we won't. We can read each other. With my first T, we never hugged. We were not really close. With my current T, it actually never occurred to me to ask him about hugging, as I didn't know that was something that therapists and clients did. I really like when we hug. He is really tall and I like being next to him and having him tower over me. It makes me feel very protected.

I hope you can ask your T for a hug, fallenangel.

T now hugs me after every session. I'm not sure how this happened. Last time she went on a long trip, I sent an email when she got back how I just wanted to run to her arms and be held. At the end of that session, she asked me if i wanted one and i said yes. But I have been with her for 2 years now. and I have seen tons of ppl hug her (she is active in her clinic community).

I've always wanted my t to hug me. I told her a number of times in email how good it would feel if she would hug me while i was in pain, or if i could cry on her shoulder. But when I'd have a particularly painful session, she never offered. It really upset me because she had told me that some of her patients hug her at the end of every session, yet she never offered me a hug.

We talked about it a few times, and she would seem like she was OK with giving a hug. But she never initiated it, and I couldn't bring myself to ask. I wanted her to offer when she knew i needed it, such as when i was crying hard about something. i know she knows when i need it, but still she didn't offer. If i confronted her about why she never offered, she would tell me she was hesitant because of my past SA, or that she thought that while one part of me would like it, another part of me may not. Wanting a hug when i was in so much pain and not getting one became such a painful issue for me that i nearly quit therapy with her. Finally, i decided i had to just give up on getting hugs. I never even mention them anymore.

Oh, i forgot to say. . .at one point, she finally offered a hug, but by then i felt that it was only because i'd hounded her. i was not convinced that she sincerely wanted to do it, and i felt ashamed, as though i had coerced her into offering. So i told her why i could not accept.

After that, i stopped mentioning it altogether.

My T is a non-hugger, despite his warmth, except for the kids in his practice. But one time, when I was having a real meltdown from flashbacks, I asked for a hug. In retrospect, it was very important in developing my trust in the relationship and I might not have continued in therapy had he said no. He obliged willingly. He was careful for it not to have sexual overtones, and it didn't. It just helped me to feel safe. It did end up being a turning point for us. But we talked about it a few sessions later and he did say that was a major exception for him because he realized it was more or less essential to the therapy at that particular moment. And we have not hugged at all since, which has been several years. In the abstract I think hugs from my T would be great, but in reality they would make me anxious. Perhaps because it was the only one, I keep it as a warm, caring memory and that, plus feeling held in session, is sufficient.

Peaches, it may well be that T (and mine had to explain this to me several times) does not want to do anything to you that you do not ask for directly. Like saying in email how good it would be to have a hug is totally different than 'I am in a lot of pain right now, could i have a hug/ could i hug you?'. Yet, the latter is TOTALLY hard. i know T told me that so many people have simply *done* things to me that i accept them. She wants me to be able to ask.

And now that I get them every session, I don't want them. I never did want them *every* session. One night i simply walked out the door - she said "No hug?" and I came back and hugged her. She said "Only if you want, of course, always" but i didn't feel i had the choice. See how sticky these things get? What if one day i say no, and then she never offers again? could i ask? i dunno.

that said, this week i was really struggling because I feel like there's been a fall out with my dr. I am very upset by it but trying to pretend I am not, and kept trying to change the topic with t. Fought tears all session. WHen the hug came at the end, i was glad. I held her shoulder tight, and she held me tight. I actually felt cared for by the hug in that moment. that is new for me.

Do you still occasionally want the hug but dont ask?

I feel the same way. I am afraid to ask ftt about hugging b/c i dont want to coerce her into doing something she doesnt feel like doing. SHe hasnt hugged me and dt was SO unhuggable that it scares me to ask ftt for a hug. I wouldnt be comfotable with her hugging me at this point. She seems like a huggy type, but I dont know. I feel sort of untouchable right now and sometimes when I am in pain I feel strongly untouchable, even though a hug might make me feel warmer toward myself.

I want to say something but am embarassed.
There is a part of me that wants to be hugged and never let go. There is a part of me that absolutely refuses to be hugged (even by my husband). I have a very large "don't touch me!" part (not sure why).
So, my t has asked if I wanted a hug several times, and I always refuse. It scares me. I am afraid that if I allow the hug, I'll allow the feelings of why someone would want to hug me, and then I would fall apart. So, I'm torn, really wanting, needing to be hugged, but also not wanting anyone to touch me. I guess for now it feels safer to not be touched. (Although I sometimes wonder what would happen if I allowed it, if I "fell apart", and if maybe healing would occur?)
I "know" that it probably isn't that black and white, but....?
Thanks for letting me share.
Oh, and I absolutely love cyberhugs- they feel completely safe and comforting. (maybe I should give my h a couple parenthetical marks?)

P'doc and hugs. I asked my P'doc about he felt about hugs.
He says there are some patients he feels okay to hug. He says some other patients he wouldn't do it to.

I suppose it depends on boundaries on both sides.

Personally I have a very hard time with most forms of physical touch. My body spasms. I cant stop it. I have hugged my P'doc a couple of times, without his guidance my butt would have ended up on the floor - so we give it a miss.

I asked pdoc if she touches clients and she said no not usually. So maybe in some cases or situations she does. but it makes me feel safe to know her boundaries upfront.

Peaches, I know how hard it is to want something badly and hear that it is given to others. It really hurts! But it doesn't sound like your T feels you are undeserving. It sounds to me like she cares about you a great deal and is trying to keep you safe. Especially for someone with a CSA history, physical contact is complicated. Hugging, which might be fine in other therapies, carries considerable risk in trauma therapy. From what your T said, she worries that the traumatized parts of you could have a negative therapeutic reaction, perhaps one that would actually harm you or your therapy, and she wants to protect both.

On the other hand, there is this terrible, aching need to be comforted and to feel safe and cared for. Those unmet needs can be overwhelming when they are called into the therapy room by memories or dissociated feelings, or are triggered by the therapeutic relationship itself. Perhaps you and your T can explore possible ways to for her to meet those needs without physical contact, at least for now, when your traumatized part is still so vulnerable and touch remains risky. I suspect it is hard for a caring T like yours to see your pain and need, and yet try to keep her head about what will keep you safe. When we feel so desperately needy, few of us can look beyond the present moment but our Ts have to look ahead to all possible pitfalls and consequences, short-term and long-term, of any interventions they do. It sounds like this balance of needs vs safety is a really important thing for you and your T to keep working on together, not necessarily because of what the outcome will be reached but also from what you both can learn from it.

Also re the issue of "offering" – offering something without being asked means that the T rather than the patient taking the initiative for an action. Especially for someone with a CSA background, this raises important boundary issues. My T, although I know he cares deeply for me, will not offer any such gestures without me asking for them. Although when I'm in a needy state of mind that feels cold to me, and I resent having to ask for things, deep down I recognize that he is trying to give me the experience of safe boundaries that I never had – by safe, I mean that I decide, and not someone else, what passes through. Doing things, even nice ones, without being asked does carry and element of mind-reading what you want and what is god for you – and it could be wrong. This would be a boundary violation, to someone who badly needs safe boundaries. But my T and I have learned to negotiate things like phone calls, extra sessions, all sorts of things (other than hugging) to meet my needs – when I request them. He is very generous and giving, and actually meets most of my requests as long as he isn't afraid they could do me some harm. As I wrote about hugs in my previous post, I have wishes and fantasies that my T would see my needs and feel sympathetic and offer to meet them without being asked. But in reality I am reassured by his consistent respect for my boundaries and willingness to let me take the lead in everything we do together. And over time, protecting my boundaries like that has contributed greatly to the trust I now have in the relationship.

As you can tell, Peaches, I wrestle with this too. I know how painful it can be and I'm so sorry it is causing you pain now.

(((((((((((((Peaches)))))))))))))

For those of you who get hugs, or want to ask for them, are you the same gender as your T? Do you think it makes a difference?

My T and I hug sometimes. He is male. For me, it has more to do with how close we are rather than his gender. My T and I are very close. I had a previous T who was female and it never occurred to me that we would hug. We just weren't close at all, and I don't hug people at the drop of a hat. If I was really close to a female T, I think I would allow a hug.

I've had 4 Ts, and my most recent one is the only one who ever hugged me. She only did it during my final regular session with her, though. I know 2 of the others didn't believe in hugging their clients, but the other 2 didn't think it would be good for me. I'm not sure if I agree, or not. It's more important for me to get hugs from people in my life other than Ts at this point.

I'm the same gender as my current T. I think depending on the circumstances, gender could make a difference. If there is a fear of it being received sexually, I can see different genders could be an issue. Considering I'm bisexual, I'm kinda screwed either way.

I forgot to say that I am female and my Ts have also been female. I would find it difficult to hug a male T, but that's just me.

My T is male (I am female). I think that we talked about the hugs enough that they feel VERY safe and not sexual at all. Of course, my feelings towards him are very parental (in the transference) or like he is someone I really close to (outside of the transference) - not sexual. If I was attracted to him in that way, I'm not sure I would feel comfortable with a hug

My T is female - we haven't hugged yet, but maybe soon, now that I know she's open to it! I feel like I should save up the hug for some big breakdown I have in session, but maybe I will just feel like I need one at some random moment. It feels good to know I have the option, though.