[Ellexa]

I wonder is there is anybody here who has the same concerns...

The more I learn about my trauma through therapy the more I understand how it affected almost all areas of my life. It seems that my whole life is centered around my childhood abandonment and disconnection issues. That's the main drive in my life - the dream of finally getting what I didn't get as a child. I seek relationships based on hopes of finally filling the gaps left by lack of love and support in the past. They never work out, of course, and the same "abandonment scenario" keeps repeating itself. I avoid "normal" people - people that I feel don't have the same trauma or "understanding" of what it's like to be abandoned. That seems to be the only way I connect with people - through my "issues".

Since about 15 years old I kept seeking the answer to the question "what's wrong with me?" The hope was that I'll finally be able to fix it, so I wouldn't feel so isolated and disconnected from life. That has been the Dream - to finally "come back home" where I feel loved, supported, wanted and full of life.

I did do various things in my life, like, getting 2 different BA's and I speak a few languages but it was done only because I was hoping to - don't laugh, please - win my Dad's approval. Again, in hopes of finally being loved by him the way I need to be loved. Other things I did in live were done with the same secret hope deep inside - to finally, finally, finally get what I didn't get as a child.

That makes me a pretty shallow person because nothing else really inspires me. It's when I think that doing something will make my Dream come true - that's when I get creative, driven and can accomplish a lot of things. Other times it's impossible to get myself to do something. I don'y have too many friends. My best friend is studying to be an MFT. I don't have hobbies except reading all the books I can read on psychology. I know I have some talents I could develop more but... if they are not directly related to my Dream - what's the point?

My T suggested EMDR to deal with the pain of abandonment and the belief that "i will never get it". I did read Shapiro's book on EMDR but I did not find an answer to my main question - what's going to happen with my Dream? Will I stop caring about getting things I didn't get as soon as the pain is gone? The reason I'm so concerned is that, oh well, my trauma drama has been such a core thing in my life. It's almost the main source of my identity. Also, that's the main thing that drives me. I'm afraid to lose all that. I'm afraid to lose my Dream. By now it's almost a mission for me - I want it because I refuse to accept not having it.

My T says she can't guarantee the outcome. She says if my pain is such an important part of my "mission" it might not be a good idea to use EMDR. Although, she says, that, in her experience, if something is important to a person - like a Dream - EMDR will not erase that. I'm still not sure about EMDR. It looks kinda superficial to be, like a hypnosis.

Well, going back to the topic's question... Do you have "a dream"? I guess the best definition of it would be "you inner child's dream". Are you afraid that "getting well" will put an end to it? They say, it's impossible to get what you didn't get as a child because we are adults now. Like, it's impossible to experience THAT kind of unconditional love, safety and nurturing in the adult world and the adult relationships. As adults we sort of have to settle for less.

Do you have an idea of what your life is going to be when you finally "get well" and you are successfully done working with your issues? Are you afraid to let go of them?

P.S. I apologize for possible mistakes (English is my second language).

[~Blossom~]

Ellexa, I am so incredibly touched by your post. I think my (current) 'dream' is more primative than yours:

Lately, I find myself just wanting to escape real life-often. I want to live in a world where people are all benevolent; where people are compassionate and loving. Where people care about another enough to go out of their way to avoid hurting another. I desperately want to believe another authority figure will not abuse me. Lately it seems most times I think, oh-most people are good-and give them the benefit of the doubt, my trust, I get screwed.

And regarding love-I wholeheartedly want to believe the next man I give my heart to will be faithful and not betray my trust. I want to believe he will try as hard as I do to be a considerate partner, and communicate his thoughts when trouble does arise.

It's like I want to move to a tourist island, where people who visit have no worries....Sort of like a quiet Vegas.. Just share joy with the visitors. Not deal with politics, technologically-induced stress, artificial foods, and unfullfilling work day in and day out....An anti-conflict existence.

If I go deeper-my dream is to experience serenity with just being 'me'. I have had similar thoughts as you recently-when my life started to be less stressful and things became easier for me, I started feeling the discontent. I felt uncomfortable. Being a single mom..putting myself through college much like you, overcoming one obstacle after another...I decided to take a break from relationships-was celibut for 2 years-to read self improvement books and do some self exploration. I thought I should overcome my childhood issues, and 'find myself' before I could experience true love for another...Suddenly-when things started getting better, I developed anxiety. I never thought this change could be attributed to what you conveyed until just recently....It makes sense. I always exceled at turning total chaos into a successful 'operation'....I perform best under pressure. When that went away, my life fell apart....A "normal" life was foreign to me....

So at that time, I decided to give my heart away...I thought I met the man of my dreams-and when that shattered, when he betrayed and abused me, I developed a severe depression. Haven't been the same since...However, I did not develop anxiety, then depression, until my life stopped being chaotic and decided to be all around healthy. Maybe I sought to relive my childhood by choosing him...self sabatoge...

So, yes, I agree-some of us do repress our pain through accomplishments. And the stress, the chaos can define us. We don't know any different. When that ends, how do we cope with normality? It's foreign to us?

I'm not sure if I made any sense...but anyway, here's a song that reminded me of you:

((((((((((((((((Ellexa))))))))))))))))))

Thank you so much for posting

The beginning of my journey of healing was when I quit drinking about 4 or 5 years ago. All of the pain that I had been avoiding by numbing myself came rushing in, and I felt like I couldn't survive it. A friend told me - someday all of that pain will be gone - and it terrified me...because if it was gone, what would be left? Without my past, and the pain it caused, would I just be an empty shell?

Two years ago, I decided I needed therapy, because I was still suffering so much. I didn't even know what I wanted to get out of therapy...I just knew that I wanted to feel better.

Gradually, gradually in therapy, the pain is being replaced by other things. It's being replaced by moments of pure joy on hikes with my boys in nature, playing in a band with my friends, feeling the warmth of my old cat on my lap while I read a book. It's being replaced by true love - finally being able to really love my friends and family and feel their love for me. It's being replaced by little things that I enjoy - good books, cooking, knitting, hiking, camping. My T is helping to heal the young, hurt parts of me, and I am learning to do things to care for them too - cuddling with a bear, coloring, eating ice cream. Things are more PEACEFUL inside.

I think that I was afraid if I gave up the pain, or the longing, or the wishes for something better,that I would be left with NOTHING...but that's not how it is turning out. I'm finding that if I open myself up, and let myself heal, there are so many gifts waiting for me, better than what I could have ever wished for for myself.

I really do have faith that this process is going to lead me to the place where I am supposed to be. I don't know exactly what that will look like, but I am open to letting it happen.

[Ellexa]

~Blossom~, thank you so much for sharing your story. I had a very similar experience with sabotaging my progress just recently. I did therapy for 2 years and things in my life got less stressful which allowed some room for the core issues to start surfacing.

In addition, there were signs that my Dad - who is a core figure in my life even though I'm already in my 30s - started changing and becoming more of a Dad I always wanted. We live in different countries. We barely spoke on the phone last years but all of a sudden he stared calling more often, asking about my life and being very supportive. I thought that his new marriage (he was a widower for 8 years) made him a more loving and accepting person. Things are not going too well in my life - I don't have a career, a house, kids, etc, that's why I did not share much with my Dad before. He'd always been a very harsh, critical person whose expectations were too high but all of a sudden he started acting different. At least, on the phone. So I decided to go see him in person hoping that we can finally connect. Big mistake! Turned out, Dad never changed. After he learned more about how much of a loser I am, he spent almost all of out time together verbally beating me down for that.

So much for the reconnection dream. I also managed to fall in love with a guy at the same time I visited my Dad. Same dream - same results. It's like for 2 years I was building up courage to come out of my hiding from life in hopes of finding support and nurturing but got once again reminded that there is nothing out there for me.

So there are questions... Whether Dreams are unattainable or I'm just stuck in my "I'm never going to get what I want" belief system.

treehouse what a wonderful, encouraging story! The elements of healing that I see in your story are gradually replacing pain with enjoyable things, caring for your wounded parts, being able to let in good things that come from the world. I gave me a lot to think about. Thank you!

((((((((((((((((Ellexa))))))))))))))))))

I wanted to add something to what I wrote...I spent my entire life trying to win my mom's love and approval. She was my main abuser when I was growing up, and nothing I have ever done is good enough for her. She is an alcoholic and I have always taken care of her...yet, her "favorite" child (even my children have commented on this) is my unemployed, drug-addict brother who lives nearby - she pays 100% of his rent and living expenses (and he has a very posh lifestyle), takes him shopping for clothes, etc. regularly - he has no income but has many, MANY more "luxuries" (in a material way) than I do. My dad died 5 years ago and my mom lives 4 miles away and I have ALWAYS been her caretaker - physically and emotionally. But I have to walk on eggshells all the time because I don't do anything "right". Ugh, it hurts, actually.

Something that I have GRADUALLY been able to realize in T is that I don't HAVE to get her to love me (or my family, who she is also critical of). And the fact that she doesn't love me doesn't mean that I am not lovable. I still feel obligated to take care of her -she is an alcoholic, and isolated, so without my dad, I am the only one around to do it - but I have learned about boundaries. I take care of her on MY terms. And it was really hard, and really painful, but I did let go of the dream of having her suddenly approve of me. When she is mean to me, I hang up the phone or walk away.

It's a hard thing to let go...but after the initial pain of it, it does feel better now. I don't feel so desperate for her approval anymore. I'm sorry you are in such a painful spot right now. It's not an easy place to be. Keep working...you will find a place of peace

[~Blossom~]

Ellexa,

I don't know why I've never tried to accomplish things or do things to please my parents, to gain their acceptance so to speak. Well, my father passed away a long time ago and that thought never crossed my mind. I guess either I just repressed everything, or learned to be avoidant instead.

BTW-I was just kidding about that first song...lol..but it shows how I'm just in a bad state at the moment...something just recently happened, and I am merely trying to get through this moment rather than work on the deeper issues. Just hanging on here...

Just my opinion -I think you can resolve this state of 'wanting' with a therapist. Once you work through the issues with your parents (and with a good/appropriate T), I believe you will rid yourself of much of the inner discontent. As you said, you are -inadvertently- repeating your past to try to fix it-the unobtainable. We can't undo the past-we can only create our future. I'm sorry for the way your Dad is treating you....as you know, we can't control how others feel--we can only control our reaction to them. It takes a lot of work to get to that state of acceptance.

That state you are describing sounds like discontent. I don't think you are going to necessarily "get what you want" - but I do think you will change what you want.

You are very insightful-that says alot. I am really confident you will get to a comfortable place in your life. We spend much of our lives getting to this state, forming our identity based on so many variables growing up, so naturally it takes time to disintegrate those unhealthy dynamics and rebuild the self via a healthy, nuturing relationship.

[Tapestry]

Ellexa, thank you for sharing your story, which I can certainly relate to. For me, only long-term intensive therapy has helped address the problems inherent in the "Dream." The idea is that if therapy is successful, that eventually that particular drive will stand out in less bold relief, in part because other ways will be found to meet the needs behind it. One thing I have come to appreciate is how much of my mental CPU is tied up focusing on these conflicts! I am just beginning to catch a glimpse of how much of my energy and creativity has been tied up unproductively. And that once major issues are resolved, all that energy can go toward more interesting and rewarding things that enrich my life. For me, those are things like painting and new friendships.

[sunrise]

Ellexa, thanks for sharing your story and dilemma about losing the Dream. You are very insightful and you are a great writer--I would never know English was you second language.

I have accomplished a lot of what I wanted to when I began therapy. I have solved some key problems and done a lot of healing and I find there is still a lot in my life. My life is richer, if anything. I was in a state where I blocked out a lot of feeling, to protect myself from "the bad stuff." Now that I have dealt with a lot of that, I am learning how to allow myself to feel. When I was blocking out the bad feelings, I was also blocking out the good. So now I am feeling a lot of good stuff that I didn't before--joy, pleasure, pride, satisfaction, etc. It really is a lot better than before. When the bad stuff was behind me, it was not like my life was suddenly a vacuum. I still have a ways to go, but things look possible to me. I am trying to change careers to something I would not have thought of even a few years ago. I put a lot of my energy into that. I also have better relationships with my daughters. And I am starting a hobby I have always wanted to develop. Like Tapestry, I have discovered tremendous energy available to me that before, was tied up blocking out my feelings and just dealing with pain. Now I have let go hiding my feelings from myself and keeping them buried, and wow, all that energy is now mine to do productive stuff!

I did EMDR to work on childhood trauma and it was a positive therapy for me. Made me better able to finally let myself process some key, core events from the past. Recently, I was talking to my T about a painful thing and he asked if I wanted to do EMDR on it, and I said no, because I had processed and healed it on my own. That felt really great!

I hope you will keep the open discussions going with your T, and don't do EMDR until you are ready to. You could always do some EMDR on more peripheral events rather than core events and see how it goes. (If the events are more peripheral, if you heal them, it shouldn't affect your dream.)

My favorite book on EMDR:
Emotional Healing at Warp Speed: The Power of EMDR
by David Grand

My best friend is studying to be an MFT. I don't have hobbies except reading all the books I can read on psychology.

If you are drawn to these, then maybe some kind of career in psychology/therapy. Maybe that would be a way to preserve, in part, your dream.

me stumpy...afraid of getting well? never! because well..."well" is so far far away!

just kidding! sort of..my t has many kids to get thru college! and then there will be grandkids

i think "well" is a spectrum...what can be well (i'm tired of the "" ) for 21 certainly won't work for 41 or 51.

i am single..never married, probably never will be and that's okay. don't have family...parents from hell long dead...and that's okay. siblings out of the picture (no contact since 91) and thats okay. amazing friends. amazing t & doc's.

i am so much more well today than i was before..say last year, 5 years ago, 10 yrs ago etc. i assume i will be in abetter place this time next year or two years from now. maybe there will be lapses..like last year...but that happens..wounds can't heal unless scabs form

so afraid of getting well? nah..i'm pretty damaged from the parents from hell and all their friends from hell and the others from hell who hurt me along the way. so with each step forward i erase a little backward steps. i know that with all that has happened to me along this path called life i should be dead (my hand, their hand,illness wrong place, wrong time etc,) but i am not. call it god, higher power, the great pumpkin what ever works for you...but obvioulsy they have a plan for me...i'm not sure what it might be but there is a purpose to this thing called my life.

therapy is good...it kind of helps keep a little focus for me since i tend to drift a little...okay alot at times. t is amazing (have i mentioned that?) i'm sure must feel at times in over her head but so far hasn't run screaming from the room throwing bookcases to slow me from following her yet so i must still be allowed back....either that or she is using me to write one hell of a screenplay for a movie..."STUMPY...THE PATIENT FROM HELL!" coming soon to a theater near you!!

so afraid...nah! ya gotta embrace these things...

stumpy
buy the jujubees (they are my favorites..& hey it is my movie)

[jexa]

I am afraid to get well. It's something I'm slowly coming to realize.. that when I notice that things are better, I get scared and start to self-sabotage. I don't think there's a dream that I'll have to give up to get well, but there's a large chunk of my identity that is "the girl with the issues." Without them, who am I? I've been the "crazy girl" since middle school. Somehow since my issues have become so much a part of me, the thought of forming an identity outside of my problems feels dishonest. Healthy? Whole? But that's not who I am! my mind declares.