Heavy Session

I had the heaviest session yet with ftt. I dont think I have ever had a session like this one with dt. Mostly because she didnt go deeply with me and brought me back to the present quickly.

It is difficult for me to post, and I think I am going to post about it because I want to make it clearer in my mind. I SO apologize if I seem all over the place here. I love the way she asks me how I felt after the last session. How things went that day. And it would be so easy for me to say, fine, I did well. I would prefer to say that b/c I think I did sorta well, but with some difficult moments. We talked about that. I had written details of what I did last monday after my session in my journal so I knew what I needed to talk about. I still am surprised that she wants to know and asks me detailed questions about how I feel. No one and no t has EVER asked me the kinds of detailed questions she asks about how I am doing. She seems to know intuitively what I may be feeling.

I asked her a lot of questions about what doing trauma work is. The session is so fuzzy to me. I would like to be able to type out what she said, but I cant. I think she did say something about talking about details of my childhood and asked what ages this or that happened. I become a bit far away and get this underwater feeling, but for that conversation I was able to be present. She said that when trauma occurs as young as it did for me, details may be dream-like and fuzzy and it is important for me to work on ways to feel safe in my life today. Though we can work on what I do remember. I did say different things happened at different ages. We talked about my mother. It was very difficult for me. I dont like to remember her at all. I was talking about something she used to do, I remember feeling like I wanted to fall asleep and disappear rather than go there. I had a dissoc moment. We had (earlier) talked about my fear of that happening in a session. She told me what I did and that I had a moment of just looking at her and putting my face into my sweater. She had a very soft and gentle way of grounding me after that. I would usually feel confused. I did feel slightly embarrassed to not remember, but not at all like I did with dt where I tried to cover it up. Ftt is so understanding and respectful of me. I am feeling safer there.

We talked a lot about how I protect myself from the pain and things I do/can do to feel safe. Even PC came up and the safe physical situation in my room that I create around me when I go to my laptop to reach out to you. I am always in a safe corner in my room sitting on the floor (carpet) with my laptop on a stepstool in front of me. Often my little girls are next to me on the bed watching tv so I know they are safe while I am on the computer for a while. She pointed out a lot of things to me that I do to create safety. And how important it is for me to do that and know I am doing it.
I am learning a lot from her. I am learning how I have coped with feelings about my mother's behavior. By hiding, by dissociating, by trying to disappear. We talked a lot about my attempt at "disappearing" as a child. And that my ED is another way I try to disappear and become a little girl to re-do childhood pain. I had "rages" when I was a young that didnt seem to me to be all about anger. Not that it wasnt anger, but I said I felt like my screams were attempts to get out of my skin. And I still in some ways try to do that. Its like an anger/disappearing kind of thing.
We talked about triggers again. This is a big issue for me. Im wondering if it is as big for other people here as well. I think I am triggered in some way all day long by almost everything. Small triggers, big triggers. I dont feel that I am living a free life. I am hauted by my childhood in some way by something most of the time. I want to get to a freer place.....someday.

Even though this seems like a lot, there was more I cannot remember and details that I am still processing. I would like to have a good week. It is so hard when our conversation comes up again and again in my mind and I get all kinds of dreams and fear-thoughts. I do know intellectually that my parents are dead and cannot do xyand z to me, but there are moments emotionally where I get so frightened. I cant yet see how I will get past it all, but other people have, so I'll go with that.

Thanks for listening....

Wow, Blue, what a great session! I am so happy that you have such a great therapist!

Bluemoon,

Thanks for sharing your experience. It seems like you have a therapist that's very in tune with what you need.

Peace,
Writing

Ftt sounds better each time! For someone you said does CBT, it seems like she is using other methods. It's wonderful that she is versatile and in tune to what you need. I am so happy for you, BlueMoon.

I know it's hard, and you have a lot to process from your session, but don't try too hard. Sometimes it's best to just "let it be" and take it easy.

Blue, so glad you had a great session! Heavy sessions do take a toll, so be sure to be gentle with yourself this week. You might continue to process the session as the week goes on, even in your dreams (I do that a lot) - journaling will help, but give yourself a break from it all, too, when it gets to be overwhelming especially!

Thanks- I feel like my head is spinnning a little bit. I dont exactly understand what cbt would be. When I first saw her I told her I wasnt looking for a behavioral therapist of any kind. She got that.Unless I dont know what cbt would look like, she does offer me ways to feel safe and things I can do to see my h in a different way and what goes on between us. We didnt talk too much about him this week, though he triggers me a lot. And I trigger him.
We talked aobut food and eating a little at the end, especially body stuff, but she was suggesting things for me to do when I go out to eat with my girlfriends. I did say I wasnt ready to do that yet. My ED holds on pretty tight....
Explain to me how you would expect a cbt t to be.

Thanks, Dream. I want to veg out and not think about it all. I am so good at doing that. And then it comes out as fears and dreams. I am hesitating to write in my journal because I dont have t here to ask any questions to or talk to if things come up. I guess I can post. I dont have anyone else to talk to when these painful things come up. Maybe I will write tomorrow.

When I was talking about my mother, my memories of her are so fuzzy that it is as if I was talking about someone else and someone else's mother. As if I was repeating a storyline from a movie. Did you ever feel this way?

I do need a break.....

((((((((((Bluey)))))))))))))
I am soooooooo so so so glad you changed T's!! =) sounds like a very useful session.
You wrote: "We talked about triggers again. This is a big issue for me. Im wondering if it is as big for other people here as well. I think I am triggered in some way all day long by almost everything. Small triggers, big triggers. I dont feel that I am living a free life."
Yeah - it is big for me too. T tells me I am not free when we attempt to talk around triggers and what all happens in my day, and the constant chaos (her definition, my accustomed living). panic is getting worse for me again. whenever i think i have a handle on the triggers, more come up. and this once again getting panic out of the blue REALLY bites.
Triggers bite. hard.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Moon!!))))))))))))))))))))))))))

All of your hard work preparing for your session paid off...T was totally there with you, and you asked the hard questions you needed to ask.

She sounds so gentle and supportive and accepting and caring. It seems like she is really tuned in to you...noticing when you dissociate, willing to talk tot you about that, concerned about how the session makes you feel.

I'm really REALLY glad that you were so brave and left something familiar (dt) for something new (ftt). That takes a lot of courage...and you did it!! You took SUCH a big step in your healing when you did that

Be extra gentle with you.

Blue!!! Good for you!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for posting your journey. It helps me out so much to see others making it through the trauma work. Abusers stink. And Survivors Rule!!!

((((((((Kiya)))))) I am so sorry you are having panic probs. And when it is out of the blue it is so scary.

I am there with you about the triggers. I am noticing this more and more. It is also my accustomed way of living. So much so that I dont notice when I am triggered, I am used to having a reflex reaction (like fear, even if small) to things or people.....or even tv which I very rarely watch, probably because of the triggers. I am just realizing this. It might sound strange, but I can watch movies, depending on the movie, but I am SO triggered by tv and even images in commercials.

I wonder if anyone else here is SO triggered by tv. Almost any show will tirgger me in some way. My teenagers watch teen drama shows on tv. I dont even know the names of them all, but if I am near the tv when they watch these things I usually ask them if they will make the volume lower when Im there. I could be the specific things they are talking about or even the fact that it all sounds so artificial, the parent responses to the teens or each other, or something. Anybody else feel this way?

As far as the CBT goes, you may not even realize it's happening while it's happening. My tdoc has never mentioned CBT specifically, but I know that is what he is doing. When she works with you on challenging your mistaken beliefs about yourself, that's cbt. When she works with you on how to manage your reactions to being triggered, that's cbt. She may never use the term cbt with you. That's okay. Perhaps it's better that way. CBT is just a way of learning to recognize when you are not seeing things clearly and to find healthy ways of changing those thoughts and behaviors. My tdoc uses cbt in conjunction with other techniques. Sounds like yours does to. A healthy mix is generally the best, IMO.

Bluemoon,

It sounds like you had a very deep and important session. When that happens for me, i usually have a few days afterward where i can feel my brain trying to process everything. For me, it can actually become overstimulating so i have to avoid ruminating on everything that happened and was said in the session. So as not to get overloaded, i sum up in my mind what happened, maybe take a couple of short notes of things i want to remember, and then let my mind do the processing subconsciously. I have to resist the urge to figure everything out now. My t has a saying, "The slower you go, the quicker you get there." So after an especially good and deep session, i try to allow myself some extra rest time to let things process. Hope you can do that too!

p.s. Your t sounds very caring and very good.

I agree with peaches - I journal after every session, but I've found that after some sessions, I'm just blocked and don't even feel like journaling - I've learned not to fight it. I had a really powerful session last Wednesday, and it took until Sunday night for me to have a dream about it - perfect timing, since I could discuss the dream with T in session last night. But going slowly and letting your unconscious process things is totally okay, especially if you're having problems with triggers.

Hey Blue,

I have the same problem with my parents being dead, but still haunt me. My mom just giving me that "look" ready to torture me. My Dad is discusted with me for talking about my mother that way. I don't know when I'll feel good about all of this.

Take Care

Blue your session sounded like a good one. When my T explains my childhood reactions to things, I usually don't believe her or dismiss what she is saying. But after the session I find that my inner states really like and needed to hear what she said.

Thank you SO very much for your explanation. Although I have read different things about cbt, it is now clear to me b/c I can see how it is working with the t I have now. She has said she is "eclectic" in her approach and I told her I didnt want a cbt therapist (when I first spoke to her).

I am asking also b/c I am so tired of behavioral approaches to my issues. And unless Im missing something, I dont feel a lot of that from her. Except when we talk about how to feel safe in my daily life. And with my h when he is triggered or I am.

Ok- I get it now- thanks Farmergirl

Peaches- You should know that your post (I read it this morning but didnt have a chance to post) has been running in my head all day. That is how I feel. I need to put it all on a rear brain cell. It is too much in that I know I will begin to feel really badly about myself and start to feel scared and dissociate. I spent the day with my 2 yo doing so much that I left it all to my subconcious to process.
Exactly what you said I did, I summed up yesterday, posting was so helpful, and wrote a little in my journal, and did not figure things out. Most of the time I would have to resist that urge, but this time I left it alone quite easily. I dont want to think about this. Or ruminate. My parents and abuse are really hard issues for me. I think they are so hard that I am telling myself I dont have anything to work on with this, I dont want to do it, maybe it all doesnt matter. Im fine. When I get into that state of mind I know I am overwhelmed. I cannot remember what was said, but I very definitely feel that my subconscious remembers everything.

I am SO INCREDIBLY glad you said she is caring and good. I think so and I feel it, but I need the feedback. I have made such lousy choices for t's in the past that I dont trust my own judgement. Im glad she sounds good to you.

I know Im writing a lot here and individual thank yous (I feel like I shouldnt take up so much posting space ) but this is so helpful to me. You cant imagine. I have never talked about these issues in therapy in the way that I do with ftt. I am SO new to what to do afterward with my feelings...or lack of feelings. That is how I feel. Is it blocked? Maybe that is it. I feel a little shut down and Ive had enough. But I did have a strange dream that i realized was about some of this stuff and then I got up and forgot it right away. I didnt make any attempt to think about the dream or remember it.

I am letting my unconscious process this. Things may be different tomorrow. Something may come up.....maybe Im feeling better with some distance (time wise) from the session.
What is going on with me is much clearer, thank you.........

Raceka- I really understand you. It sounds like you feel the way I do- now that they are dead, they can follow me anywhere. They can hearme in therapy, they can hurt me in the car, they can hurt my children. I know those looks. And I am afraid I'll see them at the window in the dark. It makes me feel like such an immature person who cant think. I know intellectually how it all sounds, but the frightening thoughts are still there.

(((((Raceka)))))) I imagine working on it with t will eventually help us both

That is so interesting. I DO understand that. I think on some level it may feel like it is all too much, and too much to be true so I dismiss it. I used to do that with desk-t. She might have been not great about a lot of things, but she was right on about a lot of other things, too. And I did a heck of a lot of dismissing with her.

It looks to me like although I have become an adult with a family, I react to things very much like a traumatized little girl. I am hoping to get from there to a real grown up some day. But I suspect that means I have to allow that little girl to speak, allow myself to be her and integrate her into my "self." If that makes any sense.

Bluemoon, I am so PLEASED things are working out so well with your new therapist. It sounds like there is already some healing going on, just from your response to the way she treats you. She sounds very caring and like a good T. The contrast is so great with your last one. I am glad your new T is not reluctant to go deep with you. Since she is not, it means she can be with you every step of the way as you move towards health.

This is what it feels like to be cared for in therapy. It makes me so sad to read that not a single one of your Ts ever cared about what you were feeling.

What happens when you are triggered? I'm trying to understand what that means for you. Do you dissociate? Feel angry? Feel sad? I do have some things that trigger me, although that is not a favorite word of mine. To me it means that I have feelings (fear, anger, etc.) that are not about the "trigger" but about something that happened in my past. I do not believe I should try to avoid them. I believe they are signposts to what still needs to be healed within me. So each time I encounter one, it's like another clue to what I need to be completely healed and whole. I've gotten to the point where sometimes my reaction to the trigger can be, "oh, interesting, I didn't know that was a problem with that... need to work on that someday." Maybe I store it up for therapy to work on, maybe I return to it at a later time to think more about it and puzzle through why it might be arousing those feelings in me, or maybe I write in my journal about it. I used to dissociate very occasionally, but don't do that much now. I have removed a lot of the stress from my life and dealt with some of my worst pain, and that has helped.

With your new T, maybe you can start moving in the right direction. It is good to have a visual in mind, "a freer place"--that sounds wonderful. I hope you find it.

It could be that she has not been doing cbt at all with you, but responding to what you told her was the type of therapy you preferred to try right now. I like that she is flexible. My T does not do cbt with me (or anyone, probably). It's interesting what you said about the behavioral approach. I don't mind behavioral stuff so much, but it's the cognitive part of cbt that isn't a good fit for me. I might actually do OK with a strict behaviorist! I think it could help me with some things. But cognitive, no thank you.

Sunrise- I read your response over a couple of times, very carefully. I think you made some very good obervations.....
I am also glad she can go deep with me. I am looking for her reactions to the deeper pain and childhood things and she is right there. I lkike that she seems very much able to work on this with me and really seems to know what she is doing. I feel safe in the room and with her. She has said some really intuitive things to me about ways I can feel safer (she didnt even word it as directly as that) and it makies me feel really understood by her.

I dont understand it. I made some bad choices. No t ever made me feel cared for. Dt made me fee like she was trying to figure me out, like a puzzle to be solved, but not cared for. After my 40 min was up, the next puzzle arrived.

This is how I understand it and how ftt explained it to me. There are things that trigger me. They trigger strong emotions. Not because of what they actually are, but because they remind me, often on a level I am not aware of, but it can be on a level I am aware of, something else, something painful. After this trigger or reminder event, I may feel a feeling, or if the feeling is too painful or it reminds me of trauma (that I may not be aware of consciously) I may dissociate, tune it out, daydream, disppear OR I may have a feeling (because of the reminder/trigger) that is not appropriate to the situation- ie anger, sadness, fear. So, triggers are the place we are starting from because I dont remember (consciously) much of the trauma except for bits and pieces here and there. I dont have a story to tel even of the emotional abuse. If I can write down the things the trigger, for example, something that caused me to dissociate or something that caused me to become overly sad then maybe we can find out what it is related to. I had a dissoc moment (long one) in a parent teacher conference sitting in low chairs with the parents a little while ago. I seem to have "rejoined" the group at a point the teacher was talking about reading. We talked about what that might have brought up for me or reminded me of. To get to the source/origin of the pain. It is SO SO not easy. I dont want to go there, I find myself feeling underwater when we talk about it etc. There is something painful there, but I am not sure what yet. But since we talked about the trigger/reminder at least there is a starting point or some first clue.
Sunny, it is such a healed place that you are talking about. I cant say that I am avoiding triggers exactly, but maybe in some ways I do. Ftt never said anything about avoiding. She said things about noting them. And writing them down. But I probably do avoid things I know (even subconsciously) will trigger me. Yes- Im sure I do. But there are so many triggers in my daily life that I cant avoid all, just the ones I can make a choice about, I guess. I am not yet at a place where I am conscious enough of the trigger and then puzzle through. Possibly because I am too raw. I am too "in it" and in my feelings. If that makes any sense. Or maybe b/c I dissociate before I can note anything much. I have a lot of healing to go. Sigh.....

I hope I find it, too. I am thinking this is the right direction. I really like her. I like her more with each session.

It really could be. I dont know specifically what it would look like if I told her everything I did and she took a cbt approach, but she does seem flexible. My pnp that gives me my meds said great things about her. She said she has a excellent reputation here and is one of the best. Especially for trauma. Thats good news, considering I choose her b/c she was the ED t. If you remember, I had all of these names and not one ED therapist. And then I found her and coincidentally a good friend of mine told me she saw her for a number of years during her divorce. She said she was good so I made an appt.
What is the diff between a cognitive approach and strict behavioral approach?

Oh, and Dt was (seemed so) strictly behavioral.....I can give you her number....

I have noticed that there are 2 ways to do CBT, a deep way and a superficial way. The deep way is to get to the core of the dysfunctional thought and how it formed so that you can refute it at its origin. This kiind of CBT nips things at the bud and you are done with it if you really refute how the thought was formed. This was the CBT that I did.

The more superficial way is to just counter the thoughts. Bad thought comes up say the opposite good thought. This way never heals. You spend your life countering your thoughts.

Dissociation???

Exactly!!

Sannha- Thanks. I maybe ftt is doing the deeper cbt? I dont notice countering thoughts. We are talking about my parents. And triggers that bring up feelings/events I cannot remember. I had a "flash" of something that made no sense to me. But I cant describe it in words. We talked about that some.

Would that "feeling' be a kind of dissociation?

This just sounds to me like you are disconnected from your feelings about your mother and I guess I am putting that under dissociation??????

Yes, it sounds like your T would do the deeper CBT!