therapy (at last!)

It makes perfect sense. I know this is all over and done with. And that is a very, very good thing. You delt with this and it is over. But I cant help wondering if he noticed that the marriage ended, and, well, his denial and refusal to get counseling did nothing to keep the family together. That it couldnt have hurt anything to go. When I first suggested to my h that we go together to dt, I think my h said, "why?" I probably said something about "getting more organized in the house." It can get chaotic here when I have to be in 100 places at once. He knows that. He doesnt want me stressed and yelling. So, I think that was how we first went. I probably made some kind of joke about going so he would finally understand he has to do what I want him to do- I tell him Im trying to turn him into the "perfect" husband (because I already am THE perfect wife).....often the way to approach my h is with a little humor [/quote]

When I was a child, I assumed that ALL of my mom's moods were caused by me (she pretty much made me believe that, actually). So, if she was mad, it was my fault, if she was sad, it was my fault. I was always scrambling to make everything okay, and never succeeding. It felt awful.

My kids and I are very close - since I homeschool, we spend a LOT of time together - and I want them to know that we ALL have lots of feelings - happy, excited, anxious, sad, whatever - and that it is OKAY. I was raised having to act happy all the time, no matter what...I don't want to do that to my kids. And I don't want them to EVER feel responsible for my moods.

So, if I am sad, I know that they know something is "off". I don't want them to have to guess, and wonder, and worry that it has something to do with them. So I'll say something like "I feel kind of sad right now, but it doesn't have ANYTHING to do with you guys. It's just some grown up stuff". That's all they need to know. I'm sad, and it's not caused by them. And sometimes, I will ask them for a hug, and they will give it to me, and I think we ALL feel better - I feel better because I got a hug and they are sweet boys and I think they like being able to do a little something to help.

Tree- this was very helpful to me. You are such an amazing mom. Wow! I so dont want my kids to feel that they are responsible for my feelings, but they should know that I also have feelings. I never want to appear artificial to them, or for them to suspect I am not being "real" or lying. I try to be as open and honest as I can. They see my moods, good and bad ones, and Im sure there are times I was angry and they thought they were responsible and I had to clear that up. Sigh.

I like that you do get ask for a hug after making it cleat that it is "grown up stuff" that you may be upset/sad about. I like that. I will use that. It is very truthful. And would make my kids feel better. The times I have I was very touched by the way they seemed to enjoy being able to help me in that way. They smile and hug me real tight and ask me if I feel better now.....even my teenagers. They can really amaze me, too.
After posting about this, I really DO feel so much better about going to my kids for hugs and a little bit of comfort without burdening their minds that anything is their fault or disclosing too much.

Im sorry, Sunny, I didnt mean to hijack your thread! Your session with your t brought up so much for me that I could talk and post about various aspects of it forever.....

No, it's fine to share with your T. Go ahead! I will be interested to hear how that goes...